


Here's to the Heartache

by SeraphStarshine



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Instability, Possibly Unrequited Love, Rimming, Self-Hatred, Smut, Teacher Gerard Way, Teacher-Student Relationship, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-31 04:54:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 35
Words: 175,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3965152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank Iero is a mess - plain and simple. </p><p>He isn't living, just surviving, and even though no seventeen year old should feel this way, he can't seem to snap out of it. </p><p>Frank knows his life is going nowhere, so he wastes his nights away at the local bar, drowning his problems in a drink and hooking up with anyone that looks at him twice. </p><p>He doesn't care if he is being a slut - Frank just loves sex, he actually feels wanted, even if it's only for an hour or two. </p><p>But when one thing leads to another, and Frank finds his way into his own teacher's bed, will he finally discover everything he has been looking for, or will it all end in disaster?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Giant Gay Fiasco

Frank was drunk - _again_ , which really wasn't anything new; the only exciting thing about this occurrence was that he was at home this time, instead of at his favorite bar, and it was very relaxing getting shitfaced in his own room without having to worry about driving home.

Usually, he didn't really have a choice, because his fake id was sketchy, and that was being generous, so he was generally turned away at the liquor store with a rude remark about getting his life together, which he probably deserved.

Frank was only seventeen after all, and he really shouldn't be this dependent on alcohol already, but luckily for Frank, a new guy had been manning the register, and he hadn't glanced twice at Frank's sad attempt for a driver's license.

He never had any problems at the pub though; for some reason, they had no qualms with his forged id, and he had made friends with all of the bartenders there, so they never even asked for it anymore.

Frank hadn't been in the mood for company tonight though, which was why he had shut off his phone, ignoring the forty or so odd messages from his best friend Pete, because he - of all people, should understand that Frank wanted to be left alone today, so it was very fortunate that his adventure into the liquor store had been a success, or else he wouldn't be drunk right now, and Frank needed the alcohol flowing through his bloodstream - especially _tonight_.

Frank had been ensconced in his room for the last two hours, with only his bottle of vodka for company, and that was perfectly okay with him. His mother had gone to bed ages ago, she had to work early in the morning, and she was the last person he wanted to be around - especially _today_.

Frank was currently contemplating his sad existence, because he was too lazy to stand up and turn on some music, and that might wake his mother anyway, which was not something he wanted to risk right now, and nothing on television was interesting enough to capture the attention of his fuzzy brain, so why not ponder how he had ended up this way?

Some people can't pinpoint the exact moment that their life began to spiral out of control, sometimes it just happens, and not everyone has a reason for turning to alcohol, or drugs, or whatever vice they chose, but not Frank - Frank knew all too well why he was this way, not that it helped at him at all.

It started two years ago, _exactly_ two years ago to the day to be precise. That was the day Frank's father had walked out on them, and when you put it that way, it doesn't actually seem too bad; parents get divorced all the time, but that was the beginning of the end for Frank.

Because his father hadn't walked out for just any old reason, he had been cheating on Frank's mother for ages, but not with a woman - _no_ , it was a _man_ that had captured his father's attentions, and even though Frank didn't care about his father's sexuality at all - his mother had.

His mother had no clue that this was coming, and honesty - neither had Frank; not until his father had randomly blurted it out of the blue one day before gathering his stuff and leaving to be with his new lover, but Frank understood the way his father was feeling, especially since Frank was gay himself. He hadn't worked up the courage to come out quite yet, but now he never would, at least, not to his mother.

Because after his father had left, Frank's mother became an avid homosexual hater, blaming all of her problems on the _"disease"_ that had afflicted her husband, and she was insufferable to be around if the topic was ever brought up. Not that she had ever supported it before, she was a very devout catholic after all, but now she hated gay's more than murderers and rapists.

If that was all that had happened though, Frank might have still been okay, but it wasn't, and even though Frank realized he could have it so much worse, he wanted to drown in pity tonight, and there was no one around to tell him to suck it up and get over himself, so Frank wasn't going to.

Because even though Frank didn't care if his father was gay, he did care that he hadn't seen him since that day he had walked out of their lives. At first, Frank had thought that his father just needed some space, and he would come back eventually, to visit Frank - if for no other reason, but Frank hadn't so much as received a phone call from the man who had been his rock for fifteen years.

Before the _"giant gay fiasco"_ \- which was what Frank had started calling his father's departure in his head - Frank had been insanely close to his father. They just _clicked_ , and, as cheesy as it sounds, he had been Frank's best friend, along with Pete, but Frank would much rather hang out with his father for a day, because there was only so much of Pete that he could take.

Frank truly loved his father, but it seemed like the emotions were no longer returned, and that was one of the main cracks that had destroyed the happy fifteen year old Frank. Frank pretended that he didn't care, he acted like he didn't give a shit if he ever saw his father again or not, but that was the biggest lie in the world, besides for when Pete told his parents he was straight; Frank still couldn't believe they hadn't caught on to their son's homosexual tendencies yet.

It seemed as if Frank's father was trying to pretend like he never existed, and no matter how hard Frank tried to contact him, and believe me - Frank had basically reached full blown stalker level trying to get a hold of his father, he never once returned his calls, or even sent him a fucking letter. Frank got the hint, he knew his father was perfectly happy running off with his gay lover that Frank had never met, and he didn't want any reminders that he used to be married to a woman, or that he had a son, but it still fucking _hurt_.

And maybe Frank would still be okay, even with the fact that his father wanted nothing to do with him, if his mother provided any modicum of support, but she didn't, _of course_ she didn't.

At first, she had just been heartbroken, which was completely understandable, and Frank had tried his best to be there for her, offering whatever support he could, but once her wounded emotions began to heal - _that_ was when things got crazy.

Linda Iero was a bit of a basket case; she always had been, but before Frank's father had left, it hadn't been that noticeable, just little oddities here and there, like swearing she saw a dog in their yard, even though Frank could never catch a glimpse of it, or hearing things that no one else did.

Frank had always brushed these occurrences off, blaming them on Linda's overactive imagination, and he never imagined it was the symptoms of something serious.

Her emotions were always all over the place as well; one minute she would be fine, and the next, she would break out in tears for no obvious reason, but Frank hadn't thought anything of it. That was just the way his mother had always been, so he assumed it was normal, but when his father took his leave, things spiraled out of control rather quickly.

The first day it happened, Frank had been scared shitless. He had returned home from school, and he was in his room listening to music, when his mother had walked in with a murderous look on her face.

_"Frank - what the fuck are you doing here?" she hissed at him, fear and hatred clouding her eyes as she spoke._

_"Um...I live here mom?" Frank had no idea what was going on, and he wasn't sure how to react to his mother's strange behavioral shift._

_"Not anymore you don't. Go back to that faggot you love so much and leave me alone!" she screeched, picking up a random book and throwing it in Frank's direction._

That was when it had clicked, and Frank realized that his mother thought he was his father - who was also named Frank. Not knowing what to do, Frank rushed out of the house, dodging various objects his mother hurled at him as he ran. He spent the next few nights at Pete's place, too afraid to go home and face his mother again.

Three days later, his mother called his phone, and Frank let it go to voicemail twice before finally picking up.

_"Hello?" Frank answered in a shaky voice._

_"Baby - where have you been? I'm so worried about you!"_

_"Uh - just at Pete's place." Frank wanted to ask her what the fuck had happened, and why she couldn't remember throwing him out of the house, but he didn't want to remind her of the episode in case it happened again._

_"Can you come home, I miss you," his mother pleaded._

_"Yeah - I'll be there soon..."_

So Frank went back, despite Pete's advice that he shouldn't just forgive and forget so easily, but this was Frank's mother, and she was all he had, so he ignored his best friend and gathered up his stuff.

Frank was met at the door by a sobbing Linda, who immediately pulled him in for a hug, and she refused to release him for a good five minutes.

_"Don't you ever leave me baby...I need you okay? Don't end up like your father," she sobbed against Frank's shoulder as he patted her back awkwardly._

_"Okay mom, I'm sorry, I won't do it again."_

And Frank truly hoped he would be able to keep his word, and he prayed that whatever had happened before was a one-time thing, but it wasn't - _of course_ it wasn't.

As the years passed, Linda Iero steadily fell apart; some days she thought Frank was his father, or she just treated Frank like shit for no reason, other times she refused to let him out of her sight because she was afraid he would leave her, but the worst was when she ignore him completely as if he was a ghost.

Frank did his best to disregard his mother's constant mood swings, and he knew she wasn't trying to be hurtful to him; she was just psychotic, or schizophrenic, or _something_ , and he tried his best not to take her words to heart, but that was easier said than done.

Because over time, Frank began to believe his mother's spiteful accusations, and eventually, he began to hate himself almost as much as she seemed to when she was having one of her fits.

Frank had always been self-confident when he was younger, even though he had been a bit chunky, and he wasn't the most attractive person, he had never seen those flaws as negative before, but now he could hardly remember a time where he had been happy with himself, even though he had lost quite a bit of weight, and he supposed he was decent looking - he just felt like shit inside.

The normal times became few and far between, and Frank never knew what he was going to come home to. He realized his mother was sick, and she needed help, but whenever Frank would try to broach the topic with her, she would brush him off with a laugh, reassuring Frank that everything was fine.

And Frank didn't have any clue what to do, because it wasn't like he could force his mother to admit herself to a mental hospital, and he would be sort of screwed if she did; Frank was only seventeen after all, so he couldn't live on his own just yet, and he really didn't want to be shipped off to some foster home while his mother was institutionalized.

Because of this, Frank grew up far too fast, and he felt like the parent, taking care of his mother, instead of the other way around. Frank became the one who was making sure the bills got paid on time, and he ended up going to the grocery store when they were running low on food, because his mother couldn't be bothered. Somehow, she still managed to retain her job as a secretary for some law firm that Frank had forgotten the name of; he wondered how she acted there, and if anyone else had noticed her oddities, but she hadn't been fired yet, so that was a good sign. Maybe she just saved up all the crazy for home.

But even though Linda brought in a very decent paycheck, she wasn't smart with her money, and she rarely remembered to give Frank any, so he ended up having to find his own job to pay for the things that Linda deemed unimportant, like school supplies and clothes.

Frank had a hard time finding employment, because he was still in high school after all, so he could only work limited hours, but finally a restaurant hired him as a dishwasher/sometimes server. It wasn't a bad job, and Frank got to eat the leftover food, which was a major plus for him since he didn't always have enough money for groceries that week.

When he started his job was when Frank had fallen into his alcohol addiction, because the restaurant had a bar, and even after that was closed, there was a pub across the street, and all the guys went out for drinks on a regular basis. They never asked how old Frank was, and he never mentioned the fact that he was underage, and before long, getting drunk after work was a daily ritual. Even when his coworkers decided not to go out for the night, Frank almost always did, and now he could barely make it a few days without some form of alcohol passing his lips.

Smoking came not long after that, and for pretty much the same reason. Most of his coworkers smoked, and Frank picked up the filthy habit quickly. The nicotine in his system wasn't anywhere as soothing as a shot of liquor, but he became dependent on the slim sticks that managed to calm him down when he had no other options at hand.

It was tough on Frank, having to learn how to balance the checkbook while trying to pass all of his classes, and working as well, but he managed, and even if he was slowly dying inside, there was nothing he could do about it.

They were staying afloat though, and that was all that mattered, and that was the best Frank could say for the fucked up mess that had become his life.

At least Frank had Pete, because after his father had made such a spectacle of coming out, Frank had lost all of his other friends. He went to a private catholic school, and even though Frank hadn't told anyone what had occurred, one of his classmates happened to be his neighbor, and of course they had blabbed to basically the whole school, and now everyone treated Frank like a leper. They acted as if being gay was a disease, and if Frank's father was gay, then Frank must be as well, and even though he was in fact gay, they had no proof of that, but either way, Frank was the school outcast now.

Frank had begged his mother to transfer him into the local public school where Pete went, making the very logical argument that it would save a large amount of money, but she had refused, saying that he wouldn't get as good an education there, which was probably an accurate statement, if the stories Pete told about the teachers there were true, but Frank didn't really care about his education - not anymore.

What was the point when Frank knew he could never afford to get into college? He still wanted to pass high school of course, it would be almost impossible to get a higher paying job without a diploma, but after that, Frank had no plans on furthering his education.

He already knew exactly where he was life was going to go; Frank was going to get a slightly better, but still shitty job, and end up watching after his mother for the rest of her life, hopefully he would be able to convince her to attend some kind of therapist when he got older, but he had his doubts on that, and as much as Frank would love to move away and forget about all of this the second he turned eighteen, he couldn't, because this was his mother, and even if she didn't love him anymore, she was still the only family he had left, and he wasn't going to abandon her.

Pete was the only one who knew everything Frank was going through, and he didn't judge him, quite the opposite actually. They had been best friends since they were four years old and Frank had showed Pete that play-doh tasted good, and he was the only person who Frank trusted with his secrets. He provided a place to crash when Frank needed to get out of the house, and even more importantly, a shoulder to cry on when Frank lost it.

Pete also helped Frank discover his second vice, which he might be even more addicted to than alcohol. When Pete had been questioning his sexuality, he asked Frank if he would experiment with him, just so he could find out if he really liked guys. Frank didn't have any romantic feelings for Pete; he loved him, but more like a brother than anything else - well maybe not a brother, because that would be incest, but basically, he cared about Pete a great deal, just not like that.

Frank agreed though, because he was a horny sixteen year old at the time, and he couldn't date anyone at his school because they all hated him, and he didn't mind helping Pete out in this. It was supposed to be a one-time thing, just to find out if Pete was gay or not - which he was, but after that discovery was made, they continued to fool around.

Frank found this odd sense of peace in the act of sex, it could calm him down, even on his worst days, and just for a little while, Frank could forget about all problems. Frank explained this to Pete, and he completely understood, so they became best friends/fuck buddies.

Pete got the fact that Frank just wanted the physical attention, and that he didn't really feel anything for Pete, and Frank made sure he knew that they could call this off whenever Pete - or Frank - got a _real_ boyfriend, and even though fuck buddies usually don't work out, and one or the other typically ended up developing feelings, they didn't.

Frank found that being with someone else felt even better - not necessarily pleasure wise, but for his fucked up self-esteem at least, because even though Pete was willing to sleep with Frank, he had known him for years, and Frank knew he cared for him, but when it was a stranger that wanted to be with Frank, the feeling of being needed and loved intensified a thousand fold.

Frank knew that these random one night stands didn't mean anything, and that his hook ups really didn't care for him, but like a typical white girl with daddy problems who turns to other men to find acceptance, Frank craved that feeling of intimacy, and he began to look forward to being picked up at the bar more than getting drunk.

Because underneath Frank's tough guy exterior that he presented to everyone else - besides Pete that is, Frank was really an insecure mess, and his mother's words has sunk in so deep, he was actually starting to believe them.

Frank didn't think he was worthy of love, or affection, so Frank needed those random strangers who bought him a drink and told him how hot he was. He craved another person's body heat pressing down on him, he soaked up the muttered compliments as they pressed inside of him, because that was all Frank had, and for those few moments, he actually felt beautiful, and wanted, and _loved_ , even if it was all a lie just to get in his pants.

Frank knew he was a pathetic slut, but he was past the point of caring what others thought of him - _well_ actually he did, but he still liked to pretend that he didn't.

And Frank truly believed that a drunken hookup at a bar was the closest he was going to get to love, because if his mother didn't love him, and his father hadn't even cared enough to call him, then how could anyone ever feel any sort of affection toward him?

All of this ran through Frank's head as he drained his bottle of liquor, and even though he would never tell anyone about this - not even Pete, tears were falling down his face as he truly realized what a fucking mess he had become in such a short amount of time.

Frank didn't cry - not anymore - not even around Pete, because it didn't help anything, it just made him feel even more pathetic, and what was the point in shedding tears over something that he could never change. Pete always tried to encourage Frank, telling him that this was just a rough patch, and things would get better soon, but that was a lie, and Frank knew it.

This was his life now, and that wasn't going to change unless his mother magically got better, which didn't look likely, and Frank was just going to have to live with that fact, which is why he turned to booze and sex, because they helped him survive, and he needed any support he could get, and that thought just made Frank cry even harder, trying his best to keep quiet so his mother wouldn't hear him.

Frank sighed when he glanced at the alarm clock on his bedside table after wiping his watery eyes, even though more tears spilled out as soon as he did that. It was already three in the morning, and even though he didn't have school tomorrow - it was still summer vacation for a few more weeks, he had quite a few errands to run, not to mention work later in the day, and he knew he needed some rest.

It was hard to fall asleep while he was choking back sobs though, but Frank did his best, curling up in a ball to try and lessen the ache in his heart that hadn't gone away ever since his father had left.

Eventually, Frank did drift off, and he forgot everything in the peaceful oblivion of sleep, but he knew that when he awoke, it would all come crashing back down, and he would have to face another day of being Frank Iero, which was really not the best motivation to ever want to wake up again.


	2. In Which Pete May Or May Not Have Performed Kinky Experiments Involving Salsa

Frank approached Pete's familiar house on tired feet; he hadn't really wanted to stop by today - not because he didn't want to see his friend, Frank was just running on three hours of sleep, and he had originally planned on napping before he had to be at work in a few hours.

But Pete had been blowing up his phone, starting at nine o' clock this morning, and continuing with his relentless messaging even once Frank had proven that he was still alive and functioning after last night. Pete refused to stop his excessive texting until Frank had agreed to come over, so Frank found himself knocking on his best friend's door halfheartedly as he did his best to stifle a jaw popping yawn.

"I've got it mom!" Pete's excited voice rang out, and Frank wondered how deaf Pete thought his mother was that inspired him to yell so loudly that Frank could hear it from his position on the front porch.

"Frankie!" Pete grinned happily before engulfing Frank in a bone crushing hug. Frank wasn't a very affectionate person, but Pete was always like this, even if he had just seen Frank yesterday, and Frank often compared him to an overexcited puppy in his mind.

Sometimes, Pete's hyper active nature could get irritating, but Frank actually enjoyed his bubbly personality. It brought Frank out of the morose cloud he was typically cocooned in, and Pete never failed to make Frank smile, which was a feat in itself. Pete and Frank's friendship proved the old saying _"opposites attract"_ , because even though they were contradictory in so many ways, they melded together perfectly.

"Hey Pete," Frank shoved his friend off gently when Pete showed no signs of letting go of him anytime soon.

"I was worried about you when you didn't respond to any of my texts yesterday." Pete grinned sheepishly when he finally released him.

"Sorry, but you know how I get...I just didn't feel up to socializing you know?" Frank shrugged uncomfortably, because even though he felt bad about ignoring Pete, he thought he would understand his radio silence. Maybe he had forgotten what day it was - Frank wouldn't blame him if he did.

"It's okay, you are here now."

"So...are you gonna invite me in, or are we hanging out on the porch today?" Frank smirked at Pete, who literally looked around as if he had only just now realized that they were still standing outside.

"Oops, my bad," Pete giggled before heading back inside with Frank trailing after him.

"Hello Frank dear," Pete's mother greeted them as they entered the kitchen, where she was cooking something that smelled delicious.

"Hey Mrs. Wentz," Frank answered as he took in the amazing scent that wafted from the oven.

Frank loved spending time at Pete's place, especially when his mother was home, because she always treated him like part of the family, and she reminded Frank of how his mother used to act before his father's departure. Frank felt more at home here than he ever did in his own house lately, and even though he hadn't wanted to come over earlier, he was glad that he had. Something about Pete's house just oozed peacefulness, and Frank could fully relax here.

"Are you hungry? Dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes."

"Yeah that would be great, thank you so much," Frank gushed while his stomach growled loudly, as if it wanted to vocalize its input as well.

Frank hadn't had a chance to eat anything today in his rush to get to the bank and make some deposits, and there hadn't been any decent food in the house anyway. He had been planning on grabbing a quick bite once he got to work, but a home cooked meal made by Mrs. Wentz was an opportunity that he would never pass up.

"You don't need to thank me Frank, you know you are basically my second son."

"You are too nice to me Mrs. Wentz." Frank blushed slightly at her kind words, because even after all these years, her acceptance of him never failed to surprise him, and he would be eternally grateful to her for taking him in whenever he needed a place to stay.

"Well somebody needs to feed you - look how skinny you are getting." Mrs. Wentz shot him a sad look before turning back to the stove. She knew about his mother of course - not everything, but enough to deduce that Frank wasn't being taken care of properly.

"Frankie - come on!" Pete spoke up from the top of the stairs, gesturing for Frank to follow him to his room.

"You don't need any help do you Mrs. Wentz?" Frank asked, ignoring Pete's obnoxious hand motions for the moment, because if Pete's mother was going to serve him dinner, the least he could do was offer to assist her in some way.

"No - you boys go upstairs, and I will call you when it is ready. Thanks for asking sweetheart," Mrs. Wentz smiled before shooing Frank away from the kitchen. Pete had already disappeared down the hallway, he probably bolted as soon as he heard Frank's question so he wouldn't get roped into making dinner.

Once Frank had ascended the carpeted steps and made his way into Pete's room, he collapsed on the messy bed with a heavy sigh, closing his tired eyes for a moment as Pete rummaged around through his precariously stacked pile of CDs he kept on his desk. After a few minutes of muttered cursing, Pete let out a happy exclamation, and then Nirvana's Lithium began playing through Pete's crappy computer speakers.

"So...you okay Frankie?" Pete sat down next to Frank, making the mattress dip slightly under his weight. Frank usually hated when anyone called him Frankie, because that was the nickname his father had used for him, so he became very defensive when anyone attempted to do the same. Pete was the exception though, because he had been using the same endearment since kindergarten, and he was the only one who could utter the dreaded name without making Frank want to punch them in the face.

"Yeah - just peachy," Frank mumbled with his face pressed against Pete's comforter, which smelled slightly like salsa - only Pete would eat salsa in bed, or at least, Frank hoped he was eating it, and not doing some weird kinky shit involving spicy dip.

"I didn't forget what yesterday was, I just didn't want you to be alone," Pete spoke up after a few minutes of silence.

"Oh...well yeah, I'm okay. I mean - it was two years ago now," Frank lied, even though he knew he could tell Pete how he was truly feeling, he just didn't have the energy to get all emotional right now. Frank had barely gotten himself out of the depressive state he had been in last night, and he wasn't eager to sink back down into it so soon.

"You are a terrible liar," Pete's tone of voice was causal, like he was commenting on the weather or something, but Frank knew he was trying to hide his hurt feelings when Frank didn't open up to him. Pete seemed to view his close friendship with Frank as a point of pride, and when Frank tried to shut down on him, Pete got offended, and Frank knew he wasn't going to get over this unless Frank told him something.

" _Fine_...I'm not okay, but that's kind of a given. I'm here, and I'm better than I was last night, so yeah..." Frank rolled over so Pete could read his face, which carried an honest expression tinged slightly with exasperation.

"I could have hung out with you, kept your mind off it - you know?" Pete still sounded slightly offended, and Frank knew he shouldn't be getting irritated at the only person who cared about him, but he was. He just didn't want to talk about this right now, and Pete knew that, but he was convinced that letting things out would help Frank heal, so he was always pushing him to vent about his feelings.

"Yeah I know, I just wanted to be alone - sometimes that is what's best for me."

"Frank...are you _sure_ you are okay? I mean - like you said, it's been two years, and it seems like you are getting worse instead of better."

"I'm trying Pete, _really_ \- I am. It's just hard..." Frank stared down at the deep red blanket he was lying on top of instead of at Pete, because no matter how much he trusted his best friend, he still hated exposing himself like this.

"I know...I just want you to be happy."

"Same here Pete, believe me - I do. It's just not that easy," Frank sighed, because it wasn't like he was making himself miserable for no reason, but right now, dragging himself through each day took all of his energy, and it was hard to stay cheerful when he didn't have anything to look forward to.

"I just thought time would help you, but - _fuck_ , I don't know what I'm saying. I'm not a fucking therapist, so I should just shut up," Pete groaned out, and he sounded truly distressed at the fact that he couldn't magically fix all of Frank's problems.

"No Pete, it's fine. You care, and that helps more than you know, but can we talk about something else?"

"Yeah of course," Pete stretched out next to Frank on the bed, pressing a swift kiss to his cheek in the process. Frank smiled at the gesture; Pete was always affectionate, even when they were just hanging out, and he liked it. It made him feel special, even though he knew it was just a friendly habit.

"So have you told your parents you are gay yet?" Frank asked after wracking his brain for something that would distract Pete from Frank's pathetic life for the time being.

"No..." Pete groaned, flipping over and burying his face into a nearby pillow.

"Why not? You have the coolest mom ever, and your dad is pretty chill too. I know they wouldn't care."

"Your right, I guess I'm just scared of disappointing them - you know? I'm an only child, and they are always talking about how they want grandchildren one day, and - _fuck_ , I just can't Frank." Pete's voice came out muffled, but Frank still got the gist of his words.

"Well it's not like being gay means you can't have kids; there is adoption, and surrogacy, and all that stuff. Just explain it to them. They might freak out at first, but I'm sure they will warm up to the idea," Frank reassured his friend. He truly believed his parents would be cool with it; they hadn't ostracized him after his father had come out like so many of his neighbors had, and they were some of the most understanding people Frank knew - there was no way they wouldn't support their son in his choices.

"But what if they don't? The gay topic has never really come up, and I honestly don't even know how they feel about any of it. I've tried to go through with it a hundred times, but I always end up freaking myself out."

"I understand, and I'm not pressuring you. I just think you are making too big a deal out of this." Frank put his arm around Pete in a comforting gesture, and his friend exhaled heavily against his shoulder.

"I'm going to tell them eventually, I was sort of just waiting until I got a boyfriend. Then I would actually have incentive to come out I guess." Pete shrugged, and Frank patted his back gently.

"Take your time dude, it's no rush. I was just curious - that's all."

"Boys - dinner is ready!" Mrs. Wentz called out from downstairs, and Frank's stomach grumbled again, making him wonder if it somehow understood the English language.

"Come on man, let's go eat. My mom is right - you are getting way too thin."

\---------------------------------------------

Gerard was ninety percent sure he was still drunk from last night, and that was pretty sad, given the fact that it was two in the afternoon, but he had no idea when he actually stopped drinking yesterday, although he knew it was the early hours of the morning, so he shouldn't be too surprised.

He just couldn't control himself, especially not _last night_. Everything was just too much, and he had no one to distract him since Mikey had disappeared to fuck knows where - hopefully Ray's house so he would at least have someone to watch out for him.

Gerard should have been worried about the fact that he was clueless about his brother's exact location; he still hadn't come home, even though he had left around nine last night, but his pounding headache and roiling stomach were distracting him from his brother's absence.

Honestly, Mikey was probably doing exactly what Gerard was, trying to get over a hangover, or _something_ , and debating on if he could risk moving right now, and Gerard didn't blame him.

With a tortured groan, Gerard began rummaging around his room for his missing phone so he could text Mikey, but his search came up empty of course.

He couldn't even remember half of last night, which was probably a good thing. He had planned on going out to meet Bert for a drink, but that plan had gotten thrown out the window when he started the party early, and by the time ten had rolled around, he was already too wasted to even consider driving.

He hadn't really wanted to be around people anyway, but Bert had convinced him that it would be better to distract himself by actually leaving his apartment and socializing, but Gerard had ended up texting his friend and canceling, which Bert had sort of been expecting the entire day anyway.

That was the last time Gerard remembered having his phone, but he couldn't recall what room he was in when he sent that message - maybe the kitchen?

Pulling himself to his feet, Gerard attempted to walk on shaky legs toward the aforementioned room, but he didn't even make it halfway there before he had to change directions and bolt for the bathroom.

Gerard barely made it in time, choking back bile as he tossed open the toilet lid so hard, he wouldn't have been surprised if it had cracked, but he couldn't worry about that right now, not when his stomach was cramping painfully as he threw up everything he had eaten yesterday, and what felt like a few internal organs as well.

When his stomach was finally done emptying itself, Gerard collapsed onto the cold tile floor in a heap, too weak to continue his journey into the kitchen to retrieve his phone. Mikey was probably doing better than Gerard was right now in any case.

This was the worst hangover Gerard could remember experiencing in ages; he rarely got them anymore, but he had gone overboard last night. He just couldn't seem to drink enough to shut up his mind, and he had kept going until everything became a fuzzy blur of tears and anger, until he had finally blacked out.

Gerard was suddenly struck by what a pathetic picture he presented in this moment, sprawled out on the bathroom floor, his greasy unwashed hair fanning out behind him, his face still stained with tears from last night.

How did he fall so hard, so fast? Not that Gerard had ever been the epitome of happiness, but _fuck_ \- this hurt, and it hadn't stopped hurting since _that night_. His pitiful existence made him want to cry again, but he had done enough of that last night, and his eyes were dry and scratchy because of it.

He knew where it started - actually, he would never forget, but even though he had a perfectly legitimate reason to be such a mess, he thought that after two years, he would have started to pick himself back up, but he seemed incapable of doing that, no matter how hard he tried.

Elena had always done that for him; she had been the helping hand that dragged his sorry ass off the floor when he didn't have the strength to move, the supporting presence that convinced Gerard to follow his dreams, even though they had crashed and burned in the end.

Even when Gerard's parents had kicked him out of the house for being gay, saying they never wanted anything to do with him again, Elena had taken him in and given him a place to stay and a shoulder to cry on. Mikey had come to live with them not long after, he couldn't stand his parents treatment of Gerard, and he eventually came out as pansexual himself.

She was their everything: their mother, and father, and best friend, and mentor all in one. Without her, Gerard had no idea where he would have ended up, and it wasn't a pleasant thought, not that his current situation was an ideal one, but it would have been so much worse without Elena.

But she was gone now; she had passed away two years ago as of yesterday, which explained Gerard's binge drinking and Mikey's disappearance last night. Her death had destroyed both of them, it had been so sudden, and they had no time to prepare or brace themselves for their lives without her in it, so they had fallen apart into the sad shells of people they currently were today.

Gerard thought time would make things better, but it didn't. Everything hurt even worse today then it had when he had first received the news, probably because the shock and denial had worn off, and he couldn't hide behind his numb facade as well as he used to.

She was never coming back, and Gerard and Mikey were alone - besides for each other, but even then, it wasn't enough. Two broken people couldn't come together to make a whole, it just didn't work that way, and even though they tried to support each other the best that they could, Gerard knew they were just placing masking tape over their internal wounds, using drugs and alcohol as a temporary fix for their pain.

That was why Gerard had lost himself in a liquor bottle last night, that was why he was at least buzzed eighty percent of the time, because he had to continuously apply a new bandage over his damaged heart, or it would break apart, and he would never be able to stitch himself back together again when that happened.

This wasn't living, and Gerard knew it, but it was the best he could do for the time being, and maybe one day, he would pull himself together and find some joy in the world again, but not today, and probably not tomorrow - maybe not _ever_ , and Gerard had come to accept that.


	3. Who The Hell Let Brendon And Ryan Run A Bar?

Frank barely even remembered work, and it wasn't because he was drunk or anything; it was just _boring_ , and monotonous, but it was a way to make money, and thankfully it ended quickly at the very least.

And even though Frank had probably drank enough last night to reach his alcohol consumption levels for the week, he found himself turning his feet toward his favorite bar, not because he particularly wanted to get wasted tonight, but because he was hoping to find someone to take him home so he wouldn't have to return to his room with the pillow that was probably still slightly damp with his tears from last night for a few more hours.

He was well aware the he could sneak back into Pete's house and just spend the night with him, but he knew Pete would want to make him talk more about his _"feelings"_ and Frank didn't want that, not tonight, maybe not _ever_.

He wanted someone who didn't know a thing about the real Frank Iero, someone who wouldn't ask how he was holding up, or offer him advice and comfort. Frank just wanted to forget about his father right now, especially since he had ignored the text Frank had sent him this morning, simply stating that Frank missed him. Frank hadn't really been expecting a reply; he wasn't even sure if his father still had the same phone number anymore, but a fucking _"I do too"_ would have been really nice - nowhere near enough by any means, but it would have been a start.

So that is why Frank wanted - no, _needed_ , another man's arms around him tonight, telling him he was beautiful, and special, because maybe he would actually believe it this time, and maybe - just _maybe_ , it would lessen the pain of the complete radio silence he had been receiving from his father for the past two years.

The other guys from work had decided to head straight home after their shift had ended; it was a Monday night after all, so they had a long week ahead of them, and his coworkers actually used the bar to get wasted, instead of a pick-up zone - not that Frank wasn't planning on drinking, he just wanted to be able to actually remember who he went home with, if he was fortunate enough to get that far.

When Frank pushed open the door to the pub, he found it decently empty, which wasn't a surprise. Friday and Saturday nights were the busiest time of the week, and Frank knew that, but he thought he would try his luck anyway.

There was a larger, much more populated club kind of thing further into town, and although Frank would probably have a better chance of finding a willing guy there, he wasn't close with the bartenders at that establishment, and his fake ID only fooled the bouncers about fifty percent of the time.

Brendon waved at him from behind the counter when he caught sight of Frank, and he returned the gesture. Frank considered him a friend, even though he never hung out with him outside of the bar. Brendon owned this place, and he and his boyfriend Ryan were the sweetest people Frank had the pleasure of knowing.

Frank had been attracted to Brendon when he first started coming here, but that quickly dissipated when he saw how perfect Brendon and Ryan were together. They were literally the most adorable couple he had ever seen, and even though he wanted to throw up sometimes when they got especially mushy in front of him, he didn't blame them for it. If Frank had someone look at him the way Ryan did to Brendon, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off him either.

"Just the usual Frank?" Brendon smiled down at him as Frank placed himself on what he had claimed as _"his bar stool"_.

"Yeah, where's Ryan?" Frank asked when he didn't spot the headband wearing man anywhere.

"In the back, balancing the books. I swear I would lose this place if it wasn't for him. I don't have the right sort of mind for numbers." Brendon's lip twitched upward slightly as he talked about his boyfriend, and Frank felt a slight pang of jealously erupt in his chest. He wanted what Brendon and Ryan had, and even though he knew it would never happen, it still hurt sometimes, and his emotional defenses hadn't recovered entirely after last night's breakdown.

"Stop gushing about your boyfriend and get me my drink," Frank teased, to which Brendon saluted him and started messing around behind the bar, emerging a minute later with Frank's jack and coke.

"So how's life treating you?" Brendon asked as he leaned against the counter with a sigh. Frank didn't mind when Brendon asked this, because he knew it was just small talk, and Brendon didn't expect a real answer.

Frank had actually opened up quite a bit to Brendon in the past, back when he couldn't hold his alcohol, and the sympathetic bartender had been willing to lend an ear to the pathetic mess that was Frank Iero. He knew about his father, and even a little about his mother's condition that his loosened tongue had let slip. Still, he never pressed Frank on anything; just let him talk when he needed to get something off of his chest, and providing him with alcohol to make the act easier.

Frank was pretty sure that Brendon knew he was underage, he had to by now, given how much information he had provided him with, but he had never refused him service, to which Frank was eternally gratefully. Besides for Pete, Brendon was the closest thing Frank had to friend, and even if he didn't manage to score tonight, it was still nice to pass the time away with Brendon.

"Not great, but that's nothing new. I'm just so fucking tired of everything you know. This is all I have to look forward to." Frank ended up admitting a bit more than he had been meaning to, but this was Brendon after all, and his understanding smile and kind nature just had that kind of effect on Frank.

"I know Frank, but at least you are still young. You have time, which is something a lot of my regulars don't have. Keep fighting, and it might just turn around one day," Brendon encouraged him, receiving a weak smile from Frank in return.

Frank wanted to believe that Brendon was right, and he would wake up tomorrow, or sometime in the near future, and his life would magically fix itself; maybe his dad would come home, and his mother would go back to normal, and Frank could be happy again, but he knew that was just a fool's hope, and he wasn't stupid enough to think that could ever happen.

"Yeah - my friend Pete keeps telling me that, I just wish I could pause time, I need a break you know?" Frank shrugged causally, because he knew that probably everyone in the world thought the same thing at one point in their life or another, and sometimes he felt bad for acting like his situation was so horrible; he was well aware that he could have it much worse.

"Well as soon as I figure out how to invent a machine that does that, you will be the first to know," Brendon giggled. Frank didn't have time to respond before he was called away to refill another customer's drink, so he simply sipped on his own beverage slowly.

Now that he was left to himself for a bit, Frank took the time to observe who else was sharing the bar with him tonight. Like he said before, it was a slow night, and this town wasn't huge, so it was the just the regular crowd of older men and the odd woman or two who spent practically every night here, just like Frank.

He should have known better than to expect to find a quick hookup on a Monday night, and if he was smart, he would have tried his luck at the club which he couldn't remember the name of, but Frank didn't feel up to facing the pounding music and strobe lights of that place; he would much rather be in Brendon's pub, which currently had Nirvana playing through the crappy old speakers on a low volume, even if he would end up going home alone.

Frank finished his drink slowly, chatting with Brendon occasionally as he passed by in-between making his rounds, but after his third jack and coke, Frank began to think about calling it a night and catching up on some sleep.

Just then though, the small bell over the door jingled softly, and Frank's eyes were drawn to the newcomer who entered the bar with his head down and his jacket pulled tightly around him.

He looked young; older than Frank by a few years, but he couldn't be more than twenty-five. His blonde hair was pushed back from his thin face, exposing the darker roots which proved that it was colored, and Frank liked what he saw.

Everything about him, from the prominent cheekbones to the honey colored eyes were very attractive, and Frank decided to stay for at least one more drink so he could feel this guy out, raising his hand so Brendon would know that he wanted another.

The stranger slipped into the barstool two away from Frank's, barely lifting his head so he could whisper his order to Brendon as he passed by in the process of giving Frank his next drink.

Frank was pretty certain that he had never seen this guy before, and not just at the bar, but like anywhere, which was a bit odd. Belleville was a relatively small city, and even though Frank wasn't going to boast and say he knew everyone here, he was sure he would have noticed this guy if he had spied him wandering around town.

He was cute, _totally_ Frank's type, and even though Frank saved his hookups for the pub, that didn't meant he couldn't look at attractive guys when they passed by, and he was sure this man would have caught his eye if they had ever crossed paths before.

That left Frank to wonder if he had recently moved here or something, which was slightly strange; not that many people willing chose to live in Belleville, but maybe this guy didn't have a say in the matter.

When Brendon placed Frank's drink next to him, Frank motioned to the newcomer with his eyes, which was their universal symbol meaning Frank wanted to buy this round for the guy.

Frank wasn't made of money, _obviously_ , but he had found that this was an excellent way to break the ice, and one more charge on his tab wasn't going to kill him. Brendon was always telling him to take his time paying his balance back anyway; he knew Frank was reliable, and he never minded cutting him a break when funds were tight.

Frank stayed quiet as Brendon delivered the stranger his drink, whispering in his ear and pointing to Frank when the guy shot him a questioning look. Brendon was used to Frank's habit of picking up guys by now, and he even attempted to help him if he caught sight of a good looking one before Frank did.

Frank smiled sheepishly as the man's eyes fell on him, and even though the guy didn't smile back, he grabbed his drink and moved over to occupy the barstool next to Frank.

"Thanks man, seriously," the guy spoke up and a slight grin finally emerged, it was more of a twitch at the corner of his lips than a true grin, but it was something. Frank sensed that his face didn't carry that expression often, so he felt slightly honored to have received a positive response.

"No problem, I know what it feels like to need a drink."

"Still, it means a lot. I just moved back into town, and it's nice to see that not everyone is a complete asshole."

"Yeah - we aren't _all_ dicks, just ninety nine percent of us," Frank giggled slightly.

"Seriously, I think I would have gone insane already if Ray hadn't come back with us. There is nothing to do here, and everyone seems to have a stick up their ass," the still nameless guy ranted, moving his hands around slightly as he spoke. Frank had a feeling that this wasn't his first drink of the night, because even though he didn't smell like alcohol, most people weren't this open with complete strangers two minutes after meeting them.

"Why did you decide to move here then if you hate it so much?" Frank asked, and he was actually genuinely curious. Most people who left Belleville didn't even bother with a backward glance, much less actually return here.

"It wasn't my choice, _believe me_. My brother wanted to get back to our roots for some fucking stupid reason, and I don't really have anywhere else to go. He's all I have left now that everything went to shit." The guy's explanation was vague, but Frank understood what he was saying, or at least the gist of it. Honestly, this stranger reminded Frank a lot of himself, and he could relate to being stuck in a situation that he couldn't escape from, no matter how much he hated it.

"So what's your name?" Frank asked, choosing not to press the guy for more information; he would keep talking if he wanted to, and Frank wasn't going to do the exact same thing that he so despised when other people did it to him.

"Oh yeah...it's Mikey, _well_ I guess it's technically Michael, but no one ever calls me that anymore," he chuckled softly, polishing off his drink before motioning to Brendon for another.

"I'm Frank."

"You're nice Frank, I like you," Mikey stated solemnly, and that was when Frank noticed how wide his pupils were blown out, and Frank knew alcohol wasn't the only substance in his body right now. Frank really didn't have a problem with people taking drugs, they just freaked him out a little bit, probably because he had never tried them - alcohol was good enough for him.

"I like you too Mikey," Frank smiled, trying to ignore the fact that Mikey was probably incredibly high right now, not to mention Brendon giving him the thumbs up from behind Mikey's back.

They continued chatting for another hour or so about everything and nothing, skirting around the deeper topics, even though Mikey alluded to his demons a couple more times. They consumed probably a few too many drinks in the process, but Frank wasn't really worried. He was actually genuinely enjoying Mikey's company, and although he still wanted to end up in his bed later on tonight, even if that didn't happen, he was still happy he had met him.

" _Fuck_ \- my head is spinning," Mikey announced as he pushed away his empty glass, but this was only his third drink, so unless he was a major lightweight, he shouldn't be too drunk yet.

"You okay dude?" Frank asked in a concerned tone of voice, but he was met with Mikey's back as he all but sprinted to the bathroom.

After waiting for Mikey to return for about five minutes, Frank decided to go check on him. He found the poor guy hunched over the toilet seat; he hadn't managed to lock the door to the stall properly, so it had swung open, revealing his crumpled form to anyone that happened to walk into the bathroom.

Frank didn't say anything; he simply sat on the nasty floor next to him and rubbed his back soothingly as he dry heaved a couple of times, producing nothing but saliva and bile.

"Not too good at holding your liquor huh?" Frank chuckled lightly when Mikey finally lifted his head from the lid of the toilet seat.

"No, it's not that. _Fuck_ \- I think I took some bad coke, I don't know if I can get up," Mikey groaned as he slumped backwards so his back was resting against the wall.

" _Shit_ \- has this happened before? Should I call an ambulance?" Frank gasped, suddenly very unsure of what to do. He was an expert when it came to dealing with drunk people, having plenty of experience with himself, but a cocaine overdose was entirely new to him.

"No, I'm not gonna OD, I probably just got a bad batch - I think it was Matt's old stash, should have known he would buy shitty drugs," Mikey grumbled so quietly that Frank could barely hear him.

"What should I do?" Frank didn't want to admit that he was panicking slightly, but he liked Mikey, and he didn't want him to die here in this nasty bathroom while he just sat back and watched.

"I'll be okay in a few hours, but can you drive me home? I didn't bring my car..."

"I didn't drive either..." Frank admitted guiltily, even though he had no reason to feel bad about that. Frank couldn't afford a vehicle yet, even though he had been saving up for one, and his mother had to go to work in the morning, so he hadn't borrowed her car for the night like he did on some occasions, just in case he didn't make it home before she had to leave.

"That's okay, I'll just call my brother," Mikey grinned weakly, patting the pockets of his tight jeans with shaking hands, but he didn't seem to be able to find his phone.

"Do you need help reaching it?" Frank finally spoke when Mikey threw his hands up in frustration after digging in his jacket as well.

"No - fucking hell, I think I left it at Ray's..."

"You can borrow mine," Frank offered, but Mikey simply shook his head.

"I don't know Gerard's fucking number because he just got a new phone..." Mikey groaned, letting his head fall back in defeat.

"Well...do you live far? I can help you walk home at the very least."

"Really? _Fuck_ you are sweet, but we better hurry before I get worse," Mikey grimaced as he spoke, as if even the act of speaking was hurting him.

"Yeah - okay," Frank mumbled to himself as he slipped his arms under Mikey's, heaving his limp frame up off of the tile floor with a bit of effort. Mikey was tall, but he was lanky too, and he wasn't very heavy - thank fuck for that.

They managed to walk out of the bathroom with minimal trouble, even though Mikey was leaning most of his weight against Frank. Brendon shot them a worried look as they stumbled by, but Frank simply smiled at him.

Frank hoped that Brendon didn't blame himself for Mikey's condition; Brendon hated when he over-served his customers and they got sick because of it, and he mentally reminded himself to explain it to Brendon the next time he saw him, which would probably be tomorrow night, because there was no way he was going to try and sleep with Mikey while he was in this sorry state, so he would have to try again tomorrow with a different guy.

"You doing okay?" Frank asked once they had made it outside into the relatively fresh air. It was the end of July though, so it was hot and muggy, even at this late hour.

"Yeah - I'm good. I live on Green Court Street, in that big apartment complex," Mikey gasped out, and Frank could tell that he wasn't being completely honest about his condition.

"I know where that is," Frank informed him. Actually, it was pretty close to his own house, only two streets over to be precise, so it wasn't out of his way at all.

"I'm so sorry about this Frank, I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"It's cool dude, I'm just glad I was with you when it happened," Frank smiled, even though Mikey probably didn't see it because his eyes were half closed, and his head was lolling against Frank's shoulder.

Frank really didn't mind though, because Mikey was the most interesting person he had met in ages, and he didn't even care that he wasn't going to get laid tonight. If Mikey followed through on his promise to make it up to him, then maybe it would happen sometime in the near future, but if not, Frank hoped he and Mikey could at least stay in contact. Maybe he would finally make another friend besides Pete for once - or even a _boyfriend_.

Frank tried to stamp down on that pointless hope as soon as it was formed in his head, but he couldn't seem to squash it entirely. Mikey was nice, even if he seemed a little fucked up - Frank wasn't one to judge, and he couldn't remember the last time he had enjoyed pointless conversation so much. Usually he just nodded and smiled until the guy finally offered to take him home, but with Mikey, he had actually listened.

He knew better than to expect something like that though, because Mikey was at least a few years older than Frank, and he probably wouldn't like him anymore once he was sober, or even remember him for that matter.

Frank's buoyant mood instantly deflated at the thought, even though he shouldn't be so crushed over this - it was _nothing_ , but Frank was fragile right now, and his aching heart weighed him down even more than Mikey's heavy body as he pulled him along the deserted streets.


	4. Frank Is A Fourteen Year Old Girl With A Crush All Because Of Gerard

Even though Mikey's apartment building wasn't that far of a walk - maybe fifteen minutes at the most under ideal conditions, Frank was exhausted already from carrying most of Mikey's weight on his shoulders, and they had barely even made it halfway.

Frank had plenty of practice dragging his own drunk ass home after a long night, but this was the first time he had ever had to take into account someone else who was in a worse state then him, and Mikey wasn't drunk, which was something he kept having to remind himself of.

Mikey had been silent for over five minutes now, and Frank was really beginning to worry about him. Even though he had assured Frank numerous times that he would be fine after a few hours, Frank wasn't so certain.

What if he really was suffering from an overdose, and Frank just didn't realize it. He didn't have any previous experience with drugs, so he wouldn't be able to recognize the signs of one if that was indeed the case, so he just had to hope that Mikey was right about this.

"Come on Mikey, talk to me," Frank huffed out, needing to make sure that he hadn't passed out on him or something, even though his feet were still stumbling along lazily, which meant he had to be at least _partially_ conscious.

"What do you want me to say?" Mikey mumbled softly, and Frank exhaled a sigh of relief at the fact that Mikey was still semi-functioning.

"I don't care, _anything_ really. Tell me something I don't know about you," Frank shrugged. That was a pretty broad topic since he had only met Mikey a few hours ago, so that should give him plenty of options.

"I used to be in a band," Mikey sighed out after another minute of nothing but Frank's heavy breathing and their echoing footfalls resounding down the quiet street.

"Oh yeah? Were you any good?" Frank had to admit that the fact that Mikey was a musician made him even hotter in his eyes, but now was not the time for those thoughts.

"Yeah man, I think we were pretty decent, even though that might make me sound stuck up or something," Mikey chuckled dryly.

"What were you called?" Frank asked, trying to keep Mikey's attention on their conversation, and not on how far they still had to go.

" _My Chemical Romance_. I thought of the name actually, it was the title of some book I saw when I worked at Barnes and Noble, and I always loved it. So when my brother came to me with this crazy idea to get a band together, I suggested it, and he went for it."

"Hmm...I haven't heard of it, but I'm more of a classic rock guy myself. What instrument did you play?" Talking with Mikey was actually doing a good job of distracting Frank from his aching limbs and Mikey's dead weight, not to mention he was genuinely interested in Mikey's band.

"I was the bass player, I taught myself just so I could be in the band - dropped out of college and everything for it, and then Gerard goes and ends it before we barely even got started." Mikey's words were laced with venom, and Frank winced in sympathy. He couldn't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to have your band break up, but from the way Mikey was reacting just from talking about it, it _really_ fucking sucked.

"If you don't mind me asking, why did he call it off?" Frank could sense that this was something Mikey would never talk about when sober, especially not to a complete stranger, but Frank was truly curious about what had happened.

"I don't even know...it was _so_ unexpected. The band was his baby; he created it, and then one day, out of the blue, he says it's over. I mean, _yeah_ \- a lot of shit happened, and we were all getting pretty fucked up, but breaking up the band only made it worse in my opinion," Mikey scoffed angrily, and even though Frank really wanted to know more, they had finally made it to the apartment complex that Mikey had said he lived in, which was called _Synergy Gardens_ , whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean.

"Hey Mikey, we are here. Which one do you live in?" Frank really hoped that Mikey would remember, because this place was huge, and it wasn't just one large building with different levels. It had numerous sections to it that sprawled all over the place, and Frank didn't even see a front office where he could ask for help.

"The number is 515, but they don't do it by floors or whatever, it's just kinda random. If this is the front gate, we need to follow this road for a bit." Mikey pointed to his left, and Frank trudged along in the direction Mikey said, hoping his navigation skills were still functioning, because his legs were getting _really_ fucking tired.

"Now what?" Frank gasped out when the road ended in a sort of cul-de-sac, forcing Frank to pause as Mikey gathered his bearings.

"Just walk up that path, and then it's the building on our left. It's on the second floor, three or four doors in I think."

"Okay - _fuck_ that's a lot of stairs..." Frank groaned when he caught sight of the metal steps they would have to climb to reach the second level. It could have been worse though, so Frank was grateful that Mikey didn't live on the top floor at least. There was probably an elevator around here somewhere, but Frank was too exhausted to waste the effort looking for one.

"I know, I'm _so_ sorry Frank. I haven't said thank you enough for this," Mikey huffed out, and Frank noticed that he was supporting himself a little better now, even though he was still leaning on Frank pretty heavily.

"It's fine dude, like I said before - I like you, and there was no way I was going to leave you in the bar." Frank tried to brush it off like it was nothing, but Mikey wasn't having it.

"No, you _totally_ should have, and I would have deserved it, but you didn't. _I swear_ \- I'm taking you out to dinner or something as an apology."

"If you want to." Frank turned his head slightly in an attempt to hide his growing blush.

" _I do._ " Mikey grinned down at Frank when they paused momentarily to build up some energy to tackle the stairs.

"Well let's get you home first, and we can talk about dinner later," Frank smiled back before hefting Mikey into a slightly more comfortable position and tackling the first set of stairs with a renewed sense of energy brought on by Mikey's words.

After what seemed like hours of struggling up the metal stairs, but what was probably only five minutes at the most, Frank and Mikey made it to the second floor. Frank actually had to stop for a moment to catch his breath before continuing down the long hallway. He didn't think he was that out of shape, but carrying a full grown man across town was the most exercise he had participated in all year.

"Almost there," Mikey whispered, and Frank could only nod in agreement.

"515 right?" Frank asked while he glanced at the swirling numbers that decorated each door.

"Yeah, it's the next one on the left."

Sure enough, after only a few more painful steps, the door embossed with the number 515 graced Frank's vision, and he gave himself a mental pat on the back for making it this far without collapsing. Grasping the doorknob with his free hand, Frank tried to turn it, but it was locked.

"I need your key," Frank panted out as he leaned Mikey up against the wall to give his aching arms a rest, and Mikey a free hand to fish the key out with.

" _Fucking hell_ \- I don't have it...I meant to go back to Ray's after I went to the bar. All my shit is there." Mikey admitted with a guilty look on his face after patting down his pockets quickly, causing Frank to stare at him in disbelief.

"How am I supposed to get in then?" Frank groaned loudly, because there was no way he was going to walk all the way back to the front gates to try and find someone to help them, not without a quick sit down at the very least.

"Just knock; my brother should be in, he never leaves the apartment unless he has to," Mikey sighed out as he let himself slip to the ground, his gangly limbs sprawling out around him at an awkward angle.

"God I hope he's home," Frank muttered under his breath before raising his fist and rapping firmly on the door.

Luckily for him, he heard someone moving around inside, and he didn't have to wait long before the door was yanked open rather roughly by who Frank could only assume was Mikey's brother, Gerard.

And to this day, Frank had no idea what he did, or even said, when he got his first glimpse of Gerard Way, because time seemed to stop and speed up all at once. Frank felt frozen in his body, and he couldn't command it do anything besides for stand there and gaze at Gerard.

Gerard was seriously captivating, and Frank never really stood a chance. Frank had thought Mikey was cute, and he _was_ , but Gerard was on an entirely different level. The brothers had some similarities, but the features they shared seemed to flow better on Gerard's face, and Frank actually forgot how to breathe as he continued to stare awkwardly at Gerard.

Everything about him; from his cheekbones, to his inky black hair which just barely brushed his shoulders, to his stunning hazel eyes which were flecked with green and gold, made Frank's knees go weak and his heartbeat speed up.

And even though Gerard was clothed in a ratty pair of sweatpants and a dirty white t-shirt, holding a half empty beer bottle in his hand, he pulled it off in a way that no one else could.

Gerard was just beautiful, _no_ \- that didn't even cover it, he was stunning, _gorgeous_ even - he was too good to be real, at least in Frank's opinion, and he had the odd desire to reach out and touch him, just to make sure he wasn't some figment of his imagination that Frank had just conjured up.

But Frank couldn't move his arms, or any part of his body, just his eyes actually, which roved up and down Gerard's slim figure hungrily.

It was if the universe had paused this moment in time, just to put emphasis on the fact that Gerard was special, and _important_ , and the world wanted to make sure Frank realized that, even though he probably would have figured that out all on his own.

Frank knew Gerard was different the second he first laid eyes on him, but he wasn't able to fathom how much. There was no way he could have discerned how truly broken Gerard was under his flawless exterior, and how much he could potentially fuck Frank up if Frank allowed him into his life.

Frank had no idea that this was the moment that would change his life forever, but it _was_ , and if he had any clue what was about to happen, he would have ran off as fast as his shaky legs could carry him, but he didn't know - _of course_ he didn't.

And because Frank couldn't see into the future, he didn't hightail it out of there; instead, he drank in Gerard like he was the last drop of water in a desert oasis, and it didn't matter that the alluring liquid was laced with poison, because Frank couldn't taste the deadly substance, and it was just too tempting to resist, even if he had been aware of it in the first place.

Frank had no idea how much time had passed as stood there trying to absorb every minute detail about Gerard, but it seemed like hours had flown by, but in reality, it had probably been thirty seconds at the most.

Frank had no idea why Gerard had seized his attention so quickly, and why he couldn't stop staring at him, but he had just enough alcohol still swimming through his bloodstream not to question his strange behavior. He simply wrote it off, because Gerard was the hottest person he had ever seen in real life, so his reaction wasn't really that weird - _right_? It totally was, but Frank was passed the point of caring.

And a small part of his brain was screaming at him to get a grip; he had just been crushing on Mikey minutes earlier hadn't he, and if Mikey was out of his league, Gerard was so far beyond Frank's reach that they might as well live on different planets, but Frank didn't want to be logical right now. Frank wanted to take a risk, because his entire existence was filled with being responsible because his mother couldn't, and Frank was so tired of playing it safe.

And it didn't even matter that he didn't know Gerard at all, and that he might not even be gay, and that Frank was acting like a total creep, because Frank had never felt this way before about anyone, and he couldn't help but think that this is what those romance movies always tried to convey when the main characters met for the first time, but their cheesy renditions didn't do this feeling justice - not by a long shot.

Honestly, it was probably only because Gerard was gorgeous, and Frank's usual hookups were decent looking at best, and much older than him for the most part, so he had no chance - or even the _desire_ \- to ever pursue anything more with them besides for one night of pleasure, so that was a reasonable explanation for why Frank was basically falling head over heels for a guy he had only met five seconds ago.

And even though Frank knew he needed to move, or at least _wave_ , his brain seemed disconnected from his body, and everything else besides for Gerard had become fuzzy and unimportant.

Frank's gaze kept being drawn back to his eyes; there was something about the colorful irises that made Frank want to examine them for hours so he could pick out each individual color that was speckled throughout them. Frank was an eye man, like some people are a butt man, or a boob man - not that Frank didn't appreciate a nice butt, but Frank was a sucker for a guy with pretty eyes.

Gerard's eyes weren't just _pretty_ though, they were something else entirely, and Frank felt the need to make up a new adjective simply to describe them. They seemed so mysterious, like all the secrets of the universe were contained inside them, if you could only find the key, and Frank wanted to know it all, even if the knowledge ended up destroying him.

But there was something darker underneath the surface, something painful and hidden that even the hazy blur of alcohol couldn't eradicate completely, and just how Frank had felt a kinship with Mikey from the start, that feeling was intensified with Gerard one thousand fold, even though he hadn't spoken one word to him, but that didn't matter right now.

And even though Frank felt like time had been suspended just for his own personal gratification, it really hadn't. In reality, he had been standing in Gerard's doorway and staring at him in the most creepy manner possible for at least a minute now, but Frank liked to believe that he maintained some composure, and actually said something decently relevant, or at least _"hi"_ , even though he really hadn't even opened his mouth.

And when Frank finally snapped out of whatever weird haze the sight of Gerard had put him in, he realized that Gerard was too distracted by Mikey, who was still leaning against the wall weakly, to notice Frank's weird as fuck behavior, and he breathed a sigh of relief at that fact.

"Can you help me get him inside," Gerard spoke while motioning for Frank to help him get his brother up off the landing and into the house.

Those were the first words that Gerard spoke to Frank, and even though it wasn't anything profound - or even _memorable_ , it was to Frank.

Gerard's voice was just as gorgeous as his appearance, even though it wasn't what Frank had expected. It was slightly higher pitched then Frank had imagined it would be, but it was melodic as well, strung through with a thick Jersey accent which put Frank's to shame, even though he had lived here his whole life.

Realizing he had been zoning out again, Frank jumped slightly in embarrassment before hurrying over to Mikey's side, and between him and Gerard, they easily carried the lanky man into the house.

"Fucking hell Mikes..." Gerard was muttering under his breath, and Frank wondered if he should introduce himself, or maybe he had already done that earlier, and he just couldn't remember it.

"I'm fine Gee, I just need to sleep it off. This isn't the first time this has happened," Mikey scoffed, causing Gerard to roll his eyes obnoxiously.

"Yeah I know it isn't, but that's why you should fucking _quit_. This stuff is going to kill you!" Gerard exclaimed angrily, but he was still gentle with Mikey as he helped him walk into the living room.

" _Oh_ like you're one to talk," Mikey shot back, but his harsh words didn't seem to faze Gerard at all.

"This isn't about me, _fuck_ \- let's just get you in bed, we can talk about this later," Gerard sighed out in a tired tone of voice as he scooped Mikey up bridal style, setting down his bottle of beer on a nearby counter first, leaving Frank to stand there awkwardly by the couch with no idea what to do now. He didn't want to leave, not before he got a chance to speak with Gerard for a little bit, but this was obviously a private situation, and Frank didn't want to intrude.

"I - I'll just go...uh -" Frank stammered out, but his mouth snapped shut when Gerard turned around and graced Frank with those stunning eyes again.

"No, _please_ stay. This will only be a minute. Just make yourself at home, there is beer and stuff in the fridge. I'll be right out," Gerard offered, and Frank really couldn't say no to that, so he simply nodded in acceptance before sinking down onto the couch slowly, glad for an opportunity to rest his tired legs.

Frank had to take a moment to gather his wits, so he glanced around the apartment idly in an attempt to calm himself down. It was actually a really nice place, despite the mess that was scattered around the room. Random prices of paper littered almost every surface, and on closer inspection, Frank noticed that most of them contained half-finished sketches, or scratched out words, but the majority of them had been crumpled up and tossed aside without any effort being put into placing them in a trash can.

The coffee table was almost completely covered in empty beer bottles, and even one container of absolut vodka, and Frank hoped that it was an accumulation of a couple of days of drinking, because even with Frank's high tolerance, he would probably have kidney failure if he drank that much in one night.

There was also quite a few take out containers interspersed among the alcohol, which backed up what Mikey had said before. Gerard really must not leave his apartment unless it was absolutely necessary.

Unfortunately, observing his surroundings did nothing to soothe Frank's racing heart, and he was slightly worried he might pass out soon if he didn't calm himself down. He had no idea why he was feeling this way; it couldn't just be because of Gerard, that would be _preposterous_ , it was probably just a combination of two much exertion and alcohol, because those two didn't really mix.

That wasn't to say that Gerard wasn't part of the problem - _of course_ he was, and Frank had no idea what to do about that now that the initial feeling star struck feeling had receded slightly. Frank had a crush on Gerard, that was obvious, but just like usual, nothing could happen, because Gerard was an adult, and Frank was still technically a child, and there was no way Gerard would ever be interested in someone like him.

And even if he somehow did want to be with Frank, there was no way it could ever actually happen. Frank worked almost every evening, not to mention still attended school, and the rest of his free time was taking up by watching over his mother, which was why Frank never even considered trying to find a relationship. One night stands were all he would ever get, and Frank thought he was okay with that fact.

He could still try to hook up with Gerard though, that wasn't outside the realm of possibilities, and one night with that gorgeous man would be much better than nothing. It felt sort of strange though; Frank had been planning on sleeping with his brother only a few hours ago, and Gerard wasn't a lonely man looking for a quick fuck in a bar, so he probably wouldn't be open to the idea.

Frank's head was spinning wildly now, and he just wanted all of his confusing thoughts to shut the fuck up for a minute so he could gather his bearings and regain some semblance of the normal, in control Frank he usually was. Two cute guys shouldn't have the ability to throw his entire world into chaos, but apparently that was all it took to make Frank into a pathetic mess - not that he had been in good shape to start with tonight, but Gerard and Mikey had definitely intensified the feeling of being an absolute wreck of a person.

So Frank did the only logical thing he could think of - at least, it was _logical_ in his fucked up mind, so he went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer, because alcohol fixed everything right?

Once he had opened the bottle and brought it to his lips, Frank realized that he could hear Gerard and Mikey speaking in low tones from the next room, and even though he knew he shouldn't be eavesdropping, Frank couldn't resist listening in on the two brothers.

"Why the hell didn't you text me back? I was worried sick," Gerard's voice came through the walls, and Frank could tell he was pissed.

"I left my phone at Ray's _okay?_ I didn't do it on purpose, and I was going to head back there before this happened."

"You scared me Mikes..." Gerard's words were so soft, Frank wasn't sure if he had heard them right, so he pressed his ear against the adjoining wall, ignoring the guilty twist in his stomach as he did so.

"It sure as hell doesn't look like it," Mikey spat out coldly.

"What the _fuck_ was I supposed to do? I called Ray, and he said you took off, and I wasn't going to search the town for you."

"Whatever Gerard, I don't care anymore. Just leave me alone. Tell Frank thanks again okay," Mikey sighed out in a tired tone of voice.

"Yeah I will...what is he, your new boyfriend or something? I thought you and Ray were dating?"

"No, Ray and I just fuck sometimes, we aren't actually together, and Frank isn't my boyfriend either. I met him at a bar, and he bought me a drink, then he offered to help me home. He's really fucking sweet, so be nice to him okay? I'm just gonna sleep this off," Mikey's voice became even more muffled, and Frank could only assume that he had buried his face in a pillow.

"I'm checking up on you in an hour," Gerard warned his brother sternly.

"I'm not gonna fucking _die_ Gerard."

Frank didn't stay to listen to the rest, because he heard footsteps leaving Mikey's room, and the last thing he wanted to do was get caught being a complete creeper by the hottest guy Frank had ever seen, so he scrambled back into the living room, managing not to spill his beer in the process, and by the time Gerard emerged from the hallway he had disappeared down early, Frank was casually reclining on the couch while sipping his beer.

"Hey," Gerard waved, and it was just a simple word, and a pointless gesture, but Frank felt like he was drowning in the rush of butterflies that seemed to attack him the moment Gerard acknowledged his presence, and no matter how many times Frank told himself he was acting like a fourteen year old girl with a crush, and he needed to man up before he completely embarrassed himself in front of Gerard, that didn't stop him from feeling like his stomach was tying itself into knots, and his heart might just beat straight out of his chest if Gerard kept looking at him with that adorable smile on his face.

"Hi," Frank smiled back, and that was it - Frank had sealed his fate with that stupidly simply sentence, even though he had no idea what the fuck he had just gotten himself into.

But that is the thing about life; it doesn't come with a guidebook, and it isn't a video game that you can just turn off and return to the last saved point to try again. Frank had taken the plunge by choosing to stay in Gerard's house, and no matter how this all was going to end, it had _started_ , and there was no going back now.

If Frank had an inkling of what was to come, he never would have walked Mikey home in the first place, and his entire life would have turned out completely differently, but he did take Mikey home, and it was too late to retrace his steps and change his decision.

Fate, or destiny, or _whatever_ the fuck controlled people had its claws firmly embedded into Frank, and he couldn't escape now, even if he wanted to.


	5. X-Men And Vodka - So Basically A Perfect First Date In Frank's Opinion

Gerard glided over to the couch where Frank was awkwardly sitting with his spine completely straight, as if good posture was somehow going to make a better impression on Gerard, but it couldn't hurt - _right?_

And Frank was staring again; he knew he was, but he just couldn't help it. Gerard drew his eyes like a moth to flame, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't wrench his gaze away from Gerard.

Gerard stopped directly in front of Frank, grabbing his abandoned beer bottle before flopping down onto the couch with a sigh of contentment, turning to Frank with an unreadable expression on his face.

"So I guess this is where we do the awkward introductions, but I'm sure Mikey already told you who I am, and if he didn't - I'm Gerard. I know you are Frank, and you are _sweet_ , according to my brother that is, so now we have that out of the way," Gerard chuckled softly, and Frank felt his own lips twitching upward as well.

"Yeah, uh - he did mention you, and yes, I'm Frank - _obviously_ , and I'm not that sweet, but thanks." Frank felt his cheeks flaming scarlet, and he really hoped the dim lighting in the room was enough to keep Gerard from noticing.

"No - thank you for bringing Mikey home, _seriously_ , I can't say that enough," Gerard gushed, and that was when Frank recognized the look Gerard was giving him - it was gratitude, and the only reason Frank hadn't caught on to it before was because no one ever looked at him that way - why would they? Frank never meant anything to anyone, except maybe Pete, but to have a stranger genuinely thank him was an entirely new experience.

"I - uh, it was no problem. I just felt bad, and fuck knows there have been a few nights I have wished that someone would care enough to walk me home - you know?" Frank stammered out, surprised that he was able to form coherent words. He felt like he was choking on air every time he breathed in, as if the atmosphere had increased in density now that Gerard was in such close proximity to him, and Frank was left feeling dizzy and lightheaded.

"But that's the thing - you _did_ care, and nobody cares about strangers, not really, except you. So let me thank you, okay? I was really worried, and you kept him safe, and that means a lot to me." Gerard flashed Frank a small smile, one corner of his mouth pulling up higher than the other, and Frank actually thought he might swoon for a second, but luckily, he managed to restrain himself and maintain whatever was left of his dwindling dignity.

"Okay." Frank raised his beer to his lips with a shaky hand, just to give himself something to do. He finished it off with a few deep gulps, hoping the alcohol would take affect quickly so he could find some liquid courage to actually say something slightly interesting. His buzz from earlier was almost completely gone, the walk back to the apartment had made certain of that.

"You want another - I need to grab one anyway," Gerard asked, raising his own empty bottle up as he spoke.

"Yeah - I mean, if you are cool with that. I don't want to overstay my welcome or anything. I can totally go," Frank rambled out, because even though he wanted nothing more than to stay here with Gerard all night, he didn't want to come off as desperate, or a pity case who was only here to get as many free beers as he could.

"It's no problem Frank - _really_. You dragged my brother's sorry ass all the way home, so the least I can do is give you some beer. Plus, I was kind of lonely, and it's nice having someone else here who isn't Mikey, so _please_ \- don't leave yet." Gerard stood up and headed to the kitchen before Frank could even begin to form a response - the answer was _yes_ , of course he would stay, but Gerard seemed to assume that without needing verbal confirmation, which was just fine with Frank.

As Frank watched Gerard sway into the kitchen, he got an impressive view of his ass, and even draped in baggy sweat pants, Frank was left trying to wet his mouth with his tongue, because it had suddenly become as dry as the Sahara Desert.

Frank was actually getting sort of freaked out by his strong visceral reaction to Gerard, and he began to wonder if maybe he should take his leave after all before he ended up tearing all of Gerard's clothes off and embarrassing himself in front of the man. He probably wouldn't go _that_ far, but it didn't seem too impossible with the way Frank was feeling, and he didn't know how much longer he would be able to control himself from making some sort of move on Gerard.

Frank had never experienced such an intense attraction for anyone before, and it honestly scared him. He didn't know how to deal with this burning desire that he couldn't quench, and it was slightly terrifying, but also exhilarating. Gerard hadn't even done anything to initiate these emotions, but apparently he didn't have to, and Frank was pretty sure that if Gerard so much as causally brushed his arm in passing, he would come in his pants.

This just didn't make any sense - _yes_ , Gerard was hot, well, _stunning_ actually, but Frank had never considered himself to be overly concerned with looks. He had slept with some pretty unfortunate looking men in the past, and he had still managed to get aroused by them, so he always thought that physical appearance didn't really matter all that much, but Gerard was throwing that theory out the window just by existing.

But it wasn't simply Gerard's looks that were making Frank feel this way - it couldn't be, but he didn't know what else was contributing to his unexplained affections. He knew nothing about Gerard, except that he had a brother who used coke, and he used to be in a band, but he felt like he did know him somehow, or maybe he just _wanted_ to know him.

Whatever it was, it was driving Frank insane, but it was something different, something _new_ , and for the first time in years, Frank wasn't thinking about his father, or his pathetic life - Gerard had chased all of those thoughts out of his head with his presence alone, and that was enough to make Frank want to stick around as long as possible.

Frank didn't know what he hoped to accomplish by staying, he couldn't just throw himself at Gerard, that wasn't his style, but his social interactions were strictly limited to his hookups at the bar, so he was really out of his depth here. Plus, he wanted Gerard - _badly_ , but it was highly unlikely that Gerard felt the same way.

And Frank was just considering making up some lame excuse so he could escape this crazy mind fuck, because no matter how intriguing Gerard was, it was probably better if Frank just left and tried to forget about him. His brain was running in circles already, and it might give out on him if he spent any more time around Gerard, so even though it physically pained him to think of never seeing Gerard again, it might be beneficial for his already questionable mental health.

But when Gerard walked back into the living room with two beers clutched in one of his long fingered hands, Frank knew there was no way he could convince himself to leave now, no matter what ended up happening tonight.

"Here you go," Gerard leaned down, placing Frank's beer directly in his hand, which in turn caused their fingertips to brush ever so slightly.

Frank almost dropped his bottle at the small amount of contact, because he actually felt sparks flowing from the point where their two hands touched - _fucking sparks_ \- like this was some cheesy romantic comedy or some shit. Somehow, Frank managed to keep a straight face until Gerard pulled his hand away, and it had to just be Frank's imagination that made it seem like Gerard had lingered there for a few seconds longer than was entirely necessary.

"Is Mikey going to be okay?" Frank blurted out the first thing he could think of when he realized he had been silent for far too long, and it wasn't a bad topic. It was definitely much better than what was currently running through his head, because blurting out _"fuck me - please"_ would probably end his short acquaintanceship with Gerard, even though his reaction would be interesting to see.

"Yes - for tonight at least, but he won't be if he can't kick this shit. He's getting careless, and taking way too much, too often. I hate to think what would have happened to him if you hadn't been there..." Gerard answered with a heavy sigh, leaning back against the couch tiredly.

"I'm glad I was with him...I assumed he was just drunk at first, then I freaked out because I thought he was going to OD or something," Frank chuckled wryly, even though there was nothing funny about Mikey dying, it was more an uncomfortable laugh than anything else, and Gerard seemed to understand that.

"I just wish he would stop, even though I understand why he can't. I have my own addictions, _obviously_ , but I quit the coke at least. That shit was just too intense for me..." Gerard took a long pull at his beer bottle as if to highlight his previous mentioned problems, but Frank understood his dependence on alcohol. He would be a hypocrite if he didn't, because that was one thing they shared, and Frank empathized with him all too well.

"I've never done drugs, and I don't think I want to. Alcohol is enough for me - _well_ , most of the time it is. I guess I can see the appeal though, it would be nice to really forget about everything for a few hours."

Frank wasn't even one hundred percent sure if drugs truly made you forget, but he thought that's what they did, along with giving you a false sense of happiness - or something like that. Now that he actually considered the idea, Frank was honestly surprised that he hadn't tried some sort of substance, but it wasn't like he knew any dealers, and the risks were enough to steer him away from them.

"That's good - don't start, _ever_. They are alluring, but it's not all good. They make you someone you aren't, you can't control yourself, and when that happens, things can go wrong. I can be drunk off my ass and still aware of myself, but when I'm high...I don't even know where I am, or what's happening, and that's _fucking_ scary." Gerard ended on a whisper, and by the faraway look in his eyes - which Frank had noticed because he was staring at them, _again_ \- Frank guessed that Gerard was reliving a part of his past, and it wasn't a good memory.

"I won't, I wouldn't even know how to get them if I did. It's not like you can go to the pub and ask for some coke," Frank chuckled wryly, trying to lighten the mood with his lame attempt at humor.

"Good, I wouldn't want to see you end up like Mikey - you are too young." Gerard snapped back to himself and caught Frank's eyes with his own.

The intensity burning in his hazel irises had Frank choking back a gasp, and Gerard would have to be deaf not to hear the stifled intake of breath, but he didn't comment on it. Frank just couldn't comprehend the emotions hidden within Gerard's gaze; it was like he actually cared what happened to Frank, and it would genuinely upset him if Frank turned to drugs, but that was impossible - Frank must have simply misread his expression.

"I'm not that young," Frank scoffed, even though he really was, but he couldn't let Gerard know that, not if he wanted to have any chance of something more than conversation coming out of this evening, and he needed to say something to distract Gerard - and himself - from his strong reaction to Gerard's words.

"You are young enough, _come on_ \- you can't be more than eighteen," Gerard giggled softly, waving the hand he was holding his beer in for emphasis.

"I'm twenty-one." Frank crossed his arms over his chest, trying to appear stern and believable all at the same time. That was the age he always claimed, the one that his fake ID said he was, and so far, most people didn't seem to question it, but Gerard was not most people.

"Frank, you aren't a liar; I know you aren't, so just tell me the truth. I won't take that beer back or anything, and I really don't care, but please don't spin me the same story I am sure you have told your bartender hundreds of times." Gerard cocked one eyebrow at Frank, waiting for the truth, but that was not something Frank was going to admit to.

" _Fine_...I'm nineteen," Frank hung his head slightly so Gerard couldn't see the deception on his face, and hopefully he would drop the issue now that Frank had provided a more believable age.

For some reason, Frank's stomach churned uncomfortably, and he had to resist the urge to squirm in his seat - that might come off as suspicious. At first, Frank thought he might have drunk too much, too fast, but then he realized it was because he didn't like lying to Gerard for whatever reason.

For a second, Frank was gripped with the ridiculous idea of telling Gerard the truth, but that would ruin any chance he had with him - he would be lucky if Gerard didn't throw him out when he discovered he was underage, so he couldn't understand why the fuck he would ever want to be honest with him.

Maybe it was just the aura Gerard gave off, and the way he seemed to try and draw Frank out his self-imposed shell. Frank felt more comfortable with Gerard than he did around most people he interacted with on a daily basis, so that could explain the irrational urge for honesty - not that he was actually going to go through with it.

"Well I'm twenty-six, not that it matters - age is just a number and all that shit. It's true though, at least - I think it is. I don't believe that your mental maturity has as much to do with how many years you have been alive, but more with how you have _lived_ \- what you have experienced, you know?" Gerard smiled reassuringly at Frank as he spoke, and Frank found himself soaking in his words, and left wanting when Gerard stopped talking.

Gerard came alive in that second, and Frank caught a small glimpse of the real man behind the alcohol and exhaustion that hung around him like a second skin. A small light burned in his eyes, and Frank could tell he was passionate about this subject, and he could have listened to him ramble on for hours.

"That makes a lot of sense when you put it like that, I just never really thought of it that way. I feel much older than nineteen to be honest," Frank sighed out, draining the rest of his second beer when he finished his sentence.

Frank was slightly worried about maintaining his lie as the night progressed, but hopefully, Gerard wouldn't bring up this topic again now that it was settled, and it wasn't that difficult to remember the age he had claimed, he just had to keep his wits about him.

"You seem it - not in a bad way or anything, you don't _look_ old. It's just in your eyes. The eyes never lie, and you have ancient eyes," Gerard mumbled quietly, and Frank felt himself blushing again at the fact that Gerard had actually looked at him long enough to notice his eyes.

"Yeah...I am not surprised that I do." Frank gazed at his now empty beer bottle instead of at Gerard, wanting another, but too nervous to ask Gerard for anything else.

"You want a refill, or if you are feeling up to it, I have stronger stuff? Now that Mikey is home safe, I don't have to worry about being relatively sober," Gerard asked, almost as if he had read Frank's mind.

"Stronger would be good," Frank nodded, maybe a bit too eagerly, but Gerard didn't notice, and Frank was sort of desperate to recapture the elusive buzz that kept slipping through his fingers - beer just wasn't enough for him right now.

Gerard disappeared into the kitchen again, and Frank could hear him rummaging around in the cabinets, but he wasn't gone for more than a minute before he emerged once again with a full bottle of vodka and two glasses, as well as some cranberry juice, all balanced precariously in his arms.

Frank was grateful for Gerard's rapid return, because that meant that his mind didn't have enough time to spiral off into another tangent, and he had already been formulating all the reasons why staying here any longer was a terrible idea, but that train of thought dissipated at the mere sight of Gerard.

"Here, let me help." Frank bolted up from the couch quickly, managing to snag the two glasses which looked dangerously close to toppling over. Frank set them down on the crowded coffee table, shifting some of the other empty bottles aside to make room for Gerard to place the vodka and juice.

"Mikey was right - you are sweet," Gerard smirked once everything had made it onto the table without incident.

"I - uh..." Frank was blushing - _again_ , turning away quickly to try and avoid Gerard's gaze, which resulted in him almost tripping over the leg of the coffee table in his haste.

"Hey - stop trying to hide it, I think you are cute when you blush." Gerard grabbed Frank's arm to steady him as he stumbled, and Frank forced himself to stay still and stop panicking over nothing.

But this wasn't _nothing_ \- Gerard had said he was cute, which was basically _everything_ to Frank right now, and he was lucky that his heart hadn't exploded just from hearing those words, but it seemed on its way there with how fast it was beating.

And since when did Frank blush anyway; he was used to this game, it had happened to him more times than he could count, but Gerard made him feel innocent again, unspoiled even, and he liked it - _a lot_.

"Thanks," Frank heaved out, settling himself back down onto the couch carefully so he wouldn't end up knocking the table again. Frank didn't know if he was thanking Gerard for the compliment, or for catching him before he fell, but both situations applied to his statement, and he didn't bother clarifying.

Gerard didn't release his hold on Frank's arm until he was seated, and Frank felt strangely empty when he finally did. He missed the tingle that shot through his veins when Gerard touched him, even in an innocent way, which of course had Frank wondering how intense the sensation would grow if Gerard was grazing his naked skin, _oh fuck_ \- Frank needed to stop his imagination now before he popped a hard on.

"I didn't know if you like to mix your drinks or not, I do it sometimes, but I only have cranberry juice, so I hope that's okay," Gerard gestured to said juice, and Frank nodded to show that it was in fact perfectly fine, but his mind was still stuck a minute in the past, because Gerard had called him _cute_ , but now he was acting like he hadn't, and Frank wanted to return to that train of thought, but he couldn't think of how to do that without coming off as weird, or attention seeking.

Frank regretted not commenting on it earlier, but the moment had passed, and Frank had been too caught off guard to flirt back like he normally would. Gerard made him feel awkward and inexperienced, but not necessarily in a bad way - it was just really fucking strange.

"This is great, _perfect_ actually," Frank finally spoke up when he realized that Gerard had started talking again while he had been zoning out, something about maybe having some other types of liquor if Frank didn't like vodka, but Frank was honestly fine with anything that contained alcohol.

"Cool," Gerard smiled as he poured himself a drink, handing Frank the bottle afterward so he could make himself one as well.

"Is that X-Men?" Frank asked once he was finished preparing his drink, pointing toward the television which was paused at the moment.

"Yeah it is, it's still close to the beginning if you want to watch it with me," Gerard offered, shifting slightly on the couch, and even though he was probably just trying to find a more comfortable position, Frank couldn't help but notice how it placed him even closer to Frank, their thighs were basically touching by this point.

"I'd like that." Frank couldn't stop smiling as Gerard eagerly grabbed the remote and started up the movie.

Frank loved X-Men, and the fact that Gerard obviously enjoyed it too was just making Frank even more attracted to him. Gerard seemed perfect, and even though Frank knew he wasn't - _nobody_ was truly perfect - he couldn't help but feel privileged that he was here, in Gerard's house, watching a movie with him like they were old friends, or maybe even a couple on a casual date, instead of complete strangers that just so happened to be desperate for company.

For the first time in years, Frank felt actually happy, and everything that had been plaguing him earlier this evening fell away like petals from a dying flower. It was probably just a product of the alcohol flowing through his veins, and the fact that there was an insanely hot man sitting next to him, but whatever the reason, Frank didn't care.

He was content, and that was rare, so he was going to enjoy this while it lasted, and the fact that Gerard had so willingly accepted him into his home truly touched Frank. He wanted to voice his thoughts, he wanted to tell Gerard how much this really meant to him, but he didn't, because that might ruin the moment, and he knew he couldn't put what he was feeling isn't words, not properly.

So instead, Frank chose to stay silent, soaking up the sensation of simply being close to Gerard, and for once, Frank wasn't worrying about the hundreds of problems that he would have to face in the morning, because right now, tomorrow didn't exist, it was just him, and Gerard, and the rest of the world had been put on pause as far as Frank was concerned.


	6. Frank Iero The Gerard Watcher - Coming Soon To Animal Planet

As the movie began to play, and Frank settled back onto the couch with his drink in hand, he was halfway convinced that he had died and gone to Heaven somehow, even though he was pretty sure he would remember if he had bit the big one, but that was the only explanation for how tonight had turned out so far.

It seemed much more plausible that Frank had passed away in the last five minutes than to think that this was all real; that would explain Gerard's perfection at the very least, because someone like him could definitely make Frank a believer in angels.

Frank mentally winced as his cheesy analogy, but he couldn't seem to help himself tonight; Gerard had turned Frank into a sappy mess of emotions, and he had no idea how to deal with it, but at least he hadn't voiced any of his thoughts out loud, and as long as Gerard wasn't a mind reader, his corny commentary was safely contained inside his head.

Frank wasn't even entirely certain how he had gone from trying to find a hookup in the bar, to befriending Mikey, to ending to next to the most beautiful man he had ever seen, but he definitely wasn't complaining, no matter how unrealistic this entire situation seemed.

It wasn't like Frank couldn't remember the actual events of this evening - of course he could, and honestly, he would probably never forget them, but good things in Frank's life were few and far between, and people like Gerard shouldn't want to be around people like Frank, but he _did_ , and that made Frank's sad existence a little easier to bear.

And even though Gerard hadn't really done that much - he had simply given Frank a few drinks and let him stay over for a bit - those small gestures meant _everything_ to Frank, because kindness wasn't something that Frank was used to dealing with, and this was the last thing he had assumed would happen to him tonight, which just made it all the more special to him.

Gerard just seemed too good to be true, and Frank had been expecting to be politely asked to leave as soon as Mikey was home safe, but Gerard had welcomed Frank into his home - his _life_ , and Frank didn't deserve that, which made him even more grateful for that gift that Gerard had unknowingly given him - the gift of being _wanted_ , which meant more to Frank than any material possession he could ever receive.

You would think that Frank would have experienced situations similar to this before, and in a way, he had, but it had never meant anything to him, because he had paid for them with his body. Even though it was never actually worded that way, Frank knew it was true; a kind word and a free drink was a sign to Frank that he was being buttered up for sex, and no one had ever been sweet to Frank without wanting something more - _that_ was what made Gerard different.

Gerard just seemed like this entity of goodness, someone told about in storybooks, but never actually existing in real life, and Frank kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and Gerard to laugh in his face before telling him what a fool he had been to think that he was actually wanted here, but that was just Frank's insecurities kicking in, and he knew Gerard would have already thrown him out if this was some elaborate joke meant to hurt him.

As far as Frank could tell, Gerard's intentions were entirely innocent in nature, and that was a breath of fresh air to someone who lived the life Frank did, where every word and action was calculated to end up in someone's bed.

Frank still felt uncomfortable here though, on edge even, and it was because of Gerard's considerate nature, and his unexplained willingness to let Frank stay without expecting anything in return. People like Gerard didn't do that, people like Gerard shouldn't even look twice at Frank, and even though Frank was used to men being attracted to him, they were never anything like Gerard.

Even when Frank went home with another man, they were usually worse off than Frank, and not just appearance wise. They had nothing left, and it showed in he way they spent their earnings in the bar as their life passed them by, and even though Frank didn't have much, he did still have his youth - like Brendon had said, and he had a chance of things maybe turning around someday, and Frank was foolishly thinking that Gerard might just be that chance.

Because Gerard was young too, not as young as Frank, but still _young_ , and he could probably be out right now with someone better, doing something else, _anything_ really, but he had chosen Frank, _Frank's_ company, _Frank's_ presence, and even though Frank had given Gerard plenty of opportunities to be rid of him, he had actually wanted Frank to stay, and that made Frank feel like he meant something to someone after all.

That wasn't to say that Frank didn't understand why Gerard was desperate for some companionship, because like Frank had said before, he empathized with Gerard, and he had a feeling that they shared many of the same demons, so it wasn't that need to be with another person that had confounded him - _no_ , it was the fact that Gerard had picked Frank, because why the fuck would someone like Gerard actually think Frank was worth anything more than a passing glance?

Gerard hadn't even been that drunk when he had first laid eyes on Frank - maybe a little buzzed, but nowhere near that state of inebriation where anyone seems appealing because of the alcohol flowing through your veins, which meant that he had chosen to spend time with Frank because he really wanted to, while the men at the bar were pretty much desperate for anything with an ass that they could fuck, but Gerard hadn't even insinuated that he wanted sex - not that Frank would turn him down if he did, quite the opposite actually.

But it was the fact that Gerard had chosen to treat Frank like a person with feelings, and not just an object of pleasure that really touched Frank. He couldn't remember the last time anyone besides Pete had offered to simply watch a movie with him, but _Gerard_ had, which in turn had Frank falling pretty much head over heels for this man he barely knew, but it was too late to do anything about that now.

And Frank actually dared to hope that maybe Gerard was feeling the same way about him; he had called him _cute_ after all, and no sane person invites a stranger to stay in their home and watch movies unless they have some sort of attraction to them, and even though Gerard seemed a bit odd, Frank didn't think he was crazy.

No - he just seemed lonely, like Frank, and he wanted Frank to break that bubble of solitude, even if it was just for tonight, but _fuck_ , Frank wanted more than a few hours with Gerard, but he would take whatever he could get.

Maybe they could maintain some sort of friendship after this, or perhaps even a fuck buddy thing if the evening went where Frank hoped it did, because even with this newfound hope Frank was feeling, he knew better than to believe that someone like Gerard would actually want to be his boyfriend.

That idea was too insane to even contemplate, and Frank really needed to shut his mind off before he started getting delusions of grandeur or some shit, but _fuck_ , just imagining Gerard as his, and Frank as Gerard's had a horde of angry butterflies battering against the walls of Frank's stomach.

But no, he couldn't think that way, so Frank did his best to stop kidding himself before returning his attention to the television screen, trying his hardest to stay away from crazy thoughts of things that would never happen in a million years.

And in this moment, Frank really wished his brain did come with a power button, or _something_ , because his mind was simply cycling now, repeating the same thoughts and worries over and over, varying the wording each time as it did so, but the meaning was essentially the same, and it was getting borderline pathetic.

Frank was tired of his mind trying to make problems when, for once, there wasn't any, so he forced himself to push all of his negative thoughts down into the dark hole they typically resided in, and instead, returned his concentration to Gerard, and maybe the movie as well.

And even though Frank loved X-Men, he had seen this particular film numerous times before, so he found himself observing Gerard more than the screen, and he was pretty sure that staring at Gerard could easily become his new favorite hobby.

Gerard was just so fascinating to observe, and even though that made Frank sound like some nature specialist taking notes on a new species of animal, it was true. Frank felt like The Crocodile Hunter or some shit as he tried to use his peripheral vision to keep Gerard in focus the entire time without letting him know he was being studied - hey - maybe Frank could even get his own television show, in which he would share the wonders of Gerard with the world.

Okay, that thought was but far-fetched, and it was safe to say that Frank was already getting a little drunk, but he held to his belief that Gerard was a fascinating creature to examine. His face was so expressive, and Frank couldn't stop watching the way it changed along with the storyline of the movie; he could almost follow the plot by the way Gerard reacted to each scene.

As the movie continued, Gerard began to shift closer and closer to Frank's side of the couch, and now that Frank was sufficiently drunk once again - they had both consumed numerous cups of vodka in a relatively short amount of time - Frank wasn't overthinking everything like he had been previously, so he managed not to have a mental breakdown at Gerard's rapidly narrowing proximity, instead, he simply enjoyed it.

And if Frank thought about it, this was just like the bar, only it was someone's house, so it really wasn't, but whatever. Gerard was drunk, or at least well on his way there, and he had said he was lonely, and if Frank was good at anything, it was hooking up with inebriated men who were looking for someone to spend the night with them.

So Frank reciprocated Gerard's actions, pressing against his side slightly, and when Gerard didn't react negatively, Frank leaned more of his weight against him, inhaling deeply in satisfaction at the newfound contact.

Gerard's skin was warm, Frank could feel the pleasant heat through both of their t-shirts, and he smelled amazing, like smoke, and beer, and something else - some unique scent that was probably just sweat, but Frank liked it, which probably was a sign that Frank might be a little bit too drunk when he found the scent of an unwashed body attractive, but _fuck_ \- this was _Gerard_ , and Frank had yet to find anything he would actually consider a fault with the man.

It didn't take long for Gerard to wrap one arm around Frank's shoulder, and that was when Frank knew Gerard wanted this just as much as he did; his actions showed that, although he hadn't actually spoken the words, and the butterflies that Frank had apparently swallowed at some point in the evening made their presence known again in the form of the violent fluttering sensation in his stomach.

Frank froze up at the initial touch; he swore Gerard could hear his heart beating, it was drowning out the sounds of the movie, at least, that was how it seemed to Frank, but Gerard didn't appear to have noticed. He simple sighed happily and pulled Frank marginally closer to him, and after a minute or two, Frank felt the tension in his body slowly draining away.

Frank was tempted to make a move then, but he decided to let Gerard set the pace for tonight. Frank still wasn't entirely sure what Gerard really wanted from him, and Frank was actually pretty content just cuddling for the time being.

Warning bells should have been going off in Frank's head right then, because he didn't _cuddle_ , not even with Pete, and especially not with strangers, but Gerard was different - Frank couldn't stress that enough, and just the simple feeling of his arm around him had Frank lightheaded with joy.

Frank was just beginning to truly relax against Gerard when their game of seduction was broken by Gerard standing up abruptly with an apologetic look on his face, his sudden withdrawal shocking Frank like a bucket of cold water poured over his head unexpectedly.

For one second, Frank was terrified that Gerard was going to tell him that he had to leave, and it had been a mistake to let him stay here. Frank felt his heart sinking into his feet before Gerard even opened his mouth, but he had been trained to always expect the worse, and he knew this had all been too good to be true.

"I'm sorry, I'll be right back. I've just got to go check up on Mikey really quick." Gerard truly did look reluctant to move, but of course he had to go make sure Mikey was okay, and Frank nodded to show him that he understood, pausing the movie with the remote so Gerard wouldn't miss anything while he was gone.

Frank waited until Gerard had entered Mikey's room before letting out a sigh of relief. He had honestly forgotten about Mikey until just now, so he had been terrified that Gerard was going to make him leave, and now that he knew that wasn't the case, Frank was trying to calm down for his recent spike of anxiety.

He should of known Gerard wouldn't do that; he was obviously interested in Frank - if he was actually going to do something about that was another question entirely, but Frank had a feeling he would make a move sooner or later, and if he didn't, Frank would just have to give him a nudge in the right direction.

Frank needed to pull himself together before he attempted anything though; he was still trying to come down from the high of having Gerard's arm around him, and if such an innocent touch had produce such an extreme reaction, Frank had no idea what would happen if he attempted to kiss Gerard, and Frank couldn't afford to embarrass himself after he had made it this far without incident.

Gerard seemed nervous too though, and that made Frank feel slightly more comfortable, but also out of his depth all at the same time. His typical sexual encounters began with both parties knowing exactly what the other wanted, and there was little room for awkwardness or doubts when you were both trying to get each other naked as fast as possible,

But Frank had a feeling that Gerard didn't do this often, or maybe it had just been awhile since he had been laid, which Frank found hard to believe - Gerard was so attractive he probably got propositioned in broad daylight.

Frank had no idea about Gerard's sex life though, and he still wasn't even sure if that was what Gerard was insinuating with his actions - maybe he just really liked snuggling, but sitting here and having a mental debate about it wasn't helping things, and Frank was really getting tired with how active his brain was tonight. The alcohol should have taken effect by now, but Frank's mind still wouldn't shut up, no matter how much he drank.

Frank finished the last of his vodka quickly, hoping that maybe this would be enough to tip him over into a truly inebriated state as he strained his ears, trying to listen for Gerard's melodious voice while he waited.

Frank didn't hear any sound coming for Mikey's room though, and it couldn't have been more than a few minutes before Gerard reemerged into the living room with a tired expression on his face.

"He okay?" Frank asked as Gerard sat down again, making sure to regain his previous position pressed up against Frank's side.

"Yeah - he's fast asleep. Sorry I took so long, I just wanted to make sure his breathing was regular and all that," Gerard sighed heavily, and this time, Frank put his arm around the older man in a comforting gesture, which Gerard leaned into gratefully, much to Frank's delight.

"Don't apologize - _hell_ , I'm worried about him too, and I feel like a dick for not reminding you to check up on him sooner." Frank hung his head slightly, because it had been almost ninety minutes since Gerard had put Mikey in bed, and now he recalled Gerard saying he would check up on his brother in an hour, and Frank hadn't even thought to keep track of the time.

" _Fuck_ \- I know I already said this, but you really are sweet, and sorry, I say _sorry_ a lot, even if it doesn't really apply, but I am sorry for ditching you mid movie like that, and thanks for pausing it," Gerard rambled, and Frank couldn't get over how fucking adorable he looked when he got slightly flustered.

"No - _I'm sorry_ for distracting you and drinking all of your liquor," Frank chuckled quietly, feeling that tingling sensation again as Gerard graced him with a smile.

"You aren't a distraction - _well_ , maybe you are, but you are the best kind of distraction, and I really needed this tonight after...well everything. _Fuck_ \- I can't remember the last time I have actually watched a movie with anyone who wasn't Mikey, and even then, he's always going off somewhere lately, and I'm so glad you decided to stay...like _really_ ," Gerard trailed off awkwardly, but Frank had barely even heard him. His brain was shorting out temporarily because of the way Gerard was staring at him, as if he was the only person in the world at this moment, and he actually _mattered_.

There was lust in his gaze, _yes_ \- Frank would actually have been disappointed if there wasn't, but there was so much more to his look then just that, and Frank didn't even know how to describe what he was seeing, or the way it made him feel, because this was so much different than a regular hookup, and Frank wasn't sure what to do, or say, right now.

If this was any other guy, Gerard would be all over him, but this wasn't just anyone - this was _Gerard_ , and Frank was beginning to panic again. He wanted to lean forward and kiss him, but what if that wasn't what Gerard wanted, what if pulled away and freaked out on Frank, even though that outcome was unlikely with the way he had been snuggled up against Frank not even five minutes ago.

Gerard took the decision away from Frank though, and he did it in the best way possible, dipping down and pressing his slightly chapped lips against Frank's gently, and _holy fuck_ \- Frank was pretty sure he had just died, and it was a ghost that was sitting there kissing Gerard.

Frank was too shocked to react, the feeling of Gerard's lips moving chastely against his own was indescribable, and even though, technically speaking, this kiss was nothing special, right now, it was _everything_ to Frank, and he knew he would never forget it, no matter how many more men he kissed in the future.

The sparks Frank had known he would feel were erupting throughout his bloodstream, bursting inside of him with a fiery sharpness that intensified everything, making this simple kiss more pleasurable than some of the sex he had partaken in.

Every nerve ending in Frank's body was tingling all at once, originating from the point where their lips met, and spreading outward until Frank's entire body was filled with pleasure. Frank had never felt anything like this before, and even though the intense rush of sensations was slightly terrifying, Frank never wanted this kiss to end.

But like an idiot, Frank had been too paralyzed to actually reciprocate Gerard's actions, so after what had probably been only a few seconds, but which felt like years to Frank, Gerard pulled away with a horrified expression on his face.

"Oh my god Frank - I'm _so_ sorry, I don't know why I did that, you are just so pretty...and I thought, but that was too forward, and I totally understand if you want to go, _fuck_ \- I'm sorry."

Gerard continued to ramble on, and Frank wanted to tell him it was okay - more than okay actually, and that he had been waiting for Gerard to kiss him all night, but he was still reeling from the kiss, and his mouth didn't seem capable of forming coherent words just yet.

So Frank did the only thing he could think of, tangling his fingers in Gerard's inky black hair as he pulled his mouth back to his again, making sure to kiss him properly this time, and effectively shutting Gerard up in the process.


	7. Prepare Yourselves for Porn

If Frank thought he was in Heaven before, then kissing Gerard must be a special level reserved only for the most holy, or maybe he had descended into Hell, and it was actually much more pleasant than the Bible led everyone to believe. Gerard's lips were certainly sinful enough to belong to the devil himself; the way the moved wickedly against his own with a feverish intensity was causing Frank to go weak at the knees already.

Frank couldn't get enough of the way Gerard's lips felt against his own, and he tried to memorize this sensation so he could play it back over and over again at a later date.

It was as if Frank had been yearning for this moment to happen for _years_ , instead of hours, and even though that was ridiculous - Frank hadn't even know about Gerard's existence before tonight - Frank had been searching for someone who could make him feel this way, someone that evoked more than just plain lust when Frank laid eyes on them.

And Gerard definitely fit the bill; he had Frank experiencing so many emotions, he couldn't even begin to list them all, and the rush of relief that was flowing throughout his veins now that he was _finally_ kissing Gerard had to mean _something_.

And even if it ended up meaning nothing at all, Frank could live with that, because this kiss was hands down the best one Frank had ever received, and that was saying a lot coming from someone like Frank.

Gerard's lips were made for this, and the way he vibrated slightly against Frank when he moaned into his mouth was the hottest thing in the world; it had Frank opening up instantly so Gerard could slip his tongue just where Frank wanted it to be.

Gerard tasted like beer, and vodka, but also clean - crisp even, and underneath the alcohol and the slightly smoky flavor was an intoxicating _something_ that had Frank desperate for more, running his tongue against Gerard's eagerly in the hopes of picking up another trace of the elusive taste, which Frank couldn't place a name to - it was just _Gerard_.

Feeling bold now that all of the tension had finally led up to exactly what he was hoping for, Frank moved one of his hands from its previous position where it had been hooked in Gerard's hair to his cheek, feeling the slight scrap of stubble against his palm as he tilted Gerard's head downward so he could deepen the kiss, gasping slightly against his mouth in an attempt to draw air into his aching lungs without breaking away from Gerard's lips.

Apparently Gerard was also feeling the need to breathe though, because it wasn't long before he was pulling away from Frank, their heavy panting ringing out harshly in the still air, the movie still paused and forgotten about in the background.

Frank marveled at how perfect Gerard looked in this moment; his lips slick with spit and a deeper shade of red then the light pink tint they usually carried, his cheeks flushed and his mouth twitching upward into a bewildered smile as he chest heaved slightly.

Frank had the random urge to pull out his phone and snap a picture of Gerard like this, but that would probably be an excellent mood killer, so he refrained from his strange impulses, instead, taking a moment to hold the image in his brain where it hopefully wouldn't decay with time.

When Gerard didn't immediately say anything, Frank began to panic again now that the high of having Gerard's lips pressing against his was ebbing. Gerard didn't look upset, and he shouldn't be - he had kissed Frank _first_ after all, but when he didn't attempt to drag Frank back in for another kiss, Frank felt the overwhelming urge to apologize, even though he hadn't done anything wrong.

Frank gave Gerard another few seconds to compose himself, and maybe say something - _anything_ , but Gerard continued to sit there, looking slightly shell shocked and overwhelmed, and even though seconds earlier, Frank had been ecstatic that they had finally both made a move, all of his previous nervous thoughts were coming back full force.

Maybe Gerard hadn't really wanted this, maybe he was just so drunk that he had kissed Frank without thinking, and now that he realized what had happened, he was trying to find a way to let Frank down gently.

Frank couldn't even read Gerard's body language right now; it was a mess of confusing signals and no speech to help Frank understand what had caused Gerard's current state. He was twisting his hands in his lap, refusing to meet Frank's eyes, but that stupid grin was still on his face, and he didn't look upset, but he wasn't making any attempt to continue this either.

Frank couldn't take it if Gerard rejected him now - he would rather Gerard had tossed him out the second he walked in his door if this was going to be the end result. Frank had to do something to fix this, but _what_ \- Frank didn't even know what the problem was. Gerard had been kissing the life out of him only moments ago, and Frank had no idea why he had stopped.

"I'm sorry - I just...and _you_ -" Frank tried to stutter out something that would get a reaction out of Gerard while at the same time letting him know how badly he wanted to stay, but he never even got the chance to finish.

Gerard's eyes flicked up suddenly, and before Frank could move, Gerard had him pinned against the back of the couch, the sheer lust in his eyes making Frank's head spin and his limbs fall loosely to his side.

"Do you want this Frank - do you want _me_...because it I kiss you again, I'm not going to be able to stop," Gerard panted out, and Frank could physically see how close Gerard was to losing the last shred of self-composure he possessed - which is _exactly_ what Frank wanted to happen.

That explained why Gerard had frozen up; he has been trying to bring himself back under control, because apparently he hadn't been able to catch onto all of the signals Frank had been letting off the entire evening, and now that Frank understood what had been bothering him, all of his fears and worries disappeared, his need for Gerard rushing in to replace the spot those thoughts once held.

"Yes - _please_...I have wanted you all night," Frank answered eagerly, and as soon as Frank's words sunk into Gerard's head, he leaned down and reattached their mouths once again.

Frank could feel the difference in this kiss; Gerard wasn't holding back any longer, instead, he was plundering Frank's mouth without any hesitation, and Frank returned his actions, taking everything Gerard wanted to give him, while silently begging for _more_.

The kiss was amazing, tongues tangling and spit mingling into a mess of teeth and lips, limbs entwining together as Gerard pulled Frank even closer against him, his dominant position over Frank notching Frank's arousal to an even higher level, and unless Frank was mistaken, Gerard was definitely hard as well.

Frank was drowning, and flying, and falling, and this was all too many sensations at once, but at the same time, it wasn't _enough_. Frank needed more, but he never wanted this kiss to end, and the conflicting desires were driving Frank insane.

Frank's hips began moving of their own accord, rutting against Gerard's thigh that he had placed between Frank's legs to keep him pinned down. His stomach burned at the addition of the delicious friction coupled with Gerard's greedy mouth, and Frank couldn't help but throw his head back and moan quietly at the intense feeling, doing his best to keep his volume down for Mikey's sake.

" _Jesus Christ_..." Gerard mumbled softly before attaching his lips to Frank's neck, somehow managing to find one of Frank's sweet spots on the first try, which had Frank writhing underneath him as he proceeded to suck what would probably be an impressive hickey onto Frank's nape.

Gerard's fingers slid down Frank's ribs, pushing aside the worn leather jacket Frank had never got around to taking off so he could slip a hand underneath Frank's t-shirt, and the skin on skin contact had Frank's entire body heating up a few degrees. Gerard still hadn't stopped pressing wet kisses against Frank's neck, and Frank sure as hell wasn't going to stop him.

Gerard seemed in no hurry to move this along any faster; he was fucking taking his time splaying his fingers over Frank's hips, tracing small patterns against the protruding bone as he moved his mouth around so he could pay some attention to the other side of Frank's neck, so Frank decided to speed him up just a bit.

Wrapping his legs around Gerard's waist, Frank pressed their lower bodies together roughly, basking in the soft sounds that fell from Gerard's mouth as his hard length rubbed against Frank's.

" _Gerard_..." Frank whined, trying to convey how desperate he was with the tone of his voice.

Frank was already insanely worked up, and if Gerard didn't get inside him soon, he was going to lose it in his pants like a horny teenager...which he _technically_ was, but Frank usually had better control of his body than this, especially when he was drunk.

"Yeah?" Gerard asked, finally sitting up and giving Frank a quick break from his endless assault on his neck, but his hips continued to twitch forward slightly, almost as if Gerard didn't realize it.

"I want you to fuck me..." Frank decided to lay it out in plain words, because from what he had seen so far, Gerard didn't take a hint well, and Frank was tired of beating around the bush. He wanted - no - _needed_ Gerard inside of him now, and he wasn't embarrassed to admit to that.

"Yeah... _okay_ , let's - bedroom," Gerard stammered out, stepping off of Frank quickly, being careful to avoid the coffee table as he pulled Frank to his feet with an extended hand.

Frank had no idea how he managed to force his body to function well enough to follow after Gerard; his head was still reeling while it tried to process the fact that this was actually happening; Gerard was taken him into his room, and he was about to get fucked by the most gorgeous man he had ever seen.

Even though Frank had been _dying_ for this to happen all night, he hadn't allowed himself to actually hope for this, and now his brain was still trying to catch up with reality.

But somehow, Frank did make it into Gerard's bedroom, helped along by the insistent hand Gerard had wrapped around his wrist. As soon as the door was closed behind them, Gerard was all over Frank once again, removing his leather jacket and t-shirt with eager fingers as Frank fumbled with his belt, trying to force his numb digits to actually do something productive to help Gerard get inside him that much faster.

Finally, Frank's buckle gave way, and Frank all but ripped his jeans down, leaving his boxers on for the time being. Gerard stepped back for a moment and just stared at Frank, running the pads of his fingers lightly over Frank's newly exposed skin, spending extra time over the one tattoo that Frank possessed.

"I like this," Gerard mumbled, tracing the lines of the flame and the word _"hope"_ which rested just above Frank's left nipple.

Frank had gotten it on a whim when one of his coworkers had mentioned that his friend was a tattoo artist, and he wouldn't mind hooking Frank up - no matter his age. Frank wasn't sure why he had chosen the exact design he had ended up going with; he had hundreds of other ideas he wanted marked onto his body eventually, but this one had seemed appropriate for his current situation, and Frank was proud of the small tattoo.

"Thanks...I want more, but money - _you know?"_ Frank panted out, eager for Gerard to finish his observation of his body and return to other things, preferable the specific _thing_ that was causing a major tent in his boxers at the moment.

"I have always wanted tattoos, but needles freak me out."

"You don't have any?" Frank asked, using the excuse to pull Gerard's shirt off his body so he could rake his eyes over the pale, unmarked skin. Frank was slightly surprised by the fact that Gerard didn't even have one tattoo; for some reason, he had pegged him as the sort of person that would, but Frank liked the way he looked without them, bare and clean, just waiting to be marked up by Frank's mouth.

"Nope," Gerard answered in a distracted tone of his voice, his fingers trailing lower before hooking in the waistband of Frank's boxers, and all thoughts of tattoos flew out of Frank's head as Gerard slowly tugged the last article of clothing down to his ankles.

" _Fuck_ Frank..." Gerard gasped out, gazing at Frank's cock appreciatively with hungry eyes.

"Your turn," Frank demanded, slightly embarrassed with having this much attention on him, not to mention he was eager to see Gerard's dick with his own eyes.

"Nuh-uh," Gerard grabbed Frank's hand when he tried to reach for his sweatpants, instead, pulling him toward the bed insistently.

Before Frank could even think about protesting, Gerard had flung him against the mattress, covering Frank's body with his own so he had no chance of escape, not that he would think of trying.

"Last chance Frank...do you still want this?" Gerard heaved out, and Frank could see how much effort it was taken him to ask.

" _Please_..." Frank begged, spreading his legs slightly to show Gerard how certain he was.

" _God_ \- you are so perfect..." Gerard whispered softly, so softly that Frank wasn't sure if he had heard him correctly, but he was too caught up in lust to bother asking Gerard to clarify.

"Are you going to fuck me now?" Frank asked instead, staring up at Gerard with eyes that he was sure were needy and full of desperation.

" _Yeah_ \- just let me..." Gerard leaned over to a small dresser sitting beside his bed, throwing open one of the drawers before pulling something out and setting it down next to him. Frank couldn't quite see the objects, but he had done this enough to know that it was a condom and lube.

Frank expected to Gerard to prep him straight away and get to it - that was how most his one night stands went after all, but once Gerard was done retrieving the items, he still didn't seem in any rush, licking his way into Frank's mouth slowly as if he couldn't feel Frank's hard cock pressing against his stomach insistently.

Frank melted into the kiss though, because he was quickly discovering that Gerard's kisses were irresistible, and Frank could probably come like this if Gerard kept pressing against him at this angle.

Frank's dick twitched as Gerard kept up the actions with his tongue, exploring Frank's mouth like it was the most interesting thing in the world, and even though Frank was practically light headed with how good this felt, he had to move Gerard along before this ended insanely prematurely.

"Gerard... _I need_ -" Frank managed to choke out, breaking away from the kiss so he could tug at Gerard's pants determinedly. Gerard's erection was making an impressive tent in the lose material, and Frank had no idea how he could stay so composed when he was sporting _massive_ fucking wood.

" _God_ \- you are desperate...you _need_ this, don't you?" Gerard growled, pinning Frank's hands against the mattress stubbornly.

"No shit!" Frank whined, struggling weakly against Gerard's tight hold on him, even though he had to admit, he really liked the way Gerard was taking control.

It was as if Gerard had become an entirely different person when he entered the bedroom; all of his previous hesitance was erased, replaced by a more dominate nature, and Frank was definitely into this change, even though he didn't know how much longer he could wait for Gerard to actually touch him.

"I think you need to learn some patience," Gerard teased, at least, Frank _really_ hoped he was teasing, because Frank was all for drawing things out, but not tonight, not when he was two minutes away from blowing his load already.

" _Please_ \- I just - I _need_...I'm _so_ hard," Frank choked out, because Gerard had started palming his dick slowly - _oh so slowly_ , but that simply touch was enough to have Frank writhing against the bed sheets and struggling for air, because apparently his lungs had collapsed in the last thirty seconds, at least, that was what it felt like to Frank.

"You are close already - _aren't you?"_ Gerard asked, a hint of awe crossing over his face, and Frank knew he should have felt embarrassed, but he was too turned on to care by this point.

"Yeah - been hard for you all night... _please_ \- just fuck me."

" _Fuck_ \- okay...but only because you asked so nicely," Gerard smirked, _fucking smirked_ , and Frank may have been infatuated with Gerard before, but his bedroom persona was blowing his mind, and Frank was pretty sure he would legitimately get down on his knees and beg for Gerard's cock if he wanted him to.

When Frank heard the familiar snick of a cap being opened, he spread his legs as wide as they could go with Gerard still on top of him, and Gerard's lips turned up in a smile when he noticed.

" _God_ Frank...you are so perfect - so _needy_ \- I can't wait to fuck you..." Frank's breath caught in his throat when he heard that word again - _perfect_ \- no one had ever called him that before. 

Frank didn't get any more time to ponder the implications of what that might mean though, because Gerard was continuing to mutter obscene compliments as he pressed one finger inside of Frank, and yes - _finally_ \- there was the stretch and burn Frank craved, but it wasn't enough, not _nearly_ enough, and Gerard had barely gotten his finger all the way in before Frank was shoving down onto his hand roughly.

" _More_ \- I can take it," Frank demanded, but he snapped his mouth shut when Gerard shot him a warning look.

"What did I say about patience Frank?" Gerard reprimanded him.

"I'm sorry...it's just not _enough_ ," Frank whined, trying to take more of Gerard's finger as he spoke.

"Not enough - _huh?"_ Gerard hissed out, but he gave Frank what he wanted, adding two more fingers at once, making Frank feel that much more full, and _fuck_ \- it was so much better.

" _Ah_..." Frank cried out when Gerard crooked his fingers up at an angle, brushing his prostate just enough to have Frank quavering at the sudden rush of sensations.

Gerard grinned when he realized what had happened, making certain to continue massaging the spot as he scissored his digits widely, fingering Frank for much longer than any of his usual hookups bothered with.

"Gerard - _fuck_ , I'm close - you gotta stop," Frank gasped out after a few minutes had passed. Frank appreciated the extra attention, but tonight it was just too much, and he was two seconds away from ripping off Gerard's pants and throwing himself onto his dick.

Thankfully, Gerard removed all of his fingers at once, leaving Frank to groan softly at the sudden emptiness. When Gerard finally removed his sweat pants, Frank actually gasped out loud at the sight of Gerard's cock springing free, slapping against his stomach obscenely as he tore open the condom package with his teeth.

" _Holy fuck_ \- you are big..." Frank's eyes widened as he looked Gerard up and down. His cock was hard, leaking precome heavily, and not only was it long, but it was _thick_ too, probably the biggest cock Frank has ever seen in real life, and he couldn't wait to feel that inside him.

"Yeah..." Gerard chuckled nervously, losing his confident aura for one second as Frank basically devoured him with his eyes. Gerard looked nervous, as if he was worried that Frank was going to back out now that he had seen his size, but that was not even remotely close to what Frank was thinking.

" _God_ \- I want to sit on your dick," Frank stated, and the groan he received from Gerard as he quickly rolled on the condom sounded like an affirmation to Frank.

"Yeah - _fuck_ yeah..." Gerard finally managed to choke out, and the expression of pure want on his face had Frank's chest swelling with pride. It wasn't every day that Frank had someone look at him like that, and the fact that it was _Gerard_ made it even more meaningful.

Too impatient to wait for Gerard any longer, Frank grabbed the lube before Gerard could, spreading some onto his palm before leaning up so he could coat Gerard's dick with the slippery substance. He could feel Gerard's cock jumping under his touch, and Frank almost felt cheated that he hadn't gotten more time to appreciate Gerard's cock, or the rest of his body for that matter.

Frank wanted to make this last; he wanted to cover Gerard in hickeys, he wanted to suck Gerard off - feel his dick in his mouth, _fucking_ choke on it, but he was too impatient to suggest that right now, and maybe they could work themselves up for a round two later, but Frank had to get on Gerard immediately.

" _Fuck me,_ " Frank begged again, pulling himself out from under Gerard so he could lift himself up over Gerard's leaking cock.

"Go slow - I'm close too..." Gerard choked out when Frank had sunk down just enough so that Gerard's head was resting right at his entrance. Frank couldn't hide his small smile at Gerard's words, because he had barely even touched Gerard, and he already looked fucking wrecked, which made Frank feel sexy, _powerful_ even, and he loved the fact that Gerard was as into this as he was.

"Okay - _shit_..." Frank groaned loudly, pushing down on Gerard's cock as Gerard grabbed himself by the base to hold his dick still for Frank.

Frank didn't even need Gerard's warning to go slow, it was a necessity with how big Gerard was. Every inch he gained inside of Frank was hard fought, Frank's body reluctantly opening up around Gerard as he slid himself lower inch by inch.

 _Finally_ \- Frank bottomed out, resting in Gerard's lap as he tried to control the shaking of his limbs. He could feel Gerard in every one of his nerve endings, and the stretch was _intense_ , borderline painful actually, but it was so _fucking_ good all at the same time.

" _Holy fuck_..." Frank groaned out when Gerard's hips twitched slightly, sending jolts of pleasure flooding throughout Frank's entire body.

Frank could tell that Gerard was trying his hardest to stay still; his fingers were digging into Frank's hipbones so deeply that Frank was sure he would carry bruises in the morning, and the rapid speed of his breathing gave away how close Gerard was to losing it completely and just fucking into Frank with everything he had.

"Frank - you gotta - _gotta_ move... _fuck_ ," Gerard moaned loudly, probably much too loudly with Mikey in the next room, but Frank wasn't going to bother with trying to quiet him. It was taking everything he had to keep _himself_ mostly silent, and Frank knew he was fighting a losing battle.

"Okay - just - _wait_..." Frank shifted slightly, trying to get used to the intrusion that was Gerard's dick, but that small change in angle had Gerard's cock pressing directly against Frank's prostate, and the keening noise that emitted from his throat surprised even Frank.

"Can't wait - _fuck_ \- you are so tight Frank...feels so _fucking_ good," Gerard choked out, his hips hitching upward again in an involuntary movement that Gerard didn't seem to be able to control.

" _Shit_..." Frank groaned out, lifting up slightly so he could start riding Gerard properly. Even though he wasn't completely adjusted yet, the stinging burn actually heightened Frank's pleasure; every slight movement had Frank coiling even tighter, and he knew this wasn't going to last long at all.

" _Jesus fuck_ -" Gerard hissed, lifting his hips to meet Frank's downward thrusts, abusing Frank's prostate in the best way possible as Frank continued to move up and down quickly.

Frank was moaning constantly now, too lost in the pleasure he was feeling to control himself. Gerard's dick just felt too _fucking_ good, and Frank was strung so tightly, he probably only had seconds before he snapped.

"Gerard - _I can't_ \- I'm gonna come..." Frank moaned out, his rhythm faltering as his entire body began to shake violently. Pressing down onto Gerard's cock as hard as he could, Frank basically screamed at the invasive sensation; Gerard was so deep inside him, Frank could feel him _everywhere_ , and even though it was way too soon, Frank wasn't sure if he could hold off any longer.

And before he could even try to push his approaching orgasm back, Frank was coming, spurting all over his stomach and Gerard's chest as Gerard continued to snap his hips up into Frank, fucking him through his release.

Frank was honestly surprised at how fast he had lost it; even though he had been on edge all night, Frank couldn't remember the last time he had came without being touched, especially not when he was drunk, but this was sex with  _Gerard_ after all, and Frank was too busy experiencing the best orgasm of his life to ponder the strange occurrence thoroughly.

"Frank - _fuck_...I need to -" Gerard couldn't even finish his sentence; instead, he grabbed Frank by the waist, throwing him down onto the mattress so hard that Frank actually bounced slightly in the air.

Frank whined loudly at the sudden loss of Gerard's cock, but he didn't have to wait long before Gerard was pushing his way back inside him, groaning in satisfaction once his hips were pressed against Frank once again.

Frank was exhausted and oversensitive, but he still moaned softly at the pleasant aftershocks that were wracking his body as Gerard fucked him hard and fast. It wasn't long before Gerard's rhythm faltered, and Frank could feel his dick pulsing wildly inside him as he emptied himself into the condom, a deep moan vibrating out of Gerard's chest as he came.

Frank whimpered quietly when Gerard pulled out, too exhausted to even attempt to move and clean up the mess he had made all over himself. Frank could hear Gerard's feet padding across the soft carpet, but he was too blissed out to open his eyes, and he assumed Gerard was disposing of the condom.

So when Frank felt a wet towel running across his stomach, he squeaked in surprised, jerking away from the unexpected contact. Frank forced his bleary eyes to open, and even though he knew it would be Gerard who was doing this, he was still shocked to see Gerard cleaning him gently in a way that Frank had never experienced before.

"Hey..." Frank giggled quietly, still feeling slap happy from what was probably the most intense orgasm he had ever had.

"Hi," Gerard cheeks tinged red when he met Frank's gaze, and Frank was amazed at how quickly he could go from the totally confident person he was in the bedroom to the guy who blushed at a simple sentence.

"That was amazing..." Frank mumbled once Gerard was finished wiping him off, forcing himself to sit up so he could locate his clothes.

"I didn't hurt you - did I?" Gerard asked in a concerned tone of voice.

"If by hurt me, you mean gave me the best fuck of my life - then _yes_ ," Frank chuckled as he pulled on his shirt and boxer shorts, wincing slightly at the tenderness in his ass. He might be sore tomorrow, but Gerard hadn't done anything wrong, Frank just wasn't used to his size.

The fact that Gerard had actually cared enough to ask about Frank's wellbeing made Frank want to lean over and kiss him again, but Frank didn't, because he wasn't sure if Gerard would take well to that.

 _Yes_ \- they had just had sex, but kissing afterward wasn't something that Frank made a habit of, and he was pretty sure Gerard would be expecting him to take off any minute now. Even though Frank didn't want to go, he knew how these things worked, so he tugged on his jeans quickly, trying to figure out where the hell his shoes had ended up.

"Hey - you aren't leaving...are you? I mean you can - if you want, but we didn't finish the movie yet, and I was sort of hoping you would stay the night..."

Frank's head snapped up at Gerard's words, and for one second, he wasn't entirely sure that Gerard was talking to him, even though there was no one else here, so _of course_ he was speaking to Frank.

"You...you _want_ me to stay?" Frank asked nervously.

"Well - _yeah_. I'm not one of those guys that kick people out just because I got what I wanted. Honesty - I didn't even plan on that happening, not that I regret it or anything - not at all, but I want you to stay. I _like_ you Frank."

When Frank found the courage to glance at Gerard's face, he saw nothing but honesty painting his features, and even though Frank still had no idea how in the hell someone like Gerard could actually see something in someone like Frank, he was too happy and content to argue it for now.

"Yeah - okay...I'll stay, and I like you too," Frank admitted, and even though he could feel his cheeks heating up, he didn't turn his head away this time.

"Thank you," Gerard smiled, quickly pulling on some clothes before grabbing Frank's hand in a tight grip, as if he was worried that Frank would slip away when he wasn't looking.

"No - _thank you_ ," Frank whispered.

And as Frank snuggled back up against Gerard's side with X-Men once again playing in the background, Frank knew he was fucked, _truly_ fucked, because he may have only known Gerard for one day, but he was already falling for him - falling _hard_ , and Frank couldn't stop his descent, even if he wanted to.


	8. Warning - Cuddling With Frank Iero May Be Detrimental To Your Balls Health

Frank couldn't remember the last time he had fallen asleep without a struggle, because as tired as Frank usually was after work, and taking care of his mother, and _life_ in general, the peaceful oblivion of slumber was something that eluded him more often than not.

Frank would come home with aching limbs and a heavy heart, yearning for his soft sheets and nothing else, but as soon as his head hit the pillow, Frank's body would somehow rejuvenate itself, or maybe it was his mind, but whatever the case, Frank always found himself lying there for hours before his eyes finally closed and he managed to get some rest.

The entire process seemed ridiculously unfair to Frank, because no matter how drained or worn out he had been during the day, at night, his brain came alive, almost as if it was playing a cruel joke on poor Frank, and it enjoyed watching him toss and turn in a desperate attempt to find a position that would lull him to sleep that much quicker.

And even when Frank's body finally shut down, it didn't stay that way for long, _of course_ it didn't. It wasn't unusual for Frank to be awoken three or four times within an hour for no apparent reason, and sleeping through the night was something that hasn't happened to Frank for years - before _today_ that is.

Because when Frank opened his eyes, he realized he couldn't even recall falling asleep, but he had definitely been in a deep slumber, _actually_ , it might have been the best night of rest he had gotten in ages, and Frank felt more alive than he had in _fuck_ knows how long.

And when Frank remembered where he was, or more importantly - _who_ he was with, he had a nagging suspicion that his peaceful state had been brought on by the warm body that was pressed against his side, and the soft arms that were currently wrapped around his waist.

Flashbacks from last night began to dance across Frank's mind; meeting Gerard, sleeping with Gerard, staying over afterwards, and _then_...Frank must have fallen asleep while they had been watching X-Men, because even though he was drunk, Frank was certain he would have remembered crawling into bed with Gerard, he had no problem recalling the rest of the evening after all.

But somehow, Frank had ended up here, and even though Frank didn't stay the night with his hook ups - ever, and he definitely didn't cuddle with them, Gerard wasn't just a fling - he was _different_ , he was _special_ , and although Frank hadn't been planning on actually falling asleep with him, he would be lying if he said he wasn't enjoying this.

The last time Frank had woken up with someone else's arms around him had been when he had slept over at Pete's, and he hadn't been thrilled to find his best friend's limbs tangled up with his own when he finally opened his eyes, resulting in Frank _"accidentally"_ kneeing Pete in the balls, and that was the extent of Frank's cuddling experience.

But this - this was _something else_ , and even though Frank felt slightly uncomfortable being this intimate with someone, because _yes_ \- this was much more intimate then sex, to Frank at least - he didn't want this to end, not _ever_. Gerard seemed like he was made to fit with Frank, his arms bracketing his hips effortlessly, Frank's head slipping into the space between Gerard's neck and shoulder as if the spot was designated just for him, and Frank couldn't help the content sigh that escaped his lips when Gerard snuggled slightly closer to him.

Their position should have been awkward, or uncomfortable, but it wasn't, it was _perfect_ , and Frank was almost too afraid to breathe, as if even the small movement of his chest would shatter this moment. Frank wanted to fall back asleep, because he had never felt more peaceful then he did right now, but that would mean missing out on an opportunity to observe Gerard without his knowledge, and staring at Gerard was much more fascinating than sleep, it trumped everything actually.

Frank risked moving his head slightly, but only so he could get a better angle to watch Gerard as he continued to sleep peaceful. Frank's small shift in position didn't disturb him in the slightest, not even when Frank sat up, shifting the sheets back over Gerard's body because apparently Frank had been hogging the majority of them while he slept.

Gerard looked _beautiful_ ; his dark hair spread out across the sheets like an elaborate ink stain, his face still and unlined, and Frank had the intense urge to lean over and kiss him, but he wasn't sure if that was allowed, or even what this was, and as much as Frank wanted something - _anything_ with Gerard, waking up next to someone else was scarier than he had anticipated it would be.

Frank was conflicted, and confused, and slightly terrified all at the same time; last night had been everything he could have hoped for and more, and Gerard seemed like someone he had conjured up out of his wildest fantasies, but _why_ \- why had this all happened? Frank didn't want to constantly doubt whatever this was, but years of distrusting everyone had been deeply ingrained into his mind, and he couldn't help being wary of this entire situation.

Frank just couldn't understand why Gerard had wanted him, why he had asked him to stay over, and now that Frank's liver had filtered out most of the alcohol in his system, he was beginning to second guess everything once again, because that was just how his brain worked, and Frank didn't know how to stop it from coloring everything that had occurred last night with a tint of suspicion.

Gerard was a mystery to Frank; an unsolvable puzzle that got even more confusing with each piece that clicked into place. Frank had deduced that he was obviously kindhearted, not to mention lonely, but he still was clueless about what Gerard actually wanted from Frank.

Gerard had said that he hadn't planned on having sex with Frank, but it had happened, and he obviously wanted it almost as much as Frank had, but what were they _now?_ Maybe Gerard treated all of his one-night stands so well, and after he awoke, he would except Frank to take his leave, and that would be it, or maybe Frank should already be gone by now.

Frank didn't know what to do, because his heart was telling him to lie back down and enjoy the feeling of Gerard's breath tickling his neck, but his head was screaming at him that this wasn't right, this wasn't his routine, and now that Frank had been thrown out of his comfort zone, he was unsure of what was expected of him in this situation.

But Gerard had said he liked him, and that had to mean something - _right?_ Frank wanted it to, and not only that, he wanted this to happen again, but he didn't want to scare Gerard off by being too forward. Maybe he should just leave a note with his number on the counter, that way Gerard could make the next move.

But before Frank could take any action, a soft buzzing sound broke through the relative silence, and when Frank felt an echoing vibration in his pocket, he realized it was his phone, which was still in the jeans that he had apparently slept in.

Moving slowly so he wouldn't jostle Gerard, Frank tugged the device free from the constricting denim, and when the screen showed him ten missed texts and two missed calls, Frank barely managed to suppress his groan of frustration.

Frank had been too caught up in Gerard last night to even think about informing anyone that he wouldn't be coming home, and it hadn't even crossed his mind that his mother would be worried until just now. If Frank was lucky, she would be in one of those states were she forgot the fact that Frank existed, but by the obscene amount of messages, he highly doubted that was the case.

Frank winced as he read through the numerous texts from his mother, starting out with a request for him to get milk if he was out, leading up to the last one that was sent about thirty minutes ago which demanded to know his whereabouts. Frank also had a text from Pete, and when he clicked over to that conversation, he was reminded why Pete was his best friend.

_"Dude your mom had been psycho calling me. I told her you slept over at my place and you were still knocked out, but you better phone her soon before she ends up coming over."_

Frank hadn't gotten any new messages since Pete's, which hopefully meant that Pete's lie had mollified his mother's curiosity, and now Frank had a believable story to use, because there was no way in hell he would ever be able to tell his mother the truth.

Texting back both Pete and his mother quickly, Frank glanced over at Gerard as he fingers danced across his phone screen. Frank had to leave soon before his mother became suspicious, but _fuck_ \- he wanted to stay right here for the rest of his life.

Frank debated on waking Gerard, but he couldn't bring himself to do it; Gerard looked so relaxed, and Frank could tell he needed the sleep, even now, he still had dark bags under his eyes, and Frank had the nagging suspicion that Gerard struggled with falling asleep just like Frank did, but he had no facts to back that up, just assumptions concocted by his mind which was desperately trying to make a connection between Frank and Gerard when there was in all actuality _nothing_ there.

But what if there was - Frank felt like there _was_ ; he couldn't explain why he was drawn to Gerard like a fly to honey, but the attraction he felt toward him was surreal, and there was no denying that. Gerard made Frank want so much more than just sex; he yearned for the pointless cuddles, and late nights spent talking about absolutely nothing, and the soft kisses exchanged for no other reason than because they could.

Frank hadn't wanted that with anyone - _ever_ , even though Frank did yearn for a boyfriend, or at least, someone to care about more than just his asshole, but Gerard was the only one who made those faint wishes coalesce into something heavy, something that weighed on Frank's heart every time he looked at Gerard.

And even though this didn't make sense, and it was stupid, because Frank didn't know Gerard, not _really_ , and he had no right thinking about a relationship with a man who was so obviously out of his league, that didn't stop Frank from dreaming.

He could actually picture a life with Gerard, and even though it would never work, not with how much Frank had on his plate already, and how many lies he would have to keep track of, Frank couldn't help but think that if anyone was worth the trouble, it would be _Gerard_.

And maybe Gerard would be willing to overlook all of Frank's faults, maybe he would be willing to give Frank a chance, maybe he would actually understand Frank like no one else did, maybe he would be able to look past everything that Frank couldn't, maybe he could actually _love_ him one day.

So with that positive thought ringing in his head, Frank snuck out of bed, wincing slightly from the pain in his ass as he retrieved his shoes before retreating into the living room to tug them on. Frank had decided to leave his number for Gerard, and maybe even a note saying how much he wanted to do this again, because he didn't have the courage to say any of what he was thinking to Gerard's face - not yet anyway, but he wanted him to know that this hadn't been a one-time thing for Frank, and a letter seemed better then waking him up and pouring his heart out to him.

Snagging a mostly blank piece of paper from the floor which was littered in them, Frank scrawled out a quick message, trying to say everything he was feeling in as few words as possible, and hopefully, Gerard would feel the same way. Signing it with his number and his trademark _xoFrnk_ , Frank tiptoed back into Gerard's bedroom, wanting to leave the note on the pillow beside him so he wouldn't think Frank had abandoned him, if he even _cared_ when he was sober that is.

Frank spent a little bit too long staring at Gerard's slumbering form after he had placed the note, and even though he knew he should have been on his way home ten minutes ago, he couldn't help but drink in every last one of Gerard's features, just in case he never saw him again, just in case this really had been only a one-night stand, and Gerard tossed Frank's number into the garbage when he saw it.

Frank fucked up though, because like the clumsy idiot he was, he managed to smash his hip against the side of the large dresser in the corner of Gerard's room, causing it to bang against the wall with a loud thump, and of course Gerard's eyes snapped opened, the hazel irises darting to Frank's frozen form immediately.

"You're leaving..." Gerard croaked out, his voice hoarse and clogged with sleep, but Frank didn't miss the desolate tone it carried, and Frank instantly felt guilty for being the cause of Gerard's distress.

"Yeah - uh...my mom needs my help with something. I promised her I would stop by this morning, and I totally forgot about it until just now," Frank stammered out, not wanting to admit that he actually still lived with his mother, because that would make him appear young, and Gerard had already caught him in a lie about his age once before.

" _Oh_...you don't have to make up a story to make me feel better - it's okay," Gerard sighed, staring down at his lap intently.

"Gerard... _no_ , that's not what I'm trying to do. Look - I even left you a note, see - it's right over there." Frank gestured to the piece of paper that was sitting innocently on the empty pillow next to Gerard, and when Gerard turned his head to look at it, Frank was stunned by the expression on his face.

Gerard looked upset - more than upset actually, he appeared almost... _broken_ , as if Frank's attempt at departure had actually hurt him, and everything that Frank had thought he knew went up in smoke all because of Gerard's stupid sad eyes. Maybe Gerard cared just as much as Frank, maybe, for _once_ , Frank wasn't conjuring up signs and feelings that didn't exist, and maybe Gerard really _did_ like Frank.

"Why didn't you just wake me up?" Gerard asked as his eyes scanned the words of Frank's note rapidly.

"I - uh...you looked, I mean, I didn't want to disturb you." Frank had to resist the urge to face palm himself, because he had been about to say _"you looked so beautiful"_ , and that would have been mortifying to say the least.

"I wouldn't have minded," Gerard mumbled softly.

"I'm sorry - I will remember that for next time...if there is a next time," Frank braced himself for Gerard's rejection, but he had to know before he left; now that Gerard was awake, Frank wouldn't be able to leave until he figured out if there was something here after all, or if he was just making everything up.

"I would like there to be a next time," Gerard's lips twitched up in a grin, one side rising slightly higher than the other in a way that Frank could only describe as adorable.

" _Well_...you have my number," Frank returned Gerard's smile as the family of butterflies he was raising in his stomach woke up and took notice of what was happening.

"Are you sure you can't stay for a bit, I can make you coffee, or breakfast - well _actually_ , I don't think there is much food in the house, but I could take you out." Gerard stepped out of bed quickly, and the grace with which he executed that simple motion had Frank staring again.

"I wish I could - _fuck_...I really do, but I can't...not right now." Frank's stomach twisted violently as he turned Gerard down, and the words literally burned as he forced them out of his mouth, because he wanted nothing more than to spend the entire day with Gerard, and he felt guilty for putting him off, but he couldn't tell his mother he was with Pete for much longer without her starting to get suspicious; Frank never ignored her for so long when he was at Pete's, and she would know something was up.

"Okay - I'm sorry, you should go help your mom...I'll just walk you out." Frank chuckled slightly at Gerard's insistence to escort him to the front door, which was all of ten feet away, but the fact that he wanted to do this little thing made Frank swoon internally, because Gerard _wanted_ to be around him, even if it was only for a few more seconds.

"So...did you carry me into your bed last night?" Frank asked while he followed Gerard out of his bedroom.

"Oh...uh _yeah_ \- you fell asleep on the couch, and I have slept on it enough nights to know that it isn't a good bed, so I thought you would be more comfortable in my room. I'm sorry if that was too forward...or whatever -" Gerard giggled nervously as he turned around to gauge Frank's reaction, and Frank had to hold back a chuckle of his own.

"It was nice - _really_ nice actually, so thanks." Frank paused in front of the door, leaning back on his heels slightly as Gerard came to a stop next to him.

" _No_ \- thank you for staying. Last night was...amazing, and I know how we met was weird and all, but I _really_ do like you, and I hope the phone number you gave me isn't fake, because I really want to see you again, and...thanks." Gerard blushed lightly, a pale red color dusting his cheeks as he stared down at Frank with earnest eyes, and _fuck_ \- Frank felt the speed with which he was falling for Gerard increase a few notches, and all of his fears and worries were stripped away when Gerard look at him like that.

"It's not fake - the _number_ I mean, I promise, and I like you too, and I feel weird, and confused, but I know I like you - _really_ like you, and I want to see you again too, like _tomorrow_ ," Frank trailed off when he realized he might have said a bit too much, but Gerard simply smiled down at Frank, leaning slightly closer to him so that their noses were almost touching.

"So see you tomorrow then?" Gerard smirked slightly, and Frank was going cross eyed trying to keep Gerard's face in his line of vision, but he didn't want to move away, if anything he wanted to move _forward_ , he wanted to press his lips against Gerard's and feel the sparks that only Gerard could ignite in his blood stream.

"Yeah..." Frank whispered, trying not to shiver as he felt Gerard's breath ghosting against his skin every time he exhaled.

Then Gerard moved, just a little bit, just a minute tilt of the head, and a flutter of his eyes, but it was enough to encourage Frank to close the few inches that separated them, and then they were kissing, and Frank was leaning against the door to keep his knees from buckling under him.

It was short, and sweet, but _fuck_ \- it was intense as well, and Frank actually whimpered slightly when Gerard pulled away, much to his embarrassment.

"You should probably go before I drag you back into bed again," Gerard laughed breathily, and Frank couldn't tell if he was joking or not, but as much as he wanted to waste away the rest of the morning with Gerard, he couldn't, not yet, but if Gerard kept to his word, he would be seeing him soon, and Frank could wait until tomorrow - _right?_

"Okay - yeah...bye," Frank stuttered out, running a hand through his hair as Gerard unlocked the front door and pulled it open.

" _Bye_..." Gerard whispered, pressing a soft kiss against Frank's cheek before he walked out the door, and it took all the self-control Frank possessed to keep moving, because all he wanted to do was drag Gerard's mouth back to his and kiss him until he passed out from lack of air.

But the door was already closed, and Frank had to get home, and he would see Gerard tomorrow - hopefully... _maybe_. Frank was still afraid to place his faith in Gerard, because even though he had done nothing besides for show Frank he wanted him, Frank still felt like this was a dream, and he wasn't sure what it was going to take for him to wake up and realize that this was real life, and Gerard wasn't fucking with him.

The text he received barely two minutes later helped though, it helped a _hell_ of a lot, because it was from Gerard, and even though Frank was in a hurry to be home, he couldn't help but pause and read the message over a few times, just to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.

But they _weren't_ , and this was happening; Gerard was interested in Frank, and now that the fact was _finally_ beginning to sink in, Frank felt a sluggish tendril of warmth slowly spreading from this fingers - which were still clutching his phone - to the rest of his body, and he reread the text one more time just to solidify the giddy sensation.

The line of text on his phone screen was proof, _actual_ proof that there was something there between him and Gerard, and Frank wasn't just imagining it, and even his self-destructive mind couldn't ruin this for him, not this time.

_"I really hope this is Frank, because if it is, I just want to say you look really cute in the morning."_


	9. MCR Feels And Mikey Talking About Gerard's Dick

Gerard sunk down with his back pressed against the door to his apartment as a soft sigh escaped his throat without his permission, and even though he was fully aware that he was acting like a teenage girl that had just received her fist kiss, he didn't really give a shit, it wasn't like anyone could see him anyway.

Touching the pads of his fingers against his lips that only seconds ago had been pressed against Frank's in a scorching kiss, Gerard smiled to himself as he replayed the sensation in his head, trying to remember exactly how Frank's mouth had felt against his own, and the soft sounds he had made while Gerard plundered his mouth.

 _Frank_...even just thinking his name had Gerard's cheeks heating up and his heart fluttering in his chest like a caged bird that ached to spread its wings and fly, which was a fitting analogy for Gerard's situation, because until last night, he had been trapped, and even though it was in a device of his own making, Gerard had forgotten that he could free himself until Frank had shown him that he had possessed the key to his prison all along.

Ever since he had moved back home, even before that actually, Gerard had kept his emotions locked away, never allowing himself to get close to anyone in the fear of being hurt like he had in the past, but something about Frank made him want to throw all caution to the wind and dive into this head first, and it wouldn't matter if he shattered against the hard pavement waiting for him at the bottom, because maybe Frank would catch him before that happened, and Gerard wanted to take that chance.

This was a complete one-eighty for Gerard, who was usually terrified of reaching out to anyone, especially strangers, and he was honestly surprised that he had managed to work up the courage to initiate anything with Frank at all, but the large amounts of alcohol he had consumed that day had definitely helped with that, and the fact that Frank had been so willing had left little time for Gerard to doubt himself, or the connection he felt between him and Frank.

Because there was something there, something _real_ , something tangible, something that Gerard wasn't sure he would ever feel with another person. Gerard couldn't produce the exact word for what he was feeling was; it was more than simple lust, that was for sure, and it was much to earlier to call it anything more seriously, like love, but it was _something_ , and whatever it was, Gerard wanted more of it.

Frank was the first person Gerard had been with in months, and the ones before him had been random hookups for the most part, and even though Frank could technically be classified as another one-night stand, he _wasn't_ , Gerard knew that for certain.

Gerard was still in awe over how eager Frank had been, how much he needed Gerard, how easily they had melded together as if they had been lovers for ages. There was none of the awkwardness Gerard usually associated with his typical sexual encounters, and now that Gerard had a taste of Frank, he wanted more - he wanted to see how far Frank would let him go, how much pleasure they could find in each other's bodies once they became better acquainted.

But even though the sex had been mind blowing, that wasn't the only thing Gerard wanted from Frank. He had truly enjoyed Frank's company, and coming from Gerard, who wanted to be left alone ninety percent of the time, that meant a hell of a lot. Just watching a movie with Frank had been exciting, and Gerard couldn't remember the last time he had actually desired someone else's presence, but it had been far too long, that was for sure.

Gerard honestly couldn't believe that Frank had just waltzed into his life last night, and it made him wonder if someone was looking down on him for above, and they had taken pity on Gerard's sad state and driven Frank into his path in an attempt to bring Gerard some happiness. Gerard would like to think that things like that could happen, that maybe Elena could still see Gerard wherever she was, and she had somehow had something to do with Frank appearing on his doorstep last night.

The whole notion was sort of ridiculous, especially since Gerard really didn't believe in God, or angels, but it made sense in a way. Mikey had needed someone to bring him home, and Frank had just so happened to be there, and Gerard had needed someone too, even though he hadn't admitted it to himself before last night, but now he wasn't ashamed at all to say that he wanted Frank in his life.

Gerard hadn't been ready to let Frank walk out his door this morning, and he missed him already, even though he had barely been gone for two minutes. Gerard was always like this when he was interested in someone though; he wanted to be around them every second of every day, and only the knowledge that most people didn't appreciate that much attention made Gerard constrain himself from begging Frank to blow off his mother and stay here with him, he didn't want to scare him off after all.

Still, Gerard couldn't resist the urge to send Frank a quick text, so he got up from his position on the floor and hurried into his bedroom to grab the device. Gerard was well aware that he was probably being a bit too clingy, especially with someone he had only met last night, but he _really_ liked Frank, and he wanted to make sure he knew that.

Once the text was sent, Gerard began to get dressed so he wouldn't sit there waiting for a reply, which was what he truly wanted to be doing, but it was much to earlier to be obsessing over Frank just yet, even though avoiding doing just that was starting to become a difficult task already.

As Gerard pulled on some probably clean clothes, he wondered if Frank was truly going to see his mother, or if it had all been a clever lie to escape Gerard's company. Gerard didn't sense any falseness radiating off of Frank this morning, but he had seemed nervous, uncomfortable even, and Gerard was beginning to wonder if he had been much to forward with Frank last night after all.

But _no_ , Frank had seemed to want Gerard, and he hadn't seemed scared or overwhelmed at all while they were having sex, not even when Gerard got a bit rough with him - really, it was only afterward when Frank began to get skittish, which led Gerard to believe that Frank might not be used to cuddles, or goodbye kisses, or morning afters.

Gerard knew he was over analyzing the situation, and the best way to find out what Frank had truly been feeling was just to ask him, but Gerard had a very observant personality, and his deductions were usually correct, not to mention he was more likely to find out the truth from Frank's body language than his words, because a tongue could lie, but mannerisms were much more honest.

Gerard wanted to know more about Frank, because the quick glimpse he had gotten into his life last night hadn't been nearly enough to satisfy Gerard's curiosity. Gerard wanted to read a novel focusing soley on Frank, he wanted to soak up every word until he knew what made Frank the person he was today, the person that interested Gerard so much.

Gerard hadn't felt this urge in years; the burning desire to get close to another person was something that Gerard had been convinced had died ages ago, but Frank had stoked the small spark back to life, and honestly, Gerard had missed this feeling.

Until last night, Gerard had been perfectly content hiding in his apartment for the rest of his life, drowning in his sorrows with no one else but Mikey for company until one of his self descructive habits ended up killing him, but now the world was filled with color again, and Gerard actually wanted to go out and experience it, as long as Frank was involved.

But Gerard knew this spike of happiness wouldn't last, it never did anymore, but that didn't make it any less enjoyable, quite the opposite actually. Knowing he would inevitably crash made this brief burst of joy even more precious, and if spending time with Frank evoked these sensations in Gerard, he was going to make sure that happened much more often.

It was amazing how quickly Gerard had gone for the sobbing drunken mess he had been two days ago to the giddy love struck person he was now, but it didn't phase Gerard anymore, this was his life, and for years now, he had been dealing with dramatic ups and downs, and he had stopped questioning them, because it didn't do any good.

Somewhere in his head, Gerard knew that this wasn't natural, and he probably had bipolar disorder, or something similar to that, but he just didn't care. He didn't want to go to a shrink he would tell him all the things wrong with his life; Gerard already knew he was fucked up, and he definitely didn't want to be put on any more mind numbing medications. He had stopped taking his depression pills months ago, and even though he was sure they would help him level out a bit, the trade off just wasn't worth it, and he refused to go around feeling like a zombie for the rest of his life.

Gerard didn't want to worry about whatever mental illness he may or may not have though, not right now when he could be thinking of Frank. Picturing the small smile Frank had graced him with before he had left this morning had Gerard's lips tugging upward unconsciously, and Gerard couldn't remember the last time he had smiled this much - not since the days in the band, that was for sure, and Gerard refused to acknowledge those memories anymore.

This thing with Frank had all happened so fast, Gerard should have been slightly worried about how attached he had become to him in less than twenty four hours, but it had been so long since Gerard had felt the way he had last night, he didn't even care about the odd way they had met, or how fast their acquaintanceship had progressed into sex, because Gerard needed someone who made him feel again, he needed someone like _Frank_ , and he wasn't afraid to admit that.

If anyone knew life was short, it was Gerard, and he wasn't one for waiting, or taking it slow, not when today might be his last, so he didn't regret anything that had happened with Frank last night, and he could barely wait until tomorrow, when it would hopefully happen again.

Gerard was itching to return to his phone to see if Frank had texted him back, but he knew he needed to check up on Mikey before he got too caught up in Frank, so he forced his feet towards his brother's room, pushing the door open gently just in case Mikey was still asleep.

As soon as Gerard's gaze feel on Mikey, his previous good mood deflated, and he was hit with the reminded of why Frank had come over in the first place. Gerard had almost managed to forget about Mikey's drug problem while Frank had been distracting him, but now it was returning to him full force, and his smile fell into a grimace as he entered the small room.

Mikey peered at Gerard with bleary eyes as he walked over to his bed, and Gerard graced him with a sad smile in way of greeting. Mikey looked terrible - not as bad as last night, but still pretty fucking bad, and Gerard hated seeing his once vibrant brother decaying before his very eyes.

Mikey was too thin lately, not that he hadn't always been lanky and bony, but now he was borderline emaciated; Gerard could count his ribs easily when he sat up in bed, and even his skin tone was sallow and unhealthy looking, and Gerard couldn't help but feel like it was his fault this his brother was this way.

If Gerard had never wanted to start a band, Mikey would never have joined, he would never have fallen into cocaine so heavily, and he would still be happy. He would have graduated college, maybe even have settled down with someone by this point, but Gerard had ruined Mikey's life with his stupid idea, and he was reminded of that every time he laid eyes on his baby brother.

"Hey Mikes...how you feeling?" Gerard asked, placing a hand on Mikey's forehead to make sure he wasn't running a fever.

"Better now, just kinda out of it," Mikey shrugged sheepishly, moving out from under Gerard's touch with an irritated sigh.

"Where is it?" Gerard demanded once he had ascertained that Mikey was decently healthy, for the moment at least, and Mikey rolled his eyes in response, pointing to his dresser when Gerard continued to glare at him.

"I'm not an idiot Gerard, I was going to throw it away once I got up," Mikey sighed when Gerard began rifling through the top drawer, emerging with the bag of coke that Mikey had hidden there.

"Where you Mikes - _really?_ " Gerard scoffed, stuffing the zip-lock into his pocket so he could dispose of it as soon as this conversation was over. He wasn't taking any chances leaving the drugs with Mikey, and even though he most definitely had more hidden away somewhere, at least Gerard could make sure he didn't use this bad batch again.

" _Yes_ \- I wasn't going to take shitty coke twice." Mikey crossed his arms over his chest defensively, and Gerard recognized that stubborn glint in his brother's eyes, so he decided to stop pushing him before this turned into a full blown argument.

"Okay, you know I'm just worried about you. I wish you would quit this..." Gerard sat back down on the edge of Mikey's bed, sending him an apologetic look in the hopes of mollifying Mikey's irritated posture.

"I did try Gee, but it's _hard_...and I just - I don't know. I guess I forgot what it is like to live without it," Mikey shrugged uncomfortably, shifting slightly in the bed to make more room for Gerard to spread out next to him.

"I know Mikes, but it isn't impossible - I did it, remember? You just need to keep yourself distracted...get a job or something - you know? Stop hanging around the people who give it to you." Gerard cringed at his words, because he sounded like a parent lecturing a child, but in a way, he did feel like Mikey's father more than his brother half the time, and he couldn't just sit silently by while Mikey spiraled even further into his addiction.

"Yeah sure, but you are forgetting that I dropped out of college for the band Gee, and it's pretty _fucking_ hard to find a job without a degree, and don't tell me to go work at McDonald's or some shit, because _I swear_ , I will slap you."

"But you can go back to school Mikes...finish up where you left off - _hell_ , start something new. I don't know, just find something to help you get over this," Gerard pleaded, and even though they had this argument at least once a month, Gerard wasn't ready to give up on his brother yet.

"You just don't fucking get it - do you Gee? I don't want to go back to _fucking_ college, or getting a _fucking_ job - I want the _band_ back, I want our old lives back, and the only way I can forget about how much I hate the fact that you broke it up is the drugs okay? That's why I can't quit, and I don't want to make you feel bad, or guilty, but its the truth," Mikey sighed heavily, refusing to meet Gerard's eyes once he was finished speaking.

"Don't _fucking_ talk about the band," Gerard growled, trying to push back his anger over Mikey's statement.

"No Gerard - I'm going to talk about it, because you need to fucking own up to what happened, because it did - we were in a _band_ , a fucking good band, and we were going places until you freaked out and ended everything before it began."

"Shut up Mikey -"

"That's what you want, but I'm not going to Gerard, not this time. You need to stop pretending that My Chem didn't happen - _okay?_ It's not healthy, and it's stupid, and I'm your own brother, and I don't even understand why you ended it. Three Cheers was a great album, people were loving us...and - I just don't understand Gee..." Mikey choked out, and Gerard found himself fighting back his own wave of unexpected tears.

" _Mikes_...I just had to. The band was killing us, and it - it was too much, and I just couldn't...none of us could keep it up," Gerard mumbled quietly, but he was cut off by a loud scoff from his brother.

"Don't feed me those bullshit excuses, I have heard them one thousand times before," Mikey sighed wearily, turning away from Gerard angrily.

"It's true Mikes...I don't know what else to say." Gerard's stomach twisted uncomfortably as he spoke, but he couldn't tell Mikey the whole truth, he couldn't tell anyone, but it wasn't like the rest of it was a lie.

The band had been killing them, and one of them would have overdosed or died of alcohol poisoning sooner or later with the way they were going. Their last tour had nearly destroyed all of them, and even though Gerard had already been working on their next album, he couldn't bring himself to live that life any longer, not after everything that had happened.

" _I'm sorry_ \- I'm just angry, and tired, but we don't have to talk about it right now. I just wish you would fucking open up to me. I used to know everything about you...but now you are like a stranger to me," Mikey sniffled softly, turning back to Gerard with a weak smile.

"I'm sorry Mikes." Gerard hung his head in shame, not knowing what else to say, because Mikey was right, but Gerard didn't even know what was going on in his head half the time, and if he could explain it to his brother, he would, but not yet.

"So...you fucked Frank last night?" Mikey changed the subject abruptly, leaving Gerard sputtering for air as his cheeks flamed bright red.

"What...how did you - did you hear us?" Gerard choked out, trying to hide his blush from Mikey before he caught sight of it.

"No - thank fuck for that," Mikey chortled softly.

"Then...how did you know?" Gerard asked sheepishly.

"Because you were actually smiling when you walked in here, and I saw the way you two were eye fucking each other last night, so it wasn't too hard to guess."

"Oh - well uh... _yeah_..." Gerard blushed again as he admitted it. It was slightly awkward talking to Mikey about this, especially since he had been at the bar with Frank in the first place, which meant Mikey had most likely been interested in Frank before Gerard even knew he existed, but it was too late for Gerard to try and cover up what had happened.

"Did he see them?" Mikey questioned, and Gerard instantly knew that Mikey was talking about the scars that littered his thighs and arms.

"I don't think so...he didn't say anything at least." Gerard glanced down at his wrists as he spoke; the light marks there had almost completely faded away, but the were still visible, and every day Gerard had to live with the scars he had made on himself in his times of weakness.

Gerard hated the fact that he did this to himself, and even though it was a rare occurrence for him to take a blade to his skin anymore, he had already ruined himself beyond repair, and he was terrified of what Frank would think when he finally noticed them.

Gerard had done his best to keep them hidden from Frank last night, and he had made sure not to remove his pants until the last possible moment - the marks on his thighs were much worse than anywhere else, but if he continued to see Frank, he was going to catch sight of them eventually, but Gerard would cross that hurdle when it happened.

"That's good - he was probably distracted by you giant dick," Mikey grinned.

"What the hell Mikey - you are my brother, you aren't allowed to talk about my dick," Gerard squeaked, slapping Mikey weakly on the shoulder as he tried not to die of embarrassment.

" _What_ \- I lived on a bus with you for years Gee, everyone in the band saw your dick," Mikey giggled, but the sound quickly cut off when he caught sight of Gerard's face.

"Stop talking about the _fucking_ band Mikey...and my dick too for that matter." Gerard scoffed angrily.

"Sorry...so - are you going to see Frank again?" Mikey asked, still chuckling quietly to himself.

"Yeah - I hope so, maybe tomorrow if he follows through. I texted him earlier, so I will see if he responds." Gerard felt a smile breaking out on his face again now that he was speaking of Frank, and by Mikey's raised eyebrow, he saw it too.

"Good, I think you need someone like him in your life."

"Oh yeah - why?" Gerard pressed, because even though he knew why he wanted to keep Frank around, he was curious to hear Mikey's reasoning.

"Because he is different - more caring than most people, or _something_ like that. I think he could make you love yourself again, or at least help you. I just get a good vibe off of that guy," Mikey shrugged.

"Yeah - he is different," Gerard agreed, scooting over slightly when Mikey shoved him to the side so he could get out of bed.

Frank was _different_ \- _special_ even, and the fact that Mikey saw it too just solidified Gerard's attraction to him, because Gerard trusted his brother's judgment more than his own, more than anyone's actually. It was rare that Mikey ever approved of Gerard's love interests, but he liked Frank, and that meant a hell of a lot to Gerard.

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm fucking starving. You want to go to iHop or something?" Mikey asked as he rifled around his room for some clothes, obviously done with their current conversation.

"Yeah that sounds good," Gerard agreed, regaining his feet easily while avoiding the clutter Mikey had littered around his room.

"Cool - just give me a minute and I'll be ready," Mikey mumbled out, his head halfway buried in his closet as he searched for fuck knows what.

"Okay," Gerard answered, already halfway toward his room, or more importantly, his _phone_.

Gerard was embarrassed of how nervous he was when he approached the innocent looking device, but he knew he would be crushed if Frank hadn't responded, even though it was perfectly understandable if he hadn't, but Gerard couldn't help how quickly he got attached to people.

Gerard tried to prepare himself for disappointment, telling himself that Frank was busy, and he might already be at his mother's house by now, so it was possible that he wouldn't even check his phone until later, but his mental pep talk wasn't making his hands any more stable, or his breathing slow down at all.

Luckily for Gerard though, he had one new message when he finally unlocked his phone, so he didn't have to deal with what would have happened if Frank hadn't texted him back, because the outcome wouldn't have been pretty, but thank fuck that wasn't the case.

And when Gerard read Frank's response, he felt an unfamiliar warmth bubbling in his stomach, something he could only describe as pure joy, and _fuck_ \- this was better than any drug, any drink, and Gerard would do whatever it took to make this sensation last forever.

_"Yeah - it's Frank. I would say you are cute in the morning too, but you are pretty fucking cute all of the time."_

Gerard quickly typed out a response, smiling to himself as he did so, because Mikey was right; Frank was doing wonders for Gerard already, and tomorrow night really couldn't come fast enough.


	10. I Can't Think Of A Chapter Title So Have Some Pointless Filler

By the time Frank had reached his deceivingly innocent front door, his previous good mood had deflated entirely, leaving him nothing but a mess of nerves and shaking hands that didn't seem to want to grab onto his key just yet, and in all reality, he truly didn't want to go inside, because then he would have to deal with the fiasco that was his life once again.

Frank had been in such a rush to get home, but now that he was here, it was as if he was moving in slow motion, because even though he knew his mother needed him here, that didn't mean that Frank felt needed, or even _accepted_ in this house that was no longer a home.

Frank's house seemed to physically repel him, as if it knew that he wasn't wanted here, and all that was awaiting him inside was an angry mother that was sure to ask too many questions that Frank really couldn't provide answers to, but Frank couldn't run away from this for any longer, and the quicker he got this over with, the sooner he could go up to his room and daydream about Gerard.

Being with Gerard had taken him away from all this, it had been an escape, almost like living in an entirely different world, where Frank wasn't the fucked up seventeen year with a debatably insane mother and nothing to look forward to. When Frank had been with Gerard, he had been wanted, he had been special, and most of all, he had been _carefree_ , unrestrained by the usual burdens which weighed him down, and Frank had almost forgotten what that felt like, but he wanted to experience it again as soon as possible.

And as Frank finally got his house key into the lock, he realized that his mother shouldn't even be _home_ today - it was Wednesday after all, which meant she had skipped out on work, probably because she was worried about Frank, and now he had another mess on his hands to clean up once he made his way inside.

"Frankie - is that you?" Frank flinched at the hated nickname, because it only brought back memories of his father, and it sounded so unnatural falling from his mother's tongue, but no matter how many times he pleaded for her to simply call him _Frank_ , she never remembered.

"Yeah - it's me," Frank called out, internally bracing himself for whatever was about to follow.

Because the terrifying thing was, that Frank had no _idea_ what to expect. A typical teenager would come home to a furious mother who would lecture their son about staying out all night without calling, and that was definitely a possibility, but _honestly_ \- Frank could be walking into anything right now. His mother might not even recognize him, or she might erupt into tears at the sight of him; Frank didn't know, he _never_ knew, and he really hated not knowing things.

Actually, Frank would be fine with not knowing how his mother would react, if she would only do so in a way that wasn't totally irrational. Frank truly yearned for a caring, overprotective mother that would genuinely be worried about Frank's safety when he didn't come home that night, which was not what most teenagers wished for, but Frank wasn't most teenagers, and he would fucking _kill_ for that.

There had been countless nights when Frank's mother hadn't even realized Frank was gone, but the worst was when she didn't know Frank was home, when she didn't even acknowledge that she shared the house with another person. That was what Frank hated the most, and at least his mother had recognized him when he walked in the door, which meant he hadn't left Gerard's place for nothing.

Still, Frank was seized with the irrational desire to bolt while he still had the chance, to dash back to Gerard's and take him up on that offer of breakfast, or even _better_ , drag him into the bedroom where Frank could bury all of this in the touch of Gerard's skin against his own until Frank forgot everything except for Gerard.

Frank could stay there all day, he could leave his mother to her own devices, and not worry about whether she had called into work or not, or how much sick time she had left, and if they would dock her pay for missing today. Frank could ignore it all, he could drown out everything in the vortex that was Gerard, but he _didn't_ \- not this time at least.

Because Frank had to take some responsibility for his actions here, and if his mother had missed work because of him, he had to do his best to fix that, and he had to make sure she was okay - even though she _really_ wasn't, because if Frank didn't do those things, no one would, and the delicate foundations their lives were balanced on would come crumbling down if Frank didn't hold them up.

And it was too late to run now anyway, because his mother had spotted him, dropping her mug of coffee, or tea, or _whatever_ the fuck it was onto the title floors where it shattered into a thousand pieces, but she didn't even notice, she was too busy wrapping Frank up in a bone crushing hug that didn't feel comforting at all, even though that was probably her intention.

"Oh baby...I thought you had left me, and I was so scared - so alone... _oh god_..." Linda broke off into quiet sobs as she buried her face in Frank's shirt.

"I was just at Pete's mom...I'm sorry. I should have phoned you," Frank sighed, patting his mother's back awkwardly in an attempt to soothe her as guilt twisted in his stomach angrily. Frank truly hadn't meant to upset her this much, and she had never panicked to such an extent when he had stayed out half the night before, but Frank's mother was nothing if unpredictable, and Frank knew that better than anyone.

"I don't want you going over there anymore honey, you need to stay here, stay with me...where it's _safe_ ," Linda mumbled, her tears already ebbing almost as fast as they had started.

"Mom...I - _okay_ , I won't," Frank sighed out, because he had learned over the past two years that it was pointless to argue with her, especially when she would most likely forget about this entire conversation tomorrow.

"Good - you are such a good boy, nothing like your _father_." Frank shuddered slightly at the mention of his father, and the venomous tone his mother laced the word with, but his mother didn't notice Frank's averse reaction, _of course_ she didn't.

"Did you call into work today mom?" Frank asked, desperate to change the subject away from his father, and luckily for him, it actually worked this time.

"No...but it's Saturday baby, I don't go in on the weekends - remember?" Frank's mother finally pulled away from him with a puzzled look on her face, and Frank had to suppress his groan of frustration from escaping a throat.

"No it isn't...it's Wednesday mom. Come on - let's go phone them okay?" Frank took his mother's hand gently, leading her into the kitchen and over to the landline.

"Huh...I must have lost track of the days," Linda murmured quietly before picking up the phone and dialing the number to her work.

Frank listened in on her conversation, because if he didn't, god knows if his mother would actually remember what she had been calling about in the first place. She seemed to snap back to herself though, and after some subtle nudges from Frank, she agreed to head in soon so she would only miss half of the day.

And after a few more pointless words, and meaningless promises, Frank managed to get his mother out the door, and it was only when Frank could hear her start the engine to her car that he allowed a few tears to escape down his cheeks now that he was alone once again.

He didn't let himself break down completely, he just needed to release some of the pent up anxiety inside of him so that he wouldn't snap entirely, because it was obvious to Frank that his mother's mental illness was getting _worse_ , not better, and he had no fucking clue how long he was going to be able to keep her functioning if she couldn't even remember what day of the week it was.

Frank was worried, so fucking _worried_ , because what was he supposed to do here; he couldn't be home twenty-four/seven, not if he wanted to keep his own job that is, but his mother made way more money than Frank did, and if she got fired, they would be evicted within a few months.

But it almost seemed like Frank's mother needed a constant babysitter now, and Frank wasn't sure if he was up for the task. She had been missing work more frequently then ever before, sometimes she drove off with the intentions of going in, and it was only later that Frank learned that she had spent the day shopping, or _something_ like that instead, and Frank knew her company wasn't very lenient with numerous absences.

Frank didn't know what else he could do to help her though, besides for literally drive her to work and walk her inside as if she was a child heading to her first day at school, and Frank knew she would never actually let Frank do that. She was convinced that she was fine, and that Frank was just imagining her odd behavior, and no matter how hard Frank tried to show her proof that she needed help, it never worked.

Frank was truly at a loss for how to help his mother, and there was nothing else he could do besides for _try_ , but that didn't seem like nearly enough anymore, and Frank felt like such a fucking _failure_ who could only watch as his mother slowly disintegrated before his very eyes.

Frank collapsed onto his bed with a tired grunt, planning on sleeping until he had to head into work tonight, because it was either that or drive himself crazy thinking about everything that was wrong with his life, but when Frank pulled out his phone with the intentions of plugging it into the charger, he saw a new text notification, and suddenly everything was a little more okay with the world.

It was from Gerard, _of course_ it was, and Frank had almost forgotten about the earlier message already, even though he was amazed that Gerard had managed to slip from his mind, although he had numerous other things to occupy his thoughts.

But now it all came rushing back, and Frank let himself get caught up in the dreamland that even thinking about Gerard ensconced him in, and all his fears about his mother, and if she was actually going to work or not fell away from him like shedding skin.

The message was simple, nothing more than a few sweet words, but at the same time, it was _everything_ to Frank, and he found himself actually smiling as he stared at his phone screen much longer than the single line of text called for.

_"Tomorrow can't come soon enough...I miss you already"_

And _fuck_ \- Frank had no idea how badly he needed to hear those words until just now, because the fact that he was seeing Gerard tomorrow was the only thing keeping Frank from breaking into sobs and calling into work himself, and to know that Gerard felt the same way meant so _fucking_ much to Frank, so much that he didn't even bother dissecting Gerard's intentions this time.

Because Frank _needed_ this, he needed Gerard and whatever they had, and even if Gerard really was just fucking with Frank, and he was going to end up getting his heat broken in the end, Frank didn't really give a shit right now, because for today, he was _happy_ , and maybe he would be tomorrow too, and that was enough to make Frank stop doubting Gerard until he gave him a good reason to do so.

And even though it was way too soon for Frank to be this dependent on Gerard, Frank was already fucked, because Gerard had begun to symbolize _hope_ for him; hope for a better life, hope for love, hope that someone could actually care about Frank for the first time in years, and if Frank was falling too fast, it was understandable given his situation, at least, that was how Frank rationalized it to himself.

And Frank was well aware what he was getting into, and he wasn't kidding himself about their situation. This wasn't a fairytale, and he wasn't falling in love with Gerard - _no_ , this was something different, something else, something desperate, full of lust, and need, and desire, but not _love_ , even though Frank wanted it to one day end up there, but he wasn't stupid enough to expect that Gerard could ever actually love Frank.

Gerard would get tired of Frank one day, or he would find out how fucked up he truly was, or _something_ , and Frank would lose Gerard - he knew that, but maybe whatever time they did have together would be enough to help Frank heal, enough to help him carry on just that much longer, so for now, Frank was going to take everything Gerard could give him as long as he still wanted Frank around.

Gerard was a _drug_ , more powerful than alcohol, more tempting; Frank had only needed one taste to become addicted, and now it was too late for him to stop, because even if this ended up destroying him, trying to distance himself from Gerard would probably kill Frank first, and even though he was scared of this connection - _terrified_ actually, his fear was nowhere near as strong as his desire to see Gerard again.

_"I miss you too...I really wish I had stayed instead of coming here"_

Frank didn't expect Gerard to respond immediately, his text had been sent almost an hour ago after all, but as if Gerard was determined to prove Frank wrong, his reply came through barely two minutes later.

_"You okay?"_

Those two words shouldn't have sent Frank into a fit of tears, but they _did_ , and out of nowhere, Frank found himself sobbing brokenly against his pillow, and now that he started, he couldn't find the strength to stop.

It was as if Gerard _knew_ , like he had been able to decipher Frank's mood through a text message, and even though that should have been impossible, Frank didn't know why else Gerard would have asked him that.

It wasn't like it was a normal response to what Frank had said, and really, Frank had been expecting some casual flirting, or something, _anything_ but that innocent question which had made Frank remember how truly not okay he really was.

Frank sat up in shock when he felt his phone buzzing softly against his hand, and it was only then that he realized he had been crying for about twenty minutes now, and he hadn't replied to Gerard's last text, and now Gerard was calling him - _fucking_ calling him, and Frank didn't know what to do.

For some reason, Frank hated talking on the phone, but that wasn't why he didn't immediately pick up, because he would gladly put aside his distaste if it meant that he got to hear Gerard's voice, but if he answered the call, Gerard would be able to tell that he was crying, and Frank didn't have the energy to lie and pretend he was fine right now.

His phone stopped vibrating for a moment, and through his tear stained eyes, Frank saw the notification that he had one missed call, followed instantly by a new text message, which Frank couldn't resist checking, even though he still had tears streaming down his face.

_"Call me?"_

And even though Frank knew this was a terrible idea, he found himself pressing the redial button, and although his brain was screaming at him to stop this, his arm was already bringing the phone up to his ear, and then Gerard's voice was filling Frank's otherwise silent room, and it was too late to back out now.

"Frank...you there?" Gerard asked, and just hearing the genuine concern in his tone had Frank choking back another wave of tears.

"Yeah - it's me," Frank whispered, as if keeping his voice lowered would keep his sobs at bay as well.

"I'm glad you called," Gerard stated, and Frank was so fucking _grateful_ to Gerard in that moment, because he hadn't asked what was wrong, or why Frank was crying, he was just letting Frank know that he was there, and he _cared_ , and that was exactly what Frank needed right now.

Frank was still upset, and he was still hurting, but it wasn't as unbearable as it had been two minutes ago, and just Gerard's presence had managed to calm Frank down, even though it was through a crappy cell connection, and not the real thing.

"I honestly don't know why I did..." Frank chuckled weakly, that sad laugh that he always used when he was trying to hold back his sobs.

"It's okay, because I _do_ , and I know you are upset. I don't know why, but it doesn't really matter, and you can tell me if you want, but you don't have to."

"I - I just... _fuck_ Gerard, I don't know how you know that, but I don't even care. I'm just fucked up, and I can't stop crying, and I hate this," Frank sniffled softly, trying to wipe away the tears that were still pouring down his face in a never ending torrent.

"Oh sugar...I don't like the thought of you crying," Gerard murmured soothingly, and Frank found himself pressing his ear closer to the phone so he could hear Gerard better, because he was pretty sure Gerard had just given him a pet name, and _fuck_ \- Frank could get used to that.

"I still don't get why you care, or why you even called - _fuck_ , I sound like an asshole, but I don't mean it like that. I'm just confused, but I like this, and I like _you_ , and I don't want you to stop talking," Frank rambled out in between gasps for air, and if he had been thinking clearly, Frank would probably have been mortified by his outburst of honesty, but he _wasn't_ , so he didn't care.

"Then I won't stop talking, and I care because I like you too Frank, and I think I understand what you are going through - at least, I know what it's like to be overwhelmed, and alone, and I don't want you to be alone, so I called. Does that make you less confused?" Gerard giggled quietly, and Frank cracked a sad smile at the sound.

"Thank you - _really_ , I - I'm fine, I'm just freaking myself out, and I just wish that everything was different, or _something_ , and I sort of just want to run away, but I can't run away from myself..." Frank trailed off awkwardly, because his mouth was running a mile ahead of his brain, and even though Frank was being purposely vague, this was the most that he had opened up to anyone in ages, and he was getting slightly uncomfortable with how easy talking to Gerard was.

"It's okay not to be fine Frank - it's _okay_ , but if you want to pretend, I understand, I just want you to know that you don't have to pretend with me."

" _Fuck_ \- why are you so perfect?" Frank chuckled to himself, because _really_ , Gerard had to be a mind reader or some shit, because there was no way he could guess exactly what Frank needed to hear right now, but he was, and Frank was actually starting to feel better - his tears had finally stopped at least, so that was a start.

"I'm not perfect Frank - far from it actually," Gerard answered after a few moments of silence, and Frank didn't miss the tortured edge to Gerard's words, but he pretended not to notice it.

"Is it too late to take you up on that offer for breakfast?" Frank stuttered out, because he was overcome with an intense desire to see Gerard in person, to watch his lips move as he formed the words that Frank was desperately absorbing like oxygen into starving lungs; Frank felt like he would suffocate without them, and he couldn't stop himself from voicing the question, even though he felt slightly pathetic doing so.

"You can come over for breakfast any time."

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes." Frank hung up the phone before he could hear Gerard's answer, and he was out the door in thirty seconds flat, his tears nothing more than forgotten stains on his cheeks, and his previous sorrow shriveling away next to the brilliant joy that had unfurled in his chest now that he was going back to see Gerard.

Frank basically ran the short distance to Gerard's apartment complex, even though he would never admit that to anyone, but he was aching to be back in Gerard's arms, no matter that they had barely been separated for two hours - it had seemed like _two years_ to Frank.

And Frank knew he was being irrational, and he really should have stayed home just in case his mother showed back up, and he had to herd her out the door again, but Frank was done with worrying about that for now, because everything was falling apart anyway, and Frank knew his efforts were only prolonging the inevitable fall of his mother, and right now, Frank really didn't give a shit if everything came crumbling down around his head.

Frank made the journey in thirteen minutes exactly, and by the time he skidded to a halt in front of Gerard's door, Frank had to take a moment to catch his breath and think about what he was doing before he knocked.

Because Frank hadn't really though this through, and Gerard was probably going to have questions about what had happened, and why Frank was back after so adamantly stating that he had to leave earlier this morning, and _really_ , Frank painted a pretty pathetic picture right now.

Frank's shirt was still wet from his recent tears, and he was sure his eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Frank was weak, his defenses were down, and it would be all too easy to let Gerard see the real Frank that he had kept hidden from everyone besides Pete for years.

And now that Frank had paused for a minute and actually realized what he was doing, he had no fucking idea why he had come to Gerard's instead of Pete's, because Pete was the person that Frank always turned to when he felt this way, but today, stopping by his friend's house hadn't even crossed his mind.

Because even though Gerard was a stranger, and there was no good explanation for why Frank trusted him so much, so soon, he _did_ , and Gerard made all of the shit Frank had eating away at his mind disappear, which was something that not even Pete had been able to do lately, because _yes_ \- Pete helped, but he couldn't lose himself in Pete like he did with Gerard, and Frank needed to immerse himself in something right now, even if it was a man's arms that he had only met last night.

In the end, it was Gerard's apartment door that helped Frank make up his mind, because somehow, it seemed one thousand times more inviting than his own home, and that meant something to Frank. He felt _safe_ here with Gerard, and maybe it was okay to let go and be himself, because Gerard seemed to like Frank, and he _cared_ , and if this all went to shit, at least Frank got away for the day instead of staying home crying until he had fallen into a dream filled sleep that would leave him more tired than before.

So Frank forced himself to raise his hand and rap gently on the door, and he didn't even have time to get nervous before it was being pulled open, and there was Gerard, looking even more gorgeous than Frank remembered, staring down at Frank with a caring expression tinged with genuine happiness that made his knees weak and his heart beat speed up, and Frank instantly knew he had made the right decision in coming here.

"Frank - I didn't know if you would come," Gerard exhaled heavily, as if he had been holding his breath the entire time Frank had been making his way over.

"I said I would," Frank smiled, stepping inside when Gerard motioned with his hand for him to come in.

"I know, but I thought - it doesn't matter. I missed you," Gerard smiled, that crooked grin that Frank would never get tired of staring at.

" _Fuck_ \- I missed you too," Frank admitted quietly.

And then Gerard was leaning down, pressing Frank back against the door frame in a perfect parody of the kiss they had last shared, but this time, Frank wasn't leaving, he was going to stay here with Gerard for as long as possible, fuck work, fuck _everything_ , nothing mattered when Gerard was kissing him like there wasn't anything else he would rather be doing.

"You okay?" Gerard asked when they finally pulled apart, leaving Frank dizzy and gasping for air, and really, Gerard's arms wrapped around his waist was the only thing keeping his knees from collapsing and depositing him on the ground right now.

And there was that _question_ again, that question that everyone asks but never truly expects an answer, but Gerard seemed like he actually did, like he genuinely wanted to know if Frank was really okay, and Frank felt literal bubbles of warmth forming in his stomach, floating up to into his chest until Frank felt like he might explode from the sensation.

"Yeah - I am."

And this time, Frank wasn't lying, or pretending, not even a little bit, because when he was around Gerard, everything seemed bearable again, and even if Frank was just hiding from his life, he was going to keep doing it if it made him feel this way, and when Gerard reattached their lips eagerly, Frank actually felt pretty fucking _perfect_.


	11. Blowjobs And Pancakes - Not At The Same Time Of Course

Frank's head was spinning, and he couldn't breathe, not with Gerard kissing the _life_ out of him, and right now, Frank really wished Gerard was oxygen, and his body could live off of his lips alone, that way, Frank would never have to break this perfect moment, because he didn't want it to end - not _ever_.

So Frank kept their mouths firmly pressed together, even after his lungs began to burn painfully, even when colorful spots began to dance behind his eyelids, because Frank needed _more_ \- more of Gerard's taste, his tongue, his lips, more of _everything_.

Gerard was the one to finally break the kiss, his chest heaving and his cheeks stained with color, but Frank only took a moment to observe these things before pressing his face into the crook of Gerard's neck, even though he could have stared at Gerard for years, as he had already proven last night, but right now, he wanted to keep this physical connection for as long as possible.

Mouthing at Gerard's pale skin in-between gasps for air, Frank pressed their bodies even closer together, drinking in the soft moans that fell from Gerard's mouth as desperately as the oxygen he was currently forcing into his lungs, and _honestly_ \- Frank would have chosen the sounds Gerard was making over breathing any day, because _fuck_ \- they were the hottest thing Frank had ever heard, and Frank wanted to cause Gerard to produce more of them.

And even though the kissing was nice, Frank was selfish, and there was so many things that he wanted to do to Gerard, he barely knew where to start - he basically had a fucking _list_ in his head for fucks sake, but Frank knew which one he was craving most, which was getting Gerard's dick in his mouth as soon as possible.

"Wanna suck you off," Frank muttered determinedly before dropping to his knees with a muted thump, hiding his wince behind the curtain of hair that had fallen over his face.

Frank didn't even wait for an answer from the older man before he began undoing the button of Gerard's jeans, because if Gerard really didn't want this, he was going to have to _literally_ drag Frank off his dick, but if the way Gerard was panting like he had just ran five miles meant anything at all, Frank had a feeling that Gerard wasn't going to deny Frank this.

Frank _needed_ this right now; he needed to feel this connection to another person, and even though he had just been fucked by Gerard last night, simply being around the gorgeous man had Frank's sex drive at an all-time high, and Frank was desperate for more of Gerard's cock, especially since he hadn't been given much of an opportunity to appreciate it before now.

Slipping his hand into Gerard's boxers, Frank gazed upward at the dark haired man who was staring back at Frank, his eyes wide and his bottom lip in-between his teeth as he watched Frank eagerly. Frank wrapped his hand around Gerard loosely, waiting for the accompanying groan that followed, and Frank wasn't disappointed.

Gerard flung his head back as Frank began to move his hand up and down, a strangled noise leaving his throat before he clasped a hand over his mouth in an attempt to silence himself, but Frank quickly grew frustrated with the awkward angle, so he returned to his main goal, which was getting Gerard's jeans off as quickly as humanly possible.

Frank struggled with that though, because Gerard's pants were fucking _tight_ , and he couldn't seem to get them down his legs properly, not to mention that Gerard wasn't helping at all, he was almost hindering the process actually, and Frank was beginning to get very pissed off with the thick fabric very quickly.

"Fucking hell -" Frank grunted out, his fingers fighting with a third hidden button that he hadn't noticed, but _seriously_ \- who the fuck has more than one button on their jeans, besides for Gerard apparently.

"Here," Gerard finally spoke, removing his hands from where they had been pressed against the wall so he could help Frank shuffle his jeans down a bit, taking his boxers with them as well so finally - fucking _finally_ , his cock sprang free from the confining denim.

Frank had to take a moment to stare, because even though he had gotten a glimpse of Gerard's dick last night - this was _different_ , and now Frank was up close and personal with Gerard's impressive length, and as weird as this sounded, Gerard had a beautiful cock, even though Frank would never actually put that into words, he would probably die of embarrassment if that happened.

It was the truth though, and Frank was sort of in awe over how perfect Gerard's dick actually was. Frank leaned forward slightly, licking away the drop of pre-come that was hanging off the tip before pulling back again so he could observe the small shudder that wracked Gerard's body, causing his cock to bounce upward slightly, and _fuck_ \- Gerard was so hard already, Frank's own dick was swelling just from looking at him.

And even though this wasn't a perfect setup, and Gerard's pants were still too far up around his thighs, Gerard made no attempt to move them any lower; in fact, Frank thought he saw him trying to hold them up on the back, but _whatever_ \- Frank was too turned on to care by this point, and Gerard's dick was sort of demanding all of his attention right now.

"Is this okay?" Frank asked, feeling a little thrown off by Gerard's odd behavior, not to mention the fact that he wasn't being anywhere near as vocal as he had been last night, and Frank felt the need to make sure he wasn't crossing some sort of line here.

"Yeah - _fuck_ yeah...but Mikey's home," Gerard whispered, his eyes darting toward his brother's room nervously as he spoke.

That should have been Frank's cue to stop, because he wasn't an exhibitionist, and the idea of Gerard's brother that Frank had been considering fucking the other night walking in on them was not a turn on, but Frank was too far gone to stop this now, and every rational brain cell in his body had shut down under the weight of the overwhelming lust that was currently taking over Frank's mind.

"I guess you will have to be quiet then," Frank smirked before wrapping his lips around Gerard's head, inhaling through his nose as his mouth was flooded with Gerard's taste.

Frank moaned as much as he could when Gerard's hips kicked forward slightly, pushing just a bit more of Gerard into Frank's mouth, and _fuck_ \- this was even better than Frank had imagined it would be; Gerard was thick, stretching Frank's lips wide over his pulsing length, and Frank felt so used, so filthy, but in the _best_ way possible, which didn't really make sense, but it did if you were Frank.

Frank pulled off for a second, digging his tongue into Gerard's slit so he could lap up the bitter pre-come that was weeping from it, wanting more of Gerard's unique flavor, and Frank couldn't help but groan in delight when the heady taste overflowed his senses, causing an accompanying moan to fall from Gerard's lips.

When Frank glanced at Gerard through his eyelashes, he actually had to reach down and cup his own aching cock, because Gerard was staring at him with blown out pupils and desperation written all over his features, and Frank felt so fucking _good_ , because he was the one making Gerard fall apart - his _tongue_ , his _mouth_ , and he wanted to see Gerard loose it completely.

Deciding to tease Gerard for just a little bit longer, Frank pressed his tongue to the side of Gerard's cock, trailing it lower until he reached his balls, making sure to take his time licking each one softly until Gerard's legs were trembling around him.

" _Please_..." Gerard gasped out, one of his hands coming down to tangle in Frank's hair, trying to encourage Frank to return to his cock without having to actually form any more words, because speaking was obviously a struggle for him right now.

Frank responded instantly, taking Gerard in as deep as he could go, using his hand to cover the rest of his length that he couldn't fit in his mouth. Gerard keened softly, his hold on Frank's hair tightening to an almost painful degree as Frank sucked down hard, but Frank was loving every second of this.

"Fuck - fuck... _oh god_ ," Gerard chanted as Frank began to move up and down, spit dripping from his mouth obscenely as he hummed happily around Gerard's cock.

Frank fucking _loved_ this - he loved sucking cock, because he was good at it, and there was something about the taste, and the weight, and the fact that he was making Gerard feel so fucking good that caused Frank's skin to catch fire, his nerve endings tingling as if he was the one getting sucked off, and Frank had to slip his free hand into his pants, popping the button on his jeans so he could begin stroking his own cock harshly in time with his movements around Gerard's.

Gerard was holding back though, and Frank didn't want that; he wanted Gerard to shove his cock down his throat, deeper, _harder_ , he wanted to fucking choke it on, he wanted Gerard to take control, but Gerard wasn't moving at all, besides for the involuntary twitches of his hips that he didn't seem able to control.

"I want you to fuck my mouth," Frank rasped out as he pulled off Gerard's cock, his voice coming out deep and hoarse, a combination of Frank's arousal and having a dick in his mouth.

" _Jesus Christ_ sugar..." Gerard groaned out, his cock jumping as Frank began to move his hand up and down his length ever so slowly.

"Is that a yes?"

" _Fuck yes_." Gerard tugged hard on Frank's hair, forcing his mouth back onto his dick roughly, and _yes_ \- this is what Frank wanted; he wanted to lose control, to lose _himself_ in Gerard, and Gerard finally seemed to be getting with the program.

Gerard's first thrust was tentative, shallow, as if Gerard was just testing Frank, but Frank was so fucking done with waiting, so he used both of his hands to pull Gerard even closer to him, his head banging against the front door as Gerard's cock was shoved down his throat roughly.

And even though Frank gagged slightly, and he couldn't breathe for a short moment, he didn't care; _actually_ \- this is what he wanted, and he tried to let Gerard know that by releasing a loud moan, _well_ \- as loud as possible with a dick in his mouth that is.

" _Holy shit_ Frank," Gerard murmured in-between gritted teeth, pushing in just a bit further until spit was dripping down Frank's jaw, but Frank simply swallowed around Gerard, causing him to release a throaty cry that was much too loud, but Gerard instantly quieted himself as he began to move.

Gerard's dick slid in-between Frank's lips quickly, soaked with Frank's saliva, and _fuck_ \- Frank wanted to see this, he wanted to watch as Gerard's cock disappeared into his mouth before being pulled back out, but Frank couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, so he simply leaned back against the door, enjoying the feeling of being trapped between the unforgiving wood and Gerard's warm body.

Frank slipped his hand back into his open jeans, palming himself rapidly as Gerard snapped his hips even faster, his fingers holding Frank's head exactly where he wanted him, and Frank yielded completely, letting his body go lax as Gerard's movements quickened by the second.

"Fucking hell Frank - fucking _look_ at you...so fucking hot, I love your fucking mouth," Gerard whispered in a breathy voice, quiet moans punctuating every other word, and Frank could only hum in agreement, his eyes watering slightly as Gerard hit the back of his throat with a particularly harsh thrust.

Frank was getting so close just from this, just from having Gerard use his mouth to get himself off. Frank's dick was leaking in his jeans, the pre-come helping the slide of Frank's hand as he continued to fist him furiously, desperate for some release from the aching pressure in his stomach.

"So close - _fuck_...come on," Gerard growled, and Frank made sure to tighten the suction of his lips as much as he could, swallowing deeply around Gerard, keeping him trapped in the back of his throat as Gerard's dick began to pulsate wildly, and it was only seconds later before he was coming - hot spurts filling Frank's mouth as Gerard trembled and cried out hoarsely.

Gerard pulled away from Frank's mouth weakly when he was empty, and Frank could feel come dripping down his chin; he felt messy, and disgusting, and so fucking _turned on_ , but Frank just couldn't get a good enough angle to get himself off, so as soon as Gerard's cock was past his lips, Frank was ripping his jeans down angrily, trying to get his dick out so he could fucking come like he had been needing to for ages.

"Come here," Gerard demanded, shocking Frank out of his desperate race to get his jeans down, and for a second, Frank had almost forgotten that Gerard existed, his need to come had taken over everything else right now.

"It hurts - _fuck_ ," Frank whined when Gerard dragged Frank's body against his, trapping Frank's hard dick against his stomach, making it impossible for Frank to touch himself.

"I've got you baby, _god_ \- you are so fucking _perfect_ \- wanna watch you come, are you gonna come for me?" Gerard asked, reaching down in-between their torsos, and _yes_ \- that was just what Frank needed.

Gerard seemed to know exactly how to touch Frank, from the way he dropped his hand down to cup his balls, to the way he flicked his wrist when he reached Frank's tip, and embarrassingly enough, it only took Frank about a minute before he was spurting all over Gerard's hand, his body convulsing violently before his muscles went limp, and Frank collapsed against Gerard's chest in a boneless mess.

Frank wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, Gerard kneeling on the floor with Frank basically sitting in his lap as their heavy breathing filled the otherwise silent room, Gerard occasionally pressing soft kisses to Frank's sweaty forehead, but finally, Frank lifted his head, gazing up at Gerard with a lazily smile on his face.

"Thanks - uh, I needed that," Frank chuckled quietly, his voice coming out pretty much wrecked because of the rough treatment he had just received, but Frank reveled in it, almost like it was a badge of honor that he was proud to bear.

"Did you seriously just thank me for letting you suck my cock?" Gerard arched one of his perfect eyebrows at Frank, and now that Frank thought about what he had just said, it did sound sort of _ridiculous_ , but it wasn't necessarily the action he had been referring to, it was more the fact that Gerard had been there for Frank, and he had let Frank use him to drown out the world for a little while, but Frank didn't know how to put any of that into words.

"Uh... _yeah_ , I guess I did," Frank smiled, wiping his mouth discreetly as he stood up on shaky legs, fastening his pants back up in the process, and Gerard repeated Frank's actions.

Gerard held up a finger, signaling to Frank that he would be right back, and Frank watched as Gerard disappeared down the hallway leading to his bedroom, stripping off his shirt - which was covered in Frank's come - as he went. Frank's own clothing had emerged relatively unscathed, besides for the fact that he had been wearing them for two days now, and they were starting to smell, but whatever.

Gerard returned with a new shirt, as well as a wet towel which he handed to Frank, and Frank gratefully wiped his mouth with it. Frank wasn't sure if he would ever get used to how caring Gerard was, but it was really fucking nice to have someone help him clean up afterward, instead of being kicked out as soon as the other guy had gotten off, and Frank wondered if Gerard knew how much the simple gesture meant to him.

"So...did you still want breakfast? I don't know if you ate at your mom's or whatever, but I sort of don't want you to leave yet," Gerard asked once Frank was finished peering in the small mirror hanging by the doorway, making sure he looked mostly presentable, and not like he had just gotten his mouth fucked for a good ten minutes.

"Yeah - I'm actually pretty hungry, so if you aren't busy or anything, that would be nice." Frank's stomach growled as if to punctuate his words, and Frank only just now realized it had been way too long since he had last eaten a proper meal.

"I'm never too busy for you," Gerard smiled widely, and even though Frank knew he was probably just saying that, and it was only another compliment that meant nothing, Frank couldn't help the fierce blush that overtook his cheeks, and he knew he would be repeating those words to himself late at night when he needed to hear them most.

\---------------------------------------------

Frank had quickly discovered that Gerard had nothing even remotely edible in his house, so staying in for breakfast was out of the question, and that was how they found themselves at the iHop down the road, the two of them seated in a large booth that made Frank feel oddly isolated. There was too much distant in-between him and Gerard, and he almost wanted to move so he could be sitting next to him, instead of across from him, but Frank wasn't that comfortable with their relationship yet, if you could even call it that.

"Get whatever you want - it's on me." Gerard set his menu down after barely glancing it at for a second, and Frank repeated the process, because he already knew what he wanted, and that was a _fuck ton_ of pancakes.

"I can pay," Frank insisted, because even though he was tight on funds, he wasn't so poor that he couldn't afford breakfast, and he didn't want Gerard to think that he was.

"I know you can, but I want to since this is our first proper date after all, and it's my treat okay - no arguments." Gerard crossed his arms stubbornly, and if Frank's brain hadn't been so distracted by what Gerard had just said, he would have noticed how fucking _cute_ Gerard looked when his face took on a stubborn cast.

"So this is a date?" Frank managed to choke out, picking up his menu again in a pretense of interest so he could hide his red cheeks from Gerard.

"Well _yeah_ \- I know I'm supposed to take you out before we fuck, but better late than never I hope?" Gerard asked quietly, and if Frank wasn't mistaken, Gerard's voice cracked slightly, as if he was nervous to hear Frank's answer.

"This is perfect Gerard - _seriously_ ," Frank assured the older man, and the smile that formed on Gerard's lips had Frank's blood thrumming under his skin.

"You boys ready to order - _oh_ \- couldn't stay away I see?" The blonde waitress asked as she came to a stop at Frank and Gerard's table, causing Frank to shoot Gerard a quizzical look.

"Oh - um... _yeah_ , I might have come here with Mikey earlier," Gerard informed Frank with a sheepish look before turning back to the waitress. "I'm just going to get black coffee."

"Um - I want the strawberry pancakes please," Frank stuttered out when the waitress turned to him with her pencil poised over her small notepad.

"Okay, anything to drink?" she asked cheerfully.

"Coffee's good for me too," Frank finally answered, handing her his menu awkwardly in an attempt to get her away from the table as quickly as possible so he could question Gerard.

"Okay, well my name is Samantha, and just call if you need anything else."

"Yeah - okay..." Frank mumbled distractedly, too busy trying to catch Gerard's eye to grace her with a proper response, which had become a very difficult task since Gerard was staring at the table intently, like it was covered in secret messages that only he could see.

Frank's stomach began to twist violently as Gerard continued to avoid his gaze, and his earlier hunger was almost completely erased as he tried to figure out why Gerard hadn't told him that he had already eaten. It wasn't as if Gerard had lied, and even if he _had_ , it wasn't like Frank was one hundred percent honest with Gerard, but _still_ \- Frank couldn't help but feel guilty, _burdensome_ actually, and he honestly wished Gerard had never taken him here right now, even though Frank knew he was overreacting completely.

"Frank...you okay?" Gerard finally lifted his head, but now it was Frank's turn to avoid his gaze stubbornly.

"Why didn't you tell me you had already eaten...I could have gotten something on my own," Frank mumbled softly, still refusing to look up, just in case Gerard noticed how upset Frank had gotten over something so stupid.

"Because I wanted to take you out, not to mention there was no coffee at home, so this is a win/win situation for me," Gerard shrugged, reaching across the table to he could engulf Frank's hand in his larger ones, causing Frank to jolt slightly in surprise.

"I - I just feel _bad_ , you didn't have to go out of your way just for me," Frank sighed, but the simple pressure of Gerard's palm, coupled with the way Gerard was tracing his wrist lightly with his index finger had Frank calming down already, and he realized that none of this was important, and he should be grateful that Gerard wanted to spend time with him.

"Sugar...I _wanted_ to, and you sounded pretty upset earlier, so I thought maybe taking you out would cheer you up."

"I like when you call me that," Frank admitted softly, and _fuck_ \- he was blushing again, but Frank was starting to get used to the fact that he was constantly going to be reduced to a red faced mess around Gerard.

"Good, because I'm not going to stop," Gerard smirked, and it took all of the self-control Frank possessed to restrain himself from leaning across the table and kissing Gerard within an inch of his life.

The waitress returned just then, bringing their coffee with her, and once their cups were both filled with the steaming liquid, and the waitress had retreated to another table, Frank went back to gazing at Gerard with an adoring smile on his face.

"So...do you want to talk about whatever happened - like I said before, you totally don't have to, but sometimes it helps, and then sometimes it doesn't..." Gerard trailed off awkwardly, taking a large sip of his coffee that Frank was ninety-nine percent sure had scalded the shit out of his tongue.

"I don't really want to explain it right now, because it's a long story, and it's _stupid_ , and being around you makes me forget about all that shit for a little while, and that's helping a lot," Frank sighed, because even though he could tell that Gerard was truly curious about what Frank was hiding, Frank was nowhere near ready to spill his life out to Gerard just yet, and he didn't know if he ever would be.

"That's fine - I will keep you distracted then, I'm good at that."

"Oh yeah - how do you plan on occupying my attention," Frank teased, his mind instantly plunging into the gutter, but they were in public, and Frank really needed to calm down before he popped a boner in the family oriented restaurant.

"Well when I go out, which isn't often honestly, I love to people watch, and like - make up stories about their lives. I know it seems sort of stupid, but it is a really good way to pass the time," Gerard smiled widely, his mind obviously on a completely different track than Frank's, but Frank could sit and stare at a blank wall with Gerard and he would probably find it fascinating.

"Oh yeah - so what is that lady's story?" Frank pointed to an elderly woman seated by herself in the corner, truly curious to see what Gerard was going to come up with.

"Hmm...well, she is alone, so maybe her husband passed away some time ago - not too recently, because she doesn't seem weighed down by sorrow, but she still can't bear to come here with anyone else just yet. This is where they came on the first date, and this place holds a special spot in her heart, so on the anniversary of his death, she comes here to remember him." Gerard's eyes got a faraway look in them as he spoke, and Frank had to shake himself when Gerard finished his story, because he had actually gotten lost in the words that Gerard had woven around him like a soft blanket.

" _Wow_...that was really good."

"Thanks - now it's your turn...how about...him?" Gerard pointed to a man who might have been in his late forties, a briefcase laying on the seat beside him and a stack of papers on the table.

"Uh - well, he's an important lawyer, or something, but his job has taken over his life, and he literally works twenty-four/seven, and he is starting to regret where he has ended up. Yeah - he has money, and a nice house, but he couldn't even get time off work for his parents funeral, and he has been single for ages. If he was given a chance to go back and do it all over again, he would change everything, maybe take out that girl who smiled at him the other night instead of ignoring her because of all the work he has to do, and...um - that's all I got," Frank chuckled, glancing at Gerard for approval of his fictional tale.

"Wow Frank, you are a natural at this." Frank blushed at Gerard's compliment, but before he could respond, the waitress arrived with Frank's pancakes and a refill of coffee, and Frank was distracted by the steaming platter set before him.

Frank ignored Gerard's stifled giggles as Frank dug into his food, because _yes_ \- his table manners weren't the best, but Frank was fucking _hungry_ , and Gerard could laugh all he wanted, but Frank was determined to take the biggest bite of pancakes he could fit into his mouth without choking.

"Oh my god Frank - slow down before you hurt yourself," Gerard chucked, earning a glare from Frank as he swallowed the large mouthful of food determinedly.

" _Fuck you_ \- I'm hungry okay," Frank mumbled sullenly, but he couldn't hide the way his lips turned up slightly in a smile he was trying his best to keep obscured from Gerard.

"I see that."

"Thank you by the way - for _this_ , for taking me out, for actually caring enough to call and check up on me," Frank spoke up after a few more silent minutes passed as Frank continued to eat.

"You don't have to thank me Frank," Gerard waved him off, but Frank was determined to let Gerard know how much this simple gesture meant to him.

"But I do...because - _fuck_ , I don't know how to explain this without sounding pathetic, but it's been ages since someone has done this for me, and it means a lot, especially coming from you, because I really like you, and I never thought you would like me back, but you do, and that means the fucking _world_ to me." Frank snapped his mouth shut before he said anything else, even though he already felt like he had spilled too much.

"Oh Frank... _of course_ I like you, and even though this has all happened really quickly, and I barely know you, I feel like I do, and I want to know more, and I know I'm moving too fast, or whatever, but I'm always going to be here for you - _seriously_ , whenever you need to get away, or just need someone to call, you have me okay?"

"Okay...I will remember that."

Frank returned to eating after that, because he had no idea what else to say, and he was trying his best to fight back the horde of butterflies that were throwing themselves against his stomach as Gerard's words sunk in, but Gerard seemed to understand that, and he stayed silent as well, humming a nameless tune as he continued to sip on his coffee every now and then, and _fuck_ \- Frank had never been happier than he was right now.

And even though nothing had changed, and Frank's life was still pretty shitty, in a way, it seemed like the addition of Gerard into it had made Frank's existence one million times better, and Frank actually had something to look forward to now - he had _hope_ , and that might just be all Frank needed to make it through another day, another week, another _year_.

Because even if Gerard wasn't by Frank's side that entire time, there was the slim chance that he _might_ be, and that in itself made Frank want to wake up and face tomorrow, because somehow - Gerard made Frank's life worth living again, and Frank couldn't remember the last time he had been able to honestly say that before today.


	12. No Thanks For The Memories Pete

Frank was currently bundled up in Pete's bed, a box of pizza squeezed between the two of them, the heat from the cardboard making Frank's thigh slightly uncomfortable, but not so much that he felt bothered to move, that involved _effort_ after all, and Frank was more than content to sit there and watch Pete fumble with the remote to his crappy DVD player, trying his best to get the movie to start playing - something called V for Vendetta, and apparently Frank hadn't lived until he had experienced this masterpiece - Pete's words, not Frank's.

As Pete stuck his tongue out, his face set in a mask of concentration, Frank reclined back onto the pillow he had placed behind his back, reaching for a slice of pizza idly as he did so. After a few more minutes of buttons being pushed, and Pete getting increasingly more frustrated, ending in him finally getting up and turning on the device manually, Pete flopped back down onto the bed, smiling triumphantly as if he had just discovered the cure for cancer, instead of simply successfully powering up a DVD player.

"You are going to love this, believe me," Pete assured Frank before grabbing his own slice of pizza, silence following his statement since Pete's mouth was otherwise occupied, and Frank didn't feel the need to respond with words, letting a soft hum suffice for an answer instead.

Frank truly tried to relax and pay attention to movie, but a nagging sense of unease at the back of his mind refused to let him unwind completely, which was a strange occurrence, especially _here_. Pete's house had always been like home to Frank, it was the only place he could be himself, and even though that hadn't changed, _something_ had, and Frank had a feeling that something was named _Gerard_.

Because as much as Frank loved being here, a part of his heart was now trapped within the walls of Gerard's apartment, or wherever Gerard currently was, and even though Frank would never voice it aloud, he couldn't help but wonder what he would be doing if he was with Gerard instead of Pete, and even though Frank felt like a terrible friend for thinking this way, he would be lying if he said he didn't want to be at Gerard's place right now instead of with Pete.

It had been a week since Frank had met Gerard, even though sometimes it seemed as if Frank had known Gerard forever, yet at the same time, seven days had never passed so quickly in Frank's life. He hadn't even realized that he had been avoiding Pete's house in the favor of Gerard's company, because that hadn't been his intention - _not at all_ , but when Pete had borderline begged Frank to come over today, Frank couldn't refuse him.

And it wasn't as if Frank didn't want to be here, because he _did_ ; he loved spending time with Pete, and he didn't want to become one of those people who ignored their friends as soon as they got in a relationship, not that Frank and Gerard were _actually_ together, they hadn't discussed any sort of status anyway, and Frank was too much of a coward to bring that topic up any time soon.

Frank was assured that Gerard wanted him in his life though, because they hadn't gone a day without seeing each other since that first night, and Frank hadn't even been the one to initiate most of it; actually, it was Gerard who was constantly inviting Frank over, and even though Frank was finding it difficult to juggle work, and his mother, and Gerard, he managed, and now he just needed to remember to include Pete into that equation.

Frank felt guilty for his sudden absence from Pete's life, mostly because he hadn't explained the reason yet. Pete had texted Frank quite a few times over the past week, asking if everything was all right, because Frank's random disappearing act had obviously thrown him, but Frank couldn't bring himself to mention Gerard just yet, instead, he made up some flippant excuse, citing work and little sleep as justification for his distant attitude, and Pete had been buying it - until _today_ that is.

A part of Frank wanted to tell Pete all about Gerard; he wanted to gush like a schoolgirl whose crush had finally asked them out, he wanted to go into explicit detail about every moment of their time together - minus the sex of course, which, now that Frank thought about it, was a _large_ majority of their activities, but Frank hadn't yet, and he wasn't one hundred percent sure why.

Frank trusted Pete, and he knew that he would never tell anyone about his tryst with an older man; Pete already knew about Frank's perchance for hookups, and it wasn't as if Pete could truly cause any damage with the information, even if his mother found out, she would probably forget within days, so that wasn't the reason for Frank's reluctance, but it was hard to put his finger on exactly what was making him stay silent on the subject of Gerard.

Maybe it was the fact that Pete was always bemoaning the fact that he hadn't found a boyfriend yet, and he would usually end those tirades with a soft smile, coupled by _"at least I always have you Frank"_ , and Frank wasn't entirely sure how Pete would react to the fact that Frank was seeing someone, instead of just having one night stands, and Frank didn't want to do anything to drive his best friend away.

But in all honesty, it was because Gerard seemed too good to be real, like a ghost that would disappear if anyone else knew of his existence, or a dream that Frank was living in, and telling Pete - or _anyone_ really - would shatter the illusion. Gerard was Frank's secret, the only thing he had in the world that not one person knew about, and even though Frank wasn't in the habit of obscuring parts of his life from his best friend, Gerard was changing that.

Gerard was changing _everything_ actually, most of all Frank, because Frank was actually _happy_ lately; he was walking into work with a smile on his face, caused by the fact that he knew he would see Gerard after, and even his mother's ever increasing oddities had ceased to bother him as much now that he had Gerard there to support him.

Not that Gerard knew anything about his mother, or his personal life; Frank had managed to keep the topic of their conversations away from all things relating to that, and distracting Gerard was almost too easy of a task; all Frank had to do was mention anything that Gerard was remotely interested in, and the older man would go off on a tangent, completely forgetting their previous discussion in favor of the new one.

Gerard had ranted for almost an hour about the color black the other day, pointing out how it was so strange that both Frank and his shirts were technically black, but they weren't the same color, so that should be impossible, before proceeding to try and rename all of the shades of black, ranging from ebony to faded dusk, and Frank had listened raptly the entire time.

Frank loved hearing Gerard talk, and he almost looked forward to the quiet times in which they both rambled about nothing at all even more than the sex that usually came before or after, not that Frank didn't love the sex, it got better every time, and Frank was actually in awe over how good Gerard was in bed, but he really needed to stop thinking about that before he got hard, so Frank forcibly turned his mind away from that train of thought.

Shaking his head groggily, Frank took a bite of his now cooling pizza, trying his best to tune back into the movie, which was proving a difficult task since he had missed most of the opening sequence thanks to his Gerard based daydreams. Frank really couldn't help himself though, because if he wasn't with Gerard, he was thinking about him, or texting him, and Frank would have been worried about coming of as clingy if Gerard didn't act the exact same way.

Gerard seemed almost more attached to Frank than Frank was to him, which was impossible of course, Frank simply tried to hide his burning desire to be around the man twenty-four/seven, but still - it felt so fucking _good_ to be wanted, and Gerard made Frank feel that in spades, which was better than the sex, better than the time away from home, and Frank was beginning to realize that this was what he had been searching for his entire life.

Every hookup, every drunken night had been Frank looking for this, for someone who wanted Frank around for more than one evening, for someone who didn't know anything about Frank's past, or his future, and who didn't really care, or pry, they simply wanted Frank in their life, and Gerard did _exactly_ that, as if he knew just what Frank needed, and he was determined to be there for Frank no matter what.

Frank wondered if Gerard felt the same way, and if he was using Frank in a similar fashion, because it was obvious that Gerard wasn't living the perfect life, and he had some demons that Frank could only guess at, the heavy drinking was a dead giveaway to that, not to mention the look Frank saw in his eyes at times which so closely mirrored Frank's own internal sorrow.

Frank might just be imaging it, but Gerard seemed so tortured, especially when Frank witnessed his conversations with Mikey, and Frank wanted to soothe away the stress lines that would appear over his eyes whenever some unhappy thought passed through his head, but Frank didn't know how, because he was clueless as to what was wrong, and he had no idea what plagued Gerard so deeply that even an almost stranger like Frank noticed.

It didn't help that Gerard maintained a cheerful disposition around Frank most of the time, and it was almost flawless, so much so that Frank could nearly convince himself that he had fabricated Gerard's internal turmoil, but it slipped every so often, and even though Frank pretended not to notice, he _did_.

It was always only for a second, but Frank was beginning to see a pattern; certain words set him off, especially any mentions of the band he and Mikey had once been in, which Frank had learned early on to avoid that particular topic, thanks to a nasty argument he had walked into between the brothers one day, but it wasn't just that.

Mikey himself was a sensitive subject for Gerard, and any allusion to his addiction had Gerard flinching slightly, but as with the band, those were all understandable, and easily explained, but there were some triggers which Frank had a harder time deciphering.

The word perfect for example, but only when directed at him; Gerard could whisper into Frank's ear how flawless, and wonderful, and yes - _perfect_ he was for hours, but the second Frank said it back, Gerard shut down, his face immediately falling into a stony mask, and it had only taken Frank a few slips up to discover the fact that the supposed compliment only hurt Gerard, and he did his best to diversify his vocabulary for Gerard's sake.

But Frank hadn't asked why - _not once_ , because that wouldn't have been fair at all; Gerard never pushed Frank to open up about his issues, so Frank refused to do the same, even though the curiosity was already eating him up inside, and they had only been seeing each other for a week, so Frank could only imagine how much more intense the desire to know was going to grow over time, but he was determined to continue ignoring it for as long as possible.

Frank couldn't help it though, he wanted to know every last minute detail about Gerard, from his shoe size to his darkest secret, because everything Frank did learn about the man was fascinating, even if they were only small tidbits or hinted at events, Frank drank everything in, but he was never satisfied with the knowledge he managed to glean, and he was left wanting more.

But Frank couldn't pry, because then he might be expected to reciprocate with information of his own, and then Gerard might uncover the lie Frank was so desperately trying to pass off as the truth, which was his _age_ of course, because if Gerard discovered that fact, this could all be over before it even began, and Frank refused to take that risk.

And now that Frank really thought about it, their relationship - or _whatever_ this was - was built on falsehoods, and evasions, and sex, and even though that fact should have bothered him, it didn't, because Frank liked Gerard, _really_ liked Gerard, and he would do anything to keep him in his life, no matter the consequences in the end, because that was in the future, and Gerard made Frank want to live in the now.

"Frank - are you even paying attention?" Pete sighed in annoyance, causing Frank to jump slightly in a manner that clearly proved that _no_ \- he had not been, but he still decided to try and save face before Pete got even more irritated with him.

"Yeah - sorry, you just startled me," Frank nodded, taking a bite out of his pizza so he would have an excuse not to say anything else.

"Really - then what is the main girl's name." Pete cocked on eyebrow in Frank's direction, and even though Frank knew he was fucked, he took his best shot in the dark anyway.

"Uhh - V?" Frank shrugged, and the accompanying eye roll he received from Pete told Frank that he had missed spectacularly.

"Ugh..." Pete sighed, reaching for the remote before pausing the movie angrily. "This movie is fucking _amazing_ Frank - how can you not be into it?" Pete asked, the genuine distress in his voice making Frank stifle a giggle, because it seemed as if Pete would be crushed if Frank didn't end up enjoying this film, as if he had spent his entire life producing it, instead of just stumbling across it last week.

"I am - I'm _sorry_...I was just thinking," Frank apologized, mentally chastising himself for letting Gerard take over his mind when he should have been focused on spending time with Pete, he had already ignored his best friend enough for one week after all.

"Just thinking..." Pete scoffed, turning his body toward Frank's suddenly. "Frank - are you okay? Seriously, you have seemed really off lately, and I'm trying not to be worried, but I am, and I just want to help - _you know?_ " Pete pleaded, and Frank sighed heavily, because having Pete ask him if he was okay had the opposite effect of when Gerard did it, and Frank found himself growing slightly defensive, instead of wanting to open up like he knew Pete wanted him to.

"Nothing is wrong Pete, I just zoned out - _okay?_ " Frank whined, trying to avoid Pete's gaze so he wouldn't feel even worse than he already did, because - _yes_ \- nothing was wrong, but Frank was hiding something, and he didn't want Pete to see the truth in his eyes.

"Bullshit Frank - fucking _bullshit_. If you don't want to tell me, that's fine, you can just say so," Pete sulked, leaving Frank fighting back another wave of guilt as Pete turned his back angrily.

"Pete...it's not like that, I _promise_. I'm fine actually, better than I have been in a long time." Frank placed his hand softy on Pete's back, trying to ignore the way Pete attempted to shrug off his kind touch.

And Frank knew he had fucked himself here, and it was either tell Pete about Gerard, or risk losing his best friend over a stupid secret that he didn't have any reason for keeping, and _really_ \- the choice shouldn't have been a difficult one at all, but Frank found himself biting his tongue, holding the treasure that was Gerard to his chest for one moment longer before he revealed it to the world.

"I - I'm seeing someone Pete," Frank mumbled softly, holding his breath as Pete turned around with an incredulous look on his face, and Frank couldn't decipher if Pete's expression was happy, or crushed, or anything in between.

"What...like a person - an _actual_ person?" Pete asked curiously, his eyes raking Frank up and down as if he would find proof of Frank's words somewhere upon his person.

"No Pete, he's a fucking horse - _of course_ he's a person...his name is Gerard," Frank ended on a whisper, as if Gerard's name was something precious that needed to be voiced with care.

"Gerard...do I know him - how did you meet - can I meet him?" Pete began bombarding Frank with questions, and Frank had to hold up both hands in a gesture of surrender before Pete snapped his mouth closed and waited for Frank to continue.

"Okay, first off - _no_ , you don't know him, he only recently moved back to Jersey, even though he was born here, and how we met is a long story, basically, I dragged his high brother home, and he was there, and _no_ \- you can't meet him," Frank huffed out, hoping that his pathetic explanation would be enough for Pete to shut up and turn the movie back on, but Frank really should had known Pete better by now.

"Wait - you _what_ , and I - I have so many questions to ask I don't even know where to start," Pete chuckled, angling his body toward Frank's with an eager look on his face.

"Pete...I don't want this to turn into a interrogation - _please_. He's a cute guy I met one night, and we fucked, and now we are something, not _together_ \- not _really_ , just a thing, that's all," Frank sighed, and _really_ , all of that was the truth, even though Gerard was so much more to Frank then that, he just didn't know how to put it into words.

"When did this happen?" Pete fired off before Frank was even finished speaking.

"A week ago, last Tuesday actually."

"A week...what the hell Frank - why didn't you tell me sooner? This is why you have been acting so off isn't it, because of this guy, is he upsetting you?" Pete's face took on an angry cast, and even though Frank loved the fact that Pete was so protective over him, he didn't expect Pete to immediately jump to ill formed conclusions involving Gerard, and Frank found himself stammering over his own words in an attempt to clear Gerard's name.

"No - _fuck no_ , he's perfect Pete, like genuinely _perfect_ , and he makes me really happy, and I'm so sorry I have been distant lately, I have no excuse, I just got caught up in him, but I won't do it again - I promise." Frank wrapped his arm around his friend, hoping the physical affection would soften up Pete more than his words.

"Oh...well that's great then, I just don't understand why you hid him from me," Pete mumbled against Frank's shoulder.

"I didn't do it on purpose, I just - I was scared to say anything at first in case it ended, because I still don't understand what the fuck he sees in me, but then...it just didn't seem like something I could type out in a text, and I was going to tell you..." Frank shifted uncomfortably, unsure of how else to explain the crazy mess that resided in his head, with Gerard at the center of it of course.

"It's okay Frank...I _just_ \- it doesn't matter, I'm really happy for you okay?" Frank peered down at Pete curiously, because Pete sounded anything but happy, but he was smiling up at Frank when their eyes met, and Pete was probably just upset about not being told the second this happened. Frank knew he had some making up to do, so he brushed it off; calling Pete out on his tone wouldn't be helpful in the slightest, and Frank was content with the fact that Pete wasn't pushing Frank away from the embracing he was holding Pete in.

"Are you sure I can't meet him?" Pete mumbled sullenly a few minutes later.

"No Pete - that's just weird, we aren't even really dating, or _whatever_..." Frank chuckled, trying to lessen the sting of his rejection with a laugh.

"Well why aren't you together - it sort of sounds like you are, maybe you should ask him where you guys stand...or something like that?"

"Because he's an adult Pete, and this isn't like a high school relationship, and I don't want to go all _'so are we official'_ on him - I barely known the guy yet," Frank tried to explain, because really, he felt stupid even thinking of having that conversation with Gerard, he wasn't even sure if that's how things went when you got older - _hell_ \- Frank honestly didn't know the first thing about relationships, and Gerard was the last person he wanted to make aware of that fact.

"Oh - okay," Pete sighed, staying silent after that for a few moments before he spoke again. "So...I know you don't like a lot of questions, but I have to ask this one...how old is he? I know most of your hookups are borderline ancient," Pete giggled quietly, sitting up so he could grab another slice of pizza before turning back to Frank was an inquisitive stare.

"Fuck you Pete - they aren't _that_ old, and Gerard, he's twenty-six," Frank admitted, but Pete did have a point, and Frank had hooked up with men twice Gerard's age, so Pete's curiosity was validated.

"And he's okay with the fact that you are still technically a minor?"

" _Uh_ \- he doesn't actually know, he thinks I'm nineteen." Frank tried to act casual, shrugging slightly as his insides twisted uncomfortably, because voicing his lie aloud made it all the more real, and Frank didn't want to face his mistakes, _not yet_ anyway.

"Do I even need to point out how stupid of an idea that was, because it was _really_ fucking stupid," Pete scoffed, his eyebrows scrunched down in an expression of disbelief.

"It doesn't matter Pete, because he's never going to find out, and it's not like we are together, or in love, or _anything_ like that. We are just fucking, and we enjoy each other's company, so he doesn't need to know my age," Frank retorted, perhaps a bit harsher than he had originally intended to, but he was done with this conversation, and he needed to make sure that Pete understood that as well.

"Okay...but what happens when he does fall in love with you, because honestly Frank - _he will_ , unless he's crazy, or you will, and it will be a mess, and you know that," Pete argued back, but his tone was soft, soothing almost, because Pete knew he was walking a fine line, and Frank could snap at any moment.

"It won't Pete, or he won't at least, because he is so far out of my league, and _okay_ \- maybe I could see myself falling for him one day, but even if I do, it won't matter..." Frank exhaled heavily, not willingly to explain any more, but he knew that Pete understood what Frank was trying and failing to voice.

"Frank - I hate when you do this, because people _can_ love you - okay, and you deserve love, more than _anyone_ , and I don't know this Gerard, but he likes you, and if you let him in, he could love you one day...I just wish you could see how amazing you are," Pete trailed off awkwardly, his gaze fixed on the paused movie instead of at Frank.

"I want to believe you Pete - _I do_ , but I can't. Even if someone loved me, I would only bring them down, and I can't get my hopes up - _okay_...I just want to enjoy whatever we have while it lasts, so please stop," Frank whispered, trying to curl in on himself as if that would stop his fears from rising to the surface, even though they had already awoken and were swimming around inside of his stomach lazily.

"I'm sorry Frank, I didn't mean to make you upset...it's _just_ \- I've never heard you talk this way about a guy before, and I don't want you to get hurt, but now I've fucked up, and I'm so fucking sorry." Pete did sound truly sorry, and it wasn't Pete's fault that Frank was so fucked up, so he leaned into Pete's side gently, trying to use his touch to let his friend know that everything was okay, even though it _wasn't_ , but Frank refused to show how much Pete's words had shaken him.

This was why Frank hadn't wanted to talk about Gerard, because Pete's insights had Frank terrified of everything again, and he didn't want to question Gerard's intentions, or how they might feel about each other in a few weeks, or months, or _whatever_ , because it didn't help anything, and it only made Frank even more apprehensive and nervous then he already was naturally.

It had been only last night when Frank had been perfectly content living in the moment, but now that was all shattered thanks to a few words, and Frank both loved and hated how Pete knew him so well, because even though he needed to face the harsh reality of his situation, he didn't want to, but Pete stripped everything away; he ruined the perfect illusion that being with Gerard conjured in Frank's mind, and Frank wanted that back, no matter how false it was.

Frank knew he had fucked up this relationship with Gerard from the start, but now that he was reminded of it, he couldn't help but regret his lie, but it's not like telling the truth would have done any good; Gerard would have simply thrown Frank out his front door without a second glance, and Frank couldn't live with that - he just _couldn't_.

But Gerard had said that age was just a number, and maybe he meant it, because Frank may not know Gerard very well, but he didn't seem like the sort of person to spout words without any true belief in them, and Frank would be eighteen in a few months. He would tell him then, Frank decided, because if Gerard still wanted Frank in his life by that point, he deserved the truth, but only time would tell if this would last long enough for Frank to let Gerard in.

"It's okay Pete, I'll tell him eventually...just not right now," Frank smiled softly, a genuine smile, because even though looking ahead was terrifying, imagining a future with Gerard in it was anything but, and maybe Pete was right, maybe this was _something_ , and maybe one day, this could turn into a real relationship - into _love_ even, and for once, Frank wanted to look at all the things that could go right, instead of everything that most likely would go wrong.


	13. Bert McCracken Is Always Right - Never Doubt The Wisdom Of Bert

Gerard found himself walking down the street at just a little after noon, which was a rare occurrence for the borderline recluse, because even though he _did_ leave the house at some point, that was usually only for cigarettes and booze, and half of the time, Gerard managed to convince Mikey to procure those item for him, so it wasn't every day that Gerard willingly emerged from his apartment without a very good reason.

Gerard did have some motivation for his impromptu journey though, which came in the form of Bert, who seemed determined to make sure that Gerard experienced the outside world at least _once_ a month, and after Gerard had turned him down on his invitation for drinks the other week, Gerard knew it was only a matter of time before Bert attempted to see Gerard again, so he had been expecting the phone call he received this morning asking him to meet up.

And even though Gerard usually avoided things like this, because he _hated_ going out, not to mention _walking_ , he was pleasantly surprised with how much he was enjoying himself at the moment, and he did feel guilty for putting Bert off for so long, and he really had no excuse or reason to cancel on him today, not with Frank busy with something until later in the evening.

It helped that the weather was perfect; one of those days where the sky was overcast, but not quite gloomy, and the sun peeked through the clouds every now and then, providing just enough light to illuminate the dingy streets, but also the perfect amount of shadows to make them appear much more beautiful than they actually were, casting a sense of ethereal wonder to the small city that enraptured Gerard completely.

The cracked pavement beneath Gerard's feet guided his steps as his head craned around, taking in the sights that rarely graced his eyes, because even though Gerard had moved back here almost two months ago, he had never bothered to explore the area around his apartment, knowing where the closest bar and corner store was good enough for him, and if he ventured anywhere else, he typically drove, but for some reason, walking had seemed much more appealing today.

Gerard couldn't remember the last time he had done this, walked just for the pleasure of it, with no reason to hurry or panic, taking in the ordinary sights that had somehow become _extraordinary_ , and Gerard made a mental note to himself to indulge in this more often, because it was as if his forward motion was stripping all of his demons away, the heavy aura that usually clouded his thoughts getting tangled in his steps before sloughing off of him like an unwanted skin, and maybe if Gerard kept walking for long enough, everything would be _okay_ again, or maybe not, but it didn't hurt to try.

This area was different to where Gerard had grown up, but similar all at the same time; the same seedy alleys threaded in-between houses in all states from rundown to brand new, more apartment buildings than his old neighborhood had possessed, more shops, but less people, as if everyone had somewhere to be, and they couldn't waste their time ambling down the streets, or maybe Gerard had just gotten lucky, and he had picked the rare hour in which this neighborhood saw some form of peace.

Gerard almost didn't want this walk to end, because he was truly enjoying this solitude, not only from his surroundings, but from his _mind_ , because for once, it had shut up for a short time, and he was more than content gazing at the dry trees and stubborn weeds, without any memories assaulting him, because this place was new, and he held no association to any of this. It was _pure_ , and untouched, at least to Gerard, and even though he had moved back home to face his past, he wasn't prepared for that just yet, which is why he had chosen an area far removed from his childhood haunts.

Gerard couldn't explain to himself why he had returned to Jersey after everything fell apart, because it wasn't a happy place for him, or at least, it _hadn't_ been, but in the end, Gerard didn't know where else to go, and at least Bert was here, and Ray had decided to move back as well, and Gerard wasn't brave enough to make a completely new start in another city, another state, not yet anyway.

Gerard hadn't informed his parents of his homecoming, not that he spoke to them on a daily basis - or _ever_ , but it felt strange being in such close proximity to them; a twenty minute drive would have him outside of their front door, but Gerard would never make that journey - why would he? He had burned down that bridge a long time ago, or his parents had, but either way, it didn't matter, because he hadn't come back home for them, that was for certain.

Gerard had reached the coffee shop Bert had suggested they meet at by this point, so he brushed away all thoughts of the past for now; he could see Bert already seated at a small booth through the clean glass windows - he was always early to everything, especially anything to do with Gerard, as if he was afraid that Gerard would leave if he wasn't there first, which had happened once or twice in the past, so it wasn't as if Bert's habit had no reasoning behind it, but Gerard didn't have any plans of slipping out today.

Sometimes Gerard wondered why Bert continued to put up with him, because Gerard was well aware that he was a shitty friend, and he didn't make it easy for Bert to stick by him, or _anyone_ really, but he and Bert had history, they had the horrors of high school bonding them together, and theirs was the one friendship that hadn't died out after Gerard had graduated, and even if Gerard didn't show it, he was secretly grateful for Bert's continued persistence to be a part of his life, because without him, he would have no one but Mikey.

Bert spotted Gerard as he pushed open the heavy door leading into the air condition shop, and with a wave and a gesture, Bert beckoned him over, pointing to the two cups gracing the faded oak table in front of him, and Gerard couldn't help but smile when he realized that Bert had already ordered for him, saving him the trouble of doing it himself.

"Hey," Gerard greeted his longtime friend as he plopped into the booth gratefully, brushing his hair out of his face as he did so.

"I wasn't sure if you were going to show," Bert chuckled, his blue grey eyes crinkling at the corners as he grinned.

"I would have texted you if I wasn't," Gerard shrugged, pulling his styrofoam cup of coffee closer to his side of the table, inhaling the wisps of steam rising from it gratefully.

"I know, but you were _late_ , and after last time..." Bert trailed off, taking a sip of his own beverage instead of finishing his sentence.

"Late?" Gerard glanced to the rounded clock hanging on the wall, seeing that it was in fact almost forty-five minutes past the time of their agreed meet up. "Oh - I'm sorry, I decided to walk, and I got distracted, but I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you waiting."

"It's okay," Bert assured his friend, and Gerard shrugged off the slight feeling of guilt that had settled onto his shoulders, because he had tried to be on time, and Bert didn't seem to care, but Gerard still felt bad. "So...how are you holding up, I got worried when I didn't hear from you for a while, and I know it's been two years now since Elena's death..."

"I -I'm okay, I'm _coping_ at least, I don't know..." Gerard mumbled weakly. "How are you?" Gerard asked, trying to turn the subject away from his grandmother's death before the sorrow that constantly lurked at the back of his mind evolved into something he couldn't handle.

Bert instantly launched into a tirade about his job, sensing Gerard's unease and doing his best to dissipate it with small talk; he worked as a computer programmer for some company that Gerard couldn't recall the name of, and even though Bert really did love what he did, he worked with a bunch of idiots, and Bert seemed to spend half of the time fixing their mistakes instead of doing any of his own work, and Gerard had no idea how he hadn't quit yet.

"What about you, your job starts in about a week right?" Bert questioned once he had wrapped up his story about how his coworker had deleted half of the files off the main computer, and Bert had spent two days recovering all of them.

"It does..." Gerard sighed, his expression growing gloomy as he realized that his days of freedom were almost at an end, but he needed to make money somehow; the funds from the band days wouldn't last forever, and with Mikey stubbornly refusing to find employment, Gerard had to step up sometime.

" _Hey_ \- don't look so sad, I think this will be good for you. It's not the same as...well - _you know_ ," Bert tactically avoided saying _the band_ , because he knew Gerard wouldn't take kindly to that, "but you will be still be involved in music in a way, just _teaching_ it instead of making it, and I am sure you will love it."

"Oh yeah, trying to get a bunch of high school kids to give a shit about music theory is a dream come true," Gerard scoffed, shuddering slightly as he imagined himself trying to control a classroom of unruly adolescents, but that was about to become his reality very soon, so he needed to get used to the idea.

"Well...at least it is a private school - those kids seem to care more sometimes, and it's an elective too, so they wouldn't have signed up for it if they weren't at least slightly interested in music." Bert's reasoning did make sense, but it didn't make Gerard feel any better. He wasn't ready for this, not in the slightest, and even though he had his teaching degree, he didn't have any classroom experience, so he was clueless about what to expect.

" _Maybe_...I hope so, but in the end, it's just a job, and even if I hate it, I should be okay." Gerard was trying to stay positive today after all, and he really didn't want to talk about his job any longer, and Bert seemed to catch onto that, he was an expert at reading Gerard's moods, and he always knew just when to change the subject.

"So...anything else new in your life?" The sly way Bert asked the question had Gerard fighting down a sudden blush, because his mind instantly jumped to Frank of course; Frank was the best thing in his life right now, and he realized that he hadn't yet informed Bert about his newfound relationship - if it could even be called that yet, but Gerard liked to think of it that way.

" _Well_...there is a guy," Gerard chuckled, gazing down into his coffee cup instead of at his friend, hoping to hide his red cheeks and dreamy eyes.

"Oh my god - _really_ , tell me everything," Bert exclaimed, sounding like the epitome of a teenage white girl squealing over her best friend's crush, all the scene needed was some obnoxious hand waving and their coffee cups to be from Starbucks, but Gerard hadn't been with anyone in ages, not _properly_ , and Bert was constantly trying to set him up, with terrible results, so his enthusiasm was understandable.

"Yeah, his name's Frank, and he's amazing, I don't even know how to explain him. He's just... _perfect_ , and I really like him."

"I need more details then that Gee," Bert rolled his eyes, leaving Gerard to wrack his brain for some interesting facts about Frank, and he was forced to come to the conclusion that he didn't know hardly anything concrete about Frank, not that it mattered, but Gerard was left at a loss for what to say.

"Well...he's nineteen, and he works at a restaurant - we met because of Mikey actually, he dragged him home when he found him high off his ass at a bar one night - he's sweet like that, and we just clicked, and he makes me feel good about myself, and I want to be around him all of the time."

" _Nineteen_...that's pretty young Gee," Bert stated in a worried tone of voice, not that Gerard was surprised; he knew their age gap was large, but he didn't really give a shit, because he liked Frank, and Frank liked him, so why should anything else matter.

"It's _legal_ , and he seems older than he is; he's been through a lot, I don't know what, but it's made him grow up really fast, and he's just different, he's _special_...I don't know how else to explain it."

"How long have you been seeing him?" Bert asked, trying to hold back the chuckle that was currently rising in his throat as he watched Gerard's face take on a love struck cast when he talked about Frank.

"Two weeks now, at least, I _think_ so; time has been weird for me lately, but he's been over almost every day, so it seems like longer in my head sometimes," Gerard tried to explain, because it really did feel as if he had known Frank for ages, even though he knew most people would consider them barely more than acquaintances - well...acquaintances that fucked a hell of a lot. 

"So is this just a casual thing, or are you two getting serious already?" Bert continued to pry, and for once, he had managed to find a topic that Gerard didn't mind talking about, because he could gush about Frank for hours and never get bored, even though this particular query had Gerard racking his brain for an answer.

"I - I don't know yet, but I want it to be something, and I think he does too - _fuck_ Bert - you should see the way he looks at me sometimes when he thinks I'm not paying attention; it's like...I'm the most fascinating thing he has ever seen, or _something_ like that, and he literally hangs on to my every word, even when I'm just rambling about nothing, and it is sort of weird that someone finds me so interesting, but I like it, and I like _him_...it's hard to explain, but I don't think he's just fucking around with me."

"Are you sure though, like - have you asked him if you are exclusive, or _whatever_ you want to be, because if you haven't, he might be getting the wrong idea of what this means to you," Bert pressed, and even though Gerard knew his friend was just trying to be helpful, he didn't want to think of Frank in a negative light, and he found himself instantly jumping to Frank's defense.

"He's not a dick Bert, and it's not like all we do is fuck - we _talk_ too, and watch movies, and cuddle, like a proper couple, like _boyfriends_ , or whatever," Gerard huffed, because even though he didn't actually like the term _"boyfriends"_ , it just seemed too cliché a title for two people who enjoyed each other's company, and he hadn't labeled anyone as such since high school, he wouldn't mind being able to call Frank his.

"How long did it take for you guys to start having sex?" Bert asked, one eyebrow arched in a knowing manner.

"Why does that matter Bert?" Gerard shot back, crossing his arms across his chest sullenly, as if the simple gesture could protect him from Bert's never ending questions, even though his adverse reaction was more of an answer than any words, and he knew Bert already knew that it hadn't been long at all.

"Because it _does_ Gee, and you know it, just like you know I'm not trying to hurt you - _fuck_ \- I'm trying to protect you from getting hurt, and I don't want this to be Colton all over again," Bert sighed heavily, an earnest expression plastered across his face, and Gerard knew that his friend was only looking out for his best interests, no matter how much Gerard didn't think he needed looking out for.

But Bert had good reasoning for his protective behavior, because he had been left to deal with the pieces of Gerard after Colton had broken his heart - actually - he had _destroyed_ it completely, and even though so much of the aftermath of that relationship was a blur of alcohol and drugs to Gerard, he knew it had been messy, and Gerard had been left a shell of what he once was, and if it wasn't for Bert, he would never have been able to glue himself back together again, and even with his help, Gerard hadn't been able to reconstruct himself perfectly.

Colton had been his first boyfriend - or so Gerard thought; a blonde haired, green eyed senior that Gerard had been crushing on for years, and when he finally asked Gerard out on a date, Gerard couldn't believe his luck, because someone like Colton should never have looked twice at the chunky, greasy, black clad lump that had been teenage Gerard Way, but he _had_ , and Gerard had been too naive to even consider the possibility that this might have been too good to be true.

It was all a set up though, an elaborate, cruel bet made up by Colton's friends, because whoever could claim Gerard Way's virginity, as well as break his heart in the process, would win the game, or _whatever_ the fuck it was, and Gerard was left clueless to the fact that he was only a pawn in Colton's twisted scheme, and without thinking twice, Gerard gave his everything to the gorgeous boy that Gerard was so convinced truly loved him.

Gerard had always fallen hard, even back then, and Colton was no exception, so within a month, Gerard was convinced that he had found his soul mate, that Colton was the _one_ , and he was ready to cement his feelings with the intimate act of sex. It had been amazing, and painful, and not entirely what Gerard thought his first time would be like, but he didn't care, because it was with _Colton_ , and Gerard had fallen asleep that night with thoughts of the future and a small smile tugging on his swollen lips.

But the next morning dawned, and Colton seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth, and even though Gerard attempted to be patient, and he tried to wait for Colton to reach out to him, after two days of ignored text messages and phone calls ending in voicemails, Gerard worked up the courage to go over to his house and find out why the love of his life was mysteriously absent.

Gerard had a dozen theories as to why Colton was being distant, ranging from a simple cold that was keeping him bedridden to Gerard being a terrible lay, and _everything_ in between, but never in his wildest imaginings had Gerard expected to find Colton healthy and active, laughing and joking with his friends when Gerard tentatively pushed open the door to his home, which was always left unlocked during the day for some odd reason.

Gerard couldn't really remember the exact sequence of events that followed, all he recalled was the cruel laughter, the taunts from Colton's friends as he explained that he never loved Gerard, and it had all been a prank, or a bet - Gerard was still fuzzy on the exact details, and it didn't matter anyway, all that mattered was the _heartbreak_ , the agony the overtook Gerard's chest as he staggered under the weight of the truth, his eyes begging Colton to take everything back, but even though Colton's face carried an expression of remorse, he didn't try and stop Gerard when he bolted from the house - in fact, he never spoke to Gerard again after that day.

Gerard would like to say that Colton's betrayal had been the event that set him on this path to madness he currently trod every waking moment of his life, but it _wasn't_ , Gerard had always been just a bit fucked up, but this multiplied it, manifesting itself in razor blades, and too many pills, and copious amounts of alcohol, anything Gerard could find to numb the pain in his heart and the screaming in his head.

And even though Gerard knew he was probably overacting, and no high school sweetheart deserved to have this much power over him, that was just how Gerard was programmed, because he didn't find any worth in himself, so he searched for it in other people, in love, in friends, in sex, because he had nothing to give to himself, and if it hadn't been for Bert, Gerard Way may not have lived to graduate high school.

But Bert cared, he always had, and Gerard was beginning to believe that he always would. Bert had helped Gerard piece himself back together again, he had watched over him through the nights where Gerard didn't think he could stand to see another sunrise, he had filled Gerard with words of hope, with empty promises of someone else, someone _better_ , and eventually, Gerard had managed to move on.

But he was no longer the young innocent boy of before, Gerard was calloused now, scarred and bruised, but hopefully smarter, and much less gullible, and Gerard had never again given his heart to another person, he hadn't even tried, and he was better of this way, at least, Gerard told himself he was, but then Frank had come into his life, and his presence was making Gerard rethink everything.

"You're right, I'm sorry, but Frank isn't like him, I know that, and _yes_ \- he might end up hurting me, but he's worth the risk, he's worth a hell of a lot," Gerard finally replied, shaking his head slightly to remove all lingering traces of Colton from his mind.

"Okay...but Gee, I think you should talk to him, get to know him better, see if he wants you as more than just a fuck buddy, because you deserve someone who loves you, and who wants to be there for you, and if Frank is that person, then you need to open up to him - not all the way, but just a bit, because if you don't, you might lose him, and I can already tell you don't want that to happen."

Bert was right of course, he was always right, especially when it came to relationships, because Gerard was pretty much clueless about how to maintain one; after Colton, he had mostly partaken in a string of fuck buddies, people he would call when he needed to get off, but no one that he wanted to actually spend any substantial amount of time with, no one who made him long for more, no one like _Frank_ , and once the band had started, Gerard didn't have any time to think about his love life, not with the writing, and the recording, and the touring, but now that was all in the past, and even though Gerard had no idea what the fuck he was doing anymore, he knew that he wanted Frank in his future.

"Yeah...you are right, I will take him out soon, ask him out properly, or _whatever_ I'm supposed to do," Gerard agreed, his heart fluttering in his chest as he imagined being able to claim Frank as his own, to know that his hands were the only ones to touch him, because Gerard wasn't stupid, and he wouldn't be surprised if Frank was seeing other guys, but he didn't want that - he wanted Frank all to himself, and hopefully Frank felt the same way.

"You are really falling for him aren't you?" Bert murmured softly, peering at Gerard over the rim of his coffee cup with knowing eyes and a barely concealed grin.

"I - I am, and I'm so scared, and I know he's not going to want me when he finds out how fucked up I really am, but I don't even care - I just want to be with him as long as he will have me," Gerard sighed, because no matter how perfect Frank was, there was no way he was going to stick around once he saw Gerard's scars, or experienced one his episodes, but that hadn't happened yet, and Gerard was going to try his dammed hardest to make sure it never did.

"Gee...don't say that - okay? If Frank really cares about you, none of that will matter, but you have to give him a chance, you have to let him in, and maybe he will surprise you." Gerard scoffed quietly, because even though he wanted to believe Bert's words - he _couldn't_ , because they were lies.

 _Sure_ \- Bert didn't care about Gerard's faults, and Mikey didn't, but they had known him for ages, and they weren't romantically involved with him, so it was _different_ , and Gerard couldn't see anyone accepting him for who he truly was, because Gerard couldn't even do that, and he had to live with himself every day, so it was crazy to think that Frank ever could.

"No one is that understanding, Mikey doesn't even know what to do with me half of the time, and I can't expect Frank to," Gerard muttered, his fingers tapping against the table nervously, but Gerard quickly stilled them when he recognized the tune he was beating out, and old songs from his days in My Chem was definitely not what this moment needed.

"But you don't know that Gee, and hiding it all away will only make it worse in the end. I know this is hard for you, and I know you don't like showing people the real you, but _fuck_ \- I haven't seen you like this since Colton, and that means Frank must really be something special, and even though I don't know him - _you_ do, and you are really smitten with him, and if he's stuck around this long, I'm sure he has already caught on to certain things, and he hasn't bolted yet, so I don't think you should make any assumptions just yet."

Gerard pondered Bert's words as he drained the rest of his coffee in one go, because sticking with the theme of the day, Bert seemed to be proven right more often than not, and he was correct to say that Frank most likely had noticed some of Gerard's oddities, even though Frank hadn't remarked on them, so even though Gerard's first instinct was to brush off Bert's words as a friendly attempt at comforting him, Gerard had learned that doubting Bert usually ended badly.

Gerard hadn't really considered the possibility of Frank wanting Gerard once the truth came out, but in some ways, Gerard wasn't trying to maintain his relatively normal image as much as before; he hadn't been as avid about hiding his scars lately, and Frank had been in his bathroom, which contained the pills that Gerard neglected to take more often than he should, not to mention he seemed to be able to sense when Gerard was close to breaking down, and he always quickly steered Gerard's attention away from whatever was bothering him that day, and even though that could all be just a coincidence, maybe it _wasn't_.

Maybe Frank knew a bit more than he let on, maybe he had an inkling about what went on inside of Gerard's screwed up brain, and even though Frank was perfect to Gerard, he was also a little bit fucked up too, and even though Gerard didn't know why, the fact remained that Frank's life wasn't a happy one, and he had some hidden demons too, so maybe Gerard's wouldn't scare him away, maybe he would find solace in another suffering soul, maybe two broken halves could make a whole, and maybe they did have a chance after all.


	14. In Which Frank OD's On Joy And Brendon Thinks Mikey Keeps Sex Slaves

"Where are you taking me Gerard?" Frank huffed, the irritation lacing his voice almost completely faked, because Frank would let Gerard drag him into Hell without any protest, but Gerard's secretive nature had him slightly on edge, and Frank's hatred of surprises was causing him to fidget nervously in his seat as Gerard drove them away from the more populated area of town.

Frank wasn't opposed to being whisked away by Gerard with no idea of his destination, this just wasn't typical Gerard behavior, not that anything Gerard did could ever be considered typical by normal standards, but this random car ride was definitely a first; usually they spent their time in Gerard's apartment, and even if Gerard was taking him out to eat, or something like that, he was heading in the wrong direction, leaving the civilized area of Belleville behind in favor of the suburbs. There wasn't much to do out there that Frank knew of, and he didn't understand why Gerard was so adamant on keeping wherever they were going a secret.

"Be patient, we are almost there now," Gerard assured Frank, a coy smile plastered across his lips as he glanced at Frank out of the corner of his eye before turning his attention back to the road unfolding in front of him, the headlights cutting a swath of light across the otherwise shadowy street.

Frank sighed heavily, crossing his arms to keep up his frustrated appearance, even though inside he was a mess of excitement and nerves, because Frank may detest being left in the dark, but Gerard's excitement was rubbing off on him, and just being in Gerard's presence was enough to put Frank in a good mood, especially since it had been a couple of days since he had last seen him thanks to Frank's job needing him to work more hours before school started, not to mention Gerard had seemed busier than usual lately; Frank wasn't sure if he was working as well, or even what he did for a living for that matter.

Frank had been trying to give Gerard some space tonight, refusing to reach out to him unless Gerard did first, because they had been spending an inordinate amount of time together lately - minus the past few days, and the nagging fear that Gerard would quickly tire of Frank had been unusually strong this evening, causing him to deviate from his usual pattern of heading to Gerard's after work, turning his footsteps to the bar instead.

Frank hadn't been planning on going for a hookup, he had no interest in anyone else, _hell_ \- he hadn't even fooled around with Pete lately, because Gerard was all he could ever want and more, so for the first time in ages, Frank went to the pub to simply drink, and also to catch up with Brendon and Ryan, because even if they weren't technically his friends, he had missed them, and they had apparently missed him as well, if the smiles that graced their faces when Frank walked in the door were any indication.

Brendon instantly ducked around the bar, pulling Frank into a friendly hug, which Frank accepted with a slight chuckle, fending off Ryan's questions about his health, because apparently Ryan's theory for his sudden disappearance had been a deadly illness - the man always had a flair for the dramatics, not that Brendon's hypothesis was much better, he assumed that Mikey had kidnapped him and kept him as a sex slave, which had Frank choking on his drink as he laughed uproariously.

But after a few minutes, Frank managed to reassure them that he was just fine, better than _ever_ actually, which of course caught their attention, because Frank was very rarely happy when he came into their establishment, but there was a first time for everything, and Frank found himself recounting all the events that had happened to him since the last time he had seen the two men, from taking Mikey home to his budding relationship with Gerard.

Brendon was ecstatic to hear that Frank had finally found someone, and he demanded that Frank spill every detail about him, from his looks to how he treated Frank, and the entire time Frank was talking, a wide grin split his face, the corners of his lips actually aching toward the end of his spiel, his muscles unused to holding that expression for long periods of time.

Brendon and Ryan listened attentively the entire way through, Ryan even squealing at some points during Frank's explanation, which caused Brendon to shoot him a loving look, his arm snaking around his boyfriend absentmindedly, and for once, there was no accompanying pang of jealously in Frank's heart at their affectionate actions, now it only brought up memories of Gerard, and even if he and Frank weren't in a relationship like Brendon and Ryan, Frank hoped they would be someday soon, his heart beating faster in his chest as he imagined himself being as happy with Gerard as Brendon was with Ryan sometime in the near future.

And as if Gerard could sense when Frank was thinking of him, Frank's phone went off just then, and he saw a new text from Gerard, asking him where he was and if he had any plans for the evening, which Frank replied to with his location, his blood thrumming in his veins when Gerard immediately responded, saying he was on his way to pick Frank up.

Frank decided to wait for Gerard outside, polishing off his drink and saying his goodbyes to Brendon and Ryan, because even though he would love for them to meet Gerard, he knew that Brendon and Ryan would keep him here for ages once they had him in their clutches, as well as potentially embarrass Frank in the process, so Frank decided to avoid that situation entirely, leaving it for later on when he was more comfortable with whatever he and Gerard had, and he wouldn't have to be worried about his friends scaring Gerard off with information that he didn't need to know just yet, not that Brendon and Ryan would expose Frank's secrets without his permission, but better safe than sorry, especially where Gerard was involved.

Gerard hadn't explained where he was taking Frank, simply saying that it was a special place, and _really_ , Frank just wanted to know, because his mind had bounced between every possibility imaginable, from a moonlight picnic to a strip club, and Gerard was still refusing to tell him, but they had been driving for quite some time now, so hopefully Frank would find out in the next few minutes.

Gerard stopped the car suddenly, cutting off the engine with a turn of the keys, leaving Frank to wonder where the fuck they were, because as far as he could tell, they had pulled off on the edge of a deserted side street, and there was nothing around here for miles besides a small patch of wilderness.

"Come on Frankie, it's not much farther," Gerard nudged Frank lightly with his leg when Frank didn't move, opening his door slowly as he waited for Frank to do the same.

Frank shook his head groggily, his muscles tensing up at the unexpected use of that hated nickname; Gerard had never called him anything besides for Frank before, and of course, he had no idea about Frank's aversion for that particularly term, but as much as Frank wanted to snap at him, or at least make it perfectly clear that he did not enjoy being referred to as _"Frankie"_ , it didn't hurt as much as when his mother did it, and Frank found himself biting him tongue as he exited the car.

He wasn't sure why he didn't say anything, and he highly doubted Gerard would be upset, but in a way, Frank almost liked the way the word had sounded falling from Gerard lips, the affectionate lilt he had given to it, and just the fact that Gerard had used an endearment on him at all was a positive sign, a sign that maybe Gerard was feeling more emotions toward him instead of just lust, and maybe for once, being called Frankie wasn't a bad thing.

And perhaps his initial unpleasant reaction had just been instinctive, his mind trained to instantly flinch away from the word that usually caused him so much pain, but maybe it would be okay to have Gerard use that rare nickname, at least for now. If it continued to bother him, Frank would ask Gerard to stop later on, but Frank had a feeling it wouldn't, because this was _Gerard_ after all, and he could probably refer to Frank as a piece of shit and it wouldn't phase him in the slightest, even though that mindset couldn't be healthy, but Frank really didn't give a fuck.

Gerard laced his hand through Frank's as he began leading him deeper into the forest, choosing the path with the least amount of obstacles so Frank wasn't in danger of tripping and falling, which was a very real possibility due to the fact that his eyes continued to be drawn back to Gerard's face instead of the ground under his feet, but he just couldn't help himself.

The moon was bathing everything in a silvery glow, casting Gerard's pale face in an ethereal light, magnifying his already beautiful features to such a point that Frank almost had to look away, because surely no mortal could gaze upon something as perfect as Gerard for too long without suffering some sort of consequences.

Frank actually chuckled to himself at the ridiculous route his thoughts had taken, but that was just what Gerard did to him, he scrambled his brain in the best way possible, and even if Frank sounded like a poor excuse for a poet when he tried to describe Gerard in his mind, no one else had to know, and Gerard truly deserved to have sonnets written about him, if not an entire novel, at least in Frank's biased opinion.

"What's so funny?" Gerard questioned, his eyebrows furrowing as he tried to catch of glimpse of Frank's face without stopping their forward motion.

"Nothing - I'm just _happy_ ," Frank smiled, leaning into Gerard's side slightly as they descended down a small dip in the forest floor.

"Good - I really hope you like this place, it's very special to me, and it's nothing much, just a _place_ , but I wanted to bring you here because you are special to me too," Gerard whispered softly, his voice blending in with the wind flowing through the trees, making Frank have to press himself even closer to Gerard's side so he could catch the end of his sentence, not that he minded at all.

"I - I'm sure I'll love it," Frank stammered out, the fact that Gerard had called him special causing his heart to pick up to a dangerous pace, his palms sweaty slightly as they continued to stumble through the overgrown brush.

"I don't even like nature that much, but this place is worth the walk, I promise."

Frank hummed in response, his voice failing him for the time being, so he simply enjoyed the feeling of Gerard's hand in his as they continued to make their way deeper into the forest, and even though a part of Frank recognized this path, and if he was actually paying attention, he might have realized where they were going, he was too wrapped up in Gerard to notice his surroundings, so he was completely caught off guard when Gerard came to a sudden stop on the edge of a natural clearing.

All of the pleasant feelings Frank had been previously experiencing flew out of his head when their current location soaked into his Gerard clouded brain, because his wasn't just any spot, this was _Frank's_ spot - his and his father's that is, and Frank hadn't set foot here since his father had disappeared from his life, he _couldn't_ , because he wasn't strong enough to face the memories that lingered here, the happy moments that were now only a thing of the past.

But now they were all tumbling back, all of the afternoons Frank had spent here with his father, learning about nature, trying to catch the few fish that somehow ended up in the small pond on the edge of the clearing, simply doing nothing at all; this had been their secret spot, the place they only went with each other, and being in this meadow was akin to staring at a picture of his father, because he resided in every blade of grass, his presence emitting off the trees as if he had never left.

Coming back here hurt - _fuck_ \- it hurt more than Frank had ever imagined it would, because these were the things that he did his best to lock away, burying these thoughts deep in his mind so they no longer had the power to hurt him, but now they were springing free all at once, the lock on the small cage Frank had put them in hanging broken and useless, all because of Gerard.

And for one moment, Frank felt an intense rush of anger at Gerard, not only for bringing him back to this place that he never wanted to see again, but for simply _knowing_ about it, because this place was supposed to be a secret, a spot that only Frank and his father knew about; Gerard shouldn't be aware of its existence at all, and his knowledge of it made the place seemed tainted, _ruined_ even.

And _really_ , Frank knew he couldn't claim this place, because it wasn't as if it was on his private property, it was just a beautiful clearing in the woods, and anyone who traveled in this area could find it easily, but Frank wasn't thinking rationally, and it was taking all of his mental concentration not to bolt then and there, so he didn't have any brain cells left to try and reason with himself.

"Frank?" Gerard's voice cut through Frank's internal panic, and even though Frank thought he was furious at the man, the caring nature of his tone had Frank reaching out to him blindly, his eyes squeezed shut as he grasped Gerard's shirt in a desperate attempt to bring him closer, because this entire situation may have been Gerard's fault, but Frank still wanted his comfort - hell - he _needed_ it, or else he was liable to fall apart at any moment.

"I - I -" Frank tried to speak, but his throat was clogged up with suppressed sobs he wasn't even aware he had been holding back, his body shaking slightly as he tried to deal with the unexpected rush of memories he had hoped to never face again.

"Hey - _shh_ , it's okay, I've got you," Gerard whispered soothingly, stroking Frank's hair in a calming manner. "Can you tell me what's wrong?" Gerard asked nervously, and Frank realized that this was the first time Gerard had ever tried to understand the reasoning behind Frank's strange bouts of sorrow, and Frank wasn't sure if that touched him or worried him, but he couldn't blame Gerard for being curious, because Frank's behavior was worrisome at best, absolutely _insane_ at worst.

"Just... _um_ , how did you find this place?" Frank asked, hoping that if he got Gerard talking, he would be given enough time to compose himself, and maybe then he could avoid explaining his strange reaction to what should be just a random meadow.

"Well the first time I came here I was fourteen, I had run away from home for the day, and I just had to get away. I used to live over that way," Gerard gestured somewhere, but Frank's didn't move his head to follow the direction his finger was pointing in, "and I got myself lost in the forest. I wandered around for ages before I ended up here, and for some reason, I instantly felt at peace as soon as I entered this clearing. It was just so beautiful, so secluded; I stayed here for hours, crying my eyes out over whatever had upset me. It became my escape when things got too much for me to handle, I swear I spent half of my teenage years here," Gerard chuckled nervously, his hand faltering slightly, his fingers tangling in Frank's dark locks.

Frank swallowed heavily, his eyes drying up as what Gerard told him began to sink in, because this was the first time he had ever heard Gerard speak about his past, and even if it was just a vague summary of his younger days, it was still _something_ , and not only that, Gerard had brought Frank here, to a place that meant so much to him. Frank's earlier anger melted away completely, instead, he felt _touched_ , because Gerard was opening up to him, Gerard was trying to bring them closer together, and that had to mean something - _right?_

"I used to come here too, a few years ago...with my dad," Frank choked out, the words burning his tongue as he admitted them, but his chest felt significantly lighter once he had gotten them out, even if it was only one small sentence, it was something.

" _Oh_ \- oh Frank...I didn't know, I'm so sorry, do you want to leave?" Gerard stammered out, his eyes widening in an almost comical manner, and Frank could tell that he had misread the situation, not that his assumption wasn't completely understandable, especially with how Frank was acting, but Frank knew he had to correct Gerard before he lost his nerve entirely.

"No...I'm okay - and he's not dead or anything, just _gone_ , and I haven't been back here since, but maybe this is a good thing, maybe I can make new memories with you," Frank's statement ended as more of a question than anything else, but he needed Gerard to assure him right now, because he was scared, vulnerable, and alone as he opened up to someone for the first time in ages.

"I haven't brought anyone here either...not even Mikey," Gerard spoke up after a few moments of silence, his hand falling from Frank's hair to graze his cheek gently.

" _Really_ \- why not?" Frank asked curiously, his head tilting toward the side as he watched Gerard worry his lower lip in-between his teeth.

"Because, this was always my place to get away, to hide from the world, but I never want to hide from you, I want you to hide with me, and I could tell you needed a safe haven too, I just had no idea you had already found it first."

With Gerard's words ringing in his ears, Frank stepped back from Gerard's hold slightly, letting his eyes dance over the clearing that had once been so familiar to him, and even with all the time that had passed, he still recalled every detail almost perfectly.

Forcing away the memories of his father, Frank made himself truly look at this place, taking in the dip in the ground which was the perfect spot to curl up in the soft grass, watching the moonlight dance across the surface of the small pond, the water running low because of the lack of rain lately, taking in the summer flowers that dotted the area haphazardly, and finally, turning slightly so that Gerard was in the picture, adding him to the scenery in his mind, and Frank couldn't deny that he seemed to fit here, even though Frank had never imagined anyone except his father standing by his side in this spot, but this felt right somehow, and maybe, just _maybe_ , Gerard could help Frank make this meadow something else besides for a painful memory, something _better_.

"I want to make this our place."

\---------------------------------------------

Frank found himself curled up on the ground, his head resting on Gerard's chest as he gazed up at the few stars that were visibly in the dark sky while Gerard tried his best to name them all, apparently he was very interested in astronomy, which was another new fact that Frank had learned about Gerard tonight, and he had never felt closer to anyone then he did right now, with Gerard's arm wrapped around his chest and their hands still clasped tightly together.

"What's your favorite color?" Gerard asked randomly, and Frank had to suppress a quiet giggle, because only Gerard could jump from one topic to another so quickly and think it was totally normal, but that was just one of things Frank adored about him.

"Hmm...it's hard to pick, but honestly, I think it's gold. I love the sheen of it, the way it can be tarnished and hidden, but still beautiful underneath, but I especially love when I see it in nature, like...certain flowers, or when the sun is setting and everything is covered with a golden glow," Frank answered truthfully, his eyes falling shut as Gerard began massaging his hair once again, and _fuck_ \- Frank could really get used to more nights like this.

"I didn't expect you to like gold for some reason, but it fits now that I think about it," Gerard murmured softly, and Frank could hear more than see the smile on his face.

"What about you?" Frank turned Gerard's question around, still slightly confused about why Gerard had asked, but he had learned over the past few weeks that it was pointless to try to find a reasoning behind everything Gerard did, even though Frank knew he did have one, it just escaped Frank's grasp ninety-nine percent of the time.

"It changes constantly, but ironically enough, it's silver at the moment," Gerard spoke up after a few moments. "I love the way it is so pure and cold, but not as harsh as white, and it isn't a color you see very day, even though it's not entirely rare either, also it's reflective, and when it shows another color in it, it's so beautiful, but that is sort of cheating since I'm adding another shade - so yeah, silver."

"Silver and gold," Frank chuckled softly, finding their favorite colors an accurate representation of themselves, two people of the same molds, slightly different shades, but still similar, who also seemed better when displayed side by side instead of separately, or even better, woven together.

And Frank knew he was getting ahead of himself again, but this night with Gerard made his musing of a future together seem slightly less ludicrous, because fuck buddies didn't do this, they didn't cuddle underneath the stars and discuss their favorite colors, but that was exactly what he and Gerard were doing, so maybe Frank wasn't so crazy to think there was more between him and Gerard than just sex.

Gerard had loosened his hold on Frank's hand, and Frank found his fingers clutching onto Gerard's wrist, rubbing lightly across the swath of exposed skin without any conscious thought, and it was only when Gerard flinched violently, pulling his arm away in a jerky motion that Frank realized what he had done.

"Oh god, I'm sorry - I didn't mean to," Frank whispered hoarsely, because he had been tracing Gerard's scars by accident, and that was one topic they had both steadfastly avoided, even though Frank had finally noticed them about two weeks into knowing Gerard, and once he had, he felt like an idiot for not catching on sooner, because it explained a large majority of Gerard's odd behavior, but he respected Gerard's privacy, and he had done everything he could to avoid drawing attention to them, until tonight that is.

"Don't apologize, it's okay...have - you have seen them, haven't you?" Gerard exhaled heavily, his muscles tensing up as he braced himself for Frank's response.

"Yes, and it's okay - _well_ , actually it's not okay, and I hate the fact that you had to experience that pain, but I will never judge you for hurting, and it doesn't change my opinion of you at all, you are still p- flawless in my eyes," Frank stumbled at the end of his statement, because he had been about to say _perfect_ , but he didn't want to add another of Gerard's triggers to an already delicate situation, so thank fuck he had caught himself before that word had passed his lips.

" _Really_...you aren't just lying to make me feel better?" Gerard asked nervously, and for one second, Gerard seemed younger than Frank, his shifting eyes and shaking hands making Frank want to protect him from anyone who had any intentions of hurting him, he yearned to shelter Gerard away from the cruel world that had caused him so much internal pain.

Frank's heart physically ached as he pictured Gerard taking a blade to his skin; he couldn't even imagine what had been going through his head when those wounds had been inflicted, because even though Frank had experienced some pretty horrendous lows, he had never been tempted to turn to self-harm, and he didn't want to know what events had transpired that made Gerard feel that something so terrible was his only option, but hopefully that was now in the past.

"Of course not, and I understand in a way, but I don't want you to think you have to turn to that any more, I'm here now, and if you ever feel like doing that again, you can tell me - if you want, and I promise I will always be there for you."

Frank swore he would follow through on his word, even though he had no experience with someone in this situation, because no one deserved to feel that awful, that _helpless_ , especially not Gerard, and Frank was determined to do everything in his power to make sure Gerard never felt that urge again, if Gerard let him that is. 

"I haven't done it in almost two months, it wasn't helping as much as it used to, but still - that means a lot to me Frank, a hell of a lot..." Gerard trailed off, his hand returning to its previous position, his fingers linked with Frank's tightly as his breathing slowed and his body relaxed underneath Frank's.

"I want to be there for you, I want to make you happy," Frank admitted shyly, a rosy blush painting his cheeks, hidden by the comforting darkness they were currently blanketed in.

Gerard didn't respond with words, instead, he sat up slightly, tilting Frank's chin higher with two of his fingers so he could press a soft kiss to his waiting lips, and even though it was a simple peck, Frank found his eyes fluttering shut in pure bliss, the sheer amount of emotions behind the small gesture would have brought him to his knees if he hadn't already been lying down.

He could feel Gerard's nervousness at their previous topic of conversation in the slightly trembling of his lips, but more than that was what he _couldn't_ feel; there was no lust in the kiss, just intense affection, and maybe even trust, if that was possible to sense through a touch of the lips, but whatever it was, Frank couldn't get enough of it, and he had to suppress a groan when Gerard pulled away suddenly.

"Thank you for staying with me, this is really nice - having you here." Gerard once again changed the subject abruptly, ended his sentence with a soft kiss to the crown of Frank's head, and _fuck_ \- Frank melted against him, the simple touch breaking down so many barrier that Frank had almost forgotten he had put up in the first place.

"I'm glad I stayed too, but I'm curious, why did you decide to bring me out here - I'm happy that you did, don't get me wrong, but it just seems like a huge thing to trust someone with, especially someone you haven't known very long." Frank hadn't even considered telling Gerard about this place, but even though they shared the same sanctuary, Gerard associated with it differently than Frank did, and even though Frank was slightly terrified about the answer he was about to receive, he had to know why Gerard had broken his solitary place with Frank's presence, especially so soon.

"Well - I was talking to my friend about you, and he made me realize how much I care for you, not that I wasn't aware of that already, but he made me think about this thing we have, and I'm not very good at being open, or describing my feelings, but _fuck_ \- I really like you Frank, and bringing you here cemented that, and I - I want you to be mine, my _boyfriend_ , if that's okay?"

Frank had to blink numerous times to make sure that he was in fact awake, and he hadn't just dreamed up Gerard saying the words he was so desperate to hear, but when Gerard didn't blur or fade away, Frank came to the conclusion that this was real, and that Gerard wanted Frank in the same way he wanted him, and _fuck_ \- this was everything he had been hoping for and more, all of his secret desires and wishes summarized together in one question that had fallen from Gerard's lips like a drop of water gifted to a man dying of thirst.

Frank inhaled deeply, trying to understand the heady feeling that was rushing through his veins, and after some consideration, Frank decided it was _joy_ \- unbridled jubilation in such large amounts that Frank would have overdosed on it if such a thing was possible, but thank fuck it wasn't, because Frank would be extremely disappointed if he were to die right now, just when his life was turning around, now that he had something to live for in the form of Gerard.

Frank could have sat there all night in silence, revealing in the intense sensations he was experiencing, but Gerard was peering up at him with those gorgeous eyes, unclouded by alcohol or any other substance for once, and Frank could read his terror in the hazel irises, he could physically feel the anticipation as he waited for Frank to speak, and it was only then that Frank realized he had yet to give Gerard a proper answer.

"I - _yes_ \- fuck yes," Frank stuttered out, pulling Gerard's face closer to his so he could shut himself up with a kiss before he embarrassed himself, a kiss that meant more to Frank than any other, because he wasn't just kissing Gerard this time, he was kissing his _boyfriend_ , and that was best feeling in the entire fucking world.


	15. 7k Words Of Pure Porn

Frank's existence was never meant to end well, it had been destroyed two years ago, his childhood ripped apart like an unwanted page in a book, tossed to the wind without a care where it landed or how damaged it became along the way, but then Gerard stepped into the picture, Gerard had _cared_ , Gerard had caught the discarded piece of paper and treasured it, he had taken the time to smooth it out, to restore it as best as he was able, and even though the edges would always be torn and frayed, it wasn't adrift anymore, it was wanted, and safe, and even though it was flawed, as long as Gerard didn't mind, then neither did Frank.

And there Frank went again, concocting pointless metaphors to describe his current situation, but it has become a habit, especially since Gerard had entered into his life, and Frank felt that this one was especially fitting. Gerard had transformed Frank's world into a storybook fairytale, and he needed to produce extravagant words to convey the way that he was feeling, regular sentences were no longer enough.

Frank never thought things could be like this, not for _him_ anyway, because he had drawn the short stick in the bunch at the age of fifteen, he had been convinced that he was doomed to a life of one disappointment after another until something finally broke him completely, and he had never dared to allow himself to consider the possibility that his lot could change one day, and he could actually be _happy_ , but for once, Frank was glad he had been proven wrong.

Because right now, in this moment in time, in Gerard's car, with their hands laced together idly, Frank was happy, _more_ than happy actually, but he couldn't quite find a word to describe his exact state of being; ecstatic wasn't quite right, it was too much, too exuberant, but content didn't work either, it was too complacent of a word for the emotions currently flowing through Frank, so _happy_ would have to do.

Frank almost felt drunk, that perfect sensation when you had just enough alcohol in your system, some place passed buzzed, but not to the point where you began to feel sick, when everything seemed wonderful, even if it really wasn't, but Gerard had been the cause this time instead of a bottle of liquor, and Frank would choose him over a drink any day.

Frank was still slightly in shock over the events that had occurred tonight; he kept repeating to himself over and over that Gerard was now his boyfriend, and it still hadn't quite sunk in yet, and Frank wasn't sure if it ever would, but he was enjoying the dream like state he was currently ensconced in, his eyes fluttering shut as he enjoyed the comfortable silence in the car, only the subtle purring of the engine breaking the peaceful moment.

"Hey Frank?" Gerard's soft voice cut through Frank's self-imposed solitude, but Gerard was a most welcome interruption.

"Hmm?" Frank hummed quietly, his face turning so he could watch Gerard as he drove, his profile lit up by the occasional pair of headlights that passed them on the mostly deserted street.

"I - I have a question, and it's sort of a _weird_ one, and please feel free to say no if you want...I just -" Frank cut Gerard off with a sudden chuckle, the sound escaping past his lips without his consent, but Gerard's flustered state was beyond adorable, and Frank couldn't help but laugh at his awkwardness, which he had become quite fond of over the past few weeks.

"Well I won't be able to say no if you don't tell me what it is," Frank responded cheekily, a grin tugging at the corner of his lips as Gerard removed one hand from the steering wheel, threading it through his hair nervously before placing it back to its previous position.

In the past, Frank would have instantly been on edge if Gerard had been acting this way around him, his mind would have automatically jumped to the worst case scenario, probably something involving Gerard leaving him, but not this time, because right now, everything was _perfect_ , and Frank knew that whatever Gerard was about to say wasn't going to be negative - he wasn't sure how he knew, but he just _did_.

"Okay - it's just... _fuck_ this is embarrassing," Gerard muttered, breathing in deeply before continuing in a rush. "Well, now that you are my boyfriend, I was just wondering if we could stop using condoms, because I really hate them, and I know people say they aren't that bad, but - I don't know, I just love the feeling of having nothing in-between me and the person I'm with, and I'm clean - _I swear_ , I had a physical about a month ago, and you are the only one I have had sex with since, so...yeah," Gerard trailed off, his eyes darting over to Frank before he forced them to flicker back to the road.

"Yeah - that's fine with me, I have never not used one before, but I'm clean too, so I don't mind at all, I can show you the results from my last blood test tomorrow if you want, it was from two weeks ago," Frank shrugged, doing his best to hold back the laughter that was bubbling in his chest, because Gerard's reluctance to ask about this truly amused Frank, and the way he had played his question up to be something much bigger than it was had Frank giddy with relief, because despite his positive thoughts, Frank had still been slightly worried that Gerard had been about to drop a bombshell on him.

And _really_ , Frank didn't give a shit if they used condoms or not; he had never partaken in sex without one before, it was sort of essential for someone who fucked the way Frank did, so Frank had no idea what it would feel like to have Gerard go in bare, but _fuck_ \- now that the topic had been brought up, he was eager to find out.

"Yeah, that sounds good, but I really don't even need to see it - I trust you Frank, and I honestly don't think I will be able to wait until tomorrow to fuck you," Gerard smirked playfully, causing Frank to roll his eyes in a faked display of irritation.

"So just use a condom tonight, one more time won't kill you," Frank teased, fully enjoying riling Gerard up, because there was really no reason to wait - Frank was clean, he hadn't even fucked Pete lately, not that he thought Pete was carrying any sexual diseases, but still, the point stood that Frank hadn't had sex with anyone besides for Gerard this month, so he was perfectly fine with being fucked without a condom tonight.

"If that's what you want," Gerard agreed, but Frank didn't miss the soft sigh of disappointment he tried to hide, and Frank decided to stop messing with Gerard before he assumed that Frank didn't want this.

"Gerard, I'm just fucking with you, you are totally free to fuck me without a condom whenever you want, _honestly_." Frank twisted uncomfortably in his seat as Gerard's expression perked up visibly, because all this talk of fucking was making him a bit too excited, and he really couldn't wait to get back to Gerard's place now.

"Okay - cool, that's awesome...and, uh - since we are sort of on the topic of sex, I thought that I should maybe warn you about some of my kinks." Gerard's words did nothing to help the growing problem in Frank's pants, and he had to hold back a groan as he tried to imagine where this conversation was going to end up.

"Oh yeah...like what?" Frank managed to choke out, and he knew that Gerard had noticed his current state, if the coy smirk on his face meant anything that is.

"Nothing too bad, I promise, and I think you have already caught on to a few of them, but I obviously like to be in control," Frank nodded to show that he had figured that one out for himself, "and uh - I can get sort of mean, not in the way that I would ever hit you or anything, but I like to be rough, and I like dirty talk, that sort of thing, so if I ever go too far, please just tell me to stop. I have been trying to hold back with you so far, but you seem to like it, so I want to branch out a little bit more...if that's okay?"

"Yeah...I - I like it, you can go all out with me, and I will tell you to stop if it gets to be too much," Frank answered, his tongue snaking out to wet his lips which had suddenly became unbearably dry. "So - uh, is there anything else you are into?"

"Well yeah, but we don't have to do any of it if you don't want to." Frank motioned for Gerard to go on when he paused, his curiosity now well and truly peaked. "I'm interested in a lot of things, but I wouldn't even call them kinks, more just...hobbies?" Gerard gestured with his hands as he spoke, ignoring the way Frank was leaning closer to him, hanging on to his every word.

"Tell me," Frank tried to demand, but it came out in more of a hoarse plea instead.

"Okay - _um_ , well I like biting a lot, either you doing it to me or vice versa, and I also like spanking, but you can tell me if you aren't comfortable with that, uh - I really like using toys, but on you, not me, and uh - _fuck_ I love edging -"

"What the hell is edging?" Frank asked nervously, his cheeks tinted with a light blush as he spoke, because Frank may have had quite a bit of sex, but it had all been very vanilla, and hearing Gerard's kinks was making Frank feel like an awkward virgin instead of the slut he had always labeled himself as.

"It's orgasm control - or delay really, like you force yourself to stop right before you come, and when it finally happens, it feels so fucking good Frank," Gerard sighed, almost moaned really, and Frank had to bite his lip to hold back an accompanying sound of his own.

"I - I am definitely up for trying all of that."

" _Fuck_ \- I can't wait to get you home," Gerard murmured to himself, but Frank still heard him. "What about you Frank - any secret fantasies or kinks I can help you fulfill?"

Frank had to stop and think about Gerard's question, because he had never been a particularly interesting person in the bedroom, and he didn't have a list of things that he was dying to try; he just liked sex, especially sex with _Gerard_ , but he felt the need to come up with some sort of answer, even though he had nothing on Gerard's impressive list.

"Well - I, I don't know...I like to bottom obviously, I have topped a few times, and it wasn't really my thing, and uh - I actually love being fingered, but before you, no one ever bothered with it for too long," Frank shrugged, still trying to wrack his brain for something else he could say to make himself sound more experienced, but he was coming up blank.

"I can tell you like being fingered, you get so fucking loud," Gerard grinned, his words causing a rush of heat to race throughout Frank's body and a vermillion tint to stain his cheeks. "I want to make you come like that, with just my fingers, maybe my -" Gerard cut himself off suddenly, leaving Frank short of breath and desperate to hear the end of his sentence.

"And _what?_ "

"I want it to be a surprise, I'll show you when we get home," Gerard promised, causing Frank to groan loudly in disappointment. He had enough of surprises for one night, and right now, he really just wanted to be fucked, but they still had about ten more minutes until they reached Gerard's apartment.

"Fine," Frank muttered sullenly as he squirmed in his seat in an attempt to get comfortable, his erection pressing against the zipper of his jeans in a borderline painful manner, and Frank was almost tempted to rip down his pants and rub one out right here, because he was so worked up, he wasn't going to make it five minutes when they finally got inside, and he really wanted their night to last longer than that.

Frank glanced over at Gerard, trying to mentally project his distress without actually voicing the words, but Gerard didn't seem to catch on, his eyes stayed determinedly fixed on the road, and it was only when Frank's gaze traveled lower that he realized that Gerard had been just as affected by their conversation as he had, maybe even more so if the large bulge in his dark jeans meant anything at all.

" _Fuck_ Gerard - you are so hard," Frank gasped softly, his finger trailing across Gerard's thigh, slowly traveling closer to his erection when Gerard didn't push him away.

"Yeah - _fuck_ , I want you so badly Frank," Gerard groaned out, his hips bucking slightly as Frank traced the outline of his dick ever so gently.

"Let me suck you off," Frank begged, his hands already fumbling with the buttons of Gerard's pants, trying to push them down enough so he could get his mouth on Gerard's dick.

"W-we are almost home, I can wait," Gerard stammered out, but he lifted up in his seat slightly, letting Frank tug the stubborn denim down around his thighs, his boxers getting caught in them as well, leaving his hard cock to lay against his leg in a tempting manner that Frank couldn't ignore.

"I know, but I can't, and I want this now," Frank babbled out, his mouth watering as he leaned across the center console, pressing a soft kiss to the head of Gerard's leaking dick.

" _Fuck_ ," Gerard mumbled weakly, his eyes never leaving the road, even when Frank began mouthing at the head of his cock, "Frank - _please_ ," Gerard begged, his hips tilting upward as Frank increased the suction of his lips by a small fraction.

"Oh god Gee," Frank moaned, pulling back for a second so he could unzip his own jeans, leaving his boxers on so he could rub himself against the leather seats as he returned to his previous position, sucking Gerard back into his mouth eagerly.

A strangled gasp escaped Gerard's mouth as Frank went all the way down, choking slightly around Gerard's length as his lips brushed against the soft curls of Gerard's pubic hair, but Frank really didn't give a shit; he was so turned on that he could barely think, and all he knew was that he wanted to make Gerard come, he _needed_ to, nothing else mattered right now.

Gerard whined low in his throat as Frank twisted his tongue along the large vein on the underside of his cock, spit dribbling down his chin as he forced himself to go further, swallowing around Gerard heavily as he inhaled through his nose. Gerard jerked forward, his dick hitting the back of Frank's throat roughly before he forced himself to sit back, but Frank loved it when Gerard fucked his mouth, and he needed to let Gerard know that.

Not wanting to remove his lips from Gerard's cock, Frank simply tugged on his hips, trying to show Gerard without words that it was okay, that he could use Frank's mouth however he wanted, and it was only when Frank peered up at Gerard with wide eyes did he realize that Gerard had stopped the car, he was pulled over on the side of some street, which gave Frank free reign to do whatever he wanted without having to worry about Gerard getting into an accident.

Frank twisted his head to the side, taking a deep breath before allowing his eyes to flutter shut, waiting for Gerard to make the next move, which didn't take long at all; Gerard whimpered softly before tangling his fingers in Frank's hair, forcing his head down onto his cock as he trembled slightly.

Frank choked again, but he managed to cover it up, forcing his throat to open wider, letting Gerard gag him as he continued to snap his hips upward wildly. Gerard sensed when Frank had enough though, and before Frank could pull away, Gerard was sliding out of his mouth, giving Frank a chance to gulp in oxygen while Gerard fisted his dick slowly.

"Fucking hell Frank - your _fucking_ mouth, I'm so close already, I'm going to come, could come just like this, looking at your face right now - _oh god_ ," Gerard moaned, rubbing the head of his cock against Frank's swollen lips gently, and _fuck_ \- Frank wished he could see how they looked right now, it was probably fucking _obscene_ , and even the small glimpse he could catch of Gerard in the dark car was enough to have him humping the seat weakly.

" _Please_ ," Frank panted, unsure of what he was asking for, because _really_ , it should be Gerard begging for him, but somehow their roles had been reversed once again, and Frank was the one writhing desperately, his cock aching where it was pressed against the warm leather, the friction so fucking good, but nowhere near enough.

Gerard understood though, he knew what Frank needed, so he leaned up slightly, shoving Frank's boxers down as his hand wrapped around Frank's dick, spreading the precome leaking from his tip before he began to stroke Frank quickly, guiding Frank's mouth back onto his cock at the same time, allowing Frank to anchor himself by clutching onto his hips tightly.

Frank moaned loudly around Gerard's length, leaning into his touch as he continued to lather Gerard with his tongue, his entire body trembling as Gerard's hand drove him closer and closer to the edge. It was fucking ridiculous how close Frank was already, just from sucking Gerard off, but this was a regular occurrence now, and Frank was almost used to how turned on Gerard made him.

"So close Frank, _oh god_ \- don't stop," Gerard cried, his motions speeding up as he thrust himself into Frank's mouth with a bit more force, his muscles trembling under Frank's hands as his cock swelled slightly, and then he was spilling into Frank's mouth, his hot come flooding Frank's senses as he swallowed around him, determined to drink Gerard dry, even though his own orgasm was almost upon him.

As soon as Gerard slipped his now softening cock past Frank's lips, Frank cried out loudly, his muscles contracting as he shot into Gerard's hand suddenly, his chest heaving as the unexpected jolt of pleasure faded slowly, Gerard continuing to stroke him until Frank gently batted his hand away.

" _Holy fuck_ ," Frank panted as he collapsed back onto the seat, avoiding the spot he had left as he pulled his pants back up with shaky fingers.

"Don't think I'm done with you yet," Gerard chuckled wearily, his own jeans still around his ankles and a ridiculous grin on his face.

"That was just a warm up," Frank smirked, his eyes darting around to make sure that no one had witnessed what they had been up to in the car, even though the steamed up windows gave it away instantly, but Gerard had pulled over in the parking lot of a closed mattress store, and luckily, theirs was the only vehicle in sight.

"That's right, I still have plans for you later, and I made sure Mikey was going out tonight," Gerard giggled, his clothing finally back in the proper position as he started up the car once again.

"Drive fast," Frank demanded, his cock already twitching as he tried to imagine what Gerard had in store for him, and Gerard took his words to heart, pushing his foot to the accelerate before gracing Frank with a cheeky wink.

\---------------------------------------------

Frank found himself naked almost as soon as they entered Gerard's apartment, his clothing tossed aside with no care to where it had landed, and even though Gerard had paused once Frank was mostly stripped down, suddenly persisting that he had to show Frank the papers that proved his clean bill of health, Frank barely even glanced at the page before dragging Gerard into the bedroom, because he trusted Gerard, and he knew he was telling the truth, not to mention he was an impatient little fucker, no matter the fact that he had just came barely ten minutes ago.

It was Frank's turn to pause once they reached Gerard's room though, and when Gerard attempted to push him onto the bed, Frank grabbed his wrists, halting his actions entirely, because Frank had one thing he wanted to do, and even though it could kill the mood, he had to try.

"Is everything okay?" Gerard asked breathlessly, his entire body held motionless as he waited for Frank's response.

"Yeah, I - I just want to try something... _okay_ , just let me do this, and then you get complete control back." Gerard's posture instantly stiffened, but he nodded his head slightly, stepping back to allow Frank to do whatever he wanted.

Frank moved slowly, as if Gerard was a startled animal that he needed to approach with caution. Making sure to be exceptionally gentle, Frank began to remove Gerard's long sleeved shirt, pulling the fabric over his head without any protest from Gerard.

When Frank moved on to his jeans, unbuttoning them slowly before beginning to pull them down, Gerard started to tremble slightly, and Frank didn't want him to be afraid, so he ran his palms lightly over Gerard's ribs, trying to soothe the older man before he ruined everything with his boldness.

"Frank...what are you doing?" Gerard finally spoke up, the shakiness of his tone revealing how afraid he truly was, causing Frank to wonder what Gerard assumed he was going to do to him, and why he was so terrified of whatever it was.

"I just want to undress you, and I know you don't like to be naked until you absolutely have to, but I want to see you. I understand that you hate your scars, but I don't, because they are a part of you, and I just want to show you how beautiful you are," Frank murmured soothingly, his hands edging back to Gerard's jeans, pulling them down the last few inches, allowing Gerard to step out of them before his fingers came up to grab the waistband of his boxers. "Is this okay?" Frank questioned, giving Gerard a chance to back out if he really didn't want this.

"Yeah...it's okay." Gerard proved his words by removing his boxers himself, backing up a few steps to give Frank an opportunity to see his naked body for the first time, because even though Gerard had been unclothed around Frank numerous times, he never really let him look, and Frank had been aching to gaze at the perfection that was Gerard ever since their first night together.

And _fuck_ \- Gerard was really fucking gorgeous, his pale skin seemed to glow softly under the light of the single lamp, his hands coming up to wrap around his waist in a way that showed off the slight curve to his body, his half hard cock bobbing gently under Frank's scrutiny, and Frank made sure to take advantage of this moment, his eyes drinking Gerard in like he was a priceless work of art that he would never get the pleasure of observing again, because that was how Frank viewed Gerard, and he knew that he wouldn't get very many chances to see Gerard like this in the future; Gerard may have gone along with Frank's wishes tonight, but he was obviously uncomfortable, and Frank wasn't going to make him do this again unless he wanted to.

And _yes_ \- Frank could see Gerard's scars, the ones littering his arms were almost invisible unless you knew to look for them, but his thighs were crisscrossed in heavy silver lines, even his hip bones bore a few old wounds, but Frank didn't focus on that, because he knew Gerard didn't want him to, and there was so much else to occupy himself with, like Gerard's dark hair which barely brushed his shoulders, his nervous eyes that still held a hint of lust, his long fingered hands that were trembling ever so slightly, and _fuck_ \- Frank was completely in awe over the fact that he could call this man his boyfriend.

"Gerard - _fuck_...you are stunning," Frank sighed, his hands coming up to trace Gerard random lines on Gerard's chest lightly, reveling in the feeling of his soft skin.

"You - you really think so?" Gerard asked in a quivery voice, his eyes boring into Frank's as he searched for any sign of falsity in Frank's words.

"I do, I _really_ fucking do, thank you for letting me see you like this, it means a hell of a lot," Frank smiled happily, his toes pushing upward as he mouthed at Gerard's neck gently.

"I - I trust you Frank, and I don't like my body, especially anyone seeing it, but I can try for you, if it makes you happy," Gerard exhaled, his head tilting to the side so Frank had more room to work his lips against the pale column of skin Gerard had revealed to him.

"It does, and I'm so proud of you for doing this for me."

"I - _ahh_...I would do anything for you Frank," Gerard gasped out, his breathing quickening as Frank's mouth found his sweet spot, which was located near the back of his ear.

"God...I can't believe you are real," Frank whispered, pulling back slightly so he could admire the light bruise forming on Gerard's neck.

"Frank - can I -" Gerard asked in-between gritted teeth, and Frank instantly complied, laying down on the bed to show that Gerard was in control now, and he could do whatever he wanted to Frank. "God Frank - you are the gorgeous one," Gerard mumbled softly, his naked body coming down to hover over Frank's, his lips grazing across Frank's left nipple as he spoke.

"Gerard," Frank sighed, his brain already become fuzzy with lust as Gerard ground their lower bodies together, causing Frank's dick to jump slightly as the unexpected contact. "What are you going to do to me?" Frank questioned softly when Gerard didn't immediately move, his curiosity overwhelming him, the list of Gerard's kinks swirling around his mind, the endless possibilities making Frank nervous and excited all at the same time.

"Tonight is about you," Gerard responded, his eyes drooping shut as he sucked Frank's nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the rapidly hardening bud with just the right amount of pressure.

"I - I want you to fuck me," Frank whined, his cock already leaking against his stomach as Gerard switched over to his other nipple, because he assumed Gerard wanted him to choose, and even though many of the things Gerard had mentioned sounded interesting, Frank just wanted Gerard inside of him as soon as possible.

"Maybe later," Gerard teased, leaning up to capture Frank's mouth in a heated kiss, and even though Frank was already needy and aching for Gerard's cock, he melted into the press of Gerard's lips, his tongue dancing lazily with Gerard's in a well-known routine that he would never get tired of. "I want to do something else first," Gerard smirked when they finally broke apart, and before Frank had a chance to ask exactly what he had in mind, Gerard was sinking down Frank's body, mouthing at his hard cock, licking all the way to the base before flipping Frank over entirely, situating him on his hands and knees.

"Are you going to fuck me now?" Frank asked eagerly, pushing his ass out in the hopes of enticing Gerard to use his body however he saw fit, but Gerard didn't respond right away, instead, he pressed his body against Frank's bare back, gathering his hands in one of his before pressing them against the mattress firmly, and Frank instantly understood that Gerard wanted him to keep them there.

"Just wait and see," Gerard whispered in Frank's ear, sucking the sensitive shell into his mouth, Frank shuddering uncontrollably as hot spikes of pleasure shot through him, and _fuck_ \- he had no idea how someone mouthing at his ear was causing his dick to leak so much, but it was.

As Gerard inched back downward, his hand reaching around to cup at Frank's cock, his palm pressing his pulsating length against his stomach, Frank inhaled heavily, doing his best to shut up and be patient for whatever Gerard was going to do to him, but _fuck_ \- he was so hard already, and he needed something, _anything_ , or he was going to explode from the simple pressure of Gerard's hand around his dick.

Frank shivered as he felt Gerard's mouth at the base of his cock, his tongue flicking out to massage each of his balls for a few moments, but Gerard quickly moved away, his tongue trailing higher, and higher, until - _oh fuck_ , that was Gerard's mouth on his ass, his tongue pressing against his hole - _holy shit_.

" _Fucking hell_ ," Frank cried out, his legs automatically trying to close on their own accord, because even though Gerard's hot breath on his ass felt fucking amazing, this was too much, no one had ever done this to him before, and Frank was completely unprepared for this.

"Just relax Frankie," Gerard cooed, his hands pressing Frank's thighs apart, causing Frank to whine at the loss of contact with his cock, but then Gerard was settling himself down in between Frank's spread legs, pressing a wet kiss to his right ass cheek before putting his face back in Frank's crack, his fingers coming up to spread him wide, leaving Frank exposed, and nervous, and so fucking _turned on_ , not at all bothered by the use of his once hated nickname, because he had other things to focus on right now.

"Gerard - you, you don't, I -" Frank began babbling, the enormity of what Gerard was about to do hitting him full force, and Frank wasn't sure if he wanted Gerard to do this, even though he _did_ , but it was so intimate, so _dirty_ , and no one had ever expressed any desire to do this to Frank, he didn't even think this happened to anyone outside of porn, but - _oh fuck_ \- Gerard was already licking over his hole again, humming softly to himself as if he was the one getting his ass eaten out.

"God Frank...you taste so fucking good," Gerard whimpered, causing Frank to moan loudly at the combination of his words and the feeling of his breath hitting his trembling ring of muscles. "I want to do this for you, been fucking dying to eat you out since day one."

"Gerard," Frank whispered, every muscle in his body tensing up as Gerard buried himself back down, his tongue tracing around Frank's ass in a teasing manner that had Frank keening softly, his breath catching in his throat as Gerard flicked his tongue in a strange way that felt _way_ too fucking good to be real, but it was, this was happening, and _fuck_ \- now that Gerard had started, Frank never wanted him to stop.

It was as if the entire world had ceased to exist, even Frank was no longer present, it was just his ass and Gerard's tongue, just Gerard lapping against Frank as if he was desperate for more of his taste, tiny moans breaking up his actions every now and then, but Frank could barely hear them, he could barely focus on _anything_ , just the intense waves of pleasure that were overwhelming him, drowning him in their intensity as Gerard continued to mouth at his asshole hungrily.

"Gerard - I - _fuck_ , it's too much, fuck me, I need to come," Frank cried out, his cock bouncing against the mattress as Frank's arms almost gave out, his elbows locking at the last second to keep himself upright, but _fuck_ \- he needed to touch himself, he needed to come, like _now_ , but he couldn't move without collapsing onto his face.

"I want to make you come like this," Gerard's rough voice reached Frank's ears, but he was quickly distracted by Gerard pressing two fingers against his spit soaked hole, tracing the trembling muscles before pushing them in slowly - _oh so slowly_ \- twisting them upward at that perfect angle that had Frank screaming hoarsely as Gerard massaged his prostate.

"Oh fuck - oh god, just... _fuck_ , please," Frank keened, his hips shoving backward on their own accord, forcing Gerard's digits that much deeper, adding that much more pressure to his sweet spot, and _oh fuck_ \- Frank was going to come any minute now, and he hadn't even been touched.

And then Gerard pressed his tongue back against Frank's ass, but he didn't stop there, he pushed it inside, the muscle slipping in along with his fingers, and _fuck_ \- Frank had never felt anything like this before, it was so fucking good, it was _unreal_ , and he had no idea how he hadn't come yet, because his entire body was flushed and sweaty, his cock rock hard and leaking against the sheet. He couldn't stop making these soft, embarrassing noises, small whining gasps that left his mouth on every exhale.

"You are so fucking hot Frankie, I love your ass - _fuck_ , I could do this all night," Gerard moaned, his voice sounding just as wrecked as Frank felt.

"Gerard - _please_...I want..." Frank cried, trying to force Gerard to put his tongue back where he wanted it - _needed_ it, because Frank was so close to coming it physically hurt, but Gerard kept tracing around his hole, pressing soft kisses to his cheeks as his fingers moved inside of Frank relentlessly.

"What do you want Frankie, I want to hear you say it," Gerard teased, even going so far as to remove his fingers completely as he waited for Frank's answer.

"I - I want you - your tongue, put it back in my ass, _please_ , I want to come around your tongue - _oh my god_ ," Frank ended on an obscene moan as Gerard complied with Frank's wishes, pressing his tongue into Frank hard, going so fucking deep, his teeth scraping around Frank's rim as he fucked into him determinedly.

"Oh - _oh_ ," Frank cried, shoving back onto Gerard's face, causing the older man to moan loudly, even though he hadn't even been touched yet, and _fuck_ \- Frank wasn't sure if he was going to be able to help Gerard after this, because he already felt paralyzed, his approaching orgasm creeping up on him quickly as Gerard continued to slide his tongue in and out of Frank, and _fuck_ \- Frank was losing it, he couldn't even remember how to breathe, he was so overwhelmed by the rush of sensations caused by Gerard's _fucking_ tongue.

Finally, Frank had to let go, Gerard's tongue in his ass just felt too fucking good, and with a final hoarse scream, Frank shot all over the sheets, his body instantly collapsing as he came, and kept coming, and _oh fuck_ \- Gerard followed him downward, his tongue never stopping, still pushing in, fucking Frank through his orgasm, and even though Frank was oversensitive and exhausted, it still feels so fucking _good_ , and he couldn't stop himself from moaning loudly as Gerard kept going.

"Frank," Gerard whined out after an indeterminate amount of time, during which Frank laid in his own jizz, his hips gyrating slightly under Gerard's lapping motions.

Gerard was moving up his body now though, his lips trailing along Frank's sweat soaked spine, his hard cock pressing into his dripping crack, causing Frank to gasp softly at the feeling of Gerard's hot length against his sensitive hole.

"Can I - can I fuck you Frank, you can say no, I don't want to hurt you," Gerard asked softly, his cock shifting up and down as Gerard's body shook gently, and even though Frank should have been done for the night, he still wanted Gerard, he wanted to feel his dick filling him up, he wanted him to come inside him, he wanted to experience it all bare, skin on skin, nothing in-between them this time.

" _Please_ ," Frank croaked out, trying his best to shift himself into a better position, but Gerard took care of that for him, picking Frank up by his waist and spinning him around so he was situated on his lap.

Gerard leaned back slightly, grabbing a bottle of lube that Frank hadn't noticed until just now, slicking up his cock quickly before lifting Frank up, spreading his legs a little more so that the head of his dick was pressed against Frank's used hole.

"Just tell me if you need me to stop," Gerard gritted out, his mouth falling open as he pushed into Frank slowly - _oh so slowly_ , and even though Frank should have been too oversensitive to enjoy this, he discovered that the painful sting only heightened the pleasure of Gerard stretching him, and he found himself moaning loudly, his head falling forward to rest in the crook of Gerard's neck as he finally bottomed out.

"Fuck Frank - so fucking _tight_ , feels so good...I'm not going to last long," Gerard groaned as he wrapped his arms securely around Frank's back, thrusting into Frank with short, quick motions, hitting Frank's prostate immediately, and it could have just been Frank's overstimulated state, but every single twitch of Gerard's cock seemed to be heightened without a condom on, and Frank was so fucking glad that he had agreed to do this bare.

"I - _holy fuck_." Frank's muscles were clenching around Gerard's dick with every motion, his eyes rolling up into his head as Gerard found a steady rhythm that felt so fucking good, and _fuck_ \- Frank was hard again, which should have been impossible, he had already come twice tonight, but still, his body didn't seem to care, his cock growing in size with each brush to his prostate.

"Holy shit Frank, you are so perfect." Gerard's eyes widened when he took in Frank's aroused state, his hand immediately wrapping around Frank's dick, stroking him in time with his movements inside of him.

"I - I think I'm going to come again - _oh god_ \- fuck me Gerard, fuck me hard," Frank begged, his body tensing up more and more with each passing second, and even though Frank wasn't sure if he could truly orgasm again so quickly, he wanted to try.

"I'm close too Frank - _so close_ , come here," Gerard whispered, lying Frank down on his back again so he could shove into him harder, _faster_ , his hand speeding up as well, paying extra attention to Frank's tip, one finger digging into the slit every now and again. Frank was borderline sobbing now, his breath coming out in harsh pants as he let Gerard pound into him, his legs coming up to wrap around Gerard's waist weakly, trying his best to pull Gerard even closer to him.

" _Oh shit_ -" Gerard choked out, and then he stilled completely, his arms trembling slightly as he came, and _fuck_ \- Frank could feel it, he could physically _feel_ Gerard's hot come filling him up, his dick pulsating inside of him, and with one last flick of Gerard's wrist, Frank was coming too, a strangled cry leaving his torn up throat as his body flew apart, every molecule that made up his being seeming to shoot in a different direction before slowly returning to reform his frame, his vision actually whiting out for a second before Frank's eyes closed without his consent, plunging everything into a pleasant blackness.

"Frank...you okay?" Gerard asked in a soothing tone of voice, his hand coming up to push Frank's sweat soaked hair from his face as he pulled out of Frank slowly, causing Frank to groan at the empty feeling, trails of Gerard's come seeping down his thighs in hot rivets.

"I - _wow_ , am I - yeah," Frank mumbled sleepily, his tongue too heavy to form proper words anymore.

"Don't fall asleep yet sugar, I need to get you cleaned up," Gerard cooed, but Frank was too tired to open his eyes, much less _move_ , so he simply grunted wearily in response.

Frank heard Gerard chuckle to himself, his arms slipping under Frank's waist carefully, and before Frank could protest, Gerard was picking Frank up, cradling his naked body against his bare chest, and even though Frank knew he should just get up on his own, he was much too comfortable to attempt that right now, and Gerard was already taking them into the bathroom, turning on the shower without once putting Frank down.

"You did so well Frank, so fucking perfect," Gerard whispered as he stepped over the lip of the tub with Frank still in his arms, sinking down onto the rapidly warming tile so he could rest Frank against his chest as he reached for the shampoo, massaging some into Frank's scalp gently.

"Are you seriously washing me?" Frank asked, his eyes still closed as Gerard's fingers threaded through his sweaty locks.

"Mhmm," Gerard hummed happily, continuing to coat Frank's hair with the mango scented substance.

And even though Frank was half asleep and basically brain dead from too many orgasms, he found his heart swelling at Gerard's tender actions, a hot tear actually slipped down his cheek when Gerard pressed a soft kiss to Frank's forehead, but it was quickly lost under the spray of the shower, and no more joined it, thank fuck for that, but Frank was only crying because he was so fucking _happy_ , and he couldn't remember a time that had ever happened before, which was just another first he had experienced because of Gerard.

Frank couldn't believe this was real, that Gerard was being so fucking kind to him, but this must be what having a boyfriend was like, this is what Frank had always wanted, but _fuck_ \- he had no idea it would be like this, this good, this _special_ , and even though Frank wanted to tell Gerard how much this meant to him, or at least thank him for being his boyfriend, he couldn't stay awake any longer, the soothing water coupled with Gerard's skilled fingers had him slipping away, Frank snuggling as close as he could to Gerard's smooth body before sleep overtook him completely.


	16. Get Ready - We're Going On A Feels Trip

Frank found himself in his own room on Sunday night, which had become an oddity as of late, seeing how he spent almost every evening with Gerard now, and even though Frank had managed just fine for the majority of his life being alone, he already missed Gerard's comforting presence beside him, he missed the sheets that smelled like him, he missed _everything_ about Gerard, and he had just seen him yesterday, which made Frank feel slightly pathetic, but he was absolutely smitten, and he had given up trying to control his irrational desire to be around Gerard every second of every day by this point.

And _really_ \- Frank felt slightly guilty about the amount of time he had been whittling away with his newly acquired boyfriend; he had been neglecting his mother lately, he had been ignoring Pete, _hell_ \- he had even been leaving work early whenever possible so he could gain a few more hours with Gerard, but despite all that, it was worth it, because Frank was finally happy for the first time in two years, and even though he was being slightly irresponsible, he reasoned with himself that he deserved it after everything he had been subjugated to.

And although Frank had been expecting some negative consequences to come about because of this, they hadn't - _not yet_ at least; Frank's mother seemed to be on an upswing, she hadn't experienced any odd fits lately, at least not that Frank had witnessed, and even though she had been slightly distant, and she tended to ignore Frank whenever he made an appearance at home, she had been going to work every day, and Frank actually walked in on her cooking herself some food this evening, which was a miracle in itself.

Frank was usually the one to do any sort of housework, including making meals for the both of them, but maybe Frank's absence was forcing his mother to pull herself out of whatever world she had wrapped around herself, maybe the person that she used to be was slowly remerging, and maybe she would start to be able to function on her own again if she was given enough time.

But Frank was a pessimist at heart, and no matter how perfect everything seemed right now, he was well aware that nothing lasted forever - especially _good_ things. Frank had no idea how true that statement would prove to be in the future, and he was clueless to how drastically his life would change because of Gerard, but he did know that he had school in the morning, which was enough to put a damper on his thoughts for the time being.

And notwithstanding the fact that Frank was dreading school, and he had no friends - or even acquaintances to look forward to being reunited with, it wasn't the act of returning to the establishment that had Frank worrying his lower lip in-between his teeth - it was the wasted time, the lost moments that he could be spent doing something better, something with _Gerard_ , because Frank knew that he would have much less freedom now that he had to add school to the stack of responsibilities he was already juggling haphazardly.

It also reminded Frank of his age, and of his lie, and of how much deception actually hung in-between his and Gerard's relationship, clogging the air with its intensity, and even though Frank was doing his best to live day by day, he couldn't completely obscure the nagging fear that he would suffocate on the condensed fumes emitting from both of their evasions, because Frank wasn't the only one with secrets, and Frank had a feeling that Gerard's were just as intense as his own, maybe not as morally wrong, but still dangerously _important_.

These thoughts were brought on by Pete unfortunately; Frank had actually invited him over earlier in an attempt to bridge the gap that had been growing between them because of Frank's distant attitude, even though his mother had taken a disliking to his best friend recently, Pete's overuse of eyeliner and punk style causing her to become wary of him, but she allowed his presence in their house because of his long standing bond with Frank.

Pete had brought up Gerard again of course, and at first, Frank had been more than willing to gush about the details of how Gerard had asked him to be his boyfriend, beaming from ear to ear the entire time, but instead of being ecstatic for Frank like he had expected, Pete had reacted suspiciously, grilling Frank on why he thought Gerard had taken this step with him so quickly, not to mention questioning if Frank was truly ready to be in a committed relationship with a much older man he still knew very little about.

Frank was aware that Pete was just fulfilling the role of protective best friend that he had maintained for the last few years, and that his and Gerard's relationship was unconventional, but Frank didn't want to hear logic and reason right now, he just wanted someone to be fucking _happy_ for him, because _sure_ \- he might not know anything about Gerard's past, or where they would be in three months' time, but it didn't really matter to Frank, not when he had a boyfriend who actually cared about him, who treasured him and wanted to be with him, and Frank didn't understand why Pete couldn't see how good Gerard was for Frank.

Frank rolled over in bed with an irritated sigh, trying to bury all thoughts of Pete and the doubts he had instilled in Frank's head under a layer of blankets, but no matter how hard Frank tried, his mind wouldn't _fucking_ shut down, which was very irritating to say the least; Frank did have school in the morning, and he would rather not be exhausted on his first day back.

This lack of tiredness wasn't surprising though, because Frank had never been good at falling asleep before two in the morning, and that time has been pushed back ever since he had begun spending so many of his nights with Gerard. They usually stayed up until they could no longer keep their eyes open, choosing to spend the hours they shared doing something much more productive than resting, which ranged from fucking, to watching movies, to simply walking around Belleville, conversing about anything and everything, except for the deeper topics that Frank was so desperate to uncover.

Frank ached to learn more about Gerard in his younger years, especially about his time in My Chemical Romance, because Frank may have found the two albums they had produced before their break up, and he may have watched a few of their live shows on the rare nights he actually found himself with some free time at home, and everything he had seen about the band intrigued him immensely.

Gerard could sing - like _really_ sing; his voice wasn't vocally perfectly, but it projected emotion in a way that Frank had never seen any other artist be able to convey before, and Frank was instantly captivated by not only Gerard's voice, but also his _lyrics_ , the carefully constructed wording of each song resonating somewhere deep inside of Frank in a way that he hadn't known music was able to do.

Frank yearned to ask Gerard about his time as a frontman, but he also feared it, because he had seen the way Gerard reacted when Mikey so much as mentioned the band, and Frank couldn't bear it if Gerard grew angry with him over his curiosity, so he kept his questions firmly buried, choosing to keep the peace instead of indulging his inquisitive nature.

The sudden harsh ringing of a phone snapped Frank back to reality, the unpleasant interruption erasing all traces of sleep that had just been starting to drag his eyelids down, and even more poignant than the irritation Frank felt at being jolted awake just when he had been so close to the slumber that had been eluding him all night was the confusion centering around the random phone call.

 _Nobody_ called Frank, besides for his mother that is, who was asleep across the hall; Pete and Gerard used texting as their main form of communication, and Frank didn't have anyone else in his life who would be attempting to reach out to him, especially at this time of night, which explained why Frank never switched his phone on silent, even when he was trying to sleep.

And in spite of the voice of common sense that was telling Frank to ignore his persistent phone in favor of trying to drift back off before the last dredges of drowsiness disappeared, his natural inquisitiveness wouldn't let him relax until he had at least peeked at the number, so Frank blindly reached for the chirping device, finally making contact with it after a few failed attempts.

But by the time Frank pulled the phone up to his ear, the call had already been sent to voicemail, and Frank saw that it was indeed an unknown caller, probably someone who had confused a few digits in the sequence of whoever's number they had truly been attempting to reach, but just when Frank was about to plug the device back into the charger, it sprung into life once more, the harsh ringtone hurting Frank's ears at this close proximity.

"Hello?" Frank picked up the phone with a disgruntled sigh, intending to tell whoever was on the other line to stop fucking calling him so he could get some sleep; it was already past midnight now, and Frank was only going to obtain about five hours of shut eye at most, and that was if his body allowed him to slip away the very second this stranger was dealt with.

"Frank - _oh thank god_ , I was so worried you weren't going to pick up."

"Mikey...is that you?" Frank asked warily, only just barely able to recognize the voice on the other end of the line, but he was still a bit unsure about his assumption, because Frank had never heard Mikey so frantic before, and the fact that his usually stoic friend was in such a state had Frank wide awake and bolting upward in bed so quickly that he experienced a minor case of vertigo.

"Yeah, it's me...I need your help Frank, can you come over? I know it's late, but it's _Gerard_ , he -"

" _Oh god_ \- is he okay, what happened?" Frank cut Mikey off before he could finish his sentence, worry for Gerard burning his throat as he forced his words out as quickly as humanly possible.

"I - I don't know, I just got home not too long ago, and he was a mess, I don't know what's wrong, or what he took, but he's locked himself in his room...he won't respond to me anymore, and I'm scared he is hurting himself...or something," Mikey wailed, his pained cry shooting straight into Frank's heart, the arrow of sorrow piercing the rapidly beating organ with a dull thump.

"Okay - just hang on, I'll be there as soon as I can," Frank promised, not even waiting to hear Mikey's response before he had ended the call, throwing on the closest pair of clothing he could find before grabbing his house keys and literally sprinting out of the front door, his heart thumping so rapidly that Frank was slightly concerned that the exertion of his run coupled with his state of panic might send him into cardiac arrest, even though he was a bit too young to be plagued with heart problems just yet.

As Frank sped toward Gerard's apartment, the only thought in his mind was placing one foot in front of the other; he refused to think about what his mother's reaction would be if she noticed his absence, or his lack of sleep, or how he had school in the morning, because none of that mattered if Gerard needed him. Gerard was the most important thing in Frank's life right now, and he was more than willing to drop everything for his sake, no matter the consequence he would have to face the next day.

\---------------------------------------------

Frank was breathless and sweaty by the time he arrived outside of Gerard's apartment, and he was truly regretting the fact that he hadn't thought to take his mother's car instead of jogging all the way here, but if for some reason he wasn't back by the time she had to be at work, he would have been in serious trouble, so it was probably better that he had chosen his own legs instead of the vehicle, but still, his protesting muscles didn't agree with his logic.

Frank knocked on the door sharply, doing his best to catch his breath before he had to face whatever was wrong with Gerard, and _honestly_ \- Frank was terrified about what he might be walking into, because he had never seen Gerard break down, he hadn't even seen him _cry_ before, and Frank was clueless as to what he was supposed to do to fix this.

In their relationship so far, it had always been Gerard who comforted Frank, Gerard who knew just what to say when Frank was falling apart, so this would be the first time their roles had been reversed, and Frank was afraid that he wasn't up for this, that he would fail Gerard when he needed him most, but Frank had to try, he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he abandoned Gerard just because of his insecurities.

Frank had promised Gerard that he would be there for him, especially if he ever felt the urge to self-harm again, and he meant it, but Gerard hadn't reached out to him for help, it had been _Mikey_ who had called him, and what if Gerard didn't want Frank to try and stop him from whatever he was doing, what if he was upset with Frank for witnessing a side of himself that Frank hadn't been invited to see, but it was too late for Frank to leave now, and he wouldn't be able to relax until he saw Gerard with his own eyes.

Gerard had opened up to Frank an extraordinary amount recently, and they had shed one layer of secrecy when Gerard had finally shown Frank his scars, but this was _different_ ; it wasn't an old wound that Gerard was nervous that Frank would judge him for, this was fresh, this was happening _now_ , and if even the thought of Gerard harming himself made Frank stomach's churn uncomfortably, he had no idea what his reaction would be if he walked in on Gerard performing the act live and in person.

But maybe that wasn't what Gerard was doing, maybe Mikey had simply overreacted; Gerard had told Frank that he was two months clean, and he seemed ashamed of his old coping methods, so it was very possible that he was just upset and hurting without actually causing himself any physical harm, and maybe all he would need would be a shoulder to cry on instead of a person to bandage him up, and fuck - Frank _really_ hoped that was the case.

A disheveled Mikey yanked open the door just then, shocking Frank slightly with the sudden motion, but he was even more surprised at how _awful_ Mikey looked, because even though Frank had seen Mikey high, and drunk, and even after he had just woken up, he had never witnessed him looking quite so ragged. His hair was sticking up everywhere, as if he had been constantly tugging at it in frustration, his eyes were bloodshot and exhausted, and his entire posture projected a defeated air that had Frank even more terrified than he had been a moment ago.

"Thank fuck you are here," Mikey exhaled, one of his thin hands beckoning Frank inside urgently as he spoke, his gaze constantly glancing behind him as he impatiently waited for Frank to enter the messy apartment.

"Where is Gerard?" Frank cut right to the chase, his eyes following Mikey's down the small hallway to where Gerard's room was located.

"Same place as earlier, but he's been quiet for the past few minutes...he was sobbing his heart out not too long ago, but now - _nothing_ ," Mikey scrubbed his hands over his cheeks roughly, as if the motion could clear away the worry that seemed permanently engraved onto his thin face. "I'm so sorry for dragging you into this Frank, but I just need to make sure he is okay," Mikey sighed heavily, his head drooping on his neck in a tired manner that spoke volumes about his internal weariness.

"Don't apologize, I'm glad you called...I just hope Gerard feels the same way. What - uh...do you know what happened to upset him so much?" Frank pried, trying to gain some prior knowledge so he could approach Gerard with at least a semblance of understanding.

"Not really....he was on the couch when I got home, crying softly to himself and looking like absolute shit, but when I tried to ask him what was wrong, he snapped. He overturned the coffee table, started tearing his hair out and wailing about how _'they didn't work'_ , he kept repeating that phrase over and over again before he finally locked himself in his room. I think he might have taken some pills, because he usually isn't this irrational, even when he is drunk, but - uh..."

"What?" Frank snapped a bit harsher than he had intended to, but Mikey's reluctance to speak was grating on his nerves, and Frank already felt a strong force pulling him in the direction of Gerard's room that was getting harder to ignore by the second.

"It's just - _fuck_...I don't want you to think any differently of Gerard, but he has some mental instabilities, and you should probably be aware of that before you try and talk to him."

"What do you mean?" Frank asked warily, a part of him hypothetically bouncing on the balls of his feet at the prospect of learning more about his mysterious boyfriend, but the other side of him that loved the illusion of the perfect man he made Gerard out to be in his head was cringing at whatever he was going to hear next.

"Well - he has clinical depression, but he rarely takes his medicine for it anymore, says it makes him feel like shit, and he is a very emotional person...one day he will be the happiest guy in the world, and the next second something like this will happen. Just be careful Frank - he can get very angry and aggressive, and I don't want you to get hurt," Mikey explained wearily, his hands twisting together as he did his best to convey Gerard's mental state to the confused Frank.

"He won't hurt me," Frank stated flatly, and Frank truly believed that, no matter what condition Gerard may currently be in.

Deep down, Frank knew he should be slightly afraid of Gerard, especially given the fact that his own brother was warning him to be exceptionally cautious, but he couldn't find any fear within his heart - well, not fear of _Gerard_ at least. Frank was afraid of failing, afraid of not being able to pull Gerard out of whatever mess was going on inside his head, but he wouldn't allow himself to become leery of the man who had done nothing but be kind to Frank, and Frank firmly believed that nothing would change that.

"I hope so, but Frank - I know I called you over, but if you can't calm him down...if he starts panicking, just get out okay? I don't want anything to happen to you, and I know Gerard doesn't either, he's just not himself right now."

"I'll be fine," Frank assured Mikey, proving his point by allowing his feet to pull him toward the closed door that Gerard was currently ensconced behind.

"Just call if you need me, I'll be in my room - Gerard won't be happy if he finds out I'm listening in on your conversation." Frank waved his hand to show that Mikey that he had heard him, waiting to speak to Gerard until the soft click which signaled that Mikey had closed his bedroom door had faded away.

"Gerard...it's Frank - are you in there?" Frank called out in a low tone of voice, pressing his ear against the wooden barrier that separated the two of them in the hopes of catching any response that Gerard might utter, or even the sounding of breathing so he would know that Gerard was okay at the very least.

Silence prevailed for a few moments, only the sound of Frank's lungs dragging in oxygen breaking up the quiet, but just when Frank was about to speak again, another voice reached his ear, and if he hadn't been flush with the door, he might have missed it completely.

"Frank?" Gerard croaked weakly, and he didn't seem angry or hostile, at least not from his tone; if anything, he sounded confused and weak, as if speaking had taken the last ounce of strength he had possessed.

"Yeah - it's me, can you let me in?" Frank pressed, his hand coming up to rest against the door without any conscious thought; it wasn't like Gerard could see Frank through the grain, but it grounded Frank a bit, almost as if he touching Gerard instead of a piece of wood.

"No," Gerard finally answered after an extended pause, the word ringing out louder than before, but still quiet enough that Frank had to strain his ears to pick up on the hushed sound.

"Please Gerard," Frank pleaded softly, his overtaxed body finally given out on him, his knees shaking so much that Frank found himself sinking to the carpeted floor slowly, his back pressed against the physical wall keeping him from Gerard, but in a way, it was also metaphorical, because Gerard had built up so many defensives around himself to keep everyone out, including Frank, and Frank wasn't sure where to begin chiseling away so he could discover a route in.

"I -," a soft sob cut off Gerard's sentence, but it was quickly muffled, and Gerard continued not long after that, "I don't want you to see me this way."

"Okay...that's fine, but can you at least talk to me for a bit?" Frank shoved down his urge to demand Gerard to let him in, because he knew it wouldn't convince Gerard to open the door, if anything, it could have a much more detrimental effect. Gerard didn't appear to be upset with Frank's presence just yet, but if Frank pushed him, he was well aware that Gerard could snap at any moment, turning him into the dangerous person that Mikey had warned Frank about.

"Just go home Frank," Gerard sighed, but Frank didn't miss the soft shuffling behind the door, and if he wasn't mistaken, Gerard had crossed the room, and the increased volume of his voice led Frank to believe that Gerard was now leaning on the exact wall that Frank was huddled up against.

"I'm not going anywhere, I said I was going to be there for you, so I am, even if it's has to be like this."

Frank's words were met with a strangled cry, and he could physically picture Gerard covering his mouth as he tried to contain the sorrowful sounds that were clawing their way out of his throat, the image causing a physical spike of pain to erupt inside Frank's chest with its intensity, and _fuck_ \- all Frank wanted to do was wrap Gerard in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but Gerard had to allow him in first.

"Are you still there?" Gerard finally asked after an indeterminate amount of time had passed, during which Frank had silently listened to Gerard stifled sniffles and whimpers, trying his best to hold back his own tears that burned at his eyes as if they were made of acid instead of salt water, and even though Frank had been through plenty of shit in his short life, sitting there silently while Gerard suffered was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do, and _fuck_ \- it hurt more than Frank had ever imagined it would.

"Yeah, and I'm not going anywhere - _okay?_ " Frank choked out, wiping away the layer of liquid that had formed in-between his closed eyelids.

"Why?" Gerard's quizzical voice rang out once more, the tone slightly stronger than it had been before, and Frank visibly perked up when he realized that Gerard was standing very near to the locked door that was preventing him access to the one place he wanted to be most.

"Because I _care_ , and I don't want you to be alone right now, so I'm going to stay here until you fall asleep or you let me in," Frank shrugged slightly, even though Gerard obviously couldn't see the gesture from his current vantage point.

"I thought you had work in the morning," Gerard brought up the lie Frank had fed to his boyfriend to explain why he couldn't come over tonight in the first place, not wanting to tell Gerard that classes had started up again, even though he could have fabricated a story about being at college instead of high school, but knowing Gerard, he would ask a plethora of questions that Frank wouldn't be able to answer, so he had opted for the safer lie instead.

"I do, but I don't give a shit...you come first Gerard - _always_." Frank's hopes began to flutter slightly as he sat up straighter against the scratchy wallpaper, because this was the longest conversation they had managed to maintain all night, which could only be a good sign - _right?_

But Frank's positive thoughts quickly began to deflate when Gerard didn't answer, causing Frank to frantically wrack his brain for something else to say that would convince Gerard to continue speaking, but he was coming up blank. Gerard was fragile right now, almost like a temperamental child that refused to listen to their parent's reasoning, and Frank had to tread delicately to avoid eliciting a negative response, because if that happened, all hopes of Gerard letting him in would be lost.

But just when Frank was convinced that Gerard had completely shut down once more, both mentally and physically, it was only a few seconds later when the sound Frank had been dying to hear resounded much louder throughout the short hallway than it should have, because it was only a small click, a turning of metal that most people wouldn't have payed any mind to if they hadn't been so desperately awaiting its arrival, but _Frank_ did, because that was the sound of Gerard unlocking his door.

Frank's first instinct was to grab the brass handle and immediately rush inside to comfort Gerard, but he forced himself to stay where he was, determined to make sure that this was what Gerard actually wanted, because this could all be some sort of test - that seemed like something Gerard would do, and Frank had to pass this trial if he wanted to help Gerard.

"Can I come in?" Frank asked softly, his voice shaking as he waited for the answer to his simple question, but it wasn't really simple, _not at all_ \- in fact, the response Frank received meant everything to him.

" _Yes_."

Frank never knew one word could bring such an intense rush of relief, but _honestly_ \- he didn't know he could feel half of the emotions that Gerard had been the cause of lately, so Frank pushed through the overwhelming sensation, slowly hefting himself to his feet as he approached the door that had been his main nemesis all evening on trembling limbs.

Frank wasn't sure what he was expecting to find when he entered the small room, maybe a disaster zone, with furniture tossed haphazardly here and there, or maybe even blood from whatever Gerard may or may not have done to himself, so he was surprised to find the place almost exactly how it had appeared the last time he was there - slightly disheveled of course, but _unchanged_ , and that fact calmed Frank immensely, because this room had been a place of safety for Frank over the past few weeks, and he was glad to discover that it's appearance hadn't been altered at all.

Frank didn't immediately spot Gerard, it was only when he turned to his left that he glimpsed the dark haired man curdled up on the ground, just like Frank had been earlier, his arms wrapped around his knees as he shifted back and forth slowly, his eyes fixated on the slightly off color carpet instead of at Frank.

Frank thought he had been prepared for this, he had steeled himself to be met with a very different person than the typical Gerard he knew, but _fuck_ \- Gerard looked _horrible_ ; his hair tousled and greasy, his clothing stained and rumpled, his usually sparkling eyes dull and dead, and that was what scared Frank the most, because Gerard always seemed so _alive_ , and this shell of a person barely resembled the vibrant man that Frank had become so accustomed to.

Frank made sure to close the door firmly behind him, not wanting to make Gerard feel any more exposed than he already was, and it was only then that Frank took the few short steps to Gerard's side, sinking down beside him gingerly as Gerard continued to ignore his existence.

"Thank you," Frank whispered, his hand coming up to push Gerard's lanky hair back from his face with a gentle touch, revealing Gerard's red eyes and tear stained cheeks to Frank's probing gaze.

Gerard simply shook his head from side to side, obviously too busy trying to contain his sorrow to have any energy left to waste on speaking, but Frank didn't want that, Frank wanted Gerard to let go, to break down, because now Frank was here, and he could help Gerard piece himself back together after whatever this was had passed.

"Come here," Frank offered, his hands moving from Gerard's scalp to his shoulders, a soft tug showing Gerard that it was okay to lean on Frank, but Gerard took it a step further, his body collapsing limply into Frank's lap as one of the cries he had been holding back broke free from his tightly pressed lips in the form of a quiet wail. "It's okay Gerard...I'm here, I've got you," Frank whispered, his arms coming up to wrap around Gerard's shuddering frame as he began to cry, his body flinching with each tear as if the act was causing him serious agony.

Frank took advantage of Gerard's current position to run his hands lightly over Gerard's exposed wrists, making sure that no new markings had been added to the pale skin, but Frank's search came up empty - _thank fuck_ for that, and even though Frank couldn't see Gerard's legs, the light colored sweat pants covering him didn't bear any obvious blood stains, and Frank was mostly convinced that Gerard hadn't taken a blade to himself tonight. 

"I hate this Frank...make it stop, they were supposed to work, but they didn't, they were supposed to _fucking_ work," Gerard choked out, his sentence emerging in a garbled fashion thanks to the heaving breaths and soft whimpers that interspersed every other word.

"What didn't work...?" Frank asked delicately, terrified that even the smallest question would send Gerard over the edge, because so far, Frank hadn't pressed Gerard on anything, he hadn't even tried to discover what was causing Gerard's misery in the first place for fear of Gerard becoming angry with him, but this query couldn't remain unanswered; Frank had to know if Gerard had taken something - or _done_ something that would be detrimental to his health.

"The pills...I - I don't like taking them, but I _needed_ them, and they - I'm still fucked up Frank, but I'm trying so hard not to do anything stupid, but..." Gerard trailed off into another round of sobs, burying his face against Frank's t-shirt, his hands clutching tightly to the rapidly dampening fabric as Frank tried his best not to instantly panic, but he had good reason to.

Gerard was obviously in no condition to explain himself any further than he already had, so it was up to Frank to decide what to next. Frank had spied what seemed to be a prescription of anti-depressants pills in Gerard's medicine cabinet the other morning when he was using his bathroom, but he wasn't alarmed by their presence, even though he hadn't been one hundred percent certain if they had been Gerard's or his brother's, but Mikey's explanation had cleared up that question for him.

Frank knew numerous people who took similar substances, his own mother had been put on them after his father had fucked off with his lover to who the hell knows where, but depending on how many Gerard had consumed, he could be in serious danger of an overdose, especially if he had combined the pills with alcohol.

"Gerard...can you look at me - I need to know how many you took, does your stomach hurt?" Frank pleaded, his hands fluttering helplessly by his side as he attempted to calm Gerard enough for him to speak clearly.

"I - I don't remember, not too many...but I already threw up earlier just to be safe," Gerard whimpered quietly.

"Okay - _fuck_...please tell me if you start to feel sick," Frank exhaled heavily, arguing with himself over if he should trust Gerard's judgement of his condition, or if he should play it safe and call an ambulance despite Gerard's reassurances.

But after a quick internal debate, Frank's phone stayed in his pocket, even though it was extremely stupid of him, and if he truly cared about Gerard, he would have put his health first, but Frank knew that in doing so, he would lose Gerard's trust, and the ramifications of that had Frank discarding any notions of seeking medical attention at the moment, because he couldn't betray Gerard in that way - he just _couldn't_ , and he knew Gerard would see it as such, no matter how good Frank's intentions were.

"I will," Gerard promised, peeling himself up from Frank's lap delicately as he spoke, his red rimmed eyes unclouded and filled with honesty, which settled the twisting sensation in Frank's stomach a small fraction.

"Do you want to lie down in bed instead of the floor," Frank offered, taking advantage of the lull in Gerard's internal pain to heave him up to a standing position, leading him over to the other side of the room when Gerard nodded slowly in agreement.

Frank helped Gerard get comfortable, pulling back the array of blankets strewn across the mattress and tucking them around his boyfriend once he was underneath them before tossing off his shoes and climbing in with him, his arms instantly wrapping around Gerard in a protective gesture that Gerard melted into appreciatively.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" Frank ventured to ask when it appeared that Gerard had calmed down considerably; his breathing was no longer ragged, and his tears were absent for the time being, hoping that he hadn't made a mistake by prying into the root of the problem too soon.

"I - it's hard to explain," Gerard exhaled heavily, his eyes widening slightly as if he pleading for Frank to understand his turmoil without forcing him to voice the words, but Frank wasn't a mind reader, and he needed to discover what had happened, even though a part of him was tempted to spare Gerard from regurgitating the details of whatever had put him in such a state to shield him from experiencing any more pain.

"Is it something I can help you with, is there anything I can do to make it better?" Frank changed his line of interrogation, because in the end, it didn't really matter what the catalyst had been, not as long as Frank found a solution to it.

"No...it's just - _fuck_ , it doesn't even make sense, and you are going to think I'm pathetic, but it's just life, and my _head_...everything is changing, and I hate it. It's too much, but yet not enough, and I _can't_ -" Gerard cut himself off with an angry shake of his head, his tears renewing themselves once more, cascading down his raw cheeks in heavy torrents as Gerard did his best to wipe them away.

Frank shushed Gerard gently, shifting their bodies back and forth slowly in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, and even though Frank was well aware that there was obviously much more to the story of whatever had upset Gerard to such a large degree, he didn't pry any further, because Gerard was hurting, and that was all the knowledge Frank needed to ascertain, now he just had to find a way to ease his pain.

"Oh Gerard, please don't cry," Frank whispered, lowering his head down with the intention of placing a soft kiss on Gerard's forehead, but Gerard caught him off guard by surging forward suddenly, capturing his lips in a fierce kiss that had Frank falling back against the mattress with the force of it.

This kiss was different to the others they had shared, because once again, Gerard had switched positions with Frank, because it was always Frank that pushed himself on Gerard with a sense of desperation, with tears brimming behind his closed eyes lids, with limbs shaking with need and release, but not this time - now it was _Gerard_ who was kissing Frank like he would die without him, and it was Frank who let him, Frank who tasted the bitterness and despair that Gerard was trying so hard to hide.

Frank kissed Gerard back for a few moments, their tongues dancing together as Gerard deepened the pressure on Frank's mouth with each passing second, but when Gerard's hand snaked it's way downward, palming Frank's crotch roughly, casing him to emit a soft moan, Frank did something that he never thought possible; he gently grabbed Gerard's wrists before he could begin working on the buckle of his belt, bringing them back up to his mouth gently and pressing his lips against the protruding knuckles, effectively halting Gerard's attempts at disrobing him.

"Do...do you not want me?" Gerard choked out, his eyes watering as he gazed at Frank with a confused expression laced with pain, and Frank felt so fucking _guilty_ for rejecting Gerard, but he had already made enough stupid decisions tonight, and for once, he was going to do what's was right instead of what was easiest.

"That's not it Gerard - _believe me_ , I always want you, but I don't think _you_ want this, not right now," Frank choked out, trying to ignore the way Gerard's hot breath was hitting his sensitive neck as he panted above Frank.

"But...but I _do_ ," Gerard protested, the puzzlement in his expression overtaking the hurt it had been warring with for the past few seconds.

"Gerard - I know what you are doing, because I do it all the time, so trust me when I say that this isn't a good idea. You are trying to bury you feelings with sex, and _yes_ \- it can work, but not unless you give up control completely, and I can't let you do that," Frank tried to reason with Gerard, hoping he would understand what he meant and why this would end up hurting him more than helping in the end.

Because as much as Frank wanted to allow Gerard to use his body to forget about his problems for a short while, Gerard was always so composed during sex, so self-assured, and even though Gerard may have convinced himself that he wanted to let all of that go in a desperate bid to alleviate whatever was plaguing him - Frank _knew_ Gerard, and he knew this wasn't like him, no matter how different he may be acting in this moment.

And not only that, but Frank didn't trust himself with being put in a position which held such power, even though he would never do anything to hurt Gerard on purpose, and he wasn't necessarily talking about topping Gerard, because you didn't have to bottom to give yourself to another person, although that was what Frank usually chose to do, but there were other ways to wound someone besides for physically, especially when they lost themselves in you completely when they were in such a fragile state, and Frank wasn't sure if he would be able to guide Gerard back if that happened.

Frank was always the weak one, the one who looked to others to take him away, to use him and push him until he forgot what had upset him so much in the first place, and Frank knew from experience that it could end badly if you placed yourself in the hands of someone who didn't care, or was inexperienced, and even though Frank cared about Gerard - he cared so _fucking_ much, he wasn't ready to do this, and neither was Gerard, no matter what Gerard might think, because right now, Frank was the responsible adult, _not_ Gerard, and it was up to Frank to prevent Gerard from doing something he would regret in the morning.

"I just want it to stop Frank...I hate this, my head - it won't _fucking_ shut up," Gerard whimpered softly, his body collapsing limply onto the bed as he spoke, all the early vitality draining out of him just as quickly as it had come.

"What do you want me to do Gerard?" Frank asked, tracing a line over Gerard's forehead with the tip of his index finger as if that could draw out the troubling thoughts that refused to let Gerard have any peace.

"Stay with me, talk to me, keep touching me..." Gerard sighed, leaning into Frank's hand eagerly as Frank's digit moved lower, following the sharp curve of Gerard's cheekbone which was still slightly damp with tears.

"I will - I promise." Frank punctuated his words with a kiss, his lips imitating the path his finger had made over Gerard's skin until he reached his mouth, keeping his movements light and gentle, making sure his actions stayed sweet and innocent instead of the feverish embrace which he and Gerard had taken part in only moments earlier.

"Thank you," Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank as soon he pulled away, bringing Frank as close to his body as possible without actually dragging Frank on top of him.

"It's going to be okay Gerard, I'm here, just close your eyes...everything will be better in the morning," Frank murmured, stroking Gerard's hair gently as Gerard lids fluttered shut reluctantly.

Frank continued to ramble about whatever came into his head until Gerard's breathing evened out and his head lolled against Frank's shoulder, his tense muscles relaxing under Frank's wandering fingers, but his arms didn't loosen their hold around Frank's torso, so instead of sneaking out like he had originally planned on doing, Frank simply settled down against the pillows, trying to make himself as comfortable as possible so he could get a few hours of sleep before he would have to hurry back home to avoid arriving after his mother was awake.

Frank's eyes popped back open when he heard a soft knock at the door to Gerard's room, holding a finger to his lips when Mikey poked his head inside, a smile crossing his face when he took in the sight of his sleeping brother.

"He's okay?" Mikey asked softly, keeping his voice as low as possible so he wouldn't wake Gerard.

"Yeah...I think so," Frank nodded in response, his eyes flicking down towards Gerard's slumbering figure just to make sure that nothing had changed with Gerard's condition in the last thirty seconds.

"I don't know how you did it Frank, but thank you...I hate to think about what would have happened if you didn't show up when you did."

"Thank you for calling me, I'm glad I was able to help," Frank responded sincerely, because as much as it had hurt him to witness Gerard in so much pain, Frank felt as if this entire experience had brought them even closer together, and to Frank at least, it had felt so fucking _good_ to finally repay Gerard for all the times he had pulled Frank back from the edge of despair, whether it was intentional or not on Gerard's part, and now Frank believed that he was on more even footing with Gerard, even though Frank was convinced that he would never quite reach his level.

"Of course," Mikey grinned again, the expression erasing some of his earlier weariness with its intensity. "I'll leave you guys be now," Mikey waved his hand awkwardly, backing out of the room as quickly as he had come.

As soon as Mikey was out of sight, Frank snuggled back down again, making sure not to disturb Gerard with his movements, which was slightly difficult since Gerard was basically using him as a human pillow, but Frank managed it, his own eyes drifting shut almost as soon as his head hit the mattress, because this entire night had been both mentally and physically exhausting, and the sleep that had been eluding Frank all evening had finally found him, dragging him under as the sound of Gerard's even breathing played in the background like a lullaby.


	17. Why Couldn't This Be A Dream Where Frank Came To School In His Underwear

Frank awoke to the muffled sound of the alarm on his phone, his numb fingers fumbling to shut it off before the harsh ringtone disturbed Gerard, who was still in the same position he had been last night, curled around Frank like an affectionate octopus, all of their limbs entangled together in one way or another, and although Frank adored how Gerard always wanted to be touching him, even in his sleep, it did make it very difficult to reach his phone, much less get out of bed.

And _really_ , the last thing Frank wanted to do right now was leave Gerard's side, all of his muscles were screaming at him to close his eyes and lay his head back down on Gerard's chest, the temptation to forget about school for just one day almost winning out over the responsible side of Frank, and for a few minutes, he truly considered saying _'fuck everything'_ and wasting away the morning with Gerard.

Frank would never get tired of this simple act, of having Gerard's warm body pressed snugly against his side, of feeling his soft breath caressing his skin, of the way he looked so innocent - so _young_ when he slept, and for a little while, Frank could pretend that they were a typical couple, and there was no lies or deceit hanging in-between them, that they were the same age, and Frank had parents who accepted him for who he was, people he could bring Gerard home to and show off his new boyfriend proudly.

As Frank's mind spun through this ridiculous fantasy, he found his eyes drifting shut again, the hand that he had painstakingly freed from under Gerard's spine making its way to Gerard's hair, stroking it slowly, but as close as Frank was to surrendering to oblivion once more, Frank's conscience wouldn't let him, the soft voice continuing to hassle him until he had no choice but to give in, because despite how much Frank would love to ignore all of his other responsibilities in favor of Gerard, he needed to break this dependent habit if he ever had a chance to pass his senior year.

But even the matter of graduating wasn't quite enough to get Frank in motion, _no_ \- it took the thought of his mother to finally have Frank slowly attempting to remove himself from Gerard's tight hold without waking him up, because Frank couldn't stand to face her disappointment if she discovered he had missed out on his first day, and she _would_ find out; his school was not very lenient with unexplained absences, and they did more than just leave a message on the answering machine to inform the parents that their child hadn't attended school that day.

And no matter what mood Frank's mother was in, he knew that his truancy would hurt her, because education was very important to Frank's mother, that was why she enrolled him in a private school in the first place, and Frank didn't want to find out what her reaction would be if he skipped for the first time ever, not to mention he would have to think of an excuse for where he had decided to spend his day that didn't involve Gerard, and he couldn't keep using Pete as he scapegoat, it wasn't fair, and it would be too easy for her to call up Pete's parents and find out that he had been in class all day and Frank hadn't come by at all.

So with a heavy sigh that seemed to come from his toes, Frank finished extricating himself from Gerard, pausing for a moment once he was free to make sure that Gerard wasn't going to stir; Gerard needed his rest after his breakdown last night, and Frank hoped he slept late enough that Frank could sneak back to his apartment once classes were over and they could pick up where they left off before Gerard ever realized he was gone.

Frank stomach twisted at he gazed down at his oblivious boyfriend, because _honestly_ , Frank felt guilty about leaving Gerard like this, even though he had a good reason, there was still school, and his mother to think of, no matter the fact that Gerard consumed ninety-nine percent of his mind, and as much as Frank wished that his world consisted of only Gerard - it _didn't_ , and Frank knew that, but he also felt terrible for skipping out on Gerard without making sure he was going to be okay.

Because _yes_ \- Gerard had seemed better last night once Frank had calmed him down, but that could have just been exhaustion overtaking him; it wasn't as if Frank had discovered the source of what had truly caused Gerard to fall apart in the first place, and what if he awoke feeling just as awful as he had last night - or _worse_ , what if Mikey wasn't there to console him, what if Gerard hurt himself when he found himself alone once again?

Frank wasn't used to this foreign feeling, he had never had someone to care about before - not like _this_ , and he was so terrified of fucking things up and losing Gerard because he hadn't done the right thing, because _fuck_ \- what if Gerard wasn't here when Frank got back; Frank had no true reason to think that would be the case, because _yes_ \- Gerard had been in a bad state last night, and he had taken pills, but he hadn't hurt himself, and he had reached out to Frank, so if Frank was thinking rationally, he would come to the conclusion that Gerard would be fine for the next eight hours or so.

But Frank didn't think when Gerard was concerned, he _felt_ \- he felt so many things all at once, and Frank was never one to let emotions rule his decisions, he always kept everything carefully tucked away, only allowing them to bubble to the surface when he had downed a bottle of alcohol and he was completely secluded from everyone and everything, but then Gerard had reminded Frank that it was okay to let things out, because Gerard would fix it better than any brand of liquor ever could, and he didn't just bandage up Frank's internal wounds, he stitched them back together again, giving Frank a chance to heal as long as the delicate thread was allowed to do its job.

And Frank wanted to be that cure for Gerard, and last night, he had thought he was, but now he was doubting himself - he was doubting _everything_ , even his decision to go to school, because hadn't he said last night that Gerard was the most important thing in the world, and shouldn't that mean that his mental health came before Frank's education, but at the same time, could Frank really be so careless as to risk everything, could he place his meticulously constructed tower of lies on such a shaky foundation by blowing off the one thing his mother was certain to notice if he didn't attend?

Frank didn't know what to do, because Gerard did come first - _always_ , but Frank could be overreacting again; Gerard could wake up and be fine, and he would tease Frank for skipping what he thought was work to stay with him, or maybe he would even react negatively to all the attention, maybe he was similar to Frank in that aspect, and he wouldn't want someone to hover over him when he was upset, maybe he would want to pretend like last night had never happened, which would leave Frank filled with regret if he did choose to abandon school just to have Gerard act in that fashion.

 _Fuck_ \- Frank's brain was twisted up in knots now, and it all came down to the fact that he was clueless about how Gerard would feel when he woke up, tempting Frank to shake him into consciousness so he could try to gauge his mood before making his decision, but Frank had just told himself earlier that Gerard needed his sleep, and _honestly_ \- Gerard had probably suffered through numerous nights like this before alone, and even though Frank never wanted him to experience that again, Gerard was strong, and he would be okay - _right?_

So as much as it hurt Frank to admit it, he had to accept that he couldn't be with Gerard every hour of every day, and he had to trust Gerard to pull through on his own when Frank wasn't there, but _still_ \- Frank was scared, so _fucking_ scared of losing Gerard; the fear had been growing in his chest ever since he discovered the fact that Gerard used to self-harm, and the emotional evening they had spent together had only fed his gnawing worry, because _yes_ \- nothing bad had happened this time, but what if Frank hadn't heard Mikey's phone call, how would the night have ended up if Gerard didn't let him in - _god_ , there was so many what ifs that Frank really didn't want to know the answer to.

But in the end, Frank knew he had to leave, because as much as he loved Gerard, he couldn't constantly keep one eye on him like an overprotective mother, that wasn't healthy for either of them, and Frank highly doubted that Gerard would appreciate being placed on unofficial suicide watch by his boyfriend; that wouldn't be fair to him, even if it would ease the gnawing pit of dread churning in Frank's gut like an out of control serpent.

If Gerard began spiraling again, hopefully he or Mikey would call him; Frank even left a note on Gerard's dressing asking him to do just that if he needed anything, explaining that he had to go to _'work'_ , but he would be back sometime after four in the afternoon if Gerard wanted him to be.

So after pressing a feather light kiss to Gerard's forehead, Frank forced himself to turn away, quietly slipping his shoes on before exiting the apartment on silent feet, breaking into a light jog as soon as the fresh air hit his face in the hopes of arriving home before his mother woke up and noticed the fact that Frank wasn't in his room like he was supposed to be.

~~~

By the time Frank made his way to school, his lack of sleep had already caught up with him, rendering the three cups of coffee he had consumed earlier absolutely useless, his eyes burning and his steps dragging, as if his body was trying to convince him to just give up and lay down on the sidewalk instead of attempting to make it through what would most likely be a day of pointless introductions and no actual work, but Frank pushed onward, running a hand through his hair as he entered the doorway of the large building to begin his final year at this hated place.

Frank had made it home before his mother was up and about, _actually_ \- he ended up having to gently shake her awake so she could start getting ready for work; she hadn't stirred by the time he had finished preparing himself for school, but once he got her out of bed, she seemed relatively fine, hugging him goodbye before Frank began the long walk he chose to make instead of waiting for the bus, and if Frank ignored his mother's vacant expression, he could almost pretend like everything was normal, and in the case of his mother's oddities, it actually was a relatively good day for her.

And maybe Frank was just looking too hard to try and find a problem, because just because his mother had been in a daze didn't mean anything; she was probably just tired - god knows what Frank looked like after his mere three hours of sleep, so he had forced himself to shrug off the lingering worry that ate at his heart while he practically led his mother through her morning routine, because it was _nothing_ , at least, that was what Frank was trying his hardest to convince himself of, and he considered any day a win when his mother recognized him.

Frank shook his head groggily, trying to dispel his lingering worries about his mother, and Gerard, and if he was going to be able to maintain consciousness long enough to be counted present in all of his classes, because Frank had dealt with worse than this before, and in a few hopefully short hours, he could return to Gerard's side, where all of his problems instantly seemed to melt away like ice presented with a blazing flame. 

Everyone else clogging up the hallways seemed to be in a similar state as Frank, groggy and delirious as they did their best to open the metal lockers that seemed just as reluctant to face the day as their human owners, the early hour agreeing with no one except for the chipper teachers that Frank was half convinced were on drugs, because there was no other feasible explanation for how someone could be so damn _happy_ at seven-thirty in the morning.

Frank made his way to his own locker unmolested much to his relief, giving him some hope that maybe his fellow classmates had finally gotten tired of teasing the short boy with the gay father who had abandoned his family in such a scandalous way, or maybe everyone was just too tired to put in the energy involved to throw a few hurtful insults his way.

Whatever the case, Frank enjoyed the respite, because as much as he told himself that he didn't care what people said, or thought, or what rumors they spread behind his back - he _did_ , and it really fucking _hurt_ , so he was relieved that he didn't have to try and present a strong facade while he was literally half dead on his feet from exhaustion.

Frank was correct in his guess about the material they would cover in his lessons, which was the typical first day _'let's get to know you'_ bullshit that Frank thought would have been retired by his senior year - _seriously_ , they had been in this hell hole for long enough now to know all of the teachers and most of the students, so was it really necessary to start his English period with a fucking worksheet about himself?

Reverting to his usual coping method for making it through things he absolutely detested, Frank let his mind wander for most of the morning, halfheartedly participating whenever he happened to be called on by a teacher, then instantly zoning out whenever the attention was removed from him, pulling out his phone at random intervals to see if Gerard had texted him, but he had received nothing so far, and he hoped that meant that his boyfriend was still fast asleep.

There was only one incident when Frank's economics teacher forced them to work in pairs for their pointless activity of the day, causing a stir when his classmates realized that someone would have to be partners with Frank, one person even shouting out that _'Frank should work alone so no one will be at risk of catching the gay off of him'_ , and even though Frank had heard similar slurs numerous times before, it still stung, his fists clenching underneath the desk as he did his best to ignore everyone and pretend like it didn't matter to him either way.

The teacher eventually forced a transfer student to work with Frank, a kind dark haired girl with a unique name that Frank couldn't quite remember, something that sounded like _Jamie_ maybe, and even though she was initially nervous as she took the empty seat next to Frank, she didn't hurl gay jokes at him, and they quickly finished their work without any trouble.

Somehow, Frank made it to his last class of the day without falling asleep, which he felt like he deserved a medal for - _actually_ , more like a fucking parade, with a marching band, and fireworks, and everything for this accomplishment, but in forty minutes, Frank would hopefully be back in Gerard's arms, which was a better reward than all of the previously mentioned prizes by far.

Frank got lost numerous times on the way to his final period, which happened to be music theory, partially because his eyelids refused to stay open for more than five seconds at a time, but also because Frank had never spent much time in the fine arts department before; he was only taking this class because he was required to have at least one credit in a creative area for his transcript to meet the graduation requirements, and band wasn't something you just jumped into, choir was out as well since Frank wouldn't sing in front of people even if you payed him, so music theory was his only option, and it didn't sound so bad.

Frank was interested in music, he just didn't have the time to explore or pursue it, even though he and Pete had harbored dreams of being in a band about a year ago before reality had sunk in, and they realized that their efforts were pointless and would get them nowhere in the long run.

After endless minutes of wandering, during which Frank was shoved into the wall of lockers once or twice, mutters involving things like _'move out of the way gay'_ , or _'homos out of the hallway'_ stinging his ear occasionally until Frank reached the correct room, a sigh of relief escaping his lips as he pushed open the wooden door, the prospect of his day at school being so close to its finale filling his body with a much welcomed surge of energy.

But his casual exhale quickly turned into a startled exclamation of shock when his eyes fell on the teacher who was standing up by the blackboard; he had been attempting to take roll before Frank interrupted him, which meant that Frank was later than he thought, but he didn't really give a flying fuck about that at the moment, because _Gerard_ was here - Gerard was calling students name's with an exhausted expression on his face, his typical casual attire replaced by slim trousers and a fitted waist coat that did wonders for Gerard's body, not that Frank could focus on how hot his boyfriend looked right now when he was too busy having a mental breakdown trying to figure out _why_ he was at his school in the first place.

"Frank?" Gerard whispered, Frank only knowing he had spoken because of the familiar movement of his lips, the word not reaching Frank's ear over the chatter of the other students who were completely ignoring Gerard and Frank at the moment in favor of their mind numbing conversations about how their summer break had been, which was a very good thing, or someone might have been able to sense the awkward tension bubbling up between the two like a frothing sea.

Frank remained frozen in the doorway, his heart beating out of his chest as his mouth hung open unattractively, his mind trying to catch hold of one of the thousands of questions that were currently pricking at his brain painfully, each new inquiry stinging like a white hot needle, but he couldn't seem to get past the fact that this was _Gerard_ standing in front of him - Gerard was apparently his _teacher_ , and _fuck_ \- this was the worst possible event that could ever happen to Frank, or so it seemed to the distraught teenager at the moment, and it most certainly had been the last thing he had expected to occur when he left Gerard sleeping so peacefully this morning.

This couldn't be real, this had to be a hallucination, or a vivid dream, one of those _'holy shit - I turned up to school in my underwear'_ nightmares that every child had at least once in their life, except this one had the mature twist of _'I'm fucking an older man, which was already pretty messed up, but now he is my teacher'_ , which was much more unique, but also extremely mortifying, and Frank would gladly have walked into class naked if it meant that Gerard wouldn't have been here.

 _Seriously_ \- how did Frank not know that Gerard was a teacher, he was sure he would have remembered that major detail if it was ever mentioned, and _yes_ \- Frank had never specifically asked what Gerard did for a living, but he assumed that he was surviving off his funds from the band given the way Gerard never seemed busy, and he was always available at all times of the night or day, but now Frank knew the truth, but even so - why did Gerard pick _this school_ , this stupid, private, Catholic school that would probably bathe Gerard in holy water if they knew he was gay, fuck knows what they would resort to if they discovered that he was fucking a minor as well, and it wasn't as if this was the only school in the area, the main public school was much closer to his apartment, so why couldn't Gerard have searched for employment there?

None of these questions were helping Frank understand Gerard's presence though, and he would never get any answers until he actually spoke with Gerard, but he had to make it through this class first before he was able to get his boyfriend alone; _still_ \- that knowledge didn't stop Frank from repeating the endless mantra of inquires over and over again in his fucked up head, his skull aching as if the new information was causing his grey matter to swell, pushing against the hard bone surrounding it in search of some relief, of a way out, or something - _anything_.

Frank's emotions were going haywire as his eyes trailed up and down Gerard's stiff body; he hadn't felt this powerful cocktail of hurt and confusion since his father had left him so long ago, but now he was reminded of exactly how horrendous that experience had been, and in a convoluted way, Frank related this moment to that old memory he rarely drug up, because his father wasn't supposed to abandon his family, he wasn't supposed to vanish without a trace, but he _had_ , and now Gerard was betraying Frank's trust in a similar fashion.

Not that Frank truly believed that Gerard had meant to hurt Frank when he took this job, that was just ridiculous, and Frank could tell by the expression on Gerard's face that he had been clueless about the fact that Frank attended this school, but _still_ \- Gerard was supposed to be the embodiment of all things good in Frank's life, he was supposed to be the one person that Frank could turn to when he needed to get away, and now that facade was ruined because of Gerard's involvement in Frank's scholastic career, and Frank wasn't sure if things could ever go back to the way they were before, no matter how badly he desired them to.

Frank wasn't sure how long he stood there, his limbs frozen in horror as his brain scrambled to process how truly fucked Frank was, attempting to think of a logical way to explain his presence in this class to his boyfriend, but it was too late, there was nothing Frank could do to save himself now, it was all up to Gerard, and his reaction to this newfound information about his boyfriend.

And Frank knew this was going to happen eventually, it was inevitable that Gerard would discover Frank's age one way or another, either by Frank finally telling him, which honestly wasn't likely, or by some unfortunate slip of the tongue that Frank wouldn't be able to pass off, but it wasn't supposed to be like _this_ : not this sudden, not in such an unfair manner, not with such an impossible chance of ever making things right again.

Frank swayed unsteadily as the full weight of Gerard being his teacher and everything that entailed crashed down onto his shoulders, his stomach roiling violently as his body physically reacted to the stress, and despair, and terror that Frank was currently experiencing, but Frank couldn't fall apart here, making a scene would only bring more eyes to him, making his private melt down into a public affair; people were already beginning to shoot him questioning glances out of the corner of their eyes, and Frank wasn't quite sure how he would explain his adverse reaction to seeing Gerard without giving everything away if people started inquiring about it.

For one moment, Gerard appeared just as flabbergasted as Frank felt, but he quickly pulled his teacher persona back into place, hiding his shock, and his confusion, and worst of all - his _pain_ behind that glassy eyed expression that Frank had grown to hate, his body turning away from where Frank still stood like an idiot in the doorway before rapping his knuckles against the desk, a surprisingly loud sound emitting from the faded wood, instantly causing the class to shut their mouths and slap on their most innocent faces as if that would make Gerard forgot about their loud conversations that had been taking place not five seconds ago.

"If you would all please sit down and kindly shut up so I can finish taking roll," Gerard spoke up loudly, his voice shaking slightly, but Frank was probably the only one who noticed, drawing the attention of the class back to him, leaving Frank to awkwardly scuttle into a seat in the back row despite the strong desire to bolt that rose up within him, keeping his head down, but his eyes remained discreetly glued to Gerard the entire time.

As Gerard continued to call out names, Frank did his best to regulate his erratic breathing, but it wasn't working - _fuck_ , Frank felt as if he was on the verge of a panic attack, which was not something he had experienced very often, but he still remembered the horrors of the few he had been through directly after his father had disappeared from his life.

"Frank Iero." Gerard's voice brought Frank's head up from where it had been leaning against his chest, his hand raising into the air halfheartedly to let Gerard - _no_ \- Mr. Way know that he was here, and even though Gerard immediately looked away after giving Frank a curt nod, just the small glimpse of his hazel eyes had Frank sucking in a deep breath, his mind automatically associating Gerard with calmness, even though he was the cause of Frank's distress at the moment.

"Hey - someone finally said the fag's name right," someone chuckled cruelly; Frank didn't even bother to look up to ascertain who had spoken, and it was true, every teacher so far had botched the way his last name was supposed to be pronounced, but _of course_ Gerard wouldn't, because he knew so much more about Frank than he should have.

"Why yes I did - I happen to have Italian roots, which is where the name Iero comes from, and I also have a strong hatred for the word _fag_ ," Gerard shuddered slightly to exhibit his disgust for being forced to voice the term as he spoke, "so if you don't want to spend the rest of the school year serving detentions with me every afternoon, I suggest that you erase that particular slur from your vocabulary entirely," Gerard remarked calmly, startling the entire class by calling out whoever had decided to tease Frank for the day, because even though teachers had stepped in before, it was usually just a unenthusiastic _'quiet down'_ , not a full scale defense.

Frank found himself smiling weakly despite the horrendous situation he found himself in, because Gerard was doing his best to protect him, even though it would probably backfire in the end, earning Frank the name of _'teacher's pet'_ , which he really needed to avoid, especially given the fact that he was quite a bit more than that to Gerard, but _still_ \- Gerard's willingness to ruin his reputation with his class on the first day had Frank relaxing slightly, his eyes trying to meet Gerard's so he could convey a silent thank you to his boyfriend, but Gerard refused to meet his gaze.

Frank's positive outlook quickly dissipated as Gerard continued roll call where he had left off, leaving Frank with nothing to do but try and think of a way to salvage his relationship with Gerard, because this was bad - _really_ fucking bad, _illegal_ actually, even though their situation had already been classified as that before given Frank's age, but now that Gerard was his teacher, it made this entire mess a thousand times worse.

Gerard might be willing to look past the fact that Frank was seventeen - if Frank ever got around to telling him that is, but _this_ \- this wasn't something that was so easily ignored; Gerard could get fired if his relationship with Frank was ever brought to light, he could go to jail, or _worse_ \- at least in Frank's fucked up mind, Gerard could break up with him, he could cut Frank off before anyone found out that he had been dating a minor, minimizing the damage their short dalliance might cause to his life, destroying Frank's in the process, because even though Frank hadn't been with Gerard for very long, Gerard was already _everything_ to him, and his loss would leave Frank with nothing left, it would push him down the last few steps of the rickety staircase that Frank had been balancing himself on for years with nothing but endless despair awaiting him at the bottom.

"Okay - so now that I know all of your names, let's get on with the class," Gerard smiled weakly, rubbing his hands together in a way that Frank knew meant he was nervous as he stared out over the slightly bored looking sea of students, his eyes skipping over Frank as he continued to take in the room. "I've been informed by the other teachers that today is usually an easy day, so I have a little activity for you guys to keep yourself busy with while I try to figure out how to pretend to be a teacher," Gerard chuckled wryly.

Gerard grabbed a stack of papers from his desk, handing them to the person in the front of each row before returning to his previous position, steepling his fingers in front of his torso as he waited for the worksheets to reach the students in the back, still ignoring Frank's pleading gaze, no matter how long Frank stared at him.

Frank wasn't sure exactly why he was trying so hard to get Gerard's attention, because it wasn't like they could talk this out with twenty-five other people in the room, that would have to wait until after class, but maybe if Gerard just looked Frank's way, maybe if Frank didn't glimpse any anger in his eyes, then he would know that everything would be okay, he would have hope that he and Gerard could work through this somehow, but Gerard didn't seem to want to give Frank the reassurance he so desperately needed.

"So I know you are probably tired of this boring _'get to know each other'_ crap that everyone is forcing you to do, but I'm new at this, so I'm following the crowd for today, and you basically get a free period, so I don't want to hear any complaints." Gerard earned a few stifled giggles from the class for his statement; apparently his laid back attitude was much appreciated, and if Frank hadn't been fucking Gerard, he might have enjoyed this lesson too. "This shouldn't take too long, but I want you to actually put some thought into it. All you need to do is write down three songs lyrics - title works too if you want - that describe you, but you also have to write a few paragraphs under each one explaining why you chose them. It can be any song, so try and use up the whole period doing that so I don't have to pull something else out of my sleeve."

Frank forced himself to look down at the paper that had been carelessly tossed on his table by the girl in front of him, trying to let the words penetrate his foggy brain, and even though the assignment was generally simple, Frank didn't see it that way, because this was his chance, he could apologize to Gerard in the form of coursework, he could put down lyrics that showed his inner torment and regret so much better than his own paltry words ever could.

Now all Frank had to do was find the proper lines with which to express himself, which was easier said than done when all Frank could think about was Gerard, and why he still hasn't looked at him, and if Gerard was still his boyfriend, or if everything was ending before they hardly had a chance to begin - _fuck_ , Frank couldn't handle this, it was already taking all the willpower he possessed not to run out of the room and hide somewhere until he had gotten better control of his unruly emotions, so adding anything else to that, even a menial assignment was bringing Frank to his breaking point.

But Frank forced himself to stay, because despite the possibly unhealthy way his heart was pounding in his chest, and the faint taste of bile that had begun to fill his mouth when he considered the conversation he and Gerard would have after this class was over, and how many of the outcomes for said conversation would end up decimating Frank completely, he pushed all of his terror away, picking up his pencil with a shaky hand and wracking his brain for the perfect lyrics to pen down that would explain to Gerard why he had lied, and how much he cared, and how much he wanted - no - _needed_ Gerard to forgive him.


	18. The Obliteration Of Frank Iero

Frank rolled his pencil back and forth on his desk, the irritating sound grating on his already shot nerves, but it was as if Frank was physically incapable of stopping the pointless, repetitive action, because it was a distraction, it was movement, it was something to do, and if Frank didn't keep himself occupied, everything would catch up to him; the weighty anxiety caused by Gerard's presence at the front of the class would drag him down into the bowels of the earth, suffocating Frank before he could claw his way out, his lungs would fill with dirt, rendering him helpless and unable to scream, until he finally gave in, losing himself completely before his last breath left his body.

The blank space at the bottom of Frank's worksheet mocked him every time the pencil passed over it, the white paper just waiting for Frank to add his final lyric to it, the other two had come easily to Frank, almost as if he knew this day would come, and he had been storing the words away for when he would have to explain himself to Gerard, but now Frank was stuck, all thought process halted, because this was his last chance, his last words, his last  _everything_ , and he only had fifteen more minutes left in class before Gerard would collect the paper that Frank had poured his heart and soul onto.

But Frank's grand gesture wouldn't accomplish its desired task if Frank didn't find the perfect words to sum everything up, because what he had so far was good, it was passable, but it wasn't  _enough_  - not even close, and  _yes_  - Frank was well aware that he was placing an unrealistic amount of hope on this stupid assignment, and it was possible that it wouldn't change anything, Gerard might not even read it, so Frank needed to hurry the fuck up and just pick something already, but he didn't want to force himself into a hasty decision that he would regret later on.

Because this was  _important_ , even if Gerard didn't see it that way,  _Frank_  did, and all of his crumbling dreams of a perfect relationship with Gerard were now tangled up in this pointless busy work that Gerard probably had no intention of grading, but that didn't matter right now,  _nothing_  did, besides for Frank finishing the assignment, because then he could talk to Gerard, he could show him how sorry he was, and then maybe this sensation of choking to death on his own emotions would vacate Frank's shaky body, letting him breath freely for the first time in almost an hour.

But Frank was quickly losing the motivation he had possessed earlier on, his fears rearing up again now that class was so close to ending; Frank's heart was beating loudly, so loudly that Frank was positive that everyone in the small room could hear it, even though no one had reacted to the thumping noise so far, in fact - no one was even  _looking_ at him, which was for the best, because Frank had begun to tremble again, his exhalations rasping as they escaped his rapidly closing throat, and Frank didn't want anyone drawing attention to his mostly silent panic attack he was currently experiencing. 

Frank focused his gaze back at his paper again, glancing over the now nearly memorized sentences that he had penned down frantically, an expression of distaste twisting his mouth as what had once seemed so genuine and heartfelt began to appear juvenile and pathetic with this most recent read through.

**1\. I'll be so alone without you, maybe you'll be lonesome too. - Misfits**

**I'm so sorry Gerard, I am...I never meant for you to find out this way. I wish there was no reason for me to lie to you in the first place, but I need you - I swear, and this doesn't change anything. I am still the same Frank I was yesterday, and I hope this doesn't mean that your feelings for me have gone away, because I don't want to be alone...please?**

**2\. I'm lucky to have met you, I don't care what you think, unless it is about me - Nirvana**

**I mean this Gerard, I really do, and I know I have never really told you in person, but you are so fucking important to me. It is as if the entire world falls away when I am with you, and it's just you and me - no one else exists, nothing bad can get to me when you are around, and I feel safe for the first time in forever. I want to make you feel that way too, and that is why I lied. I couldn't fuck up any chance I ever had with you before I found out if there was anything there...and there was, fuck - I hope you feel the same way.**

Frank sighed heavily, fighting the urge to shred his hard work into a thousand tiny pieces, because this was a stupid idea, this was too personal, too open; Frank hated the way he had exposed himself on paper, his childlike prose ruining the intensity of what he was trying to say, even though he had rewritten his statement five times over by now, the remnants of his eraser shavings tinting the once white page a pale pink color.

Gerard would probably rip it up as soon as he read it anyway, if not out of spite, then to destroy any evidence of his dalliance with a student, if he even took the time to glance at it that is, and Frank's knew that his heart would tear with the fragile paper, the organ would shatter without Gerard there to hold it in his soft hands, leaving Frank a shell of what he once was, and there wasn't much of him left to shred in the first place.

Frank tried to calm himself by thinking of best case scenarios, which had never been his strong point, but he had to try  _something_ , so he imagined Gerard smiling at him as soon as the other students vacated the room, his long legs striding to Frank's side as his familiar arms embraced Frank, his soothing voice telling Frank that it was okay, that Gerard forgave him, and that nothing had changed, and nothing ever would.

That was ridiculous though, the scenario so laughable that Frank couldn't manage to convince himself that it was a possible outcome, because he knew Gerard was upset with him, maybe even  _furious_ ; he could tell by the upright position he held himself in, his stiff shoulders, the way he completely ignored the portion of the classroom that contained Frank in it, even when the two boys to Frank's left began throwing spit balls back and forth, or maybe notes, Frank didn't know, and he didn't care, because now that he had worked up the courage to look at Gerard again, he couldn't look away.

Gerard never once glanced in his direction, his eyes remained glued to his desk, scanning over an assortment of papers that he appeared to be pretending to grade, which was bullshit, because this was the first day of school, and even if Gerard had other classes besides this one, Frank highly doubted that he had produced a different lesson plan for each period, so unless he was seriously marking the pointless assignment he had given them, then Gerard was just faking it.

Gerard's inhaled sharply before glancing up at the clock hanging above his head, his fingers shaking as he fumbled with his ballpoint pen, the loud hiss of air whistling past his teeth in an eerie manner, drawing no one's attention but Frank's of course.

The motion finally put Gerard's irises on display for one short moment, and  _fuck_ , they were watery - clouded with despair, and hurt, and betrayal, but then they were gone as soon as they had come, Gerard turning his back to the room so he could start wiping off his name and the class period information from the large chalkboard, his hand moving so slowly it would take him the entire ten minutes remaining in the day to finish his task.

Frank shifted in his seat, trying to dispel the spike of guilt that shot through his vertebrae when he saw Gerard's face, because _fuck_  - he had caused that, he had wounded Gerard, and Frank never wanted that, he never intended for this to happen, but it  _had_ , and now Frank had to live with this cloying feeling inside of his chest, this ache that had formed the second he had walked into class to find Gerard staring back at him.

And  _fuck_  - it hurt, it hurt so much that Frank wondered if he was somehow dying, his one hand coming up to pinch the excess flesh between his thumb and pointer finger roughly, just so he could separate physical pain from the emotional agony he was in. His skin smarted where his two digits pressed against it, but it didn't feel real, as if he had somehow vacated his body, taking only his mind with him, and no corporeal sensations could reach him wherever he was now.

And in that moment, Frank almost hoped for a violent confrontation when he and Gerard could finally be alone, he wanted Gerard to hit him, to punch him in the face, to make him bleed externally as well as internally, because maybe that would lessen some of the torment that Frank was putting himself through, maybe that would make everything okay, and for one second, Frank understood why Gerard self-harmed, he empathized with him, even though he had never committed the act before, but right now, Frank would do anything to make this mess in his head go away, even going so far as to take a blade to his skin.

But  _no_  - Frank wouldn't do that, not  _really_ , because that wouldn't fix anything, it would only make everything worse actually, and Frank didn't truly want to hurt himself, he just wanted  _Gerard_ , he wanted to know that he and his boyfriend were okay, and that they could work through this, but to do that, Frank needed to finish this damn worksheet to show Gerard that he still need him, and that he knew how badly he had fucked up, but he was going to do his best to fix this, if Gerard let him that is.

But the words still wouldn't appear, no matter how hard Frank wracked his brain, causing him to release an almost silent groan of frustration. Frank needed the right lyrics, the right feelings, the right  _emotions_ ; he couldn't turn in this assignment unfinished, he didn't know why, but the fact remained that it was an unthinkable option,  _still_  - as Frank mentally sorted through all of his favorite songs for the hundredth time, he quickly discarded every one, because nothing was good enough, nothing  _clicked_ , and Frank couldn't pen down a line that wasn't absolutely  _perfect_.

But just when Frank had reached a dead end, he was suddenly hit with an old memory; he could almost see himself and Pete behind his shut eyelids, a younger version of the two of them, Pete messing around with a guitar he had borrowed from his cousin for the weekend as Frank fiddled with his empty hands awkwardly.

_"So how is this going to work...we can't really form a band with two people," Frank sighed, his eyes rolling toward his friend who was busy pretending he knew what he was doing with the instrument in his lap._

_"It can work - trust me, I mean, we will need to find a drummer eventually, but for now, I can play guitar, and you can sing."_

_"Fuck you Pete, I'm not singing," Frank pouted, his arms folding stubbornly in front of him as his best friend transformed his face into his trademark puppy dog pout._

_"But Frank..."_

_"No - I'll write songs, but I'm not fucking singing them, I want to play the guitar," Frank stated defiantly, not letting Pete get a word in edgewise._

_"You know what, we can figure this out later when we actually have some lyrics to work with," Pete huffed, setting the guitar down gently so he could fling himself onto his bed in a petulant fashion._

_"Well...I think I already have some stuff we could use, it was supposed to be poetry, but they could work for songs too," Frank mumbled, pulling his battered notebook out of his backpack warily, not completely willing to expose this part of himself to anyone just yet, but he wanted this band to work, and Pete was the only person in the world he could ever considering trusting with this._

_"Let me see." Pete sat up slightly, making grabby hands for the book like a small child, causing Frank to chuckle under his breath before handing it to his friend._

_Pete was silent as he cracked the cover open, his eyes scanning over the pages where Frank had scribbled out whatever had come to mind, Frank's breath catching in his throat as he waited for Pete's reaction, because even though Frank knew his words weren't that good, he still wanted Pete to like them, because it was special to Frank, it came from a hidden place deep inside of him, and if Pete hated them, then that meant that a part of him hated Frank, even if he would never admit to that._

_"Dude..." Pete drawled, his exclamation startling Frank out of the spiraling vortex composed of his thoughts. "This - wow...these are fucking incredible."_

_"Yeah?" Frank asked nervously, a shy smile making its way onto his face as Pete grinned back at him._

_"Hell yeah."_

Frank had almost forgotten about that occasion until just now, which was understandable; he and Pete had given up on their dream of forming a band maybe a month later, the difficulties of learning guitar and neither of them being totally willing to sing had cut the legs out from under their childish endeavor, and they had both quickly moved on to another hobby with no tears being shed.

But even though Frank couldn't really sing, he was still proud of his compositions, even though no one's eyes besides for Pete's had ever beheld them, but now someone else's would, because Frank was recalling a song he had actually managed to complete, and the lyrics finished the puzzle that was Frank's assignment, even though it was an entire piece, not a single line, but still, it escaped from the pencil in his hand onto the paper in front of him before Frank was even aware that he was writing it down, which meant that Gerard was going to view it, and even though the thought had Frank trembling with nerves again, he had to do this, and what better way to show Gerard how he felt then by using his own words in the explanation.

**3\. I hate the things I do**   
**And all the shit I put you through**   
**It's tragic, I'm static**   
**I am the world's worst,**   
**I am my own worst enemy,**   
**And I hate me**

**Most days I can't believe I'm still here**   
**Most days I'm surprised**

**You want a new life**   
**I wanna do what's right by you**   
**But I can't seem to get my shit together,**   
**Not ever, no matter how hard I try,**   
**I never seem to get it right**

**I'm sick of having you depend on me**   
**Cause I'll let you down like I always do**   
**I am the world's worst,**   
**I am my own worst**   
**It's crazy you stuck with me**

**Most days I can't believe you're still here**   
**Most days I heard you cry**

**You want a new lie**   
**I wanna do what's right by you**   
**But I can't seem to get my shit together,**   
**Not ever, no matter how hard I try,**   
**I never seem to get it right**

**And through all the times we've had**   
**I never saw what you saw in me**   
**Through all the times we've tried,**   
**I could never be what you needed of me**   
**But I wish I were**

**You want a new line**   
**I wanna do what's right by you**   
**But I can't seem to get my shit together,**   
**Not ever, no matter how hard I try,**   
**I never seem to get it right**

**I still remember how I made you feel,**   
**Once upon a time - Frank Iero**

Frank completed penning out his name with a sigh of relief, the frantic scratching of his pencil finally going silent, Frank deciding to forgo an explanation in lieu of the excess of lyrics, because if Gerard didn't understand Frank's meaning, there was no other way he would be able to convey it to him.

Just then, the bell rang out harshly, the piercing sound starling Frank so much that he gasped aloud, earning a few snickers from his classmates, but Frank's odd reaction was quickly forgotten about when Gerard began to speak, his words quick and clipped since the students were already hedging toward the exit to the classroom.

"Okay guys, papers on my desk before you leave. If you didn't finish, you can take it home, but I expect it completed by next class. You will all receive a participation credit for this if you put some effort into it." Gerard's words were almost completely muffled by the sound of chairs scraping against tile, laughter and loud chatter filling the air as everyone quickly tossed their assignment onto Gerard's desk, barely waiting for his nod of approval before bolting outside without a backward glance, which meant no one noticed Frank still in his seat, his head bent over his work as he reread what he had come up with one last time.

It took Frank much longer than it should have for him to find the courage to lift his eyes from the blurred pencil lines, and by that time, he was almost expecting Gerard to have vacated the room as well, but _no_  - he was still here, his back hunched over his chair, his head in his long fingered hands, the palms pressing against his eyes so hard that Frank was slightly worried that his sockets would break under the pressure.

"Gerard..." Frank whispered, his body slipping out of his seat so he could approach his boyfriend -  _his teacher_ , the paper he had worked so hard on clenched in one shaking fist.

Gerard flinched visibly at the utterance of his name, but he made no other sign that he had heard Frank, his posture never changing as Frank stopped in front of his desk, his eyes glancing toward the door which someone had been kind enough to close behind them, making sure that there were no witnesses present, because whatever was about to occur, Frank didn't want it broadcasted all over the entire school.

"I - I finished my assignment." Frank had to pause to swallow heavily, his tongue attempting to return moisture to his desert dry mouth. "Do you want to read it?" Frank asked, Gerard's continued silence unnerving him completely, all of the words Frank had been planning on saying escaping his head as if the place was on fire and they had to flee before they were burned to a crisp, the ones that stayed behind disappearing in a flash of flame and ashes, leaving Frank empty and scrambling in their wake.  

Gerard moved then, one hand gesturing weakly to the haphazard pile of papers littering the wooden surface in front of him, his face tactically turned away from Frank's still, causing hot bubbles of vexation to burst in Frank's chest, lending him the strength to press onward, even though he was clueless on how to capture Gerard's attention.

"Gerard...I just want to say that I -"

"No," Gerard snapped suddenly, his palms smacking against the desk as he pushed himself to his feet roughly, his hazel irises blazing with unrestrained rage when he finally looked in Frank's direction, his threatening stance causing Frank to cower in his place, fear inundating his bloodstream as word continued to spew from Gerard's lips. "Unless you are going to tell me that you failed out, and you are somehow actually nineteen, then I don't want to fucking hear it."

"I -" Frank opened his mouth, only to snap it shut when Gerard continued speaking, ignoring Frank entirely as he began to gesture wildly, the motions punctuating every other word.

"And don't even think about lying to me again - I can access your records now, and I  _will_  find out if you do," Gerard seethed, his anger emitting from him in a palpable wave that Frank swore was singeing his skin as it passed over him.

"I - I'm seventeen Gerard, that's the truth, and I'm  _so_  sorry that I didn't tell you before, but I -"

"Get out," Gerard cut Frank off again, his tone cold and impassive, which was somehow more terrifying than his earlier fury had been.

Frank's entire body froze at Gerard's utterance, because out of all the possible outcomes for this conversation, Gerard's blatant refusal to give Frank a chance to explain himself hadn't been something he factored into the equation; he had been prepared for tears, or hate filled words, even physical violence, but not this -  _never_  this.

"Wait -  _please_ , just let me explain..."

"Get the fuck out of my face," Gerard ordered, his voice breaking at the end of his statement, and even though Frank didn't want to obey, because he needed to stay and fix this, he couldn't leave before he made things right, Frank found his feet reacting to Gerard's harsh tone, his small frame exiting the room before Gerard could rip him apart any further, his stomach roiling violently as hot tears began to spill down his cheeks.

Frank thought he heard a soft sob coming from the room behind him, but as much as he yearned to turn around and throw himself into Gerard's arms, to cling to him fiercely until Gerard was forced to listen to him, Frank had already given in to his instincts to flee, his body was protecting him from any more pain by removing him from the situation before it could devolve any further, but the damage was already done, and Frank was surprised that he wasn't bleeding out from the crushed organ in his chest, he felt as if there should be a trail of crimson liquid gushing from his every orifice, leaving a gruesome trail behind him as his stumbled down the empty hallway.

Frank ducked into the first bathroom he spied, not even paying attention to the signs to make sure he hadn't accidentally entered the girl's room, but everyone had long ago disappeared from the school grounds, leaving Frank gloriously alone as he threw himself in front of the closest toilet, his chest heaving as he began gagging uncontrollably, the sudden urge to vomit rising up from seemingly nowhere, the overwhelming stress of the afternoon pushing Frank to the point of being seriously ill, the anxiety, and the stress, and the heartbreak destroying his cells faster than any true sickness ever could.

Frank whimpered to himself as the small amount of food he had eaten today escaped from his mouth, the bile burning his throat and causing even more tears to make tracks down his sweat soaked face, harsh coughs wracking his frame in-between each expulsion of his stomach contents until Frank was empty, nothing but soft gasps leaving his mouth as he rested his head on the grimy lid in front of him.

Frank wasn't sure how long he sat there, doing his best to gulp down as much oxygen as his body could handle, trying to mentally soothe his insides back into a calmer state, because he couldn't stay here wallowing in his own pity, he couldn't accept defeat this easily, even though Gerard had made it perfectly clear that he wasn't going to give Frank a chance to fight for them, but  _still_  - Frank had to try at least one more time.

Frank wailed pitifully as tried to stand up, but he couldn't do it, his limbs were weak and shaky, and despite the part of him that ached to return to the classroom and beg Gerard to listen to him, the other half of Frank couldn't face his boyfriend -  _ex-boyfriend_  right now, not in this weakened state, and Gerard had most likely left by this time anyway; he had no reason to stick around, especially since he had made it abundantly clear that he was washing his hands of Frank entirely.

"Oh god," Frank groaned to himself, his hands coming up to clutch at his midsection as another hot spike of pain twisted inside his belly, but he had nothing left to throw up, no way to relieve the burning cramps that were slowly ripping Frank to shreds.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Frank whispered to the empty room, wishing that there was some way Gerard could hear him, needing his comforting arms around him right now, his scent erasing the stench of vomit and sweat from the muggy air, his hands running gently through Frank's hair as he gagged once again, spitting weakly into the bowl when nothing came out.

Frank had never felt this way before, not even when his father left; that had been a muted pain, something he had compressed and compartmentalized, the hurt only seeping through on the rare occasions in which Frank let his defenses fall, but  _this_  - this was akin to total  _obliteration_ , Gerard's rejection was a bomb placed directly in front of Frank's face, the explosion blowing him backward with nothing to catch him, the shrapnel piercing every inch of his skin, the burns flaring up each time he moved, and  _fuck_  - Frank was lost now, without Gerard, he had nothing, not even the strength to get up off the disgusting tile floor he was currently sprawled upon, all he could do was cry, broken sobs wracking his aching body as he mourned the loss of the best thing in his entire life.


	19. In Which Mikey Is High As Fuck And Gerard Is MIA

Frank had resigned himself to spending the rest of the afternoon in the dingy bathroom he had secreted himself away in, because any other option was unthinkable right now; if he moved, he would have to face reality once more, he would have to accept that Gerard was gone, that Gerard had left him here alone, with only his stinging words that seemed to still be hanging in the muggy air as a goodbye.

And honestly, Frank didn't know if he could physically get up, much less make the walk home in his current condition. His muscles had turned to jelly as soon as he had allowed himself to collapse, his entire body seemed drained and weak, as if all of his vitality had been tied up in his relationship with Gerard, and now that he had removed himself from Frank's life, he had nothing left, not even his motor functions.

And  _really_  - Frank knew he was overreacting, and it was borderline pathetic that he was this despondent over the loss of someone he had only been dating for two weeks, and he had barely known for a month in total, but Gerard wasn't just a good fuck, or a boyfriend, at least not to Frank.

 _No_  - Gerard was so much more than that, he was special, he was important, hell - he was  _everything_  to Frank right now, he was literally a pivotal point in Frank's pathetic timeline, he embodied happiness, and hope, and all the good things that had been absent from Frank's world for far too long.

Frank hadn't even realized how miserable his existence had been until Gerard shed light onto his current situation, because Frank thought he had been fine before, he hadn't been fantastic, but he was  _alive_ , and he was coping, but now that Frank was aware of what he was missing out on, his old habits and routines seemed abhorrent to him, and without his usual coping methods for his melancholy, Frank was left with nothing to numb the agony that was slowly tearing him apart.

Frank couldn't go fuck this pain away, not this time, it would only remind him of Gerard, of his lips, his arms wrapped around him, his tender touches as his hands trailed down Frank's body, and  _fuck_  - the images filling his head had unleashed a second round of tears that Frank didn't believe his dehydrated body was capable of producing, but obviously it had found a hidden storeroom of the salty liquid somewhere, much to Frank's dismay.

Frank didn't even want to drink, not when he felt this awful, and he truly didn't think that alcohol would do him any good right now; the buzz was how he allowed himself to break down his self-imposed walls and release the emotions caged up inside of him before they burst, but the eruption had already happened, Frank was cracked wide open, spewing his sorrow out in a heavy torrent that seemed never ending, and adding liquor to his sensitive stomach could only end badly.

Frank began to wonder how Gerard was dealing with his newfound knowledge of Frank, and if he truly intended to leave Frank for good, or if he just needed some time to process the fact that Frank wasn't the age he thought he was,  _fuck_  - Frank desperately hoped that Gerard was at least considering the second option, because if he wasn't -  _oh god_  - Frank wasn't able to finish the train of thought, not even in his head.

Gerard couldn't just leave Frank like that, not without a more definite form of closure, a last farewell, something -  _anything_. Frank knew Gerard cared about him, and  _yes_  - Frank had lied, but Gerard wouldn't be so cruel as to ignore Frank indefinitely as punishment for his actions -  _would he_?

 _No_  - Frank didn't think that he would; Gerard had been upset earlier as well as angry, maybe even on the verge of tears, and he probably hadn't wanted Frank around while he broke down, but that thought did nothing to make Frank feel any better - in fact, his chest ached at the thought of Gerard experiencing the same pain Frank was currently suffering through.

And Frank now had firsthand experience of what Gerard was like when he let his emotions bleed through, and although Frank had never discovered the cause of Gerard's meltdown last night, Frank could only imagine that the bombshell he had dropped on Gerard would produce a similar scenario, but this time he wouldn't have Frank there to tell him that everything would be okay, and  _fuck_  - that scared Frank more than anything else had so far, even more than the dismal pictures flickering across his brain featuring his future without Gerard in it.

Frank's breathing began to hitch in his throat as he tried to imagine where Gerard was right now, and what he was doing at this moment in time; he could still be in his classroom, trying to compose himself before heading home, but what if he  _wasn't_ , what if was drinking, or driving recklessly, or  _worse_  - what if he hurt himself when he got back to his apartment, and Mikey wasn't there to stop him.

Frank slammed his head against the stall door in frustration, trying to force his mind to alter directions before Frank began seeing Gerard bleeding and alone behind his closed eyelids, because it wasn't helping anything,  _hell_  - it was just making everything worse, and Gerard was probably fine - he had to be, Frank didn't want to consider any other option.

As Frank continued to cry softly, he was struck with how dismal of a picture he presented right now, it was almost embarrassing actually, even though it was a scene that probably happened often in high school bathrooms, but most students wouldn't be mourning the loss of an illegal relationship with their teacher, which is what Frank had been involved in, regardless of the fact that he hadn't been aware of Gerard's occupation at the time.

It was only when the door leading into the facilities creaked open that Frank found the motivation to pull himself together, a shaky hand quickly wiping at his wet face in a half assed attempt to erase the tear stains coating his skin, because regardless of how abysmal Frank felt, he didn't want a witness to his personal breakdown, and the possible mortification of being caught in such a wretched position inspired him to regain his feet, ignoring the way he swayed unsteadily from side to side in the process. 

And for one moment, Frank's heart began to beat again for the first time since Gerard had ripped it out with his callous words, because Frank was allowing himself to entertain the idea that it might be Gerard himself entering the small restroom, maybe he had come looking for Frank, maybe he regretted everything already, maybe he was here to apologize.

But  _no_  - it wasn't Gerard, which Frank ascertained when he finally managed to move his aching body across the moldy floor, his neck craning to the left so he could get a visual of the person who had intruded upon Frank's sorrowful solitude, only to be met with the figure of an older gentleman that Frank vaguely recognized as one of the chemistry teachers, his name slipped his mind, but Frank had never taken a class with him, so he quite possibly had never learned it.

And when Frank became aware of the fact that it wasn't Gerard sharing the room with him, it was as if all of the emotions he had poured out over the past hour - or  _however_  long he had been in here renewed themselves all at once, the crushing sensation threatening to break Frank's knees with the force of them, and  _fuck_  - it was all Frank could do to keep his feet, and much to his chagrin, a strangled sob escaped past his chapped lips before he could halt it.

"Son...are you okay?" the nameless teacher spoke up, a look of concern crossing his wrinkled face as he peered down at Frank curiously.

"Fine - just uh...sick," Frank stammered out, his throat burning with each word, and even the simple act of speaking began to drain the small amount of energy that Frank had managed to amass from somewhere when the risk of discovery had become prevalent.

"Oh...well do you have a ride home, the buses have already left," the man continued to pry, and even though Frank wanted to scream at him, to beg him to leave him alone, he knew better than to draw that much attention to himself, not unless he wanted to end up in the office with the principle trying to play therapist with him.

"Yeah - my mom's coming, I was just about to go meet her," Frank lied through his teeth, stumbling over to the sink as the teacher nodded in approval, cupping as much water in his joined hands as he could before bringing it to his mouth, swishing the lukewarm liquid around in an attempt to erase the bitter taste of bile from his tongue.

Frank exited the bathroom after sending a halfhearted wave to the unnamed teacher, his legs trembling as he shuffled down the hallway like an invalid instead of a perfectly healthy teenager, but in all reality, Frank felt seventy instead of seventeen, the sharp spikes of nausea that were still welling in his gut forcing him to walk slowly and half hunched over in the hopes of avoiding another round of pointless dry heaves.

Frank had originally been intending on vacating the premises, but the unusual lightness of his shoulders reminded him that he had left his backpack on the floor next to his desk, and as much as he loathed the thought of returning to the room that had been the site of his complete annihilation, Frank had to retrieve his things, his mother would be furious if she discovered that he had misplaced his school books on the first day, and Frank didn't want to count on luck being on his side, because with the route today was taking, she would be in one of those moods where she wouldn't let Frank out of her sight, noticing every strange nuisance of his behavior instead of ignoring him for once.

So with reluctant steps, Frank approached the music theory classroom in which Gerard had recently crushed Frank's most vital organ, and even though Frank didn't think he was physically capable of dealing with another confrontation with his ex-boyfriend right now, a part of him was also craving it, even if Gerard was only going to scream at him again, Frank needed to see him, to hear his voice just one more time, anything to erase his scathing words from earlier, because nothing could possibly hurt as much as the constant repetition of Gerard's short outburst that was stuck on an endless loop inside his head did.

But when Frank gently cracked open the closed door, he found the room deserted, all signs pointing to the fact that Gerard had exited the building for the day, leaving Frank filled with another crushing sense of disappointment, and  _really_ , he didn't think he could handle any more pain without suffering some sort of massive heart failure, but the gun Gerard had shot him with continued to fire a seemingly endless supply of bullets, even after he was gone, and although Frank was still alive, he almost wished he wasn't if it provided an escape from this emotional torture.

Choking back the cry of despair that was threatening to tear its way out of his chest, he leaned down to where he had left his pack, hefting the heavy item over his arm weakly, even though the effort left Frank lightheaded and dizzy once more, his eyes scanning the area to make sure that he hadn't left anything behind.

And that was when Frank noticed that his assignment that he had poured his heart and soul into was missing, he knew he had dropped it onto Gerard's desk after his initial outburst, but the wooden surface had been wiped clean, and after a quick glance into the waste bin situated next to Gerard's chair, Frank was certain that Gerard had taken it with him, which meant that he might read Frank's attempt at an apology after all, and maybe - just  _maybe_  it would change his mind.

But that was a far reaching assumption, and Frank knew it; he wasn't the type of person to place faith in unrealistic expectations, but right now, he needed something -  _anything_  to hold onto, because if he didn't, Frank was convinced that he would disintegrate, maybe not his physical body, but his soul would, his heart would, everything inside of him that Gerard had awoken would scatter like smoke in a hurricane, and the Frank that Gerard had helped form with his kind words and caring gestures would not survive that event, leaving nothing but an empty shell in its place.

~~~

Frank had meant to go home, he truly had, but somehow he found his feet treading the familiar path to Gerard's apartment without his consent, and despite arguing with himself over how this was a terrible idea for the past twenty minutes, Frank knew he needed to do this, because if he didn't, he would regret not pursuing Gerard for the rest of his life.

So even though Frank knew he needed to check in with his mother before she began to worry, or did something irrational, because she hadn't been at her best this morning, and Frank really should make sure that she had made it to work, and that she had food in the house at the very least, but Gerard was more important right now, and as callous as that made Frank sound, it was the  _truth_ , and Frank couldn't focus on anything else - not even his mother until he did everything in his power to rectify the mistake that Frank had caused with his lies.

Frank had made this mistake once before, and it still haunted him to this day; he hadn't done anything to prevent his father from leaving, in fact - he hadn't said a word, and even though Frank had long ago rationalized his paralysis - he had been young, and confused, he hadn't even understood what was truly going on until after the fact, but  _still_  - Frank couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if he had spoken up, if maybe he could have convinced his father to stay, or at least to keep in contact with Frank, but now all Frank was left with was what ifs and an absent father that seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth, and he would never know if a few words would have been able to change that.

It had been two years since then, and Frank had only just now begun to heal, mostly thanks to Gerard, so Frank wasn't going to repeat his actions - not this time. Gerard had been perfectly clear earlier when he told Frank to get out of his life, but Frank couldn't -  _not_   _yet_ , not without trying one more time.

And maybe Gerard had just panicked, they had been at school after all, so it was possible that he had simply wanted to avoid having a conversation about this while on dangerous grounds, because it most likely was going to get emotional, and if anyone had spied a teacher arguing with a student he shouldn't know, it would have looked suspicious at the least, damning at the worst.

So it wasn't too insane to believe that maybe Gerard would be more open to hearing Frank out in the privacy of his own home, it was worth a shot at least, and it didn't really matter anyway, because Frank was already here, despite the fact that he hadn't believed his weary muscles would be able to make the long journey without giving out, but his farfetched hopes had lent him a surprising burst of strength that had made the trek pass by quickly.

But now that Frank had stopped moving, his previous buoyancy was rapidly slipping away from him, and it took a ridiculously long time before Frank managed to raise his hand and knock gently against the door, which suddenly appeared menacing to Frank's bleary eyes, when before it had always been nothing but inviting.

Frank waited for a few minutes, but when nothing happened, he rapped his knuckles against the faded wood with more force, splaying his palm open once he was finished, as if Gerard could somehow see him from the other side, and he would return Frank's gesture, his hand would slide through the barrier and grip Frank's in his own, but  _no_  - Frank was losing himself in a dangerous fantasy, and he couldn't entertain those thoughts when Gerard hadn't even shown his face yet.

But when the door was finally yanked open, causing Frank to stumble heavily since he had been leaning most of his weight against it, it was Mikey's fingers that gripped his shoulders, stopping his downward descent with his strong hold, not Gerard's, and that was all the disappointment that Frank could handle in one day, so much to his horror, his found himself falling into Mikey's spindly body as hot tears spilled down his stinging cheeks with a sudden fierceness.

"Frank - what the hell...are you okay?" Mikey exclaimed, his arms tightening around Frank when he began to slump forward, his burning legs no longer willing to support his frame for any longer.

"Is - is Gerard here?" Frank choked out, trying his best to regain control of his limbs, but he was fighting a losing battle, and it was only with Mikey's assistance that he managed to cross the small hallway, collapsing entirely when Mikey led him to the couch where he and Gerard had shared their first kiss.

"No...he texted me a little while ago, said he would be home after he cleared his head," Mikey answered warily, his eyes raking over Frank's shaking form as if he could determine the cause of Frank's distress by examining his physical appearance. "Do I even want to ask what happened?"

Frank lifted his head slowly, trying to gain a few more seconds to compose himself before answering Mikey's inquiry, but when he met his friend's gaze, he recognized the signs of intoxication that had been present the first time he had met Mikey: the dilated pupils, the unusual passionate quality to his usually monotone voice, the runny nose, which meant that Mikey was high, and Frank had just interrupted him when he most likely wanted to be left alone to enjoy whatever sensation the drug gave him in peace.

"I'm sorry...I can go, I just wanted to see Gerard, I - it doesn't matter," Frank shrugged wearily, pushing off from the scratchy material with the best intentions, but the sudden head rush had him quickly seated again, his temples clutched in his palms as he waited for the dizziness to subside.

"You are crazy if you think I'm letting you go anywhere right now -  _fucking_   _hell_  Frank, you can barely stand up...have you been drinking?" Mikey actually sniffed Frank before plopping down onto the adjacent cushion, his long legs coming to rest on the coffee table haphazardly as he made himself comfortable.

"No -  _I wish_ , but not today..." Frank trailed off awkwardly, unsure of what to do now that his grand plan to beg Gerard for a second chance had fallen through, leaving him with a not entirely there Mikey instead.

"Talk to me Frank, because I'm really fucking confused honestly, and don't be afraid to say shit about Gerard - I know he can be an ass...he is the reason you're upset right?"

"I - it's complicated," Frank chuckled under his breath, because now he truly sounded like a heartbroken teenager who was updating his Facebook status, and although that was an accurate representation of his current state, he wasn't acting like the adult he needed to prove to Gerard that he was. "I fucked up basically."

"Okay...care to elaborate on that," Mikey giggled - actually  _giggled_  as he nudged Frank in the shoulder, and even though the gesture was intended to be an affectionate one, it almost knocked Frank over entirely in his weakened condition. "Shit - I'm sorry," Mikey gasped, "let me get you some water or something, you look like death warmed over."

Mikey quickly vacated the couch, almost tripping over a discarded pair of shoes in the process, but he managed to make it to the kitchen unscathed, returning with a condensation covered glass and a bag of half opened chips clutched under his arm.

"Are you hungry?" Mikey held out the bag enticingly, but even though Frank knew he probably did need to eat something, just the smell of the greasy snack had his stomach churning uncomfortably, causing Frank to swallow heavily numerous times before he was convinced that he wasn't going to vomit again. "I have some takeout in the fridge too," Mikey kept talking, ignoring the shaking of Frank's head as he started to turn back in the direction he had come.

"No - thank you, I'm okay," Frank finally managed to get a word in edgewise, accepting the water when Mikey placed it in his clammy hands.

"Don't lie to me Frank, you aren't okay," Mikey scoffed, his eyes rolling in an obnoxious manner that looked borderline eerie with his enlarged pupils.

"Fine - I'm not, but this isn't your problem, I'll figure it out, but - uh...can you just ask Gerard to call me whenever he gets back," Frank whispered, burying his face into the cup directly afterwards in the hopes of hiding his betraying tears from his friend's prying gaze.

"Frank...whatever Gerard did, it's going to work itself out, I promise, but I can help you if you just tell me, I have had plenty of practice with pulling Gerard's head out of his ass," Mikey chuckled under his breath, eliciting a half smile from Frank in the process.

"That's the problem..." Frank exhaled heavily, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to brace himself for the pain that would surely accompany his next words, "Gerard didn't do anything wrong -  _I_  did, and he is furious with me, he basically told me to fuck off earlier, and I just need to try and explain to him why I lied, but he -"

"Wait a second - earlier, as in  _today_ , I thought you had to work, so did Gerard...oh god, Frank - how did you see Gerard if he was in class all morning?" Mikey questioned nervously, but it was obvious by the expression on his face that he already knew the answer, and Frank had to give him credit for coming to the correct conclusion in his drugged state.

"I'm seventeen Mikey, and I know I should have told Gerard earlier, I was going to once my birthday passed, it's only a few months away, but he's my  _fucking_  teacher, and now he is furious with me," Frank choked out, his vision blurring as his apparently infinite tear ducts began welling up again. "I didn't mean for this to happen, but he would never have given me a chance in the first place if he knew the truth, and I - I  _need_  him Mikey, but he doesn't even seem to care... _oh_   _fuck_  - I just want to tell him I'm sorry," Frank wailed, a rasping sob preventing him from continuing with his explanation, but he had expelled most of the story by that point anyway.

"Shit Frank - this isn't good," Mikey flailed his hands around aimlessly, finally wrapping one arm around Frank in an attempt at comforting him.

"I know, it's fucked up, and I don't blame Gerard for the way he reacted, but he was the one who said age was just a number when we met, and I - I thought he would understand, or at least talk it out with me," Frank mumbled in-between his cries, his words coming out choppy and broken up by large gasps for air.

"Well...I obviously don't know  _exactly_  what happened, and the fact that this is illegal is probably freaking my brother out, but I doubt that's why he snapped at you," Mikey murmured thoughtfully, enticing Frank to wipe his eyes roughly so he could get a better look at Mikey's current expression.

"What do you mean?" Frank whimpered, his sobs ebbing as he waited impatiently for Mikey's response, his fingers knotting together in anticipation as Mikey gathered his thoughts, the period of silence seeming to extended for ages in Frank's mind.

"Well - Gerard probably wouldn't care about you age knowing him, especially if he wasn't your teacher, but you  _lied_  to him, and Gerard trusted you -  _a_   _hell_   _of_  a  _lot_. You are the first person he has let into his life besides for Bert and I since we moved back here, and that is a  _big_  fucking deal for him. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, but Gerard has been fucked over a lot in the past, and the fact that you kept this from him is most likely the reason he is so upset."

"What can I do to get him back?" Frank borderline begged, desperately hanging onto each word that fell from Mikey's lips in the hopes of finding the key to the barrier Gerard had placed around himself within them.

"I don't know, Gerard can be a stubborn fucker when he wants to be, but you have to do your best to convince him that you aren't like everyone else, that you still care, and that is the only lie you have ever told to him." Mikey eyed Frank suspiciously when he was finished speaking, causing Frank to cower under his stare, because Mikey's protective brother side was in full effect right now, and Frank didn't doubt that Mikey would throw him out if he discovered that Frank had been playing with Gerard's emotions.

"It is -  _I_   _swear_ , well, I mean, I haven't told him some things,  _personal_  things, but he hasn't asked, and I - I would never do anything to hurt him, I really care about him Mikey, and I just want to make things right."

"Okay...I believe you, and I'll do my best to help you if I can. You are good for Gerard, he has changed since you came around, and in a way, I think he needs you more than you need him, or someone like you at least, so hopefully he will listen to reason," Mikey sighed, one of his hands coming up to wipe at his nose as he leaned back into the cushions tiredly. "You can stay here until he comes home, hopefully he will have blown off some steam and he will be ready to talk, but in the meantime, maybe you should try to get some rest or something, you seriously look like shit," Mikey smiled, his words holding no venom, and  _really_ , Frank was certain that Mikey's comment was an understatement, because he felt as if he had been dragged behind a eighteen wheeler for five miles instead of simply been yelled at by his possibly now ex-boyfriend.

"Yeah - okay...I'll try," Frank sniffled softly, finishing off the remaining water in his glass before resting his head against the armrest wearily.

"Do you want to use Gerard's bed?" Frank flinched at the offer, because just the thought of lying in the sheets where he and Gerard had done so much while their relationship was hanging by a thread had Frank choking back sobs all over again, and Mikey immediately noticed the effect his words had on him, "or  _mine_  - its probably more comfortable than the couch," Mikey added quickly, trying to smooth over his mistake before Frank lost control of himself once more.

"No - 'm okay, I probably won't be able to sleep anyway."

"Just relax Frank, I promise I will wake you up when he is on his way home." Mikey's words were reassuring, but Frank knew it was a pointless effort, he couldn't even close his eyes without feeling unstable and nauseated, and with all of the fears and worries that were bouncing around in his aching head, Frank would never be able to shut his mind up for long enough to be able to drift off. "At least let me get you a blanket," Mikey pressed, to which Frank nodded in acquiescence, even though his skin felt hot and itchy, and he knew he would toss off the fabric in a matter of minutes, if not sooner.

But when Mikey returned with a patterned quilt that thankfully didn't come from Gerard's room, Frank accepted it gratefully, finding comfort in the feeling of being surrounding by something, even though what he really wanted was Gerard's arms wrapped around him, but burying his face in the cushion that smelled slightly like him and pretending was doing wonders for Frank's anxious state, and before he even realized what was happening, the stress of the day morphed into a sudden wave of exhaustion, and Frank found himself surrendering to the welcomed oblivion of unconsciousness, the pulsating ache that originated from his damaged heart fading into nothingness as Frank went willingly into the peaceful darkness.


	20. Blended Organs And Cracked Spines

Gerard didn't know what he was doing, or where he was going, but his destination didn't really matter right now as long as he got  _away_ : away from that school, away from Frank, away from the horror welling up inside of him every time he allowed his brain to make the connection that his boyfriend was in fact his student, that his boyfriend was seventeen, that their relationship was illegal -  _fuck_ , how could Gerard have been so stupid?

Gerard hadn't known how to react when Frank had finally admitted the truth to him, so he had fled, he had dismissed Frank as if he meant nothing to him before escaping into the safety of his car where he could release his emotions in peace, but he had found the parking lot to be surprisingly crowded, so Gerard had coaxed the engine into life before driving around aimlessly, sending Mikey a quick text telling him not to expect him home for a bit while he was stuck at a red light.

Now Gerard was sufficiently lost in a city that he had once known like the back of his hand, but the years away had erased the familiarity these buildings one held to him, and Gerard wished it would stay that way, because this placed seemed to bring him nothing but pain time and time again, no matter how many fresh starts he made for himself, so maybe this was the world's way of telling him that there was nothing in Jersey for him besides heartbreak, and Gerard needed to take the fucking hint and get out before it was too late, but he didn't know where else to go.

Gerard cursed under his breath as a truck swerved dangerously close to his vehicle, or maybe Gerard had drifted too far into their lane, he honestly couldn't tell, the tears blurring his vision were making the task of keeping his eyes on the road almost impossible, so despite the part of Gerard that wanted to run, that needed to keep moving before all of the terrible events of this afternoon caught up with him, Gerard forced himself to pull over near a small park, his wheels haphazardly sprawled in-between two spaces, but Gerard didn't care enough to fix his sloppy job, and no one else was around to complain about the excess area his vehicle was taking up.

Breathing deeply through his nose in an attempt to calm himself, Gerard tried to get his tear ducts under control so he could figure out what the fuck to do now that he knew Frank's age, but the supposedly calming motion seemed to have the opposite effect on him, and before Gerard could stop it, a tortured wail was tearing its way out of his throat, the pitiful sound reverberating loudly in the enclosed space.

Gerard couldn't stop crying now that he had started,  _fuck_  - this was the second time in just as many days that he had allowed his emotions to break through the supposedly impenetrable walls that he had built around his heart, but Frank had been tearing them down ever since that first night that he had come into Gerard's life, and now Gerard was left weakened and defenseless as an intense outpouring of sorrow crashed over him, the never ending waves battering his tired body as he gave up fighting against it, letting the hot tears spill down his face freely, any attempt to wipe them away would be pointless, so Gerard didn't bother, although the salt was stinging his skin, and his cheeks were becoming uncomfortably sticky and stained with every passing moment.

And despite everything, Gerard wanted Frank there with him, he needed to hear Frank's soothing voice, to lose himself in Frank's touch, to find comfort in his presence, because Frank was one of the few people that Gerard could trust when he got like this, he knew exactly what to do, what to say, and also what  _not_  to do, but that was all ruined now, because Frank had shattered the bond they had with his stupid lie, but  _fuck_  - Gerard would give anything to turn back time to the days when he had no idea that Frank was underage.

Gerard should have caught on to this before, he had been suspicious when Frank had claimed he was originally twenty-one, but his second admission had seemed to be truthful, or maybe that was just what Gerard wanted to believe, but  _still_  - Frank didn't look seventeen, or act like it, in fact, he seemed older than Gerard half of the time, something about his countenance lending him an air of age that far surprised the years he had lived.

And honestly, as fucked up as it sounded, Gerard didn't feel that much guilt over the fact that he had slept with a seventeen year old boy, because despite what the law said, Frank was obviously consenting, and hopefully his birthday would be coming up soon, which would erase the illegal aspect of their relationship, but adding his age to the fact that Gerard was his teacher made everything so much worse, because this could ruin Frank's life, not to mention Gerard's, and the only way to protect them both was for Gerard to cut Frank out of his heart before anyone discovered their illicit tryst.

But _fuck_  - Gerard didn't want to do that, Gerard didn't know if he could physically ignore Frank for the rest of the year without shattering completely, but he had to if he wanted to keep his job, his sanity, his freedom, but ironically enough, Frank was the glue that had been holding Gerard together over these past few weeks, and if he was removed from the fragile structure that was Gerard's mental state, he might self-destruct either way, so no matter what Gerard did, he was almost guaranteed to break apart in the end.

Gerard whimpered softly as reality sunk in, and alongside the bottomless well of despair that continued to renew itself in the form of Gerard's soft cries was a steadily growing pit of anger, because if Frank had just fucking  _told_  Gerard about his age from day one, none of this would have happened; Gerard wouldn't have gotten so attached, and even if he had, they could have worked something out beforehand, they could have prepared for this, but  _no_  - Frank had lied, he had blatantly deceived Gerard just like everyone else in his life, and  _fuck_ \- that hurt worse than anything else so far, even more than the thought of losing Frank forever.

And now that Gerard's mind had latched onto Frank's deception, labeling it the root of his problems, the thought began to twist in a dangerous direction, causing Gerard to wonder if that was all that Frank had lied about, or if their entire relationship had been one shaded truth after another, and if Frank had even cared at all; maybe he had been faking everything, pretending to have feelings for Gerard just so he could rip him apart in the end - just like  _Colton_ , just like everyone else Gerard had let into his heart, their seemingly good intentions always fooling him until everything blew up in his face, and  _fuck_  - Gerard couldn't stop over-analyzing every moment he and Frank had spent in each other's company, seeing their short time together in a new light now that he knew that Frank wasn't this perfect being he had envisioned him as.

Frank had always seemed genuine of course, and Gerard had believed him explicitly before today, he had completely  _surrendered_  to him actually, which was a stupid fucking decision on his part, but it was too late to take his actions back, and he was paying for his naivety, the agony in his chest cavity was making sure of that.

Gerard was almost tempted to call Frank, to demand the truth from the boy who Gerard had never once doubted before this afternoon, but now that the seeds of distrust had been planted, they were growing rapidly, the vicious weeds choking Gerard, heavy tendrils formed of suspicion wrapping around his throat as countless possibilities sprouted to life in his brain, his efforts at blocking them out proving futile as memories started to flash behind his closed eyelids without his consent.

Frank had seemed so interested in Gerard, but now that Gerard allowed himself to reflect on the past, he had originally been at a bar only hours before arriving at Gerard's place, with Mikey, which meant he was probably looking for a man to spend the night with, because someone who was intending to go out for a quick drink wouldn't escort a stranger home on a whim, and when Mikey had incapacitated himself with drugs, Frank had simply latched on to the only other person in the nearby vicinity, which had just happened to be Gerard, and Gerard had fallen for his fuck me eyes and needy countenance, because Frank had made Gerard feel important, he had made Gerard feel _wanted_ , but what if that was all a carefully constructed act that Frank turned on for any guy that looked at him twice.

And then Frank had left, he had tried to sneak out of Gerard's house at some ungodly hour of the morning, claiming that he had to be at his mother's, but what if that was just another lie, what if Frank had been hurrying home to a different man, a  _boyfriend_ even, or maybe he had just wanted to leave Gerard once he had gotten what he wanted from him, not that Gerard blamed him, but  _still_  - the very realistic possibility that Gerard had meant next to nothing to Frank was ripping him apart, shredding his internal organs within a metaphorical blender that had no off switch, at least not one that Gerard could locate.

But then Frank had returned, he had shown up at Gerard's door a few hours later on the verge of tears, but adding to the pile of questions in Gerard's head was the  _why_  behind Frank's sudden reappearance; Frank had never explained himself, and Gerard hadn't pressed him, because he of all people knew how revealing it was to allow the thoughts in his head to pass his lips in the form of words, because saying it aloud made everything that much more real, that much more  _painful_ , and Gerard had related to Frank, he had assumed that he felt the same way, but maybe Gerard had been trying to find similarities that didn't exist in an attempt to feel close to someone for the first time in ages.

Maybe Frank had returned to a significant other, and a fight had occurred, driving Frank back into Gerard's arm out of convenience, not need, but Frank had seemed so genuine, he seemed to want Gerard more than anything else in the world -  _hell_ , his face when Gerard had asked him to be his boyfriend couldn't have been fabricated, that unbridled joy was impossible to fake, even by the most skilled of actors.

But  _wait_ , Gerard had picked Frank up that night from a bar, and _yes_  - he hadn't been inside, but if Gerard remembered correctly, that was the same establishment where he first met Mikey, which meant that he frequented that place often, and not just to drink, but to pick up men, and what if he had only come with Gerard because the pickings were slim that night, what if Gerard was just a comfort zone for Frank until someone else better looking, or less fucked up came along.

But that didn't make sense, because if Gerard was just a quick fuck, why would Frank have put so much effort into their relationship, because he  _had_ , despite all of Gerard's misgivings, especially once Gerard had made things official between the two of them.

He would never forget how well Frank had dealt with the sight of his scars, how Frank hadn't judged him, how Frank had waited outside of his room for an hour when Gerard had broken down, the nerves at starting a new job manifesting itself until he had spiraled out of control, but Frank hadn't been afraid of him, Frank had stayed, Frank had managed to calm him down when no one else could, and someone who was only interested in sex wouldn't go to such extreme lengths to make sure that their significant other was okay -  _would they_?

"Fuck!" Gerard screamed hoarsely, his voice echoing back at him as he slammed his skull against the headrest angrily, because he didn't know what to do; Frank was a walking contradiction, a liar, a lover, a saint, a sinner, and Gerard didn't know what to believe now that the blinders that had been his affection for Frank had been ripped away forcefully, but the remnants of them still lingered, because despite everything, Gerard couldn't stop himself from caring for Frank, he just didn't know if he could trust him anymore.

But now everything had gotten monumentally fucked up, and adding the fact that Frank was his student on top of the mess of lies Gerard was struggling to sift through with dismal results was too much, the weight was pressing against Gerard's spine, cracking the delicate bones with the pressure of it, and no matter how much Gerard screamed and fought, this wasn't going to go away, not unless Gerard sought out help, and with Frank no longer able to provide that, Gerard could only think of one other person to turn to.

With fumbling fingers, Gerard managed to tug his cell phone out of his pocket, the tears blurring his vision clearing slightly as he peered down at his notifications, and despite everything, Gerard was desperately hoping to see something from Frank, a call, a text,  _anything_ , but there was nothing, and _fuck_ \- that fact seemed to cement Gerard's misgivings, because if Frank had cared, if Frank's only transgression and been the deception regarding his age, then he would have tried to reach out to Gerard -  _right_ , but he hadn't, causing the evidence to pile up against him, snapping one of the cords that Frank had previously tied around Gerard's heart, the whiplash causing Gerard to gasp loudly in pain before he returned to his original task.

After many failed attempts, Gerard managed to locate Bert's name in his contacts, clumsily pressing the call button before bringing the device up to his tear stained cheek, and in typical Bert fashion, he picked up in barely two rings, his worried voice filling Gerard's ear, because Gerard _never_  called Bert, it was always the other way around, so he was correct to assume that something was horribly wrong if it had caused Gerard to reach out to him first.

"Gerard - hey, you okay?" Bert asked, but Gerard found that he couldn't answer, his throat was closing up with an unexpected surge of emotions that actually weren't caused by Frank for once, and Gerard suddenly felt like the scum of the earth for being such a shitty friend to Bert.

Bert was always there for him, no matter what, and he had been longer than anyone else besides for Mikey, but Gerard took advantage to him, he only reached out to him when he needed something, when he was falling apart, and Bert seemed okay with that, but it wasn't right, and Gerard made a silent vow to attempt to let Bert in more often from this point forward, because he was the only one who had never hurt him, so Gerard wasn't even sure why he pushed him away, besides for the fact that Bert knew too much.

Bert was an integral part of Gerard's past, which was something Gerard did his best to forget, and Bert was nothing if not a reminder of that wretched time, but still, he wasn't a maid that Gerard had hired to clean up his emotional messes, and despite the hardships that would come with exposing himself to another person, Gerard was determined to try and change his abhorrent treatment of his best friend.

"Gerard - are you there?" Gerard's head snapped upward suddenly when he realized that he still had Bert on the line; he had been too caught up in reminiscing to answer his friend, and  _honestly_  - he didn't know what to say, because just thinking about what had happened with Frank felt like nose diving into a pile of shattered glass, so Gerard could only image how painful speaking the words aloud would be.

"Yeah, I'm here...uh," Gerard stammered out, his nails digging into his wrist desperately in a pitiful attempt to push his heartbreak aside with physical pain, which was a habit he had been trying so fucking hard to break, but _god_  - Gerard wanted to hurt right now. "Bert I'm -" Gerard tried again, a soft sob cutting his statement off before it could form a coherent sentence.

"What happened Gee, what's wrong?" Bert pressed gently, and Gerard could clearly imagine his face on the other side of the call, his furrowed brows, his kind eyes, the firm set to his lips, because that was a look that Bert had sent Gerard's way too many times to count, and Gerard knew he had to explain himself before Bert dropped everything and made Gerard tell him what had occurred in person, which was not something Gerard wanted to deal with, doing it over the phone was already hard enough.

"I - it's Frank, he - he  _lied_  to me Bert, you were right, just like always, and I'm his teacher, and now - I don't know what to do Bert, I - I'm getting bad again," Gerard gasped out, the pressure on his wrist increasing as he spoke, the dull sting not enough, not even  _close_ , but Gerard couldn't allow himself to go any further with this, not right here anyway, but  _fuck_  - he wanted to, the urge was rising up in him with an intensity that he hadn't felt in months, and Gerard honestly didn't know if he was strong enough to resist the fucked up side of himself for very much longer.

"Oh god...where are you, is anyone there with you?" Bert's panicked tone caused Gerard to release his painful grip on his skin, because he didn't want to do this with Bert listening in, even if he was only scratching himself, his friend didn't deserve that.

"I - I'm in my car, and I'm alone, I think I'm at a park or something," Gerard sniffled softly, his head lolling against the closed window as he did his best to focus on his best friend's voice, even though the hateful words in his head were doing their best to drown everything else out.

"Do you need me to come get you? I'm still at the office, but I think I can be out of here in about half an hour if I hurry."

"No -  _oh god_ , I'm sorry, I didn't know, go back to work Bert, I'll be okay," Gerard grimaced as he spoke, because okay was not an accurate label for his current mental state, but he was already enough of a burden to Bert, so asking him to drop everything he was doing just so he could come comfort Gerard wasn't a viable option, no matter how badly Gerard needed his friend here with him.

"Hey - no, it's okay, I'm staying late to try and finish this program, but we can talk at least, can you tell me more about what happened, I'm sort of confused," Bert chuckled under his breath, using the small addition of humor to try and lighten the heavy tone of their conversation, and Gerard appreciated his attempt, even though it didn't have its desired effect on him.

"Well..." Gerard inhaled deeply, steadying himself before pouring out his story to his best friend. "I started my job today, and everything was going pretty well, until my last class, because of  _Frank_  - he was in it, he's my student, and he's  _seventeen_  Bert, which is fucked up - I know, but as terrible as it sounds, I still want him, I really do, but he - he  _lied_  to me, and now I don't know what to, and I yelled at him, and he disappeared, and - and I want to apologize, but he hasn't even called me, and I can't help but wonder if he is turning into another Colton, what if he is just using me, what if he reports me, I - I -"

"Gerard - hey, take a deep breath okay," Bert waited until Gerard had done what he said before continuing. "You are right, that is fucked up, but don't go jumping to conclusions just yet. I saw the way you acted when you talked about Frank, and I don't think he is trying to hurt you, even though he should have told you his age, but he is young, and dumb, so don't assume the worst okay?"

"But what do I do - I want to talk to him, to see if maybe we can work something out, but at the same time, I can barely look at him without wondering what else he has lied to me about, not to mention I could go to jail for this, but - I  _really_  like him Bert, he seemed so perfect," Gerard wailed, his nails making a new set of tracks in his skin as he spoke despite his best efforts to stop himself.

"If I were you, and I'm not, so I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I would take some time to make sure that Frank is worth this. I can't really condone you being with someone who is underage, but only because I'm worried about you...those things have a habit of getting out whether you want them to or not, and even though Frank seems like a decent person from what I have heard, he probably has friends he has told, and if one of them figures out you are his teacher, shit is going to hit the fan, and no matter how great of a guy he is, he isn't worth serving time, no one is -  _okay_?"

"So what - I just ignore him and pretend like nothing ever happened?" Gerard shuddered as he spoke, because as angry as he was at Frank, not to mention how much he had hurt him, he didn't think he could do that, he couldn't just erase the memory of their time together, no matter how much he wished he could.

"I - I don't know Gee, I think you should probably talk to him, to try and figure out his intentions and if he plans on keeping quiet, but I know that will be hard for you, so just take it slow, get your head screwed on straight and figure out what you want before letting him back in. The logical side of me wants to say get out before he ruins your life, but I have known you for ages Gee, and I don't think anyone has ever made you as happy as him, even Mikey thinks so." Gerard rolled his eyes at the fact that Bert had been keeping tabs on him through Mikey, even though his friend couldn't see the gesture, but it still made Gerard feel better.

"I -  _okay_ , I'm just gonna go home and try to sleep for a bit, I didn't get much rest last night."

"Yeah, that sounds good Gee, and don't forget that you can call me if you start to feel worse," Bert asked, and even though Gerard didn't know if he could hold himself to that, he swore to at least try this time.

"I will...and Bert, thanks for picking up, I really needed to talk to someone," Gerard admitted shakily, because even though he hated appearing so weak in front of anyone, even  _Bert_ , he was so fucking grateful to his friend for putting up with him, and he didn't voice his appreciation for that anywhere near enough.

"Of course, you know I'm always here whenever you need anything." Gerard could hear Bert's smile coming across the line in his tone, and the fact that he had made someone happy lessened the crushing weight on Gerard's chest a small fraction. "Can you text me when you get home, just so I won't worry?"

"Yeah - I will, I'm heading there right now."

"Good, be safe Gee,  _oh shit_  - my boss just walked in, I have to go," Bert ended on a whisper, and before Gerard could say goodbye, Bert had ended the call, leaving Gerard with nothing else to do besides for start the car engine in preparation for what would probably be a frustrating drive home, the fact that he didn't know his exact location was going to make this journey interesting to say the least.

But even after Gerard had gotten the key into the proper position, he stayed frozen, because he wasn't ready to see the room where he and Frank had spent so many nights together, or to lie on the sheets that probably still smelled like him, but what other option did he have?

And  _fuck_  - Gerard's eyes were still fucking watering, and as much as he enjoyed using pain as a distraction from his emotions, he really didn't want to get in a car wreck on the way back to his apartment, so he began rummaging in his bag blindly, hoping to emerge with a tissue, or an old shirt, or something he could use to clear his vision from the irritating tears that Gerard was  _really_  getting fed up with, but his search came up empty, only resulting in knocking a few crumpled papers onto the floor instead.

And as Gerard bent over to retrieve the sheets so he could stuff then back where they belonged, his vision locked onto a familiar name written boldly at the top of one of the pages - it was Frank's assignment from earlier, of course it was  _Frank's_ , and even though a part of Gerard wanted to tear the delicate material to shreds so he wouldn't be faced with any reminder of the boy who had caused him so much distress, Gerard found himself sitting up with it clenched in his hand instead, his gaze dancing over the words that Frank had decided to pen down, and _fuck_  - Gerard didn't know what he was expecting Frank to take out of this pointless exercise, but whatever it was,  _this_  hadn't been it.

It was an apology in the form of song lyrics, a heartfelt, seemingly sincere plea for Gerard to forgive him, the final lines taken up entirely by a song that Frank had supposedly written himself, and despite everything, Gerard felt like the guilty one, his heart was twisting in his chest as he read over Frank's desperate request for one more chance as another round of tears caught him completely off guard.

Frank seemed so genuine, at least on paper, but as much as Gerard wanted to believe Frank, and he did,  _fuck_  - he would do anything to salvage their relationship - he couldn't forgive him so easily, because anyone could compose a clever lie with the aid of ink, deception wasn't so easily detected through the written word, and Gerard knew that something between him and Frank had been ruined, the fragile trust he had placed in Frank was shattered into a million tiny pieces that would take years to reconstruct.

So even if Frank's only lie had been his age, it didn't really matter in the scheme of things, because regardless of the intense yearning to call Frank, to hear his voice once more, even if it was through a crappy cell connection, to tell him they could work everything out somehow, the urge to do so physically causing Gerard's hand to tremble wildly, Gerard  _didn't_ ; instead, he slumped down against the steering wheel weakly, sobbing into his arms as the hopelessness of his situation finally sunk in.

Because even if Gerard let Frank back in, even if he ignored the illegal aspects to their relationship, even if they escaped detection from the authorities, it wouldn't be the same, because Gerard had been  _hurt_  now, he had been betrayed, and he knew from experience that allowing someone access to his heart a second time would never end well, even if that someone was Frank.

Gerard whimpered softly under his breath as he came to the conclusion that whatever they had was ending before it had even started, and although it was Gerard's fault that this was happening in a way, it still hurt -  _so fucking much_ , making Gerard consider the possibility that maybe he was being too hasty in his decision, but  _no_  - that would only give Frank the opportunity to wound him again, to tear his heart out which was already hanging by a slender thread, and Gerard wasn't stupid enough to let that happen, even though a few more weeks with Frank might be worth the agony he would receive later on.


	21. Friendly Fire

Frank knew he was dreaming somehow, his instincts telling him that none of this was real despite the pungent smell of damp earth filling his nostrils that seemed more genuine than any scent he could produce with his imagination, or the clogging veil of terror inundating every one of his nerves endings, but even though Frank was aware that this was all a fabrication concocted by his mind, he couldn't seem to wake himself up, no matter how many sharp pinches he applied to his sweat soaked skin.

But although Frank's senses were amplified to almost inhuman proportions, his emotions weren't, and that in itself was all Frank needed to assure himself that he was indeed in an world invented by his subconscious state, because Frank's heart didn't feel like it was being dragged out of his chest by prying fingers, his stomach had stopped writhing uncomfortable as if his organs had come alive inside of him, his head was clear and focused, and despite the fact that he still ached, and the simple recollection of everything that had happened with Gerard released a dull wave of pain that slowly rolled over his entire body, it was muted, it was  _bearable_ , and a part of Frank wanted to stay asleep forever if it meant that he would continue to be granted this much needed respite.

Frank allowed his eyes to crack open a small margin, trying to decipher where he was, and why he couldn't move, a part of him not wanting to deal with the horrors of his subconscious, the whole reason he had drifted off was to escape the ordeals he had suffered through earlier on, but curiosity won out, even though Frank instantly regretted his action when grit and mud slipped in-between his lids, producing stinging tears in an attempt to remove the irritating substance from Frank's corneas.

The brief view Frank had caught of his surroundings around him hadn't been very informative, all he had managed to deduce was that he was lying on his back, the material underneath him molded around his frame, leading Frank to believe that it was the same dirt that was covering his face and torso, keeping him pinned down with its weight, the darkness surrounding his partially submerged body erasing all other clues to his location, but it really didn't matter anyway, because when another layer of soil hit Frank's body, the silt seeming to appear from the sky like rainwater, Frank understood what was happening - he was being buried alive.

Frank chuckled under his breath at the realization, the paltry attempt at humoring transforming into a wracking cough as small particles of dust were dragged into his lungs, but Frank couldn't stop his hysterical laughter, it was the only thing keeping him from bursting out in tears after all, and faking mirth was better than letting his weakness show to whoever was doing this to him, even in a dream.

Frank never understood how dreams worked, although this should probably be classified as a nightmare, but either way, it seemed strange that at times Frank's brain would produce random images that made absolutely no sense, but now it had knitted together a perfect analogy for his current predicament, the heavy soil representing the weight of Frank's lie, the rapidly rising level of it accurately portraying Frank's chances of finding a way out of his falsities in the real world, the constriction in his lungs matching the sensations he felt whenever he allowed himself to reminisce on the way Gerard had looked at him when his secret had finally been revealed in the  _worst_  way possible.

And even though Frank was aware that this was a fantasy, he instinctually fought against the second round of soil as it poured down around his small frame, his limbs twisting helplessly as he tried to escape, because maybe if he survived this illusion, it would mean something, or at the very least, it would give him hope that he had a chance at getting through to Gerard, although Frank was well aware how illogical his thought pattern was, but he was willing to cling to any scant amount of foolish conclusions his mind presented to him at the moment.

And just the thought of Gerard had Frank intensifying his pointless struggles, his chest heaving from his efforts as he managed to free one of his arms from the growing pile of silt, the added leverage helping him to put more strength into unearthing the rest of his buried body, but just when Frank was convinced that he could do this, that he could escape, an even larger amount of dirt cascaded into the pit, smothering Frank entirely, leaving only his neck and head free, and Frank knew that the next load would bury him completely.

"Gerard!" Frank cried hoarsely, his voice ringing out unnaturally loud in the otherwise silent air, no other sounds broke the eerie stillness, not even a shuffle from whoever was condemning Frank to an agonizing death by suffocation. "Please help me..." Frank tried again, his broken sentence projecting in a much weaker manner, because if Gerard was a part of this dream, he would surely have rushed to Frank's aid by now, no matter how furious he was with him, but the dark haired man was nowhere to be seen.

And just when Frank was doing his best to resign himself to his fate, a soft sob reached his soil filled ears, the sound tearing his heart in two, because he knew that cry, he would recognize it anywhere - it was  _Gerard_ , but the proximity of the exclamation could only mean one thing, and even in a dream, Frank didn't want to believe the verdict that his mind had reached.

"I'm so sorry Frank," Gerard spoke up just then, ruining Frank's attempt at pretending that Gerard wasn't the one filling in his makeshift grave, but he was,  _of course_  he was, this only completed the metaphor that Frank had caught on to originally, but this wasn't the way it was supposed to be, Gerard was supposed to save Frank, not _murder_  him, but even though Frank's body protested painfully when the next round of silt rained down around him, he couldn't find it in himself to be angry with Gerard.

"Why?" Frank croaked out, his lips stained with grit and mud, the taste barely registering next to the bile that was flooding his mouth.

"I don't want to do this, but I have to... _please_  Frank, please forgive me," Gerard begged, his tone conveying a sense of despair that matched the sensations Frank was currently feeling, but despite their situations, Frank found himself wanting to comfort Gerard, even if he used his last breath in doing so.

"It's okay...just keep talking to me," Frank pressed gently, doing his best to ignore the fact that he was mostly covered in grave dirt, pretending that he was by Gerard's side instead, with his arms wrapped around the older man like he ached for them to be.

"I'm saving you Frank - I know it doesn't seem like it, but you have to trust me," Gerard pleaded, a scraping sound following his sentence which Frank could only assume was caused by a shovel, even though his prying eyes spied nothing besides for the greying sky, no matter how forcefully he craned his neck in an pathetic attempt to bring Gerard into his line of vision.

"Okay," Frank found himself saying, even though he hadn't meant to let the word slip past his lips, because although he did trust Gerard more than anyone else in the world, he also knew that Gerard had given up, his burial of Frank was symbolic of that, this entire sequence was a warped version of their tattered relationship, and that left Frank to fight for them alone, but apparently the dream version of him had withdrawn from the battle as well.

And although Frank wanted to scream, to break out of his prison formed of soil, to grab onto Gerard and never let him go until he changed his mind, it was too late, Gerard was dumping the last traces of soil over Frank's head, and even though Frank couldn't see Gerard through the grit obscuring his view, he somehow knew that he was weeping, his tears mixing in with the earth as Frank surrendered to the death Gerard had forced him to accept.

~~~

Frank awoke suddenly, an unfamiliar touch on his arm jolting him away from the fading images left behind by his nightmare, but the meaning of the dream stayed with him, even though Frank didn't possess the energy to decipher if there was any truth behind what his brain had produced, and honestly, Frank didn't want to ponder the parallels between the mental concoction and his current predicament, he already had more than enough to worry about at the moment.

"You awake Frank?" Mikey's questioning tone inspired Frank to nod his head wearily, his eyes refusing to open just yet. "Well...Gee is on his way home, are you sure you are up for talking to him right now?"

That announcement of Gerard's eminent arrival had Frank sitting up quickly, his stubborn lids finally responding to his brain's signals, allowing him to take in Mikey's slightly blurry face as he tried to orient himself after the sudden movement. Frank still felt shaky and weak, but the short nap had pushed back the overwhelming nausea he had been experiencing earlier, it had left a pounding headache in its place though, and Frank wasn't sure which one was worse.

"Yeah...I have to do it today, I'll drive myself crazy otherwise," Frank responded slowly, his tongue lying thick and heavy in his dry mouth.

"Okay..." Mikey sighed under his breath, his gaze raking over Frank's quilt covered body for a moment before continuing, and Frank noticed that his pupils weren't nearly as dilated as they had been earlier, leading Frank to wonder how long he had dozed off for. "I'm sure you want some privacy, so I'll be in my room, but if things get bad, don't be afraid to leave, or to come get me. Gerard doesn't do well with confrontation, and I don't want you getting hurt."

"I'll be fine Mikey, I just need some answers, but I won't push him if he doesn't want to speak with me," Frank promised, even though he wasn't entirely sure if he could keep to his vow, because he hadn't come all this way to simply admit defeat so easily, but he also didn't want to drive Gerard any further from him than he already had.

"It's going to be okay Frank, even if Gerard doesn't listen right away, he won't be able to ignore you forever," Mikey murmured, but his words did nothing to comfort Frank, quite the opposite actually, because it seemed that Mikey was already convinced that this encounter wasn't going to turn out in Frank's favor, and coming from Gerard's brother, that left Frank despondent and on the verge of tears once again.

"I have to try at least," Frank sniffled, swallowing down his sorrow with an incredible effort of will, determined not to break down before Gerard had even walked through the front door, he had already cried more today than he had in the past two years for fucks sake.

"I know, and good luck," Mikey smiled weakly, his hand squeezing Frank's shoulder gently before he vacated the room, leaving Frank alone with nothing but his churning thoughts as he tried to work out what he wanted to say to Gerard when he came home.

Frank couldn't seem to organize the mess inside his head long enough to form a coherent plea which would win Gerard back though, and not because he couldn't find the words, but because he had too many emotions for a few simple sentence to convey his meaning,  _fuck_  - even his assignment hadn't been enough space for Frank to adequately do that, and that may have been a pointless waste of paper anyway, Frank wasn't sure if Gerard would ever read that or not, and it probably wouldn't make a difference in the end.

All Frank knew was that he  _needed_  Gerard; he had somehow become essential to his survival in the span of a few short weeks, and _no_  - Frank wouldn't physically perish if Gerard rejected him for the second time, but if he continued to feel as dreadful as he did right now, Frank was sure he would wish for oblivion to end the suffering he was sure to endure if that happened to be the case.

Frank didn't know why he felt this way, or how he had fallen head over heels for the older man, but it was too late to change what had already occurred, so all he could do was hope that Gerard shared his sentiments, and his feeling for Frank would override the transgressions brought on by Frank's age and the illegal nature of their relationship.

And just when Frank's breathing had begun to return to a normal rate, and his head had ceased to feel as if a hammer was constantly bearing down on it, the awaited sound of a key turning in the lock resounded out much louder than it should have, and even though Frank had been anticipating this moment ever since his eyes had first opened, he found himself shrinking down into the cushions fearfully, his limbs trembling with a sudden wash of fear as he wrapped the blanket tighter around his shaking frame.

"Mikes...you home?" Gerard's voice called out, his tone harsh and lower than usual, and  _fuck_  - Frank actually whimpered low in his throat when the utterance reached his ears, because Gerard sounded as if he had been sobbing heavily for quite some time, his beautiful timbre that usually soothed Frank instantly grating on his shot nerves instead.

"Gerard..." Frank tried to speak up, to make his presence known, but the words wrapped around his tongue, releasing only a garbled, barely distinguishable noise instead of a coherent sentence.

But it didn't matter that Frank had lost the ability to speak, because Gerard was making his way into the living room, his body slumped forward in a defeated gesture, his messenger bag seeming to weigh him down as if it was filled with boulders instead of papers, but even though Frank noticed all of this, he pushed the observations aside, instead choosing to drink in the image of Gerard hungrily, focusing on his messy black hair, his thin lips, his pronounced cheekbones, the features still bringing a small spark of joy to Frank's chest even though they were painted with dejection.

"Frank," Gerard stated coldly, his eyes finally landing on the younger boy as he paused in the hallway, the lack of emotion in his voice ripping Frank wide open, but he pushed aside the rush of agony stubbornly, determined to hold himself together for just a little while longer. "You shouldn't be here," Gerard added on after a few moments, turning his back to Frank as he tossed off his shoes and dumped the rest of his belongings on the floor haphazardly.

"I know...and I'm sorry, I  _really_  am, but I just had to see you," Frank mumbled quietly, his hands losing their grip on the quilt he had been cocooned in, the blanket fluttering to rest on the edge of the couch softly as Frank stood up determinedly.

"Not now Frank," Gerard sighed tiredly, the utter exhaustion Gerard projected tearing at Frank's heartstrings, and in any other situation, Frank would gladly leave Gerard until he was in a better state, but he couldn't do that this time, because that would be akin to giving up on everything they had shared together, and Frank wasn't going to admit defeat that easily.

"Please Gerard, just hear me out, then I will go -  _I promise_ , but you have to let me explain," Frank pleaded softly, his eyes beginning to water once more, the tears burning his corneas as if they were made of acid instead of salt water.

"There is nothing you can say to make this better,  _fuck_  - why didn't you just tell me your age in the first place?" Gerard groaned, his body still angled toward the corner, hiding his expression from Frank's prying graze.

"You know why Gerard," Frank enunciated slowly, but when he received no response from the older man, he continued in the hopes of clarifying himself, "you would have thrown me out that night if I did, you wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me, and I had to take the chance to be with you while it was there, I couldn't risk everything with the truth back then, but I was going to tell you once I turned eighteen."

"And when is that?" Gerard asked warily, his muscles tensing up visibly underneath his clothing as if he was expecting a dagger to be jabbed into his spine instead of a simple answer.

"October thirty-first, it's only a few months away." Gerard remained silent after Frank's proclamation, his air of indifference infuriating Frank, inspiring him to lash out at Gerard, even though he regretted it as soon as he opened his mouth. "This isn't entirely my fault you know, you neglected to mention that you taught high school. If I had been aware of that fact, I would have told you sooner."

"But I didn't lie about it, you just never asked," Gerard snapped back, his body spinning on his heels sharply so he could make eye contact with Frank, and  _fuck_ \- Frank's knees almost buckled under the scathing look Gerard shot him, but he pressed onward determinedly, doing his best to ignore the menacing aura surrounding Gerard, even though it was pressing down upon him with even greater force than the soil in his nightmare had.

"You're right, and I'm not trying to defend myself, it doesn't matter now anyway, but I want to fix this, I want to find a way to make this work, because there is something here Gerard, something  _special_...please tell me you feel the same way?" Frank begged, his voice cracking so many times during his outburst of words that Frank wasn't entirely sure if Gerard had understood him, but judging by the conflicted emotions dancing across Gerard's features, he had managed to decipher Frank's meaning.

"Frank... _I can't_ okay, not yet," Gerard retorted, each word falling from his lips slowly, the syllables carrying a brittle edge to them, as if the sound would shatter at any moment.

Frank swore his internal functions paused at Gerard's proclamation, his limbs froze up, his mind halted his frantic train of thought for the first time all day, Gerard's harsh statement filling up the empty space, the sentence reverberating loudly in his ears that failed to pick up any other sound, and fuck - Frank had known Gerard was unhappy with his deception, but still, had his one well-intended falsity truly ruined all of the affection that had previously existed between the two of them?

"You - you don't...do you hate me now?" Frank managed to stutter out, his eyes squeezing shut in a pointless attempt at removing himself from the firing line he had willingly walked into, but the lack of sight did nothing to lessen Gerard's presence at the other side of the room, Frank could still hear his feet shuffling against the carpet, as well as his almost imperceptible gasp that followed Frank's question.

"No Frank -  _fuck_ , that isn't what I meant, I could never hate you, I just don't know if there can be anything serious between us while I am still your teacher," Gerard attempted to rectify his previous statement, and even though the amendment wasn't exactly what Frank had been hoping to receive, it was an improvement, allowing Frank to drag in a delayed gulp of oxygen which his starving lungs appreciated greatly.

"Fine...that's fine, but can you at least tell me what you are thinking, I - I'm sorry, so _fucking_  sorry, I will say it a thousand times if I have to, and I don't expect you to forgive me right away, but I need to know if we still have a chance." Frank took a careful step forward, his motions pausing when Gerard flinched away violently, his adverse reaction draining Frank off all the gathered hopes he had managed to dredge together over the past few hours, the aspirations he had for this conversation draining out of him rapidly as he sat back down with a muted thud.

Gerard's face crumpled as he observed Frank's deflate before his eyes, and much to Frank's surprise, Gerard moved this time, crossing the short distance between them in short, choppy strides, his hands clenched into fists at his side, the nails digging in so deeply that he was positive they would have drawn blood if they hadn't been chewed down to nubs.

"I don't want to hurt you Frank, but you have to understand, we can't just pretend like you are eighteen, no matter how badly I want to, and  _fuck_  - I do Frank, I  _really_  do, but I need time to think okay?" Gerard pleaded, his posture stiffening as Frank glanced upward momentarily, displaying his watery eyes to Gerard despite his shame.

"How much time?" Frank choked out, tears freely running down his cheeks, his efforts at holding them back breaking under the crushing realization that Gerard wasn't ready to take him back, not now, maybe not  _ever_.

"I don't know Frank..." Gerard whispered, his gaze darting away from Frank's in a guilty manner that did nothing to alleviate Frank's pain, because he didn't want Gerard to feel remorse for this, he just wanted everything to go back to the way it was before, but that was apparently off the table in Gerard's mind.

"I don't want this to end Gerard...I - I really care about you,  _please_...give me one more chance,  _I swear_  - I will tell you everything you want to know, no more secrets, just ask," Frank babbled out, each expulsion of words akin to dragging himself across a floor filled with shards of glass, but it was too late for Frank to retreat now, going back would hurt just as much as continuing forward, and Frank was already committed now, the wounds he obtained along the way were insubstantial as long as he could make Gerard listen to him for a few more moments.

" _Fucking hell_  Frank, just stop it okay, I'm sure you have plenty of guys lining up to fuck you, so you don't have to pretend like I matter," Gerard spat suddenly, anger erasing the previous sorrow that had tainted Gerard's words, the harsh emotions painting him in a red tinted light that actually terrified Frank, which was a sensation he had never felt around Gerard before.

"No - Gerard...I would _never_  do that to you, you are the only person I'm seeing, the only one I want to be with...what can I do to make you believe me?" Frank cried softly, his hands fumbling for his phone in a desperate attempt at proving his innocence, shoving the device in Gerard's direction stubbornly. "Here - go through my messages, there is nothing there, no other men."

"Frank...stop," Gerard sighed, making no move to even glance down at the lighted screen in front of him. "I'm not even sure why I said that, and I wouldn't blame you if there was."

"There isn't Gerard, I don't want anyone else, just you okay? You are the first person I've ever been in a real relationship with, the first person who has made me feel this way, and I - I can't lose that, not like this," Frank gasped out, trying and failing to regain his composure once more. "I'll do anything Gerard, just tell me what you want from me, I know I fucked up, but I want to make it up to you, just show me how."

"I don't know, I don't know anything anymore," Gerard whined, his head falling into his hands tiredly as he spoke. "I want to trust you, but I  _can't_ , I - my head's a mess, I just need to be alone for a little while."

"Okay...I understand, but..." Frank trailed off suddenly, his eyes catching sight of the faint red marks peeking out of the edge of Gerard's white button up shirt, the raised lines causing him to swallow heavily against the small amount of bile that leaked into his mouth as he imagined how they had come to be, "I can't leave unless I know you will be okay."

"I'll be fine Frank...I'm just so tired, and I can't think straight, but please don't cry, this doesn't change how I feel about you, I just don't know what to do right now."

"So you do care about me?" Frank asked, his lower lip trembling as his body disregarded Gerard's request, silent sobs shaking his frame as Gerard slumped down next to him wearily.

"Yeah...I do, I _shouldn't_ , because this is wrong, and you need to find someone your own age, someone who can give you everything you deserve, but I won't lie to you and say that you don't mean more to me than you probably should." Frank shuddered softly at Gerard's subtle jab at his own falsity, but Frank deserved that, he knew he did, but that didn't mean that he agreed with the rest of Gerard's statement.

"Gerard...don't say that, you are fucking _amazing_  okay, I still can't believe that someone like you actually wanted to be my boyfriend, so if anyone should go off and find someone better, that would be you."

"I'm a fuck up Frank, you didn't know me two years ago,  _hell_  - you barely know me now, so believe me when I say it's better for you if you get as far away from me as you can before I drag you down with me," Gerard scoffed under his breath, his shoulders slumping downward as if he didn't have the strength to hold himself up any longer.

"Stop it Gerard, fucking  _stop it_  okay." Frank's harsh tone snapped Gerard's head up, the watery sheen coating his irises bringing a fresh round of tears to Frank's own eyes. "I am okay with you being pissed at me, I am fine with you not wanting to talk to me right now, but don't you dare say shit about yourself like that, because it isn't true. I'm still just as crazy about you as I was yesterday, my age doesn't change that, so stop doubting everything just because I was an idiot who hid one fact from you."

Gerard opened and closed his mouth numerous times, his expression resembling a gasping fish for a few short moments, no words emitting from his open lips despite the fact that his adam's apple bobbed up and down heavily. When Gerard started visibly trembling, Frank couldn't help but to wrap his arms around Gerard's waist, and even though he was expecting the older man to shove him away, the opposite happened; Gerard melted into Frank's touch, his head burrowing into Frank's shoulder as his lungs nosily drew in air.

"You should go," Gerard mumbled softly, his words providing a stark contrast to his actions, but Frank understood that Gerard was confused, and his presence in his home probably wasn't helping that at all, but Frank was selfish, and he wasn't going to leave, not until Gerard forcibly made him, even though the distance might allow Gerard to reach a solid decision about their relationship sooner rather than later.

"I don't want to," Frank responded truthfully, his hold around Gerard tightening a small fraction, his mind doing its best to imprint this feeling into an everlasting memory just in case he never got to experience this situation again.

"I won't hurt myself, I promise," Gerard sighed out, finally disentangled his limbs from Frank and returning to his side of the couch with a heavy sigh.

"Will you call me later?" Frank asked hopefully, unsure of what to expect from the unstable man, but he had to ask, he wouldn't be able to function without some sort of reassurance.

"I -  _maybe_ , I don't know, it might not be a good idea...someone could find out," Gerard protested, his long fingered hands rubbing together nervously in a manner that had Frank clenching his own appendages into fists to prevent himself from reaching out and stopping Gerard's motions.

"I haven't told anyone Gerard," Frank stated firmly, "well, my friend Pete knows I'm dating you, but he doesn't even go to my school, and I only just found out you are my teacher today," Frank chuckled softly, trying to inject a small amount of humor into the heavy conversation.

"Good - that's good, um...but you probably shouldn't come over here as much, just in case someone sees, and uh..."

"I'll be careful Gerard, I promise, but does this mean that we are still together?" Frank finally asked the question that had been ripping him apart ever since Gerard had initially thrown him out of his classroom earlier in the day, his lungs ceasing to draw oxygen, his heart pausing its constant motions as he awaited the words that would heal the agony he had been in all afternoon, or deliver the final blow that would destroy Frank once and for all.

"I - I don't know Frank, this...this is  _illegal_ , but I want to be...still - I think we should keep our distance from each other for a little while, let this all sink in, but if you still want me once you have cleared your head, maybe we can work something out."

" _Oh_ ," Frank exhaled loudly, unsure of how to react to Gerard's vague response, because he had thought he made it perfectly clear that he desired nothing more than to be with Gerard, age difference or not,  _teacher_  or not, but Gerard still seemed convinced that Frank was going to change his mind at any moment. "I'm always going to want to be with you," Frank added on after a few moments of silence had passed, his hand tentatively linking with Gerard's lax one loosely.

"I hope so," Gerard murmured, his admission so soft that Frank had to strain his ears to catch that muted sentence. "Do you need a ride home, I can have Mikey take you."

"No, I'll walk," Frank whimpered quietly, the sting of rejection returning once more when Gerard made it abundantly clear that he still wanted Frank to leave, and even though Frank tried to rationalize the situation, it still fucking  _hurt_ , and he was tired of fighting against the inevitable fact that Gerard truly wanted Frank to vacate the premises. "Just...please call me if you need something -  _anything_ , I still want to be there for you, even if it has to be as nothing more than a friend," Frank pleaded, his teeth digging into the inner wall of his mouth as he tried to force the images of Gerard crying and alone from his stubborn brain.

"I will, but I'll be okay Frank, don't worry about me."

"That's sort of hard to do," Frank sighed, standing up reluctantly when Gerard did, following the older man down the hallway which led to the door, retrieving his bag on the way which had somehow ended up near the kitchen entryway, even though Frank didn't remember placing it there, his feet dragging heavily with every step, but even with Frank's obvious display projecting his desire to be allowed to stay, Gerard continued onward relentlessly.

"Are you going to be okay?" Gerard turned Frank's own query around on him once they had both paused on the small rug in the entryway, his head tilting to the side as he awaited Frank's answer patiently.

Frank honestly didn't know what to say though, because right now, with Gerard directly adjacent to him, he felt strong enough to wait however long Gerard needed him to, but Frank had a feeling that he wouldn't maintain the same positive attitude when Gerard was no longer there smiling down at him fondly, but what choice did he have?

"I don't know, I think so," Frank nodded in what was supposed to be a reassuring manner, but Gerard didn't look entirely convinced, which Frank didn't blame him for, because Frank wasn't either. "Just...don't forget about me okay?"

"I won't," Gerard stated solemnly, his mouth pulling into a frown as Frank sunk inward on himself, his eyed glued to the floor to hide the fact that he had started crying again from Gerard, the effort proven futile with Gerard's next sentence. "I'm not worth your tears Frank," Gerard murmured affectionately, his thumb wiping away the salt water staining his cheeks, causing Frank to lean into his touch hungrily.

"Bullshit." Frank released a halfhearted chuckle, his eyes fluttering shut as Gerard cupped the side of Frank's face in his palm. "Can you kiss me -  _please_ , just one more time," Frank asked without opening his lids, because despite the fact that he was trying his hardest to maintain a positive outlook, that was much easier said than done, even though Gerard hadn't broken up with him straight away at the very least, but  _still_ \- the deep seated pit of dread forming in Frank's stomach wouldn't allow him to erase the possibility that this might be his final opportunity to request such an intimate action from the older man, so he had to take it, his mind silently begging Gerard not to deny him this paltry form of closure.

"Okay," Gerard responded instantly, his warm breath ghosting across Frank's nose as his head titled downward, his chapped lips grazing against Frank's gently before Frank surged forward, deepening the kiss as their bodies pressed together gently.

Frank sighed into the kiss happily, trying to ignore the bitter traces of sorrow he could taste on Gerard's skin, or the fact that his throat was closing up with the urge to sob for the hundredth time that afternoon, because despite how wonderful the sensation of having his mouth connected to Gerard's was, something had changed, they were different now, and the action that had once brought Frank so much joy only exacerbated everything that he could lose if things went badly over the next few days, but that didn't mean that Frank wanted to pull away, quite the opposite actually.

Frank would give anything to make this moment to last forever, because then all of his problems would fade away as the minutes ticked past, then he could stay here with Gerard, he could kiss him until the school year had ended and nothing would be able to keep them apart, but that was impossible of course, and much too soon for Frank's liking, Gerard stepped back slightly, leaving Frank suddenly cold and empty with Gerard's torso touching his.

"Thank you," Frank gasped out, his eyes stinging as Gerard pulled open the door, signaling to Frank that their time together was up, and _fuck_  - Frank hoped it was just for tonight, but he knew it could be quite a while before he was welcomed into Gerard's home once more.

"It's going to be okay Frank," Gerard murmured as he placed a reassuring hand on Frank's spine, simultaneously comforting him while still encouraging him to take the few steps that would remove him from Gerard's apartment entirely, but the cracked quality to his tone nullified his uplifting message, and Frank knew that if he turned his gaze a few inches higher, Gerard's eyes would be just as waterlogged as his own, but he couldn't bring himself to witness the despair that was so apparent in Gerard's voice. "I'm sorry, but you have to go now."

Frank couldn't respond, his tongue lay dormant and swollen in his mouth, and despite the sudden, desperate urge to say something, to leave Gerard with one more promise, or a goodbye,  _anything_  really, Frank found himself allowing Gerard to push him outside, the kindness behind his actions doing nothing to alleviate the hot spikes of pain that only seemed to subdue when Gerard was present, and before Frank could so much as wave farewell to his maybe boyfriend, the wooden barrier was shut firmly, providing a physical obstruction between Frank and the man that meant entirely too much to him.

And even though Frank knew he needed to get home before his mother began to worry, because it was already getting late, and she was surely curious as to Frank's whereabouts, if she recalled his existence today that was, he wasn't able to make if any further than the steps leading down to the first level before he collapsed heavily, his tired limbs draining of all the energy seeing Gerard had imbued them with, depositing Frank onto the scratchy concrete, his back coming up to lean against a nearby wall as he tugged his shaking knees to his heaving chest.

And despite the fact that anyone could see Frank if they happened to walk by, and he was in no shape to answer questions if someone did, he allowed himself to lose control of his turbulent emotions, all of the tears he had been holding back around Gerard swelling into an out of control surge of sorrow that had Frank sobbing brokenly into his hands, his lungs burning as his body tried to find time to inhale in-between his wracking cries.

Frank attempted to calm himself down, repeating over and over again that Gerard still cared for him, that they might still have a chance at a proper relationship, but his efforts proved useless, something in Gerard's dead eyes didn't back up his words, and Frank knew this wouldn't be easy, not that any relationship between a teacher and a student ever was, but  _still_  - Frank hadn't asked for this, he hadn't known what he was getting himself into, yet he was still willing to make it work, but Gerard had to participate in the struggle as well if they had any chance at happiness.

But it seemed that Gerard had already given up the fight, and even though Frank hadn't,  _not yet_  at least, the knowledge that Gerard hadn't instantly assured Frank that they could make it thought this felt like a dagger lodged inside of his sternum, the point twisting continuously as each new revelation was brought to light, and even though Frank hadn't expected a miracle, he had hoped that seeing Gerard would at least remove the foreign obstruction pressing against his most vital organs, but instead, it had only buried the sharp edges even deeper inside of him.

 _Oh god_...it hurt, it hurt  _so fucking much_ , and Frank needed to cry, he had to expel his internal agony before burying the remainder back down into the ever growing pile of pain that Frank carried around with him constantly, but even then, Frank wasn't entirely certain if he could bear this weight, not after having Gerard help carry the load with him for the last few weeks, but Frank had a feeling he was going to be forced to either way, and if he wanted to win back Gerard's trust, he would have to suffer through it somehow.


	22. Falling Down The Rabbit Hole

As soon as Gerard shut the door behind Frank's retreating figure, he _broke_ \- physically and mentally; his knees buckled underneath him, depositing his body onto the floor in a messy heap of limbs and ruination, the tears he had refused to shed in front of Frank spilling down his cheeks suddenly, his chest aching as he clutched at his hair weakly, pulling the dark strands sharply in an attempt to push his emotional agony to the background with a dose of physical pain.

Forcing Frank to leave had been the hardest thing Gerard had ever had to do in his life, in fact, he had almost lost his resolve numerous times during their short conversation, and it had taken all of the mental willpower he possessed to hold true to his earlier decision of giving them both some time to think about what they were getting themselves into, even though the only thing Gerard had wanted to do was to clutch tightly to Frank's small frame and never let him go.

But this separation was the best option for the both of them, even though it didn't feel that way, but no matter how much Gerard cared for Frank, he couldn't allow him to ruin his life by participating in an illegal relationship, even if he was willing to risk everything for a chance to be with Gerard.

And honestly - Gerard didn't understand why Frank was so invested in him, although _yes_ \- there was something there between them, a undeniable bond that Gerard had never experienced with another human being before, but he had never been sure if Frank felt it as well, or if he simply enjoyed the way Gerard gave him attention, the way he listened to him, the way he provided him with a shoulder to cry on, but if Frank could be believed, which Gerard still wasn't one-hundred percent certain about, than Gerard meant more to Frank than he could ever begin to fathom, and although that thought did release a soft spark of joy in Gerard's chest, it also _hurt_ , because Frank shouldn't feel that way about him, it would only end in pain.

"Gee?" Mikey's voice broke through Gerard's self-imposed misery, his soft footsteps resounding alongside Gerard's choked sobs until his sock clad toes appeared at the edges of Gerard's blurred field of vision. "How are you holding up?" Mikey asked warily, causing Gerard to release a strangled laugh, because his slumped over position in front of the door spoke volumes for his mental state, not to mention the tear tracks staining his swollen face, but he knew that Mikey meant well, so he forced himself to answer, although the last thing he wanted to do was talk about his feelings.

"Not that well," Gerard chuckled dryly, his fingers trembling as he pressed them against his eyes in an effort to stop crying for long enough to reassure Mikey that he would be fine, even though Gerard wasn't anywhere _close_ to that, but he didn't want to worry Mikey any more than he already was.

"I'm sorry - I probably shouldn't have let Frank in here, but he was a wreck, and I couldn't just leave him like that...you know?" Mikey murmured softly, as if the mention of Frank's name might shatter Gerard completely if it was uttered at a volume louder than a whisper, which might not actually be too far from the truth.

"No - it's okay, I needed to talk with him anyway...I just didn't know it would be so hard," Gerard choked out, shrinking in on himself in the process, because maybe if he made himself smaller, he could protect himself from the metaphorical arrows filled with sorrow that were continuously piercing his battered frame, or maybe _not_ , but either way, he felt slightly better with his knees tucked against his chest and his forehead resting against them.

"What did you say to him?" Mikey prodded gently, and Gerard wasn't sure if Mikey was simply trying to get Gerard to release some of his emotional torment through words, or if he honestly didn't know, because Gerard wouldn't put it past Mikey to eavesdrop on his private conversations, he had done it numerous times before after all, but after a deep sigh, he decided to humor his young brother, he really had nothing better to do after all besides for lock himself in his room and cry until he became hysterical.

"Just that I needed time, and that he should move on and find someone else," Gerard responded wearily, his heart stuttering in his chest as he imagined Frank finding happiness in another man's arms, even though that was _exactly_ what Frank needed to do, but that didn't mean Gerard didn't loathe the thought. "He didn't take it well...he was crying Mikes, I made him cry."

" _Hell_ \- you should have seen him when he first arrived." Mikey's face instantly fell when Gerard whimpered softly, the visual picture of Frank that popped up in the forefront of his mind torturing him along with the overwhelming guilt he was already trying to cope with, and it seemed that Mikey realized his mistake, although it was a few seconds too late. "Sorry - I'm not helping, but you can't blame yourself Gee, you did the right thing, at least...I _think_ you did."

"What do you mean?" Gerard asked gruffly, because he wasn't in the mood to be chastised by his younger brother, but at the same time, he wanted to drag this discussion out as much as possible, because the longer he was occupied with Mikey, the softer the voices in his head became, the screaming faded into a faint murmur that was almost unnoticeable as long as Gerard didn't focus on them.

" _Well_ \- I probably shouldn't be saying this, but you and Frank...I don't know, there is something special about him," Mikey sighed heavily, his lanky body folding downward so he could seat himself next to Gerard. "Don't get me wrong, I am not encouraging you to ignore his age, because I don't want you to end up in jail, but I also don't think that you should cut him out of your life entirely. You _need_ Frank, and not only that, he needs you too, _hell_ \- I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he is falling in love with you."

"W-what?" Gerard sputtered out, his eyes widening as the weight of Mikey's words pinned him down until he could barely breathe. "No...he _can't_ , we haven't even known each other that long, I - he doesn't love me Mikey, that's ridiculous."

"Calm down Gee, I am not saying he does for sure, he hasn't told me in so many words, but _fuck_ \- do you even see how he looks at you, how he never wants to leave your side, how he is more than willing to drop everything to make sure you are okay? That seems like a little more than just simple affection if you ask me," Mikey shrugged, and although Gerard knew Mikey had good intentions, his statement had the opposite effect, and before Gerard could stop himself, he was sobbing again, his spine pressing against the hard paneling behind him as if he could disappear into the wood, successfully removing himself from his fucked up situation, as well as the agony that came along with it.

"No...no...no," Gerard gasped in-between each of his cries, his mind glorifying in his distress, old memories surrounding that hated word dragging him back into the past that Gerard never wanted to remember, but now that the flashbacks had started, they wouldn't stop, and Gerard was helpless to do anything besides for suffer silently as his mind systemically destroyed him from the inside out.

 _Love_ \- those four letters were a deadly poison dressed up in a shiny bottle with a fancy label, and like the idiot he was, Gerard had ingested the liquid unknowingly, the contents dragging him down into the rabbit hole, but instead of Wonderland waiting for him, it was chaos, _madness_ , the worst dredges of hell that Gerard had already lived through once before, but time had twisted his recollections into something that was too horrendous to even be classified as a nightmare, and Gerard couldn't find the path out, not this time.

It brought back glimpses of Colton murmuring lies into his eager ears, of pain, and heartbreak, and despair, of fresh lines carved into his body caused because he didn't believe he was worthy of love, of his parents who didn't feel that emotion for him anymore, if they ever had, of Elena, who had been the only one to ever show him true acceptance, who was gone now, of the emptiness inside of him, the ache that would never fully dissipate, the self-loathing that Gerard pretended wasn't as deeply ingrained in him as it really was, of how Frank would only get dragged into this destructive mess if he truly did care for Gerard so deeply, which couldn't happen, no one could love Gerard, _hell_ \- he didn't even love himself.

Gerard wanted to find a way to rectify the broken circuit within his mind that made him this way - he truly _did_ ; he ached to have someone genuinely care for him, to desire to live with him, to marry him, to grow old with him, but he wasn't capable of maintaining a healthy relationship, he had _tried_ , but it always ended in tears, and now this debacle with Frank had Gerard on the verge of giving up, which would probably be the best for everyone anyway.

Asking Frank to be his boyfriend was a moment of weakness - Gerard could see that now, he had clung to Frank because he brought a warmth to his life that had previously been absent, he made Gerard feel without any blades or pills involved, which was a rare enough occasion in itself, but not only that, Frank had seen no flaw in Gerard, even when he had grazed the surface of his numerous dirty secrets, he hadn't cared, and _fuck_ \- Gerard didn't want to lose that, but he didn't deserve Frank, and he refused to let this escalate any further than it already had.

He would break Frank's heart in the end, that was almost one-hundred percent guaranteed, and if that somehow didn't happen, Gerard would be left wounded instead, because Frank was young, and he had no idea what he was missing out on by settling for Gerard, but one day he would find out, and Gerard knew without a doubt that Frank would leave him eventually, no matter how many pretty promises fell from his lips stating otherwise.

 _Hell_ \- Gerard should have been more firm with Frank, he should have made him realize that this could only destroy the two of them, he shouldn't have kissed him, but he _had_ , and now Frank was most likely walking home with a bubble of misplaced hope in his chest that Gerard had placed there, that Gerard would have to crush eventually, which was a cruelty that Gerard had never intended to inflict on the innocent boy, but it was too late to take his actions back now, so he would have to live with the fact that was going to ruin Frank like he himself had been broken so long ago.

The whirlwind of thoughts that had suddenly assaulted Gerard pelted down on him all at once, each new realization stinging like a fresh bullet wound, and although Gerard had become an expert at cutting himself off from emotions that he didn't want to feel, this attack had caught him by surprise, and Gerard was left weak and defenseless, his limbs vibrating as he did his best to cower away from the metaphorical blows.

"Hey...Gee, _fuck_ \- what did I say?" Mikey questioned in a panicked tone of voice, his hands trying to grasp onto Gerard's which were currently digging into his eye sockets painful, turning his vision spotty and blurred behind his closed lids. "You gotta calm down, everything is okay, _shit_ -" Mikey was cut off when Gerard began to tremble convulsively, his skull smacking against the wall behind him before Mikey dragged him into his lap, wrapping his arms around Gerard in a vice-like grip that prevented him from hurting himself any more than he already had.

"Can't b-breathe," Gerard stuttered out, his chest burning with the need for oxygen, but Gerard had lost control of his body, only Mikey's touch was doing something to ground him, and even that was barely enough.

"Yes you can Gee, you just have to try," Mikey murmured soothingly, his hand pressing down onto his sternum gently as if to encourage his useless lungs to function normally once more. "Can you count with me Gee?"

Gerard shook his head no in response, his throat closing up as an irrational wave of terror overtook him, the fear flowing through his veins clogging the blood that his body so desperately needed, leaving Gerard shaking violently and half convinced that he was dying here and now, even though the logical side of his mind knew that he was simply having a severe panic attack, but that didn't lessen the stark pangs of horror rolling over Gerard in never ending waves.

"No - okay then, you can feel my heartbeat right?" Mikey carefully moved Gerard's hand over the aforementioned organ, pressing Gerard's open palm against the left side of his chest until he bobbed his head slowly in acquiescence. "I want you to try and inhale when I do, and then exhale. Time it with my heartbeat, can you do that?"

"I - I'm scared," Gerard stammered, his tongue lying heavy and thick in his mouth as tried to avoid blacking out, because Gerard was afraid he would never wake up if that happened, and he wasn't ready to die, not _yet_ anyway.

"Shh - don't be afraid Gee, it's all in your head okay? You are at home, and you're safe. I'm not going to let go of you," Mikey stated firmly, his positive words sinking into the miasma that surrounded Gerard's fucked up head, calming him just enough to process what Mikey was trying to get him to do, focusing on the steady thrumming pulsing through his skin instead of the mess inside of his head.

And in that moment, Gerard wanted nothing more than to tell Mikey how grateful he was for his presence, and how much this meant to him, because Mikey was one of the very few people that knew how to deal with him when he was afflicted with a panic attack, and if it wasn't for him, Gerard would be in a much darker place right now, _hell_ \- Gerard would surely be dead long ago if wasn't for his stubborn little brother.

But he couldn't push the simple sentence past the obstruction in his throat, and _really_ \- he didn't need to, because Mikey knew that Gerard was thankful for him, and that he cared, no matter how often they fought, because they were brothers, and that was the only relationship that Gerard could still depend on, even when everyone else in his life at failed him at one point or another.

Gerard felt himself slowly coming back into a healthier state of mind, his ribcage gradually unclenching from around his lungs, his hand warming up under the heat of Mikey's skin, his vision clearing as oxygen returned to his body bit by bit, leaving Gerard relieved, and also exhausted, Mikey's hold around him being the only thing that was still keeping him upright.

"Better?" Mikey asked warily once Gerard's labored pants had faded away into soft gaps for air, his embrace around Gerard never faltering as Gerard's shudders ceased to wrack his aching muscles.

"Yeah - _fuck_...you don't have any coke do you?" Gerard asked when he could speak again, only truly half joking, because he needed something to take him away from the reality he was currently trapped within, and even though the contents of his medicine cabinet were always available to him, he didn't want to break his earlier promises to Frank not to hurt himself, and he couldn't guarantee that if he was left to his own devices.

"You are kidding right?" Mikey scoffed, his grip around Gerard tightening minutely before he let go completely, turning Gerard around so he could look him dead in the eye. "You finally kicked that shit Gee, don't tell me you are really considering falling back into it."

"I'm not...I don't know, I'm _just_ \- I need to shut up my head for a little while, and as much as I hated what the stuff made me do, it helped with that at least."

"Well I'm not giving you any, you need sleep, not _drugs_ ," Mikey stated firmly, lacing his arm under Gerard's shoulder before pulling him to his feet gently. "Let's get you in bed okay?"

"Fine," Gerard grumbled wearily, even though he doubted he would get much rest. He may have been physically drained from the large amount of crying his body had been put through today, but his mind was wide awake, the voices in his head just waiting for Mikey to leave before they pounced again.

"By the way, your phone has been going off for the last few minutes," Mikey informed Gerard as he helped him take a few slow steps forward, his gaze arrowing toward Gerard's messenger bag from which Gerard could now hear a soft buzzing emanating from.

"Oh shit - that is probably Bert, I promised I would text him when I got home, but it completely slipped my mind when I saw F-," Gerard cut himself off before he could finish voicing Frank's name, swallowing heavily instead to try and drown out the churning sensation in his stomach that had emerged at the utterance.

"Here." Mikey leaned down, retrieving the device before handing it to Gerard, earning him a grateful nod from his older brother, because if Gerard had attempted to execute that move, he most likely would have fallen on his face, his legs were barely supporting him right now as it was.

"Thanks," Gerard murmured as he typed out a quick message to Bert, explaining what had happened in as few words as possible, promising him more details once he had tried to get some shut eye, after which Mikey took hold of his arm once again, gently tugging him down the hallway until they were situated in Gerard's small room.

As soon as Mikey began to leave, Gerard's limbs resumed their shaking, and as much as Gerard was tempted to silence his irrational emotions through the self-destructive methods that were his habit, he couldn't let Frank down, not to mention Bert, but Gerard honestly wasn't certain if he was strong enough to resist the sibilant urges on his own.

"Mikes..." Gerard spoke up once he had seated himself at the edge of his bed, knowing that he had to vocalize his request now before he lost his nerve entirely.

"Yeah?" Mikey turned around from his position in the doorway, a worried expression sharpening the angles in his face as he peered down at Gerard nervously.

"C-can you stay with me, just for a little bit...I don't want to be alone right now," Gerard admitted softly, his embarrassment at appearing so weak almost entirely drowned out under his intense desire for some form of company.

"Yeah Gee, anything you need," Mikey agreed instantly before crawling next to Gerard, smirking softly when Gerard curled up under the covers without bothering to strip out of his work clothes.

"You sure you want to sleep in that?"

"Too tired to change," Gerard mumbled, but he did unbutton his tight waist coat, deciding to also remove his belt as well after a few moments consideration, but that was a far as he got before he collapsed back down onto the mattress again.

"You are so weird," Mikey mumbled fondly, his long legs stretching out as Gerard burrowed even further under the sheets.

"Yeah I know," Gerard scoffed playfully, a soft smile tugging on his lips when Mikey's presence continued to keep the voices away, and at least for now, Gerard was safe, and maybe tomorrow, he would have the strength to face the remnants of his life that had been almost completely destroyed by the loss of Frank, but for right now, he was more than content to listen to Mikey's steady breathing until oblivion overtook him.

~~~

Frank stood on his front porch for far too long, trying to summon up the courage to walk inside, as well as the composure, because he was a mess right now, and it would be obvious to anyone that something terrible had happened to him - even his _mother_ , and Frank knew he would break if she so much as asked him how he was doing, which was something that he was trying to avoid at all costs.

Frank didn't know how long he had spent sobbing on the stairs outside of Gerard's apartment building, but when a large amount of people began to enter and vacate their rooms, forcing them into Frank's path in the process, he had managed to rein in his unruly emotions, the expulsion actually succeeding in calming Frank down enough that he was able to make the short walk home without another breakdown.

Frank's heart still ached, but he was doing his best to pretend that it didn't, because if he was going to make it through this without going completely insane, he had to think positively, so he focused on the memory of Gerard's lips pressed against his, avoiding the darker side of his mind that seemed so intent on reminded him that it very well may have been the last time he would ever kiss Gerard.

And now that his house was looming before him, Frank couldn't allow Gerard to seep into his thoughts, because he was an entity that he kept separate from this life, _hell_ \- being with Gerard was akin to living on another planet entirely, a happier place, even with the newly induced pain that had come with Gerard discovering Frank's age, but still, Frank would chose his existence with Gerard over this sorry excuse of a home any day, but right now, he didn't really have any choice in the matter.

Finally, Frank turned his key in the lock, grunting slightly when it stuck halfway through just like always, which was something that Frank had been meaning to rectify for ages, but the mundane task never failed to slip from his mind whenever he actually had free time, and Frank knew for a fact that it wasn't going to get done tonight, _hell_ \- he would be lucky if he could make it through dinner without incident.

Frank's mother didn't immediately greet him when he walked inside, which wasn't unusual, even though he knew she was home, her car was in the driveway at least, and eventually, Frank found her curled up in the study they never used, gazing down at a book placed haphazardly in her lap.

"Hey mom, you hungry?" Frank asked quietly, mentally patting himself on the back for keeping his voice cool and composed, the torrent of emotions that had been raging inside of him all day had dialed back considerably after his impromptu breakdown outside of Gerard's apartment, but that didn't mean they weren't still there - they were just subdued, and Frank hoped they stayed that way for the rest of the evening.

"Hmm?" Frank's mother hummed noncommittally, her eyes darting up for a moment before drifting back down to the page they were on. "I guess I could eat," she shrugged, her oversized cardigan falling off her shoulder with the motion, and she made no attempt to pull it back into its proper position.

"Okay...I'll be in the kitchen," Frank sighed, dumping his school things in his room before heading back downstairs to rummage through the cabinets, trying to find something he could make with half a carton of milk, a few cans of beans, and an expired box of Mini Wheats, because _of course_ , Frank had forgotten to stop by the grocery store after school today, and although he had a good reason for his distraction, it didn't make him any less hungry.

After a bit more searching, Frank managed to unearth some Easy Mac that was still in date, and even though it wasn't much, coupled with the beans, it would get him and his mother through the night, so Frank set about boiling water, his motions faltering slightly when his mother wandered into the room halfway through his preparations.

Frank took a moment to truly look at the woman in front of him, because even though Frank had been aware of her decreasing health for ages, she suddenly appeared so different from the loving mother he had known two years ago; her hair was thinner and drooping, her frame had shrunken significantly, mostly caused by the fact that she forgot to eat if Frank didn't set food down in front of her, but the physical changes weren't the worst, even though they were worrisome, but _no_ \- it was her eyes that caused Frank to sniffle softly, because they were dead, there was nothing left of his mother behind them, and _fuck_ \- Frank would give anything for time to move in reverse, bringing him back to the days when he could turn to his mother for anything, when she always knew just what to say, or to do to make Frank feel better.

And even though it was most likely stupid, and Frank was almost certainly going to regret his utterance as soon as he spoke, he found himself opening his mouth, desperate to see if his mother could play the part she was intended to for the few short minutes in which he needed her, because after today, he needed some sort of advice, or comfort, _anything_ really, and he couldn't turn to Pete, he would only say _'I told you so'_ , which left Frank at a loss for anyone who cared about him except for the woman standing before him.

"So...I met this girl," Frank spoke up as he stirred the noodles in the pan, keeping one eye on his mother to see how she would react, obviously twisting his story a bit to prevent his mother from throwing him out onto the street, which is exactly what she would do if she found out that this girl was a _man_ , and not to mention his teacher at that.

"Oh...that's nice honey," his mother responded after about thirty seconds had passed, the dullness to her tone inspiring Frank to continue in the hopes of eliciting some sort of reaction out of her, even if it was one of anger.

"She seemed really into me at first, but now...I don't know, I am sort of torn up about it. She says she still cares about me, but we can't be together at the moment, and I really like her, but I don't know how to convince her to give me another chance."

"Is the food ready?" was his mother's response, her complete disinterest in Frank's life cutting his chest cavity wide open, renewing the pain that Gerard had inflicted upon him earlier tenfold, because he had no one now, not his boyfriend, not his mother, most definitely not his father, and _fuck_ \- Frank had thought he had himself under control, but with a few careless words, his mother had torn down his fragile defensives all over again.

Frank was barely able to scoop out his mother's portion before he was forced to sprint up to his room to hid his tears, nearly ripping the knob from the stove as he turned it off in his hurry, ignoring his own growling stomach in favor of seeking solitude in his sorrow, because his mother wouldn't understand why he was crying, _hell_ \- she probably wouldn't even comment on it, and Frank couldn't take any more rejection today, he just wasn't strong enough.

Frank was almost tempted to text Gerard, just to see if he would answer, but Frank knew that he mostly likely wouldn't and Frank wasn't a glutton for any more punishment, he was suffering enough right now, so he simply curled up at the edge of his mattress instead, sobbing softly to himself as his world fell to pieces around him, the shrapnel piercing his bruised skin until he was nothing except for a mess of metaphorical cuts and blood.

 


	23. Whack-A-Gerard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what to say to make up for the long wait on this chapter besides for I'm sorry, but this is the hard part of this story for me to write since I didn't have it planned out, so I struggled a lot with this update.
> 
> But hey - better late than never right?
> 
> Updates will probably continue to be slow for a little bit, but I will try my best not to have them be a month apart like this one.

Frank practically sprinted into his first class of the day, his hurried steps inspired by his late awakening, courtesy of drinking entirely too much last night in an effort to stifle his sadness, which had been a complete and utter failure, only heightening his longing for Gerard to the point that Frank had to turn off his phone to prevent himself from calling the older man for the twentieth time, his earlier resolve to not bother him just yet had completed disintegrated once he had gotten a few shots in his bloodstream, leaving him with the world's worst hangover and very nearly a tardy slip as well.

Frank's English teacher sniffed sharply at his late entrance, but she let his misdemeanor slide for now, most likely because it was still the beginning of the school year, but whatever the reason, Frank was grateful for the lenience since there was no way he could make it through a detention in his current state.

Frank had heavily debated skipping school entirely after even the simple act of rolling out of bed had caused him to groan in pain, his temples protesting angrily at the sudden movement, but his mother was having one of her more lucid days, and she had taken it upon herself to rouse Frank just when he had been about to doze off on the carpet, throwing his oversized uniform in his direction and refusing to leave him be until Frank stood up and began to get dressed.

But now that he was here, with his teacher's annoyingly high pitched voice doing nothing to soothe his pounding headache, Frank truly regretted not trying harder to convince his mother that he was sick so he could have stayed home, because it was obvious that Frank was going to learn nothing today. He didn't even have Gerard's class to motivate his attendance, not that Frank was entirely sure if he wanted to sit through a repeat of the other afternoon, but _still_ \- Frank needed to see Gerard again, it felt like ages since he had last laid eyes on the older man, even though he had been in his presence less than a day ago.

It was probably for the best though, because Frank was nowhere near strong enough for yet another confrontation with Gerard, and _really_ \- he had nothing else to say to him that wouldn't be a repetition of his earlier pleas. Gerard held all of the power now, and no matter how badly Frank wanted to continue to interject himself into his life, he knew that the wise choice would be to give Gerard some space until he came to terms with Frank's true age, pestering him would only hurt Frank's chances of a reunion with the older man in the end.

Frank's resolve was quickly put to the test though, a glimpse of Gerard coming out of the staff room had Frank freezing in place, his heart beating erratically as he called upon all of the willpower he possessed, fighting the urge to chase after Gerard and do - _well_ , Frank hadn't planned that far out, and knowing him, whatever action he did choose most likely wouldn't be appropriate for school grounds, so even though his stomach twisted with disappointment when Gerard disappeared into the crowd without a backward glance in Frank's direction, at least it prevented Frank from making a fool of himself in front of all the seniors currently clogging the hallway.

After that encounter, Frank shut down, he didn't have any other choice unless he wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon sobbing softly in the bathroom, and he had already become much too acquainted with those tiles yesterday, but somehow, he managed to make it through the rest of his classes without losing control of his tremulous emotions, even though he caught numerous sightings of Gerard throughout the day, each occurrence sending shooting spikes of pain flowing into Frank's bloodstream, but every time they happened, Gerard vanished before he could do anything more than gape after him in an embarrassing fashion.

Frank only managed to survive the seemingly endless passage of hours by stamping down on any and all Gerard related thoughts as soon as they popped into the forefront of his brain, engaging in a mental game of whack-a-mole featuring his teacher instead of an actual rodent, the accompanying image of a miniature Gerard dodging away from an oversized mallet had Frank suppressing a series of giggles caused by his current state of exhaustion.

When the final bell shrieked out loudly, intensifying the side effects of Frank's hangover that persistently refused to fade away, Frank truly meant to walk straight home, or maybe to Pete's place; he still hadn't informed his best friend about what had occurred between him and Gerard, mostly because actually voicing it aloud would only make everything that much more real, and Frank was already struggling enough as it was, but _still_ \- Frank didn't like keeping Pete in the dark, especially when he knew that Pete would most likely be able to comfort him, after chastising him for ever getting into a relationship with an older man in the first place of course.

But despite his best intentions to retreat to the safety of his room, either that or Pete's, Frank's feet seemed to have developed a mind of their own, and before he could comprehend what he was doing, he found himself skidding to a halt outside of Gerard's classroom, his eyes boring into the wood obstructing his vision in a desperate attempt to see if the teacher was inside. The window cut into it was covered with some sort of poster, preventing Frank from unearthing if anyone was occupying the space, but Frank wasn't going to allow himself to be deterred just yet.

And even though Frank should have taken the closed door as a sign that he shouldn't be doing this, that he needed to turn around now before he managed to humiliate himself in front of Gerard any more than he already had, Frank was knocking, his knuckles rapping loudly against the grain, his breath catching in his chest as he waited for some answering sound from inside the room, a scrape of a chair, a sigh - _anything_ really, but after a minute had passed and no disruption reached his ear, Frank took matters into his own hand, twisting the knob roughly, only to be stopped short when it barely turned, signifying that the door was locked, and Frank's impromptu plan had failed completely, the following disappointment rendering Frank motionless, his body slumping against the wall tiredly, his muscles too weak to support him anymore.

Frank wasn't sure why he had been so convinced that Gerard would wait around after school had already been let out in the first place, it wasn't as if he had been expecting Frank to show up, _hell_ \- Frank didn't even know if he had a fourth period class on Tuesdays. It wasn't like he had memorized Gerard's schedule after all, he had only discovered that he taught at this school yesterday, but that didn't stop Frank from wanting to break down in sobs again. No tears came though, his body had cried itself out last night, leaving him dehydrated and incapable of producing any more physical manifestations of his sorrow.

Once Frank realized that he was starting to get a few strange looks from the remaining students that hadn't immediately sprinted home, he pushed himself away from the wall stubbornly, turning his back on Gerard's classroom as he strode outside as fast as his shaky legs would carry him, his mind racing as his moved on autopilot, the lack of contact with Gerard taking its toll on Frank as he realized that he would most likely be faced with many more of these days in the very near future, and _fuck_ \- Frank didn't think he could do this, he wasn't strong enough anymore. Gerard had drained him of his false veneer that he had used to survive for so long, and without it, Frank was exposed and vulnerable, waiting for the slightest push before he tumbled to the ground, his essence one touch away from shattering into nothingness.

Frank walked for ages, the physical activity helping to soothe his aching head and wounded heart, his eyes not truly viewing his surroundings as he went, not until a familiar wooded area began to emerge around him, informing Frank that he was in close proximity to his and his father's secret place, his and _Gerard's_ place, and even though the memories the small field contained should have had Frank shying away in fear, he found himself drawn in instead, his hands scraping against branches as he hurried toward the site of one of his happiest moments with Gerard.

All too soon, Frank reached the small meadow that held so much meaning to him, his chest heaving and his palms stinging as he paused at the edge of the natural clearing, gazing out over it in search of any signs of change, as if his recent downturn in his relationship with Gerard would have transformed this place as well, but it still appeared exactly the same as it always had, the afternoon sunlight dappling the long blades of grass with a welcoming glow, and Frank even swore he could see the body sized indents from where he and Gerard had lain together not too long ago.

Moving on autopilot, Frank dropped his heavy bag before heading further into the open space, the soft hum of wind rustling through the trees calming him as the soothing aura that always seemed to accompany this place washed over him. Frank's footsteps paused in front of the small patch of land where he and Gerard had spent the evening stargazing, his vision flickering slightly as a vivid image of their entwined bodies rose to the forefront of his mind, the accompanying rush of remembered feelings almost completely eradicating the pain that coated Frank like a second skin.

Heaving out a soft sigh, Frank allowed his tired muscles to give out, his frame coming to rest on the soft ground as he curled inward on himself, his fingers running over the tufts of grass slowly as he breathed deeply through his nose, enjoying the lack of agony shooting through his limbs for first time since he had seen Gerard standing at the front of the art classroom yesterday, even though that event seemed to have happened years ago in Frank's mind.

And although Frank was well aware that this bubble of contentment was only fleeting, and it would most likely pop as soon as he was forced to leave this meadow and face the real world once more, he didn't really care at the moment, because he felt safe here, _protected_ even, like maybe if he stayed in this spot for a little while longer, he could begin to accumulate some of his strength back, bracing himself for whatever was going to come next for him and Gerard, so that was exactly what Frank did, his eyes falling shut as he basked in old memories, and if he pretended hard enough, he could almost feel Gerard's arms surrounding him, his comforting presence inundating the still air even though the older man was currently miles away.

~~~

Unfortunately for Gerard, he was not in as good a state as Frank, even though he was trying to fool himself into believing that he was, but despite the fact that he hadn't actually had a class with Frank today, he couldn't get his student out of his mind, and the numerous times he had spied him in the crowded hallways had done nothing to help with that.

The day was over now though, and Gerard had managed to teach his classes successfully, not allowing his worries about Frank to distract him until he had vacated the building, but now Gerard was struggling with the decision focusing around what to do with the rest of his afternoon, his heart tearing in numerous directions as he debated over what would cause him the least harm come morning.

The smart thing would most likely involve going straight home and avoiding everyone and everything, but there were so many temptations there; his fridge full of liquor, his stash of pills, his blades, and he didn't want to burden Mikey with the task of watching over him for the second night in a row, even though he would most likely need a guardian given the way he was feeling at the moment.

Gerard could also go to a bar, and even though he would probably end up getting completely drunk within hours, he would also be out in public, with other people surrounding him, preventing him from doing anything dangerous besides for destroying his liver with copious amounts of alcohol that is.

But _really_ \- what Gerard wanted more than anything was to see Frank, to hold him one more time, to pretend that the events of yesterday had never happened, to rewind time back to when Frank had made everything better instead of complicating his life to the point of madness, but those days where over now, and without Frank to turn to, Gerard was adrift and confused, wallowing in self-pity and the steadily overwhelming desire to take out his frustrations on his own skin.

Gerard couldn't allow himself to do that though, especially not after seeing Frank today without him knowing that he was being observed. Before this afternoon, Gerard had never thought of Frank as anything else other than a person; he was his boyfriend, not a _minor_ , but the sight of him drowning in his school uniform, his book bag dragging his shoulders downward as he scurried to his next class had forced Gerard to admit that he couldn't fool himself into pretending that Frank's age wasn't a serious problem, and _fuck_ \- it had truly hit Gerard then, even though it should have sunk in yesterday, but it hadn't until just now.

Frank was a student - a _child_ even, no matter how mature he appeared to Gerard, which made Gerard disgusting by association, because he was still attracted to Frank, his revelation concerning his age had done nothing to change that, and it was only now that Gerard was beginning to realize how seriously fucked up he was.

Gerard had made so many mistakes in his life, so many choices that he had ended up regretting later on, but this trumped all of them, even though he had yet to get caught, but _still_ \- he was technically a pedophile. Just thinking of the term which now applied to him caused Gerard's skin to crawl unpleasantly, his chest tightening up as he tried to come to terms with the fact that he was truly a monster in society's eyes.

But the worst thing was, Gerard didn't want to lose Frank, he still craved his touch, his kisses, _everything_ , but how could he allow himself to continue with this knowing what he did? Frank deserved a boyfriend that was allowed to be seen with him in public, that could have sex with him without it being classified as rape, and Gerard couldn't be that person, _not yet_ anyway.

Just then, Gerard's phone began chiming softly, breaking him free from his morose train of thought for the time being. He wasn't at all surprised when he saw Mikey's name flashing across the screen, his brother was most likely worried about him since Gerard's last class had let out almost an hour ago by this point, and even though Gerard would usually be irritated at Mikey's motherly tendencies, he appreciated the concern today.

"Hey Mikes," Gerard picked up on the third ringing, starting the car while he spoke so he could flip on the air conditioner. The interior of the vehicle had become borderline uncomfortable while he was lost inside of his mind, and he had only just now noticed the way his shirt was sticking to his back with sweat.

"Where are you?" Mikey asked in response, a hint of worry tinting his tone with shades of blue, leaving Gerard feeling guilty for putting that fear into his brother's voice.

"I'm still at school, I'm going to head home now though," Gerard answered quickly, doing his best to appear as lighthearted as possible so Mikey wouldn't immediately assume that he was lying about his location.

"Okay - good, and I just wanted to warn you that Ray is here, and Bert is on his way over. We haven't all hung out in a while, so I thought it would be nice to get everyone together for the afternoon," Mikey informed Gerard, ignoring the soft sigh that escaped Gerard's lips when he discovered that they had company.

"This better not be some sort of intervention or anything like that," Gerard scoffed, not putting it past his brother to gather their friends together in a misguided attempt at cheering Gerard up somehow.

"It's not - _I swear_ , I just think it would be good for you to spend some time with someone that isn't Frank or I for a little bit."

Gerard couldn't exactly argue with him there, because it had been more than a month since he had last seen Ray, and he hadn't met up with Bert since their quick stint at the coffee shop over a week ago. That was mostly caused by Frank's sudden appearance in his life, so maybe it would be nice to catch up with them over a few beers instead of drinking himself senseless at the nearest bar, and their presence would hopefully keep his darker urges at bay for the time being.

"Fine, I'm leaving now, and you better make sure they don't eat us out of house and home before I get there," Gerard threatened playfully, all thoughts of Frank forgotten for the moment as he ended the call with Mikey and began the short drive back to his apartment, a smile tugging at his lips at the prospect of seeing his friends once he arrived.

~~~

Much to his surprise, Gerard found that he was actually enjoying the extra bodies inundating life into his typically dismal home, the chatter and clinking of bottles distracting him from the mess in his head as he reclined back on the couch, grabbing a nearby bag of chips with his free hand that wasn't clutching a beer in it.

They had spent the past few hours catching up, avoiding the dangerous topics involving Frank, as well as the band, even Bert knew not to tread in that territory although he hadn't been a part of that experience. Instead, they had kept the conversation light, but the alcohol was quickly loosening their tongues, and Gerard could tell by the look on Mikey's face that his brother was struggling to hold back from asking Gerard questions he would rather not be faced with right now.

Trying to diffuse the growing tension that he could feel in the room when their voices died down briefly, Gerard switched on the television, idly flipping through the channels in the hopes of finding something interesting to watch, but luck wasn't on his side, and he ended up settling on Jeopardy, which seemed to instantly catch Bert's attention if the way he threw himself down onto the cushion next to Gerard meant anything that is.

"I fucking love this show," Bert exclaimed excitedly, "but it always makes me feel stupid since I can never guess half of the answers."

"I'm lucky if I end up get a third correct," Gerard chuckled, scooting slightly closer to Bert when Mikey and Ray returned from the kitchen with fresh beers for everyone, squeezing themselves into the remaining space even though the couch was not meant to hold that many bodies comfortably.

They wasted another thirty minutes attempting to play along with the game, laughing at each other's shouted out suggestions which progressively got more ridiculous as time went on. Gerard couldn't remember the last occasion where he had done something like this, and he realized that he had missed this sort of companionship, but it wasn't in him to seek it out anymore, he had become too accustomed to his reclusive lifestyle once the band had fallen apart, and he knew that no matter how much refreshing this rare bout of companionship was, he would make no effort to plan another of these evenings without quite a bit of prodding from Mikey.

But the peace didn't last, _of course_ it didn't, not that Gerard had really expected it to, but he still cringed slightly when Mikey snatched the remote out of his lap as soon as the show ended, flicking off the television before turning to Gerard with a serious look sharpening the angles of his thin face.

"So Gerard," Mikey began slowly, his words drawing out in Gerard's ears as if time was moving at half its normal speed, "not that this hasn't been lovely, but I actually brought everyone over so we can talk about the whole Frank situation." Gerard scoffed harshly, his spine tensing up at the mere mention of Frank's name, taking a large sip from his beer in an attempt to hide his negative reaction before allowing himself to speak.

"I knew you had an ulterior motive to all of this," Gerard grumbled sullenly, crossing his arms over his chest as he shot Mikey a pointed stare, elbowing Bert harshly in the process, "and I don't want to discuss it."

"I know, and I'm sorry, but I'm really worried about you Gee - we _all_ are. It's obvious that this is messing you up, and we just want to help you," Mikey pleaded, his eyes flickering back in Ray's direction briefly as if searching for backup, which only infuriated Gerard more since he hadn't been aware that Ray knew anything about his relationship with Frank, but he should have expected Mikey to spill personal details of his life to his fuck buddy, _still_ \- that didn't make him any less angry about it.

"I don't see how you can do that," Gerard seethed, "our relationship is illegal, and you three can't change that fact any more than I can."

"You do have a point there, but if you put it in perspective, it isn't like you killed someone or anything horrible like that, and even though I haven't met Frank, I have heard a lot about him from Mikey, and he doesn't sound like someone you just toss aside," Ray spoke up, leaning around Mikey's shoulder so he could look directly at Gerard while he made his point.

Gerard's hands clenched into fists as Ray's words sunk in, because he wanted to believe them, _hell_ \- he had been trying to rationalize his actions with similar reassurances for the past twenty-four hours, and it wasn't as if he had known that Frank was underage when he had decided to pursue him, he hadn't willingly gotten together with a minor, but that didn't pardon him for the fact that he still desired Frank so badly that he ached, that was a sin that Gerard couldn't wash himself clean from, no matter how hard he tried.

"It's still wrong - it still makes me a monster," Gerard choked out, fighting against the sudden rush of tears that were completely eradicating his previously fury, leaving him feeling weak and drained under the caring stares of his supposed friends and family.

"That isn't true Gee," Bert cut in, his arm wrapping around Gerard gently in what was supposed to be a comforting manner, but it only made Gerard feel worse, because he didn't deserve this sort of affection from anyone. He wasn't in the right here, no matter what how hard everyone was trying to twist the situation in his favor.

"But it is, I - I know how old he is and I still want to be with him, that means I am a pedophile," Gerard argued vehemently, his head shaking back and forth as he tried to pull out of Bert's hold weakly.

"Gee - shut up for two seconds and look at me," Mikey commanded, his stern tone startling Gerard enough that he ceased his struggles for the time being, giving Mikey his full attention. "When you first met Frank, why were you initially attracted to him?"

"I - um..." Gerard stammered slightly, caught off guard by the unexpected question. "Well - to start off with, he is gorgeous, but it wasn't just that. He seemed... _interested_ in me I guess, he hung off my every word, he made me feel important, but it is everything about him really. It's like he understands me, or he _did_ , and he never once judged me, or pried into something I didn't want to talk about - he is _perfect_ basically." Gerard snapped his jaw shut quickly after his admission, because talking about Frank in this way only exacerbated the constricting sensation surrounding his heart, and he didn't want to remember the good times right now, not when he wasn't allowed to add to those memories because of a few stupid years separating the two of them.

"Okay good," Mikey nodded, cutting Gerard off just when he was opening his mouth to ask what that had to do with anything, "and do you know what a pedophile would have answered that with? They would have said it was because he was young, because being with a student excites them, that they get off on the illegal nature of the relationship, not any of what you just stated, so don't you fucking call yourself that okay? You didn't know how young Frank was, and you aren't drawn to Frank because of his age, or because you like little boys, so please don't make me slap you," Mikey huffed stubbornly, his eyes flashing with suppressed anger that had Gerard shrinking back against Bert slightly in order to avoid his younger brother's wrath.

"I just - I want to believe what you are saying, but it doesn't change anything. I can't do this to Frank, or to myself. I care about him - I _do_ , but this could ruin the both of us, and I refuse to do that to him..." Gerard stood his ground firmly, because no matter how hard Mikey attempted to change his mind, he couldn't budge on this, no matter how badly he wanted to throw caution to the wind and tell Frank that they could continue on with their illegal relationship.

"Well we have been talking about this, and _yes_ \- we do agree that you shouldn't pursue anything with Frank while he is seventeen, but his birthday is in a few months, so if you can just hold on for a little while longer, you guys can be together," Bert murmured in a soothing tone of voice that he always used when Gerard became agitated, and much to Gerard's chagrin, he was actually calming down, but he wasn't going to let them break his newfound resolve that easily.

"But I will still be his teacher, not to mention that Frank probably won't want me anymore by that point," Gerard protested feebly, having already decided that he would be more than willing to wait for Frank, but he knew that people Frank's age flitted from one person to the next like a bee within a field of flowers, and it would be delusional to assume that Frank wouldn't find someone better in the span of a few weeks, no matter what pretty promises he gave to Gerard.

 _Still_ \- Gerard couldn't help but remember the way Frank had looked yesterday when he had found him in his apartment: his devastated expression, his tear stained face, his barely concealed sobs, his stammered apologies, his pleading for Gerard not to forget about him. Gerard's mind had been doing its best to convince him that it had all been an act, that Frank hadn't been entirely sincere, because no one could truly desire him that badly, it just didn't make sense, especially not someone like Frank.

But what if he _did_ \- what if Frank would be willingly to do whatever it took to keep Gerard in his life, even if they couldn't maintain a normal relationship for the time being. Gerard had been purposely vague when Frank had questioned him on what he wanted now that he knew Frank was seventeen, but it was only just beginning to sink in that he had left Frank with no definite answer. He hadn't truly broken up with him, but he hadn't straight out said that he still desired to be with Frank either, mostly because he himself was torn in half between doing the right thing or being selfish and keeping Frank all to himself.

"That's why you need to talk to him about this, you know - actually discuss with Frank what you want and your plans for the future before you jump to conclusions. You have to remember that Frank is hurting too, and he is probably dying to hear from you, so we think you should call him and explain what is going on in your head at the very least," Mikey continued trying to reason with him, his voice pulling Gerard out of his tumbled thoughts and back into the present.

"I told him that I still cared about him when he was here yesterday," Gerard informed Mikey, because in that at least he had been perfectly clear, but now that he was mulling back over their short encounter, he couldn't deny that Mikey was right in this particular instance.

Gerard had planned on simply ignoring Frank until he could sort out the tangled mess of conflicting emotions that only seemed to writhe away from his prying hands whenever he attempted to smooth them out, but that wasn't fair to him, especially not after Frank had gathered the courage to apologize, to show up at Gerard's place in a desperate bid to rectify the damage that he had caused with his lie, and Gerard had simply sent him away with a kiss and some half assed reassurances. He did intend to speak with him again eventually, if Frank wanted to that is, but right now, everything was still too fresh, and Gerard couldn't trust himself to be in close proximity with the younger man on the off chance that he would end up doing something that he would regret.

"Yeah, and then you have avoided him since right?" Mikey arched one eyebrow knowingly, his persistence quickly wearing Gerard's arguments down with his infallible logic.

"Not _avoided_ \- just kept my distance," Gerard pouted sullenly, "and it has only been two days Mikey."

"Gee - if you want this to work, you will have to keep in contact with him, at least a little bit. Talking to him isn't illegal, and I think it will make this easier on the both of you," Mikey spoke vehemently, earning himself short agreeing statements from both Bert and Ray for his sentiment.

"I want to," Gerard sniffled softly, "but it's so hard to be around him right now," Gerard whimpered under his breath, just the thought of being face to face with Frank again producing a sudden outpouring of longing that rushed throughout his entire body with the force of a tidal wave.

"I understand, and I am not trying to pressure you into anything, so if you want to break things off entirely, that is up to you, but I don't think that is the best idea, so maybe give Frank a call soon?" Mikey ended his tirade, his voice dropping into a soothing murmur at the finale of his sentence, and as much as Gerard wanted to continue being obstinate, he couldn't deny that Mikey was making a hell of a lot of sense, and it wasn't as if Gerard didn't want to contact Frank again, he was just _scared_.

"Yeah...I will, thank you Mikey, this actually helped a bit," Gerard finally gave in, because at the very least, Frank deserved _something_ from Gerard, and although he wasn't sure if he could see him in person just yet, he needed to phone him up and at least ask how he was doing.

Gerard sometimes got so lost in his own mind that he neglected to recall that Frank struggled just as much as he did, and although Gerard didn't know the exact cause of his emotional distress, he knew that Frank was very similar to him in that aspect. Frank needed someone to be there for him, to support him, to hold him when he was on the verge of breaking apart, and Gerard had been that person for the past month or so, he had been the one Frank turned to when he was in search of any form of comfort, but now Gerard had basically abandoned him after a traumatic event, and the guilt from that was almost worse than everything else Gerard had experienced over the past few days combined.

"Anytime Gee," Mikey smiled broadly, his expression mirrored by Ray and Bert as the rigidity in the atmosphere bled away slowly.

"Well now that we have gotten that settled, anyone want to watch a movie?" Ray broke the silence with his suggestion, heading over to the DVD case as soon as he received a nod of affirmation from Mikey.

As Bert and Ray began bickering over what title they wanted to view, Gerard took the opportunity to mull over Mikey's advice for a second time, sending his brother a small smile in the way of a silent thank you that Mikey accepted with a similar expression pulling at the corner of his lips.

Gerard might not enjoy when Mikey did things like this that involved dragging his friends together in an attempt to make Gerard see sense, but even under the intense scrutiny that his mind had put their entire conversation through, he had to admit that Mikey had a point. He was always the first to label himself harshly, but maybe this time he could recover as long as he didn't sleep with Frank again until he was eighteen.

And _honestly_ \- no matter how good the sex was with Frank, that wasn't the only reason Gerard craved him in his life. Frank just had a way of making everything better, of quieting the voices in Gerard's head, of allowing Gerard to believe that he was safe for a short time, of injecting joy into the most minute of situations - _that_ was what Gerard needed right now, and maybe Frank did too.

Gerard was going to call him, he had already had enough trouble resisting that particular urge anyway, and hopefully Frank would be happy to hear from him. Gerard wanted to make this work, he _really_ did, so if he could stop himself from ripping his intentions apart and casting doubt on every one of his decisions, he was truly starting to believe that he and Frank might actually have a chance at some form of friendship at the very least, which was much better than nothing.

And after Frank was eighteen, it wasn't impossible to think that they could pick up where they had left off, but none of that would happen if Gerard didn't speak with Frank soon, so he swore that as soon as his friends left, he would reach out to the younger man so he could apologize for the way he had been behaving over the past few days, and then they would see how things went from there.


	24. Who Knew Phone Tag Could Be So Heartbreaking

Frank wasn't sure how long he stayed curled up in that same spot, but eventually, he knew that his solitary moment had come to an end, as all things must, so with a weary sigh that seemed to come from the bottom of his toes, Frank heaved himself to a standing position, patting the ground fondly in a silent farewell before turning back the way he had come, stretching his stiff legs as much as possible in an effort to arrive home in a somewhat timely manner.

And as much as Frank wasn't looking forward to facing whatever was awaiting for him within the four walls that he now loathed more than he most teenagers should, at least Frank didn't have to worry about work on top of the stress that came with looking after his mother; he had taken the week off from the restaurant in order to acclimate himself to the new school year, or at least, that was the excuse he had fed to his boss who had bought it hook, line, and sinker. Frank hadn't been aware of how badly he would need the mini-vacation until just now, but he was grateful for his unintended foresight, because the added pressure of making it through a shift in his current state would surely have broken him, not that he wasn't borderline destroyed already.

Frank didn't feel on the verge of ruination right now though, _in fact_ , he might almost be able to say that he okay if he was asked; his detour to his and Gerard's place had done wonders for his fragile psyche, and apparently spending a few hours reminiscing over all the good times he and Gerard had shared had been exactly what he needed to revive his weary body for a short time, even his feet felt lighter as he continued onward at a brisk pace.

As Frank walked, he found his mind wandering to the topic involving why he was so emotionally devastated over what had occurred between him and Gerard, and with his newfound semblance of peace still lingering after his stay in the meadow, Frank began to realize that his reaction was decidedly odd when he took a step back and truly looked at their situation with a critical eye.

Gerard was important to Frank - that was a given, but why did he mean so much to him, and how had he managed to slip through Frank's defensives that he rarely let down, and never as quickly as he had done for Gerard. Frank had only known him for a little more than a month, which was a tiny blip of time relatively speaking, but he had somehow become Frank's entire world in the span of four short weeks, which led Frank to ponder how much their bond would have grown if Gerard wasn't Frank's teacher.

Frank had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that he would never be privileged enough to find out though, because Gerard still hadn't contacted him, and _fuck_ \- with every second that passed without some form of reassurance from the older man, Frank was quickly beginning to lose hope in the fact that Gerard might be able to see past his age once the initial shock had worn off.

That didn't mean that Frank was going to stop waiting for him though - _hell_ , Frank would probably hold out for Gerard for the rest of his life if Gerard asked him to, but _still_ \- Frank wasn't sure how much longer he could last without doing something idiotic like confronting Gerard in his classroom. He didn't want to cause a scene, he just wanted some acknowledgment, a wave - _anything_ really, even a simple touch would be enough to keep him going until Gerard decided what would become of them and their illegal relationship.

Frank wondered if he was simply fooling himself into believing that he and Gerard had something special, that maybe he was somehow inflating everything to give his life some sense of purpose that he had been missing ever since his father left. Gerard was his first real boyfriend after all, and even though he had been with numerous people sexually over the course of his short life, they had never captured his interest like Gerard had managed to, which could all be an easily explained product caused by teenage hormones and actually feeling wanted for once.

But _no_ \- there was more to their connection, something besides for physical attraction and a desire for attention that every human possessed, there was an emotion there that was even more intense than anything Frank had ever experienced before. Frank wasn't sure if he believed in soul mates, or true love, but if he did, he would have labeled Gerard as one of the aforementioned without a doubt, because this wasn't some high school romance, or a passing fling that Frank would forget about a few years down the line, Frank was convinced of that, and even though he wasn't sure how he knew, Frank wasn't going to fight against the conclusion that he had reached soon after meeting Gerard. 

He needed Gerard, that much was certain, even if it was only as a friend for now, but this radio silence was killing him faster than the deadliest poison slipped into his drink ever could, so Frank either had to find a way to dull the agony he was constantly plagued with, or he had to convince Gerard to give him another chance as soon as possible.

Imbued with a new sense of hope that was lacking in any form of a true foundation, and _really_ , its random appearance was a mystery in and of itself, Frank pulled out his phone quickly, dialing Gerard's number as a soft grin tugged at the corner of his lips. He had no reason to believe that Gerard would pick up this time, he hadn't done so any of the times before after all, but Frank wasn't going to question the sudden rush of positivity that he was currently experiencing, in fact, he soaked in every ounce of it that he could get gratefully as he brought the device up to his ear.

But as Frank should have expected, but for some idiotic reason, he hadn't, the call went straight to voicemail after three rings, leaving Frank shell shocked and shattered as he gazed down at the screen as if the device could provide him with some guidance involving what the fuck he was supposed to do now.

But when no answering call came in, no text - _nothing_ , Frank felt all of his earlier jubilation draining out of him with a rapidness that left him reeling and woozy, even though it was really his own fault for investing so much faith in something which such a small success rate. Frank should have known better than to assume that just because he was starting to heal slightly that it didn't mean that Gerard had come to terms with Frank's deception just yet, so he only had himself to blame for jumping to conclusions in the first place.

 _Still_ \- the ignored phone call hurt more than Frank had thought that it would, and now it seemed as if the minute progress he had made earlier was nonexistent. If anything, Frank was just as upset as he had been when he had walked into his classroom to find Gerard waiting for him - maybe even more so now that the initial shock had worn off and Frank was beginning to truly come to terms with the fact that no matter how strongly he felt toward Gerard, he obviously didn't feel the same way.

A sudden rush of anger slithered through Frank's bloodstream along with the pain that had become customary to him; Frank was _furious_ , not necessarily at Gerard, or even at himself, just this entire situation. It wasn't fair - not that anything in his life ever was, but just this once, was it too much for Frank to ask for a happy ending?

Apparently so, because Gerard didn't respond to Frank's call the entire way home, or while he was making his mother dinner, or even when he was cleaning up the kitchen. With each passing second, Frank found himself getting more and more wound up, his skin began to feel too tight, and he knew he had to release this tension somehow before it consumed him entirely.

Frank tried to speak with his mother again, using his previous story about a girl that he was interested in as a basis, providing a bit more detail in the hopes of invoking some sort of response out of her, but although she was in a better mood than yesterday, her attention span was decidedly lacking, and when Frank continued to prod her for some sort of advice, she had simply told him that _'she trusted him, and whatever he decided to do would work out for the best one way or the other'_.

Frank didn't appreciate the sweet sentiment though, because it didn't make him feel any better; he wanted someone to listen to him, to actually hear his words without brushing them off, to care, to try and help him out of this mess without blaming him for getting into it in the first place, just like Gerard would have done if Frank could still turn to him whenever he needed any form of reassurance.

Frank briefly considered heading down to his favorite bar, because Brendon was always willing to listen to his problems without passing judgment, but Frank was still suffering from the aftereffects of his hangover caused by last night's binge drinking session, even though the headache and weak stomach that had been plaguing him all day had finally begun to lessen slightly - _still_ , more alcohol wasn't what he was looking for right now, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to spill his troubles to Brendon after his last visit in which he had done nothing besides for brag about how perfect Gerard was.

Finally, Frank ended up calling Pete, not that he was his last resort in most things, but Frank knew how Pete would react to hearing Frank's tale, and his sort of comfort wasn't what Frank was searching for right now. Pete would want to hear the entire story, forcing Frank to relive the events once more through his words, he wouldn't allow Frank to ramble, and cry, and simply expel his emotions like he needed to, he would want to view the situation with a logical eye, which would inevitably bring him to the conclusion that Frank should leave Gerard before he got hurt any more than he already was, which wasn't what Frank wanted to hear, but he was out of options by this point, and it was too late now, because the phone had already clicked quietly, alerting Frank to the fact that Pete had picked up.

"Hey Frank, what's up?" Pete's cheerful voice came over the line, inspiring Frank to move away from his mother's room so she wouldn't hear his end of the conversation. She had chosen to call it a day earlier than she typically did, and even though Frank was slightly worried about what had caused her exhaustion that she had carried plainly on her shoulders for the entire evening, it also meant that he was free to do whatever he wanted for the rest of the night, so he pushed his misgivings aside for now, focusing on his best friend's words instead.

"Nothing really," Frank lied, even though Pete would find out the truth soon enough. "Would it be okay if I came over for a bit?" Frank asked, because although it wasn't that late, the sun was still up at least, Frank knew Pete's parents had certain restrictions about him having company over on a school night, even though they sometimes bent the rules when Frank was involved.

"Yeah that should be okay," Pete responded excitedly, "Mom and Dad went out on some sort of date thing, but I doubt they would mind."

"Okay, I'll be there soon."

"Is everything okay?" Pete asked before Frank could hang up, leaving him trapped with the phone held at an awkward angle as he tried to decide if he should pretend that he hadn't heard Pete's query or not.

"Uh..." Frank stammered out when too much time had passed for him to fake ignorance, "not really, but I'll explain more in person."

Frank quickly ended the call before Pete had a chance to pry any further, stealthily escaping out the front door after slipping on his shoes, grabbing his mother's keys on the way since he didn't feel up for any more walking today, and within minutes, Frank was pulling out of the driveway, turning the wheel in the direction of Pete's place as he purposely kept his mind as blank as possible, not wanting to show up on Pete's doorstep on the verge of breaking down in tears, and the only way to ensure that was to avoid any and all thoughts of Gerard, which was easier said than done.

~~~

Frank managed to keep his composure as he followed Pete into his room after being engulfed by his friend's traditional hug that is, the contact actually calming Frank's earlier agitation to the point that Frank found himself nuzzling against Pete's chest, losing himself in the feeling of being held by someone else for a few short moments, even if he would much rather prefer having Gerard's arms wrapped around his small frame, but he would take any sort of affectionate that he could get right now.

Much to Frank's surprise, Pete hadn't immediately attacked him with questions involving what was bothering him, instead, he allowed Frank to shuffle around his room aimlessly, his hands brushing over Pete's numerous CD's and movies, putting off the inevitable explanation he knew he owed his friend for as long as possible, although a part of him was bursting at the seams to finally tell someone everything that had occurred over the past two days.

"Come here Frank, you are making me dizzy with your pacing," Pete finally spoke up after a few minutes, snapping Frank's head up in the process, and it was only then that he realized that he had indeed been wearing a path into Pete's carpet without being aware of it, leaving an obvious line in-between his desk and his bookshelf which had been Frank's starting and ending points for his impromptu wandering.

Kicking off his shoes hastily, Frank let his body go limp as Pete latched onto his wrist, dragging Frank down onto the mattress next to him with a slight tug. Frank immediately burrowed into the plush comforter, dragging the blanket up over his shoulders as if it was a shield that could protect him from everything that was hurting him, although his wounds had already been inflicted, and no amount of armor would help them heal by this point.

"I -" Frank halted as soon as he began, knowing that he had to start somewhere, but not quite sure how to do that without losing his tenuous grip on his unruly emotions, his throat swelling up as Pete gazed down at him with concerned eyes, his fingers grazing over the skin of Frank's arm gently as Frank heaved in a sudden rush of air. "I fucked up Pete," Frank finally settled on saying, his lids squeezing shut as his head fell backward, landing on the nearby pillow with a soft thump. "Gerard found out my real age."

"Shit..." Pete exhaled heavily, his grip on Frank tightening slightly before he forced himself to relax. "How did he take it?"

"Not too badly considering the way it happened," Frank chuckled weakly, finding humor in his own pain for a brief moment.

"Which was?" Pete prodded gently, shifting their position so Frank was now pressed up against Pete's side, his familiar heat pulling Frank away from the edge of the tears for a few more seconds.

"He's my music theory teacher," Frank answered bluntly, his voice emitting cold and dead as he spoke, his teeth digging into his lower lip as he waited for what Pete was going to say next.

"Oh fuck - you have to be kidding... _right_?" Pete gasped, his shocked expression melting into one of pity as Frank shook his head weakly. "Frank...that's like - _seriously_ messed up."

"Don't you think I know that?" Frank whimpered softly, even though he had no problem with Gerard's age, or his occupation, even though he understood why Pete did, but he didn't have the energy to expend arguing the semantics of it with Pete, he wouldn't agree with Frank no matter how much conviction he put behind his sentiments.

"So what happened after that?" Pete asked in a whisper, his expression border-lining on comical as he attempted to contain himself until Frank was finished with his story.

"I - I tried to talk to him after class, but he yelled at me, told me to leave him alone, but I just couldn't do that, so I went to his apartment. We spoke for a bit once he got home, but I - _fuck_ Pete, he's been ignoring me ever since, and I know our relationship is illegal, but _still_ \- I can't lose him, not like this. I just want to understand what's going on in his head, to make sure that he is okay, to be his friend if nothing else, but it seems like he is debating on whether or not to wash his hands of me, and the waiting is killing me...I think I'm going insane."

Frank's strength broke after his expulsion of words, and before he could stop himself, he was sobbing into Pete's t-shirt, his hands digging into the fabric he had draped around him as he cried loudly, Pete's hushed murmurs becoming lost among his ugly tears, but he did feel the pressure of Pete's hand on his spine pulling him closer to his friend, rubbing gently in a soothing way as Frank bit the inside of his mouth roughly, using the physical pain to stifle his sorrows the best that he could.

"Don't cry Frank, it's going to be alright," Pete begged quietly, his tone emitting in a slightly gruff fashion, leading Frank to believe that his own emotional display was affecting Pete more than he had previously thought it would. "I hate seeing you like this, I wish I could make it so that you would never be hurt again."

And even though Frank would usually brush off Pete's kindness, stating that he would be fine eventually, he couldn't do that this time, because he honestly wasn't sure if he would. Gerard had changed his entire life, and he shuddered at the thought of going back to a world in which Gerard held no part in it, it was an unfeasible task now anyway.

"I just - _fuck_ ," Frank stuttered, a second round of tears causing his sentence to emit in a garbled fashion as he forced himself to speak through them. "I feel like I'm dying without him, and I know that's unhealthy, and overdramatic, but it's the truth. Everything hurts, it's as if I'm being ripped in half over and over again, and just when I finally find the energy to start stitching myself up, I somehow manage to rip out the thread and make everything worse than it was before."

"It's normal to be upset Frank, I mean...he was your first boyfriend, and having a fallout with that person is never easy, but think of it this way...he was going to discover the fact that you are seventeen sooner or later, and it least it happened now before you got even more attached. I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment, but you will move on from this."

Frank groaned under his breath once Pete's speech was finished, because this was exactly the type of advice that he didn't want to hear right now. He knew that Pete thought he was being helpful, but he didn't understand how much Gerard meant to him, so he wasn't able to fully comprehend the magnitude of Frank's heartache.

"I don't think I will," Frank protested stubbornly, pushing himself away from Pete slightly so he could fix him with a serious look as he spoke. "Gerard is special to me, and I - I think I might be falling in love with him," Frank admitted, surprising himself with his honesty, because he hadn't been intending to reveal that fact just yet, _actually_ \- he wasn't entirely sure if what he was experiencing was the beginnings of love or not, but once his statement hit the open air, Frank knew it was the truth, it was the only explanation for why he was so affected by all of this.

"Are...are you sure?" Frank could physically see Pete attempting to hold back the _'I told you so'_ that was residing at the tip of his tongue but much to his surprise, Pete didn't glorify in the fact that he had been right all along, in fact, he looked just as upset as Frank felt at the moment.

"Yeah...I am, I mean - I'm not _in love_ with him yet, but I really think I could be soon, and I know you told me that this would happen, and I should have listened to you from the start, but I can't stay away from Gerard, he is worth all of this pain - he's worth _everything_ , but I can't handle not knowing how he feels about me, or if he is ever going to talk to me again, and I just need someone to agree with me right now, believe me - I am aware of how much of an idiot I have been, so I don't need to hear it too.

"I wasn't going to say that," Pete huffed, but Frank didn't miss the slightly guilty expression that crossed over his face momentarily, "but you are right, you don't need to listen to me pretending to know shit about you two, because I don't, and _hey_ \- maybe Gerard isn't purposely shutting you out, and I'm sure he cares for you a hell of a lot too, so please don't cry." Pete whimpered as Frank began shuddering violently, his damp cheeks receiving another layer of moisture as Pete's words had the opposite effect that he had intended them to have.

"I can't seem to stop," Frank hiccupped, all of his earlier tension bleeding out of him in the form of tears, leaving him exhausted and aching as Pete began to rock him gently. "I know we can't really be together as long as he is my teacher, but... _fucking hell_ \- I hate this so much."

"I know Frankie...I'm so sorry," Pete muttered solemnly, his repetitive motions lulling Frank more than Frank had expected them too. "I'm here for you, and I'll do whatever I can to help you feel better, just let me know." Pete punctuated his words with a light kiss to Frank's forehead, the usually affectionate gesture causing Frank to gasp aloud once he felt Pete's lips against his overheated skin, the simple touch resonating differently within him than it usually did.

"I just want the pain to stop...just for a little while," Frank sighed heavily, debating on if he should just ignore his upset stomach and drink himself into oblivion anyway, despite the fact that he knew he would get sick soon after. His only other option for burying his problems had always involved sex after all...

Almost before the thought had fully sunk in, Frank found himself lunging for Pete's mouth, his eyes finally drying up as he their torsos collided heavily, the sensation of having someone else's body so close to his own leaving Frank aching for more, because although Pete wasn't Gerard, he also didn't remind Frank of Gerard in any way like he was sure a random hookup would do, but Pete was just _Pete_ : his best friend, his fuck buddy, and he needed physical contact right now more than he ever had before.

"Frank - wait," Pete heaved out, pulling himself away from Frank forcibly as he spoke, derailing Frank's plans entirely, and much to his chagrin, Frank found himself on the verge of tears again, because Pete wasn't supposed to question this, he never had in the past, but Frank had also never been taken during the activities either, even though he was almost entirely convinced that Gerard didn't consider the two of them together any longer.

" _Please_ \- I need this," Frank all but begged, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he quickly ripped his shirt off, suddenly feeling entirely too hot in the small room even though he had been comfortable not two minutes ago.

"But... _Gerard_ \- I mean, this might not be the best idea. You are really torn up over this whole thing, and I think that you should -"

"I swear to god Pete if you don't fuck me right now, I am going to find someone else that will," Frank growled, cutting Pete off midsentence with his aggressive statement, and even though his threat was an empty one - he most likely would curl up with a bottle of vodka instead if Pete really didn't want to do this - much to Frank's relief, Pete gave in easily, rapidly throwing off his clothes before pinning Frank down against the bed, his lips immediately latching onto Frank's neck as Frank moaned happily.

"Yeah - _fuck_ Pete," Frank heaved out, his hands tangling in Pete's dark hair as his mind finally shut down for a short time, his brain now otherwise occupied with how fucking good it felt when Pete scrapped his teeth over Frank's sensitive skin.

"I've missed this," Pete murmured against Frank's shoulder blade while tugging down Frank's pants, his movements hurried and choppy as if he couldn't wait another second to get Frank naked. Frank simply gasped in reply, and _really_ \- it had been quite some time since they had done anything sexual with each other, but Frank had been too caught up with Gerard to think about it until just now.

And although Frank had expected to instantly become overwhelmed with guilt caused by what he was doing, because even if Gerard didn't classify them a couple anymore, Frank did, but once Pete began inching two fingers inside of him, Frank could think of nothing else besides for the delicious sensation of being so filled, or the bursts of pleasure that were shooting up his spine as Pete's scissored his digits widely.

Frank knew that hiding his problems this way was wrong, and although he might feel better at the moment, he would most likely regret everything in the morning, but _still_ \- he was too lost in the ecstasy he was experiencing to stop now, and he didn't want the ache in his heart to return just yet, so Frank shoved his misgivings to the back of mind as he bounced on Pete's hand greedily.

"I'm ready - come on," Frank demanded, his eyes rolling up in the back of his head as Pete sucked on his nipples heavily, his slick fingers buried to the second knuckle as he nipped at the raised buds avidly.

"Yeah - _fuck_ ," Pete nodded eagerly, somehow managing to seem even more desperate than Frank, imbuing Frank with that sense of being wanted that he hadn't experienced since he had been with Gerard, and even though that hadn't been long ago at all, it might have well as been eons to Frank since he had last felt Gerard's naked skin against his.

And once Pete was fully inside of Frank, his hard length twitching as Frank cried out at the sudden stretch, Frank forgot about his current heartache, _in_ _fact_ \- he ceased to think of Gerard entirely, drowning his pain in Pete's movements that were hitting just the right spot, leaving Frank shaky and breathless with pleasure instead of tears for the first time in far too long.

~~~

It took Gerard an embarrassingly long amount of time to work up the courage to call Frank after his discussion with his friends, involving Gerard simply staring down at Frank's contact name more often than not, trying to decide if he was really ready to do this, and what he was going to say if he was.

It wasn't as if Gerard didn't want to talk to Frank - _in fact_ , he was dying to, but he was terrified of what that conversation would involve, and he didn't trust himself to hold true to his earlier decision to take things slowly between them once he had heard Frank's voice.

 _Still_ \- Gerard had promised Mikey that he would do this, and although he had long ago retreated to his room for some semblance of privacy when - _if_ the conversation between he and Frank ever occurred, he could still feel Mikey's eyes on him like they had been for most of the night, so before he could rethinking this any more than he already had, he pressed send, his hands physically trembling as he held in breath in anticipation.

But when four rings had passed, followed by the monotone voice asking Gerard to leave a message after the beep - Frank had never gotten around to setting up his own greeting apparently, Gerard could barely comprehend what had happened, even though it was obvious. Frank hadn't picked up, that much was clear, but Gerard didn't want to accept that, not after it had taken him so long to talk himself into making the call in the first place.

Maybe Frank was just busy, and he would phone back at any moment, but _still_ \- Gerard knew Frank didn't work this week, he had informed him of that before Frank's secret regarding his age had been revealed, and it was much too early for Frank to have gone to bed being that it was barely nine in the evening.

Gerard knew it was ridiculous to expect Frank to always pick up on the first try, but he had always done so before, even when Gerard phoned him up at three in the morning once, and Gerard found himself wondering if Frank was giving him a taste of his own medicine.

Gerard deserved that if that was truly what Frank was doing after all of the calls from Frank he had ignored, the most recent being from this afternoon, but Gerard couldn't imagine Frank restoring to those methods. He wasn't a spiteful person, not in the least, but it was possible that Gerard's radio silence had pushed him into acting outside of his normal behavior, even though Gerard truly hoped that wasn't the case, because that would mean that Gerard had wounded Frank much deeper than he had originally thought.

Gerard hadn't meant to hurt Frank, even though it was obvious that he had, but _still_ \- he was the one who had been lied to, he was the one who could potentially get arrested if he did decide to give Frank another chance, so he felt entitled to taking a few days to work through the mess he had found himself in.

Once fifteen minutes had passed with still no response from Frank, Gerard threw his phone roughly, expelling some of his frustration when the device hit a nearby lamp, sending it toppling to the floor with a loud thump that somehow soothed his anger momentarily. The sound had apparently caught Mikey's attention though, because not thirty seconds later, he poked his head into Gerard's bedroom, sending him a quizzical look before his gaze fell to the fallen shade.

"So...I'm assuming your talk wasn't a good one?" Mikey asked warily, pushing the door open a little wider so he now had a clear view of Gerard who was currently curled up on top of his sheets dejectedly.

"He didn't pick up," Gerard scoffed coldly, transferring some of his fury onto Mikey, he had been the one to suggest this stupid endeavor in the first place after all.

"Gee...he's probably just caught up with something, and I'm sure he'll call you back as soon as he can."

"Whatever...I don't care," Gerard huffed, doing his best to ignore the tears pricking at the corner of his eyelids. "I'm going to bed anyway."

"Okay...I'm about to head over to Ray's in the next few minutes, but please phone me if you need anything."

"I will," Gerard responded wearily, flipping his body over so his back was facing Mikey until the sound of his retreating footsteps faded away entirely.

And even though Gerard knew he was acting ridiculous, and he had no right to be so upset over what was most likely nothing, applying logic to this situation wasn't making his heart ache any less, so Gerard resigned himself to another night spent sobbing into his pillow until exhaustion overtook him completely, which was all he seemed to be doing lately, and unless he and Frank reached some sort of understanding soon, he would probably continue to follow this routine for quite some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am looking forward to the reactions on this chapter, but don't hate Pete too much, no one can resist Frank.
> 
> Also, I think I have the next part of the story fully planned out now, so that means that updates might come quicker if I can find the time to write, but as always, no promises.
> 
> Hopefully you enjoyed <3


	25. Bereft And Guilt-Ridden

As soon as Frank snapped back into consciousness, courtesy of his phone alarm which he was quickly growing to despise, he was hit with the painful realization of how badly he had fucked up.

It was early still, Frank had purposely made sure he would awaken with enough time to return his mother's car before she realized that he was gone, having chosen to spend the night at Pete's place after his emotional breakdown which had ended in sex, but Frank regretted that decision now - _fuck_ , he regretted _everything_.

Pete was still fast asleep, the harsh ringing hadn't fazed him at all, for which Frank was thankful for. He didn't think he could face his best friend right now, even the simple pressure of his arm which was lightly lying over Frank's stomach had his skin crawling with disgust, and not because of Pete, he hadn't done anything wrong - _no_ , Frank was the guilty party here, and once again, he had managed to ruin any chance that remained of reconciling with Gerard all because of a pointless fuck.

Moving as little as possible in an attempt to make sure that Pete didn't stir, Frank slipped off of the mattress, needing to get as far away from his friend as possible, his knees shaking and his insides burning as the weight of his impromptu actions crashed down around his already overburdened shoulders.

Feeling suddenly nauseous, Frank swallowed thickly, begging his body not to get sick all over Pete's carpet, but it didn't seem to want to comply. He was overcome with a sudden wave of heat, his throat filling with bile as he allowed himself to curl up on the floor, his hands clutching at his middle weakly as he did his best not to throw up or cry like he so desperately needed to.

Frank deserved to suffer this way though, he _welcomed_ it even, because he had to pay for his mistakes, and if this was the universe's way of telling Frank that he was the world's biggest idiot, than he was receiving the message loud and clear.

Frank didn't know why he had slept with Pete, or what inspired him to think that it would be a good idea, because it _wasn't_ \- it very well might have been the worst thing he had ever done, and if he could go back in time, he would slap his former self so hard he would be seeing stars for days, but he was stuck in the present, which meant he was also unable to escape the shame and regret that was quickly suffocating him.

Frank cursed his weakness that had made him search out physical affection in the hopes of easing his pain, because no matter how much better he had felt in the moment, it wasn't worth this agony - _nothing_ was, but worst of all, he had betrayed Gerard, because they were still technically together, and Frank had shredded his trust into a thousand tiny pieces, not only with his lie about being nineteen, but now with this unforgivable sin.

Gerard would hate him as soon as he found out, it was inevitable. Frank had personally witnessed how badly he had reacted to Frank's earlier deception regarding Frank's age, but what he had done last night had shrunken that falsity down to the size of a candle compared to a roaring bonfire.

And _really_ \- Frank accepted the fact that Gerard would despise him once his infidelity became know, because actions had consequences, and he was ready to deal with his no matter how horrendous they were, but what he couldn't live with was the fact that this would hurt Gerard, which seemed to be Frank's specialty lately.

Frank couldn't believe that none of this had crossed his mind last night before he all but threw himself at Pete, and he had no convenient excuse like excessive drunkenness to explain away some of his poor decision making, not that it would have made his actions any more forgivable, but _still_ \- if he had been wasted, Frank might feel the slightest bit better about what he had done.

But the fact of the matter was that Frank hadn't been inebriated, not in the slightest, he had just been desperate, and hurting, and acting like the slut he never truly wanted to admit it himself that he was, but now he had proven to everyone that he was indeed incapable of dealing with his emotions in a healthy way, not that he wasn't aware of this before.

He had promised Gerard though - he had _sworn_ that he would wait for him, and now barely two days later, he was in bed with another man doing his best to pretend that Gerard didn't exist in his selfish field of vision. Gerard was already struggling with the decision of trusting Frank again after his initial deception, but now Frank had broken down any and all hope of that ever happening again, because Gerard wouldn't be able to move past this - at least, Frank didn't think he would, and even if he somehow did, he _shouldn't_ \- god knows Frank would only do something else to wound him further down the line if he was given a second chance.

Bitter tears fueled by an overwhelming wave of self-loathing erupted behind Frank's shut lids, but he couldn't shed them - not _here_ , not with Pete slumbering peaceful two feet away and his parents in the house as well. Needing to escape before he lost the last shreds of his composure, Frank forced his body to unfurl from the small ball he had tucked himself into, hurriedly shoving on his shoes before sneaking downstairs and out the door, thankfully making it all the way to his car without being noticed.

Once Frank was safely secured within the metal body of his vehicle, he dug his phone out of his pocket, intending to check the time, but instead, he was greeted with a notification that caused his heart to seize in his chest and his hands to shake erratically.

Gerard had called him - Gerard had fucking _called_ him and Frank hadn't heard, either because he had been asleep, or because he had been lost in Pete's body, Frank couldn't remember when exactly any of the events of last night had occurred. Frank almost laughed at the extreme irony that had done this to him, but what was supposed to be a humorous sound quickly morphed into an ugly sob that seemed to rip its way out of the bottom of Frank's ribcage.

As Frank continued to cry harshly, he swore he could feel the path his tears were taking as they left his body, but instead of being formed of excess water, they were based in acid, searing his insides as they traveled out of his eyes, burning his internal organs on the way, leaving Frank hunched over the steering wheel with his face in his hands, his shoulders pulling downward in a futile attempt at protecting himself from the internal pain he was in, even though he knew there was no defense against this.

Frank wondered what Gerard would have said if Frank had picked up; maybe they would have worked something out, maybe he was going to tell Frank that he wanted him back, or maybe it was the breakup that Frank had been expecting for the past few days and Gerard had simply been going to drive in the final nail on the coffin that contained their short relationship.

Acting on sheer desperation, Frank hit redial with a trembling finger, begging to anyone that would listen that Gerard would somehow be awake and that he would chose to answer. Frank was clueless over what he would say if he did - in fact, he would probably start crying even harder the second he heard Gerard's voice, but that didn't matter, because the call quickly went to voicemail anyway, leaving Frank alone to try and stifle his sobs on his own.

A few minutes passed before Frank managed to lift his aching neck out of its cramped position, wiping his eyes harshly before stubbornly shoving his keys into the ignition. As much as he wanted to spend the entire day drowning in self-pity, he had other responsibilities, and he couldn't ignore his mother, or school, so with a deep grimace marring his features, Frank managed to hold himself together for long enough to back out of Pete's driveway and make his way down the empty streets at a slow speed.

Frank's stomach churned with guilt the entire way home, the fact that he would have to see Gerard today intensifying the suffocating feeling until Frank honestly thought he might have to pull over in order to empty his stomach of its contents. How was he going to be able to look Gerard in the eye without breaking down in sobs, how could he make it through an entire hour in such close proximity with the man he might be beginning to love, but who he had also thrown aside last night like he meant nothing at all to him?

Frank didn't know what he was feeling anymore, maybe he had simply inflated his feelings for Gerard in a desperate bid to pretend that he could still feel something positive, or maybe he really did care that intensely for him, but if that were so, how could he have slept with Pete so easily?

None of this made sense to Frank anymore, he wasn't conditioned for these extreme amounts of emotional turmoil, but Gerard had unearthed a plethora of both good and bad sensations with his presence, and Frank couldn't discover how to return to the uncaring person he had been not too long ago.

As Frank pulled to a stop in front of his home, the breaking light of dawn casting a glow of warmth about the building that contained anything but, Frank concluded that he had to tell Gerard what he had done. Gerard had been lied to enough by him, and even if revealing his tryst with Pete destroyed any chance Frank had of winning Gerard back, it was something that needed to be done. Gerard deserved the truth, and Frank was going to give it to him, no matter how much the thought of voicing his infidelities aloud pained him.

~~~

Gerard chewed on his pen idly as the clock behind him ticked loudly, what was supposed to be a soft cadence was resonating harshly in his ears, stiffening his already locked up muscles to the point in which they were two seconds away from seizing up, but no matter how often Gerard tried to relax, he _couldn't_ \- not with Frank seated in this lesson.

Gerard had been upset last night when Frank hadn't answered his call, but now that anger had become muted, dampened down by a night of tears and a few hours of sleep. Gerard didn't blame Frank for not picking up, and it helped that he woke up to a notification telling him that Frank had tried to reach him earlier that morning, but Gerard had already been late for work, so he had chosen not to ring him up just yet, knowing he would never make it to the high school if he got involved in a conversation with the younger man.

Gerard was considering holding Frank after class let out today, and not only so they could discuss what he had originally wanted to yesterday, but because Frank looked _awful_ , and Gerard couldn't deny the fact that his heart had stuttered in his chest when Frank had walked past his desk with his head down and obvious tear tracks streaking his face.

Gerard had been spending entirely too much time trying to decipher the cause of Frank's sorrow, ignoring the rest of his students as they struggled through the worksheet he had handed out to them. Was it simply remnants of his sorrow from the fallout between the two of them - _no_ , Gerard didn't think so. Whatever had happened to Frank seemed fresh, and it was obviously still tearing him apart, leading Gerard to believe that his misery had another source. Maybe it had something to do with his home life, or bullies, or maybe it wasn't, but Gerard liked those options more than the alternative, because he didn't want to find out that he had been the one who had placed such a desolate expression on Frank's face.

Gerard was well aware that it was idiotic of him to try and speak with Frank on school grounds, even if this was the last period of the day, but he knew he wouldn't be able to resist this time. His initial decision to ignore Frank was already proving much too trying for him to follow through with, and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he let Frank leave thinking that Gerard didn't care about his distress, because he did - _hell_ , he probably always would, no matter what happened.

The bell announcing the students freedom chimed suddenly, startling Gerard out of his silent contemplation, but Frank seemed even more unaware than Gerard was of the passing minutes if the way he physically jumped meant anything at all, and although there was a large amount of distance separating their two desks, Gerard swore that Frank looked completely petrified, making Gerard lean toward his earlier hypothesis that maybe some classmates had threatened him with a beating after school - god knows Gerard had suffered through enough of those in his teenage years.

"Your homework is due on Friday," Gerard called out after the mass horde of escaping bodies, not entirely caring if they had heard him or not. "If you get stuck, you can stop by and see me after school tomorrow, I'll be here until five."

Frank didn't join the exodus, choosing instead to huddle down in his seat with the sleeves of his white shirt pulled over his hands, making Gerard's plan of talking with him alone that much easier. No one even noticed the fact that Frank had stayed behind, so as soon as the last straggler was out of the room, Gerard stood up swiftly, locking the door and making sure the poster covering the window was still firmly in place before turning around to face the younger man.

"Frankie?" Gerard spoke softly when Frank showed no sign of movement, even after Gerard began to head in his direction, hoping that the pet name would soothe the obviously distressed boy slightly, but apparently it had the opposite effect. Frank's face literally fell as Gerard's words floated across the room, his eyes welded up with tears, and now that Gerard was closer to him, he noticed that Frank was visibly trembling.

All of Gerard's doubts and wariness involving opening himself back up to Frank disappeared in that moment when Gerard realized how close to breaking Frank truly was, and although Gerard still wasn't sure what he wanted to do regarding Frank's age, or even where they stood, he couldn't stand by and let Frank suffer alone, it was physically paining him to witness it, but he was sure that was nothing compared to the agony Frank was experiencing.

Gerard was actually slightly afraid to discover what had Frank on the verge of tears, because Frank was strong, and _yes_ \- Gerard had seen him cry before, but this was different somehow. Frank looked _shattered_ , emotional bruised and beaten down until there was hardly anything left of the Frank he adored, and all Gerard wanted to do was to hold him in his arms and promise him that everything was going to be okay, but he settled for sliding his body into the seat adjacent to Frank, placing one hand on his quivering shoulder in what was supposed to be a comforting gesture.

"Don't touch me - _please_ ," Frank spoke for the first time, his voice cracking heavily halfway through his sentence as he pulled away from Gerard reluctantly. "I don't deserve it."

"What do you mean?" Gerard asked warily, flexing his fingers which seemed to be tingling just from the small amount of contact they had received, highlighting how much he had truly missed being able to be close to Frank whenever he wanted. "Are you okay?"

"No..." Frank sniffled softly, his eyes darting around wildly as if he were looking for a way out. "Fuck Gerard - I'm so sorry, I never meant to... _oh god_." Frank's spiral of nonsense was cut off by a quiet whimper, his adam's apple working up and down as he tried to swallow back the tears that were obviously threatening to overwhelm him.

"Oh sugar," Gerard murmured, the endearment slipping out before he could stop it, an answering sting resonating at the corners of his eyes as a single tear slipped down Frank's cheek, the droplet of salt water dragging over the lips that Gerard ached to feel pressed against his own just one more time. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"I - I have to," Frank stuttered out, his words emerging in an almost indecipherable fashion as he continued to fight against the urge to sob.

"Did someone hurt you?" Gerard questioned sharply, worry clipping his tone into a harsher cadence than he meant for it to have, but he couldn't help himself. Frank's hysterics were terrifying him, and the only thing he could think of that would be at the root of this that didn't have to do with him was that he was experiencing some form of abuse.

"No...it was me, I did something bad."

" _Fuck_ \- did you hurt yourself?" Gerard gasped, heaving out a sigh of relief when Frank shook his head no. Gerard should have known that Frank wouldn't resort to such coping methods, he wasn't like Gerard, which was a very good thing.

Unable to handle seeing Frank so upset without at least trying to help him, Gerard gave in to his unconscious desires and wrapped his arms around Frank, rocking the distraught boy slowly as his whispered whatever calming words popped into his head, some of the heaviness that had been surrounding his chest since Monday evaporating as Frank leaned into his chest instead of flinching away, a few more tears falling against Gerard's button up shirt as Frank exhaled deeply as if gathering himself for a never ending plunge into an imaginary abyss.

"I - Gerard...I slept with someone else," Frank spat out suddenly, the cries he had been struggling to contain breaking free as soon as the words left his lips, leaving Frank shaking under their assault as he burrowed deeper into Gerard's touch, clutching tightly to the older man as he sputtered and hiccupped loudly.

"Oh..." Gerard didn't know what else to say, because despite his numerous assumptions, that hadn't factored into any of his musings.

"I'm so sorry...I just had to tell you, I can't - I feel so awful," Frank rambled quietly, his sentiments muffled by the fabric that was covering his mouth, but Gerard wasn't really listening anymore, he was too lost in his own head at the moment.

Gerard kept Frank trapped in his embrace as he tried to sift through his thoughts, and although he was hurt by Frank's actions, he wasn't going to try and pretend that the thought of Frank underneath another man didn't release bolts of agony throughout his lymph nodes, he wasn't as upset as he thought he would be. Maybe he was just numb after everything he had been put through this past week, but _really_ \- Gerard simply found it impossible to be furious with Frank while he cried against him like the world was ending, even though their story very well might be.

"You're okay though right?" Gerard found himself asking, needing to make sure that Frank's misery wasn't caused by anything his partner may have done to him.

"I guess - _technically_ yes, even though I hate myself for what I did. I wasn't thinking, and I know that doesn't matter at all. I still fucked up, that's all I seem to do lately. I'm not even sure why I did it, he's just a friend, nothing more, but I was so upset, and I...I don't - I just wish I could take it all back."

Gerard couldn't deny that hearing Frank say that this other person wasn't a potential love interest was a relief, because it _was_ , but the fact of the matter was that Frank had still been unfaithful, and that stung, but it seemed that Frank was even more bothered by his actions than Gerard was. Maybe it was the way that Frank was so obviously regretful of what he had done, or maybe Gerard simply cared for Frank so much that he was willing to look past his infidelity, but whatever the case was, Gerard categorized this transgression much lower compared to Frank's original lie.

A figurative lightbulb went off in Gerard's head at his last thought, because that was the root of this - _lies_. He had been furious with Frank over his initial deception, even if it hadn't been made with ill intentions, and although most people would rather be deceived in other things than cheated on, Gerard hated falsities with a burning passion, and the fact that Frank had immediately come clean about this was why he wasn't shaking with rage.

Maybe Gerard could trust Frank after all, he had no reason to tell Gerard what had transpired last night, he simply could have kept quiet about the entire thing - _hell_ , they were barely even in a relationship right now given Gerard's ignorance of Frank and his status as his teacher, so Frank could have easily made the argument that they weren't truly together, but he _hadn't_. He had poured his heart out to Gerard and left it bleeding at his feet, giving Gerard the option to pick it back up and place it in Frank's chest or to stomp on it as he saw fit, and Gerard didn't even need to spend time debating which path he was going to take.

"I'm not upset you with Frank, I promise." Gerard whispered softly, stroking Frank's tangled hair back from his face gently as Frank gazed up at him a confused expression.

"What - why not?" Frank queried, his nails digging into Gerard's sides roughly as if he expected something to tear the two of them apart at any moment.

"Because you came and told me the truth right away, and honestly - I've been where you are right now. I am no stranger to burying my problems in someone else's body, and _yes_ \- I don't like the fact that you did that, but it's partially my fault for avoiding you and driving you to it."

"No - don't say that. I understand that you need your space, and I shouldn't have been so weak to give in to my usual habits, but I just - _fuck_ Gerard, I don't want to lose you...I miss you so much already," Frank whimpered quietly, his eyes shining with unshed tears and a spark of hope that Gerard both loved and hated to see.

Because no matter how much he related to Frank's statements, he wasn't ready to jump back into this, and neither was Frank - even if he thought he was. This entire situation was doomed from the start, and as long as Frank was seventeen, Gerard couldn't give Frank the security he wanted, he knew that all along, but he hadn't been willing to admit it to himself until just now.

If they attempted to pick up where they left off, they would be risking everything, and as much as Gerard wanted to believe that Frank might be worth that, he just wasn't sure. What they both needed was space, and time to think, and most of all - _honesty_ , which Gerard was finally going to give to Frank so they could both attempt to work out something that wouldn't leave the other on the edge of insanity.

"I don't want to lose you either," Gerard began slowly, cursing the way Frank's lips turned upward into a small smile that Gerard was about to erase, "but I also think we need to break this off - not _forever_ , just for a little while. I care about you a hell of a lot, but this is killing us already, and maybe taking a step back will be the best thing. If you still want me when you are eighteen, then I'll be here - I _promise_ , but I'm not asking you to be faithful until then, because we can't be together right now. I'll still be here for you as a friend, and I don't want you to be afraid to speak to me about anything, but I'm not going to let you ruin your life by clinging to me until I drag you down."

Gerard forced himself to ignore the burning sensation in his throat that was left behind by his words, locking away all of the negative emotions that were threatening to well up from inside him in favor of appearing cool and collected, knowing that was the only way he would be able to make it through the conversation without devolving into the wreck of a person he truly was.

"But...you aren't - I mean, I don't want anyone else, and I know my actions aren't showing that, but it's true, I meant it the first time I said it, and it hasn't changed," Frank argued back, his torso pulling away from Gerard's slightly, putting a small space between them that Gerard loathed, even though he refused to close it.

"I know you feel that way now, and I'm not trying to doubt you, but I'm also being logical. We can't do this Frank - it's illegal, it's _wrong_ , and it can destroy the both of us. I'm willing to risk my career if you are still dead set on this in a few months, but until then, I can't be with you. I'm sorry for leading you on, or making you think we had a chance when we talked the other day, and believe me - I want to say _'fuck it all'_ and take you back right now, but you have hurt me Frank, and I'm really confused about pretty much everything right now."

Frank opened and closed his mouth numerous times, but nothing emerged. Gerard was so tempted so lean over and press a soft kiss to his temple to ease his agitation, but he didn't, knowing it would only make Frank's struggles worse in the end, although he had still failed to remove his arm from around Frank's shoulder.

"Okay," Frank finally said, his expression transforming into a blank canvas that had Gerard shifting nervously in his seat. "I respect that, even if I don't like it, but I - you will still answer my calls and stuff right? I swear I won't phone you up every night or anything like that, I just - I miss your voice a lot, and...never mind," Frank choked out softly.

"I swear I will, and you can ring me up as much you as like okay? I don't want to cut you out of my life - _hell_ , I don't think I can handle that," Gerard tried to smile down at Frank's reassuringly, but it came out as more of grimace instead, the stalwart front he was putting on for Frank's sake was beginning to crumble down the longer he spent in the younger boy's presence.

"Yeah...me either," Frank mumbled imperceptibly before suddenly standing up, his abrupt movement removing all contact between him and Gerard, leaving Gerard feeling bereft and chilly without Frank's familiar heat next to him. "I'm sorry - I need to go, but I guess I'll see you Friday."

"Wait - I can drive you home, I'm pretty sure you missed the bus by this point," Gerard offered, but Frank was already hefting his bag over his back and heading to the door, his sudden desire to escape confusing Gerard and also wounding him more than it should have.

"I'll be fine, the late shuttle should still be there."

"Are you sure?" Gerard asked one final time, following behind Frank pathetically, trying to think of something else to say to prolong their time together for just a few more minutes.

"Yeah I'm good."

"Frank...I'm not doing this to hurt you - you know that right?" Gerard questioned, a soft spike of agony flaring up when Frank refused to look in his direction as he fumbled with the lock clumsily.

"I do...I'm just - I'm tired of crying in front of you today, and I guess I wasn't expecting you to...uh - _leave me_ , but it makes sense, I'm not upset, well I am, but I'll be fine," Frank stammered out.

"You don't have to take off just because we broke up," Gerard pleaded one last time, but he knew he was fighting a losing battle when Frank's head began shaking back and forth erratically.

"I shouldn't be here anyway, someone might wonder why you are still here, and my mom will be home soon."

"Okay...can you text me when you get home safe?" Gerard dared to ask, because he was truly fearful about Frank's wellbeing right now. He of all people knew that being in this state made drove oneself to doing idiotic things, he was the prime example of that after all.

"I will," Frank nodded once, something that might have been a trace of a smile gracing his mouth for one second before he stepped into the hallway. "Goodbye Gerard."

And even though Frank's farewell felt much to final for Gerard to be comfortable with, he found himself waving to the younger boy, resisting the urge to chase after him and try and fix the injuries he had created, which was something he didn't have the power to do even if he wanted to.

As Gerard watched Frank's retreating figure disappear down the titled corridor, he allowed the veneer he had encased himself in to shatter now that Frank wasn't there to witness his torment, the realization of what he had just done finally settling in - he had broken up with Frank, and _yes_ \- it was necessary, and he really should have done it as soon as he discovered Frank's age, but _fuck_ \- it hurt so much more than Gerard had been expecting it to, even more than learning that Frank had cheated on him last night had.

So although Mikey was most likely starting to worry about why Gerard was staying at work so late, he didn't immediately head home - instead, he locked the door once more before sinking down behind his large desk, curling his knees up into his chest as he finally allowed himself to cry over the loss of the best boyfriend he would most likely ever have, because no matter how positive Gerard tried to be, he knew that there was no feasible way that Frank was going to still want him when he was eighteen, and the fact that he would never be privileged enough to call Frank his ever again was shredding him into a million irreparable pieces, but Gerard had been the one to put it all in motion, so this agony was his penance that he would accept without question.

 


	26. Unexpected Affection Followed By Sweet Dreams

Frank hurried away from Gerard's classroom as quickly as his tired muscles would let him, stubbornly ignoring the intense desire to rush back into Gerard's arms and hold him for as long as possible. Frank wanted to beg Gerard to tell him that his decision had been a mistake, that he didn't want to break up anymore, but Frank knew that Gerard wasn't going to change his mind that easily, so Frank had to get away before the fact that he and Gerard were no longer together fully sunk in.

Frank knew he was going to regret his impromptu departure any second now, especially since this was the first time since Monday that Gerard had been willing to talk to him, but Frank couldn't stand to stay in Gerard's presence right now, not with his words playing on an endless loop in his head that seemed to get louder with each repetition, reminding him with every step he took that Gerard had left him, that they were _over_ , that the happiness he had found with the other man had been nothing more than a fleeting thing.

And _yes_ \- Frank had heard Gerard say that if Frank still wanted him when he was eighteen that they could try again, but it had seemed like an afterthought to Gerard, an add on to give Frank a fake sense of solace. Frank wasn't sure if Gerard was being serious about his promise or not, but even if he was, Frank couldn't imagine Gerard staying single for two more months while he waited for Frank's birthday to arrive.

Everything following Gerard's initial statement in which he told Frank that they needed to break off their relationship was fuzzy and blurred, no matter how hard Frank tried to recall Gerard's exact words. Frank's tears and heartache had muddled up everything until he had reached the point where he honestly wasn't sure what exactly had been said after that, his mind had shut down in an effort to avoid the agony that rose up to take the place that Gerard had once occupied.

Deciding not to torture himself with what had just happened for any longer, Frank began to plan what to do now, because contrary to what he had told Gerard, his mother wouldn't be home for another hour, and Frank didn't want her to see him in this state anyway. She might not notice his emotional distress, but if she did happen to comment on it, Frank knew he wouldn't be able to handle any sort of inquiry that would come from her, not to mention she would most likely tell him to brush it off or something else just as callous.

Frank couldn't go back to Pete's either - not yet anyway. Gerard may have given him permission to sleep with other people, in fact, he wasn't even his boyfriend anymore, but Frank was still overcome with guilt every time he allowed his mind to wander back to what he and Pete had done last night, and Frank didn't want to face his best friend who would instantly catch on to Frank's distress, and unlike his mother, Pete wouldn't drop the subject until Frank explained what was bothering him.

Frank was still debating his options as he scrambled aboard the late shuttle seconds before the door closed, hurriedly taking an empty seat before burying his head in his arms, wishing the ache in his temples would dissipate so he could actually think without being distracted by the intermittent pulses of pain.

Remembering his promise to Gerard, Frank pulled out his phone, sending him a text that said he had caught bus and he was on his way home, immediately turning the device off afterward so he wouldn't have to deal with the added pressure of checking if Gerard had responded or not. As much as Frank did want to keep in contact with the older man, he needed to get away from everything right now before he lost his mind completely.

Frank had three options for an escape as far as he could tell; he could either hide in his room and hope his mother left him be, which didn't sound very appealing, he could return to his and Gerard's meadow and hope he found peace there once more, which he highly doubted he would with their breakup still so fresh and raw, or he could go see Brendon and Ryan at the bar.

Frank hadn't stopped into the pub lately, not since the night Gerard had originally taken him to the forest clearing and ask him to be his. At first Frank had just been too busy with other things to make time for it, and then he hadn't wanted the friendly bartenders to see him in such a miserable state, but now Frank could think of no one else to turn to, and even if he wasn't as close to Brendon and Ryan as he was to Pete, they were no strangers to listening to his dismal life, and Ryan did give excellent hugs that somehow always managed to cheer Frank up slightly.

The bus creaked to a halt at its one stop which was luckily very close to the bar Frank planned on visiting. Frank waited until everyone else had exited the vehicle before grabbing his bag and making his way down the steep steps, throwing his things onto a nearby bench so he could loosen his constricting tie and unbutton his white shirt, stuffing the fabric into his backpack once it was off, leaving him in a plain white t-shirt and jeans. Frank was aware that Brendon most likely realized that he was in high school by now, but he didn't want to risk getting the man into trouble by showing up at his establishment in clothing that proclaimed he was under twenty-one, not that he planned on drinking right now, but _still_ \- better safe than sorry.

Frank hesitated once the familiar sign came into view though, because as much as he ached for someone to lend an ear to his woes, he felt guilty for bothering Brendon and Ryan with what they would most likely view as trivial problems. They were two of the nicest people he had ever met, but Frank couldn't help but fear that they would soon begin to view him as a burden, especially if he didn't at least purchase something to pay them back for their wasted time.

Frank shoved away his insecurities the best that he could after standing outside for over a minute, the odd looks he was getting from the few pedestrians that passed him by making him decidedly uncomfortable, because even if his musings proved to be correct, Frank wasn't going to abandon his only source of comfort just yet. The simple act of deciding to come see Brendon and Ryan had actually managed to dry up his tears for a short time, so hopefully speaking with them would soothe his bleeding heart for a short while.

Frank winced slightly as the bell above the door chimed out once he had pushed it open, the soft sound hurting his head more than it should have. Frank heaved a sigh of relief after his quick scan of the bar showed it to be almost entirely empty, which made sense since it was barely four in the afternoon. Grateful that he wouldn't have an audience for his private conversation, Frank made his way over to where Brendon was standing with his back turned to him.

"Hey Bren, you busy?" Frank asked in a raspy voice, his throat scratchy and raw from choking back sobs for so long.

"Frank - long time no see," Brendon exclaimed happily, whipping around so quickly he almost dropped the glass he was polishing in the process. "You know I always have time to chat with my favorite customer." Brendon's face fell when he got a better look at Frank, leaving Frank to wonder if he was wearing his misery on his sleeve, it certainly felt like his sorrow was coating him constantly lately, but he hadn't been aware it was so noticeable to anyone else. "Are you okay?" Brendon whispered softly, the question only reminding Frank of how Gerard had spoken those exact same words to him not an hour before, leaving Frank quivering softly as he breathed deeply through his nose in an attempt to keep his composure.

"I don't think so," Frank whimpered softly, moving so he could lean most of his weight against the wooden bar when his legs began to shake along with the rest of his body. "I fucked up with Gerard," Frank admitted, his muscles tensing up in preparation for another round of tears, but Frank was so exhausted and dehydrated that none appeared, although his eyes stung painfully.

"Oh honey." Brendon ducked under the wooden counter gracefully, reappearing at Frank's side before wrapping his arms around his shoulders tightly. "Do you want to come in the back room and talk about it? Ryan's in there, and that way you can sit down on something more comfortable than a hard bar stool."

"Are you sure? I don't want to be a bother," Frank sniffled, lifting his head slightly only to see Brendon staring down at him with a concerned expression tinged through with sincerity.

"Of course you aren't," Brendon shushed Frank, forcibly pulling him to his feet before helping him navigate over to a section of the building that Frank had never been in before.

Frank let Brendon lead him without protest, even though a part of him was mortified that he was allowing someone else to practically drag him around when he should be able to walk on his own, but Frank was too worn out to bother with maintaining his dignity for any longer.

"Ryan, we've got company," Brendon called out as they entered a small room furnished with a comfortable looking couch, as well as a desk and a large computer that Ryan was currently hunched over. Brendon sat down on the nearby piece of furniture as his boyfriend flipped around, pulling Frank down with him. Frank couldn't seem to convince his torso to remain upright, so he allowed himself to curl up on his side, his head resting on Brendon's shoulder as he continued to tremble weakly.

Frank hated this, he despised appearing so pathetic in front of anyone, of being unable to control his anxiety, which was something he hadn't struggled with for years before this, but losing Gerard had brought back the return of a plethora of terrible things that Frank thought he had finally left in the past, including a never ending storm of emotional turmoil that Frank was beginning to fear that he would never navigate his way out of.

"What happened?" Ryan asked in a hushed tone of voice, gently shifting Frank's legs so he could squeeze himself onto the cushions as well. Frank felt slightly uncomfortable being surrounded by the two men, but Brendon and Ryan had always been affectionate with him, and in a way, their closeness made him feel safe.

"Do you want to tell him Frank?" Brendon prodded when Frank remained silent, and as much as Frank would really rather not, he wasn't going to turn up here in such a state and refuse to explain himself, especially not after Brendon and Ryan were being so kind to him.

"Well you remember Gerard right?" Frank began, waiting for Ryan's nod of affirmation before continuing. Frank swallowed thickly as he tried to find his tongue, but unlike with Pete where the words had spilled out of him like poison leaking from an open wound, Frank found his throat closing up, and no matter how hard he tried, all he could produce were soft whimpers.

"It's okay Frank, you can talk to us," Brendon smiled reassuringly, stroking Frank's hair idly as he spoke, and although Frank was slightly thrown off by the gesture, he allowed himself to lean into the touch gratefully.

"You are too sweet to me," Frank chuckled hoarsely, earning himself a grin from Ryan as well.

"You are our friend Frank, we have known you for years now, so if you are hurting, we want to help," Ryan responded, causing Frank's heart to swell slightly when he realized he might not be as alone as he thought, even if his only friends were Pete and a pair of bar owners who were probably older than Gerard was.

"Thanks, that means a hell of a lot to me," Frank heaved out, bracing himself to get back on track with the original point of his visit before Brendon had to return back to the bar. "So - uh, Gerard and I were doing great, he actually asked me to be his boyfriend the night I saw you last, but then... _fuck_ \- it still doesn't seem real, but he's my teacher, and I'm not exactly at the age of legal consent yet, which he didn't know until I saw him in class. He broke up with me today, and he was really nice about it, he even said if I still wanted him when I'm eighteen then he is willing to wait for me, but that's two months away..." Frank trailed off for a moment, trying to find the correct terminology that would convey how he felt like the world was ending all because of a man he had meant four weeks ago, "I think I love him, and I don't know what to do without him anymore."

"Oh my god that's so sad," Ryan gasped, and he did sound truly distraught over Frank's predicament. "How much older than you is he?"

"Um...he's twenty-six, so that's a nine year gap," Frank mumbled guilty, the discrepancy seeming so much worse once it was vocalized aloud.

"Well that isn't too bad, I'm six years older than Brendon," Ryan shrugged, "and as long as you were both consenting, and he didn't do anything to take advantage of you, I really don't see anything wrong with it."

"No - Gerard was wonderful to me, and I lied to him about my age, so he wasn't aware of it until Monday." Frank wanted to make it abundantly clear that Gerard wasn't at fault here, the blame for this situation laid entirely on Frank's shoulders, but Ryan already seemed to understand that.

"Are you sure that you love him though?" Brendon questioned warily, his full lower lip caught between his teeth when Frank craned his neck upward to look at him. "I mean - it's not that I don't believe you, and I saw for myself how happy you were when you talked about him the last time you were here, but _honestly_ \- dating a teacher won't be easy, especially not in a smaller town like this, and if it turns out to be simple infatuation, then you would have put yourself at risk for nothing."

"Well it doesn't matter anymore since he's left me," Frank muttered sullenly, giving himself a metaphorical pat on the back for being able to make it through his sentence without crying, "but I think I do. From the moment I first saw him I felt this instance connection with him, and I experienced all of those cheesy things that I never used to believe in; the butterflies, the sparks, the urge to always be around him. I've never met anyone like him before, and you of all people know how many men I've gone home with, but none of them hold a candle to his flame."

"That sounds like love to me," Ryan sighed dreamily, snaking his arm around Frank's back so he could squeeze Brendon's shoulder gently. "I know most people would tell you to forget about him, but I can sense just by looking at you that you don't want to do that. _Still_ \- I think Gerard did the right thing here. He's trying to protect you, and I think that alone proves that he cares about you. He said he would wait for you too, and I know two months seems like a long time, but it will fly by before you know it."

"I'm already such a mess though, I'm not even sure if I can make it another day," Frank choked out, his eyes watering heavily as he blinked multiple times in an attempt to dispel the tears that he had managed to avoid so far. "He promised we could still talk over the phone, and he said he wasn't going to cut me out of his life, but he didn't answer any of my calls this week, and...and..."

"Here," Ryan leaned over, snagging a nearby water bottle before handing it to Frank. Frank accepted it eagerly, chugging the cool liquid which alleviated his parched throat as well as distracted him from the urge to start sobbing again.

"Thank you, and sorry - I don't know why I'm so unstable. I was pretty sure I would have calmed down by now, but apparently that hasn't happened yet."

"He's totally in love," Ryan smirked proudly, as if he took great pleasure in repeating the phrase as often as possible. "Brendon and I were just as emotional screwed at first, but we also met in sort of a fucked up way."

"Oh yeah?" Frank perked up slightly, desperate to remove the attention from himself for a moment, not to mention he was curious about how the two had gotten together.

"Don't remind me," Brendon groaned, but Frank didn't miss the playful lilt to his voice, and apparently neither did Ryan.

"I was his therapist," Ryan chuckled, scooting closer to Brendon as he spoke, sandwiching Frank in-between the two of them even more than he already was, "and I wasn't allowed to date my patients for two years after they stopped seeing me, so believe me, I understand what you are going through."

" _Whoa_ \- wait a second, how did you go from being a therapist to running a bar?"

"I did it so I could be closer to Brendon, his dad owned this place, and when he passed away, he gave it to Brendon. I only studied psychology since my mother pushed me into it, and it was nice to help people, but it was never really my passion, plus I can wear whatever I want here without getting odd looks." Ryan gestured to his floral headband, and Frank did have to admit that he had a point since he couldn't visualize a therapist with Ryan's odd fashion sense.

"Wow," Frank breathed out, suddenly humbled by hearing about Brendon and Ryan's struggles which were significantly worse than his own. "How did you make it so long without going insane?"

"Well it wasn't love at first sight for us," Ryan smiled dreamily, "even though I did find him attractive from the start."

"I hated him," Brendon piped up, shocking Frank with his admission, because he honestly couldn't image Brendon ever looking at Ryan with anything other than adoration, "but I was also being forced into therapy that I didn't think I needed and Ryan was a pretentious asshole back then."

"I was not," Ryan huffed, crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt at looking stern. "You were an arrogant punk though."

"I sort of was," Brendon shrugged in agreement, "but anyway, I was in a really bad place when we met, and it took Ryan ages to get through to me. I didn't see him for very long as an actual patient, but he kept tabs on me even after our sessions had ended, and eventually I began to realize how much he meant to me. Once I figured that out, we started to get a lot closer, and we may have started unofficially dating a little before the two year mark, but for me, Ryan was worth the wait, and I can tell Gerard is the same for you. I know our situations aren't exact parallels since you had him and now you know what you missing out on, but if I were you, I would be patient and see if he holds true to his word. You can hang out with us as much as you want in the meantime."

"What if he was lying though, or he changes his mind?" Frank asked fearfully, because that was what was truly eating away at him, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make himself believe that Gerard would truly be willing to take him back on his eighteenth birthday.

"If he does then he is an idiot," Ryan scoffed loudly, actually succeeding in making Frank giggle softly, "but no - in all seriousness, if you two are meant to be together, then everything will work out in the end. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but I have found that it's the truth. If you really love him, and he loves you back, then you will make it through all of this drama, but if not, then your feelings will fade and you will find someone even better."

"I don't want anyone else," Frank whispered, curling inward around his knees in a way that alleviated some of the painful pressure that was threatening to crush his heart.

"I know you don't honey," Brendon murmured soothingly. "Why don't you give him a call tonight, and if he answers, it most likely means he is willing to keep in contact with you like he promised, but if he doesn't - _well_..." Brendon trailed off, shooting Ryan a concerned glance when Frank began shaking again.

"Brendon's right, just take things one day at a time. He'll pick up, I'd bet good money on it," Ryan smiled, his confidence leaking into Frank, allowing him to sit up on his own now that speaking with his friends had alleviated some of the smothering emotions that had been dragging Frank down both mentally and physically.

"Okay, I will," Frank agreed, trying his hardest not to get his hopes up, because Gerard could very well decide that it was too soon to speak with Frank, or he could be hurt about Frank's sudden withdrawal from his classroom earlier, in fact - Frank could think of a thousand reasons why Gerard should ignore him, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to keep trying, he most likely would have ended up attempting to reach out to Gerard sooner rather than later even without Brendon and Ryan's prodding, but their confidence in him made the task that much easier to contemplate.

" _Shit_ -" Brendon cursed, standing up abruptly when the bell over the door chimed again. "I didn't mean to stay away from the bar for so long, but good luck with everything Frank, and you better drop by again soon to tell me how it goes."

"I will," Frank called out after Brendon's retreating figure, regaining his own feet as well now that he had the space to do so. "I probably should be heading home as well, but seriously, I owe you guys for cheering me up."

"Don't be silly," Ryan grinned, pulling Frank into one of his trademark hugs before beginning to walk with him out into the front room. "We love you Frank."

"I love you too," Frank whispered breathlessly, still unused to having those words being applied to him since Pete was the only one to ever utter them aloud.

As Frank exited the pub, he managed to produce a genuine smile, because even if Gerard didn't answer Frank's call for whatever reason, Frank had discovered that he was cared for by two amazing people, and even if their affection didn't fill him with the same sensations that Gerard's had provided him with, Frank still felt warm bubbles of what could only be happiness fizzling around his stomach as he waved goodbye to Brendon and Ryan.

~~~

Later that evening, Frank sat on his bed with his phone clutched tightly in his palm, the skin of his knuckles turning white under the strain. Frank wasn't sure if he should follow through on his plan to call Gerard - it was almost midnight now; Frank had been kept occupied with trying to balance his mother's checkbook after she had once again maxed out all of their credit cards, and time had flown by without his knowledge.

Frank knew he would never be able to sleep if he didn't though, and every second he wasted debating on if this was the right thing to do was lessening his chances of Gerard still being awake, so he forced his thumb to hit dial, having already pulled up Gerard's number over fifteen minutes ago during which he had done nothing but stare at the screen blankly.

Frank curled into a ball as he pressed the phone to his ear, subconsciously preparing himself for the agony he would most likely be assaulted with when Gerard didn't pick up, but much to Frank's surprise, not to mention relief, he heard a soft click after three rings, followed by a soft scuffling sound."

"Frankie?" Gerard's voice rang out warily, as if he was afraid that someone else had gotten a hold of Frank's phone and was prank calling him or something else just as ridiculous.

"Yeah - it's me, is this a bad time?"

"No, not at all. I was just getting ready for bed." Frank swore he could hear Gerard's smile through the line, and his face mirrored that exact expression. "Is everything alright?"

"Mhmm," Frank hummed happily, flipping over onto his back as he spoke. "I just missed you, and I wanted to apologize for taking off so suddenly this afternoon. It was just a lot for me to process all at once."

"I understand sugar," Gerard paused, and even though Frank had no idea what he was doing, he imagined that Gerard was slipping underneath his own sheets at that moment. "I - it was hard to do that, but I'm glad you aren't upset with me."

"I should be the saying the same to you," Frank laughed wryly, because Gerard seemed surprisingly unbothered by Frank's unfaithfulness, but maybe since they were no longer together, it really wasn't an issue to him, and either way, Frank wasn't going to bring it up and ruin the first normal conversation they had partaken in since Sunday.

"I can't stay mad at you, _believe me_ \- I tried, but it's more of a hassle than it's worth."

"Thank god," Frank exhaled loudly, unsure of what to say now that they had established that there were no hard feelings between the two of them. "Do you need to go?" Frank asked nervously, not wanting to keep Gerard from sleeping just so they could talk.

"Probably, but I don't want to," Gerard replied coyly, causing Frank's lips to stretch into such a wide grin that almost hurt. "Did I tell you about the stray dog Mikey brought home yesterday?" Gerard asked.

"No I don't think you have," Frank replied, although he knew that Gerard was aware of that, but if Gerard was willing to pretend like everything was normal, then Frank was more than happy to play along.

Frank burrowed deeper under the covers as Gerard began detailing the entire incident, making small noises of glee when Gerard painted a verbal picture of the small beagle puppy that Mikey had somehow stumbled upon. Frank groaned softly when Gerard mentioned that it was no longer staying with them anymore since apparently their apartment manager had a vendetta against pets, forcing Mikey to pass it off on his friend Ray who was less than thrilled about the new addition. Frank would have loved to meet the small animal if Gerard would allow him to come over for a visit again now that he knew that Frank was his student.

Frank yawned loudly once Gerard's story had ended, the sound escaping past his lips without his consent. Frank didn't feel tired, but it had been another emotionally draining day for him, and he knew that the exhaustion he had been struggling with earlier was going to catch up with him at any moment.

"You should sleep, we've both have school in the morning," Gerard giggled nervously, the topic still obviously an uncomfortable one for him, but at least he wasn't avoiding it entirely like Frank had thought he would.

"I guess so," Frank grumbled petulantly, not wanting to end his time with Gerard just yet, but he also didn't want to come off as too clingy so soon after their breakup. "Gerard..." Frank spoke up when Gerard remained silent, wanting to get one thing off of his chest before he lost the courage to do so.

"Yeah sugar?"

"I'm going to wait for you okay? I know you don't believe me, but I wouldn't give you up for anything," Frank choked out, knowing that he had already voiced this sentiment multiple times before, but he had to make sure that Gerard believed him, and this was the first time he had been able to say it aloud without tears breaking up his words.

"I want you to do that," Gerard breathed out, his sentence emerging so softly that Frank could barely hear him. "I shouldn't be saying that, because I'm not good for you, but _fuck_ Frank - if you are serious, I'll be here, I swear on my life."

"You're worth so much Gerard," Frank protested, ignoring that fact that Gerard hated compliments almost as much as he detested lies.

"I just want you to be happy Frank, don't throw that away for me," Gerard mumbled dejectedly, the desolation in his tone physically paining Frank as he decided how to word his answer.

"And if you make me happy?" Frank asked hesitantly, unsure of how Gerard would react to Frank's stubborn refusal to entertain a future without Gerard in it, but if he was going to make it through the next two months, then he had to convince Gerard that he was serious about this.

"Then you won't be able to get rid of me the second you turn eighteen."

"I can't wait," Frank exhaled happily, hugging his pillow close to his chest as if it was a pale imitation of Gerard.

"Me either, but seriously, you need to go to bed," Gerard chastised Frank fondly, "and so do I. I'm still not used to these early mornings."

"Okay, I'm going, and Gerard - thank you for picking up," Frank interjected quickly.

"I said I would didn't I?" Gerard teased, but Frank didn't miss the slight hint of hurt coloring his tone a deep aquamarine shade. Frank didn't comment on it though, and honestly - if Gerard hadn't ignored him for the past three days, Frank wouldn't have had any doubts about him answering his phone in the first place.

"You did," Frank grinned, unable to stop smiling now that he knew Gerard was going to keep his promise after all.

"Sweet dreams sugar," Gerard whispered lowly, the affection lacing his words filling Frank with conflicting sensations composed of love and longing, although he wasn't anywhere near ready to admit how deeply he cared for Gerard aloud, not while they stood on such shaky ground.

"Sweet dreams," Frank repeated softly, forcing himself to end the call after a few moments of dead air had passed.

Frank's muscles unwound as soon as he placed his phone on the nearby charger, tension that he hadn't been aware he was carrying melting away now that he and Gerard had made some form of contact that didn't involve sobbing and heartbreak. Frank knew they still had a long way to go, and he would be foolish to think that each one of their interactions were going to be so smooth, but it was a _start_ , and not only that, it was proof that maybe they could remain friends until Frank's birthday, which wasn't a perfect solution, but Frank would definitely take that over radio silence.

And for the first time in what had only been days but what felt like years, Frank slipped into a deep slumber easily with no tear tracks staining his cheeks, instead, he carried the remnants of a smile, his lips twitching upward even after his lids had closed and his breathing had evened out.


	27. Pretending Versus Reality

Using a supreme effort of will that he didn't know he possessed, Frank managed to bury his emotional distress deep inside himself until it reached the point of being manageable. It wasn't like he had any other choice; life wasn't going to pause itself to give Frank time to mourn the loss of his and Gerard's relationship after all. With the ending of his first week at school, Frank also had to return to work, not to mention his assignments were beginning to roll in, leaving Frank with no choice but to pretend that everything was fine, even if it was anything but.

The additions of his night shifts coupled with schoolwork actually helped Frank more than he thought. He had assumed the stress would break him, but it gave him something else to focus on besides how much he missed Gerard. Frank even offered to cover extra hours whenever his boss needed it, working himself ragged before going home and pouring over his textbooks until his eyes were dropping with exhaustion.

It was the days where he had nothing to occupy himself with where Frank found himself choking back tears and reminiscing over happier times, usually either ending with him crying into his pillow, calling Gerard, or retreating to Brendon and Ryan's bar to drink himself senseless. Tonight he had chosen the latter option, even though it was a Sunday night, and he was going to regret his decision in the morning, but with all his homework finished and Pete unable to spend time with him since he had school in the morning, Frank had to find something to do since sleep didn't come easily to him anymore.

Frank hadn't felt the same sense of relief with his best friend as he once did lately, and although he still enjoyed Pete's company, it also served as a reminder of his betrayal of Gerard. Frank refrained from sleeping with Pete after that night, even if he now had free reign since he and Gerard were officially broken up, but it still felt wrong to Frank, and luckily Pete didn't attempt to initiate anything between them either.

So in all honesty, he was much happier whittling his evening away with Brendon and Ryan. His connection to them had strengthened immensely since they had consoled him after Gerard had ended things, and the fact that they supplied him with drinks was an added bonus.

Frank might have consumed a bit too much liquor tonight in retrospect; he could usually handle his alcohol decently well, but his head was currently spinning and everything was bright and fuzzy. Frank felt good though - better than he had in weeks, or however long it had been since he had discovered Gerard was his teacher.

Frank's concept of time had been eradicated lately; his world was now an endless slew of days that passed by in a thick fog punctuated by the few times he saw Gerard, either that or their phone calls. Gerard had held true to his word and made an effort to stay in contact with him, but even on the few rare occasions in which Gerard would agree to allow Frank to come over for a short while, it just wasn't the same.

Of course Frank still jumped at the chance to see Gerard in person, having him in front of him made their late night conversations seem paltry and insubstantial in comparison, but _still_ \- it hurt that he wasn't able to touch Gerard, because he wanted to _so_ _fucking badly_. He ached to hold his hand, to feel his lips grazing his skin once more, but Gerard stubbornly refused to instigate any contact between them minus a brief hug every now and again. The lack of contact filled Frank with sadness, ruining the brief moments during which he was supposed to be happy.

It was a small consolation that Gerard seemed just as distressed by where they stood now, although Frank hated it when Gerard was upset in any way or form, but at the same time, it let him know that he wasn't alone in his struggles. He didn't miss the way Gerard would physically have to force himself to sit further away from Frank than he would like, or his occasional use of pet names which seemed to slip out more often than not, which were all obvious signs that Gerard still cared for Frank, but it didn't make the heaviness in his heart any easier to bear.

Frank hadn't allowed himself to think about the future too thoroughly, but deep down, he was terrified that the bond that had sprung into life between them since the moment they had met was irrevocably damaged, and even once Frank turned eighteen, things wouldn't go back to the way they used to be. There was history between them now, bruised feelings and betrayals that wouldn't magically disappear when Frank was of legal age, but Frank would take any sort of relationship he could get with Gerard at this point, and maybe time would heal the rifts that stood between them.

Frank was more worried about Gerard than himself, mostly because Gerard had changed, or maybe he was no longer letting Frank see the real him like he had in the past. Their interactions didn't carry the sense of ease and safety that Frank had once felt whenever he was near Gerard, and Frank _despised_ it. He wished Gerard would let him in again, to allow him to crawl inside the secret spaces Gerard was so protective of, but his access was temporarily barred now, and Frank could do nothing but wait until he was granted permission to enter.

Gerard pretended he was fine though, but Frank could see through his lies. He constantly appeared exhausted, especially at school, and the dark bags under his eyes coupled with the lingering hint of alcohol on his breath had Frank fearful for Gerard's wellbeing.

Frank was aware of how hypocritical he sounded, especially given his current situation, but he couldn't help himself. Gerard was the sort of person who would allow himself to fall apart without ever once asking for a helping hand, and now Frank was no longer there to support him in any way he could, so Frank was terrified of what would happen if he wasn't able to find a way to be there for Gerard without being his boyfriend.

Frank had turned to Mikey recently, not wanting to drive Gerard away be inquiring over how he was doing, so hoping that his brother could provide that information instead, and Mikey had assured him that even though Gerard was miserable and drinking more than he probably should, he didn't seem to be hurting himself, and he hadn't resorted to drugs either, which had been Frank's main concern.

Frank kept his correspondences with Mikey to a minimum, not wanting Gerard to find out that he was receiving updates about him through his brother. Frank had a feeling that Gerard wouldn't see it as the caring gesture that it was, instead he would most likely view it as another breach of his trust, and Frank couldn't risk placing another wedge between them, no matter how badly he wanted to text Mikey every minute of every day asking about Gerard.

Gerard was strong though, at least Frank hoped he was, and if Frank could make it through this separation, then so could he, not to mention the fact that Frank was convinced that he was the one who needed Gerard the most, not the other way around, and it was his stubbornness that had convinced Gerard to wait for him.

Frank was still surprised that Gerard had even offered to take Frank back in the first place, because why should he risk everything for Frank when there were much better guys out there for him? Frank wasn't going to bring up that point though, that would be idiotic of him, and for some reason, Gerard seemed to see something in Frank that made him want to keep him around, so Frank wasn't going to try to change his mind.

Frank sipped on his coke idly as his mind spun in circles, having been cut off by Brendon after his last drink, but he wasn't quite ready to go home just yet, so plain soda would have to do while he waited until he was sure that he could walk back to his place without collapsing in the street.

Frank stiffened suddenly when he felt a hand being placed on his shoulder, knowing that it wasn't Brendon or Ryan since they were both busy working the bar in front of him. It was most likely one of Frank's regular hookups looking to see if Frank was willing to go back to their place with them for the night, but Frank's neck didn't seem to want to function properly, so he couldn't turn to get a good look at them.

"I'm not interested," Frank mumbled, trying to force his voice to emit in a clear fashion even though his words still sounded slurred and lazy despite his best efforts.

"Frank - it's me," the man huffed, gently spinning Frank around on his stool until Mikey's thin face filled his blurry vision. "How much have you had to drink?" Mikey questioned, his brow furrowing as Frank's lips split into a goofy grin now that he had recognized his friend.

"Hey...sorry, thought you were someone else," Frank tried to explain, his smile only widening when Brendon wandered within earshot. "Look Bren - it's Mikey," Frank exclaimed excitedly, even though Brendon had obviously already taken notice of him.

"It is," Brendon chuckled softly, angling his body in Mikey's direction as he leaned over the bar, apparently in an attempt to have a private conversation with the other man, but Frank still heard it given the fact that Brendon had to speak up to be understood over the music.

"You are Gerard's brother right?" Frank flinched at the mention of Gerard's name, still unused to having it be spoken aloud unless he was the one doing it, missing Mikey's nod of affirmation entirely. "Do you think you could make sure he gets home okay? I was going to take him once we close up, but that isn't for a few more hours."

"Yeah of course," Mikey instantly agreed, ignoring Frank's pout of protest in favor of continuing his conversation with Brendon.

"But we don't have to leave now," Frank spoke up, not wanting to be forced out of his one place of safety just yet, "you just got here? Don't you want to order something?" Frank bargained desperately.

"I shouldn't be spending my cash anyway, I was just looking for something to do, and babysitting you works just as well as getting drunk."

"I don't need looking after - I'm fine," Frank whined, his eyes watering slightly when Mikey's expression took on a stubborn cast. " _Please_...I don't want to leave just yet."

"Well...I guess I can take you back to my place for a bit, Gerard's asleep though," Mikey sighed, his tone filled with a hint of a pity that would usually have Frank on edge, but right now it didn't bother him at all as long as he didn't have to be alone.

Because that was the problem here, it wasn't Frank's house necessarily, although it wasn't a place that he enjoyed frequenting, but it was the fact that he would be left to himself with nothing between him and the sorrow he was struggling to keep at bay that terrified him. Frank was so tired of crying, of breaking down and sobbing as quietly as he could so he wouldn't wake his mother, and that was what his evening would hold for him if he didn't take Mikey up on his offer.

"Sounds good," Frank tried to nod in agreement, but the simple action almost had him toppling from his perch when the world suddenly tilted alarmingly, only Mikey's outstretched arm stopping his downward motion.

"Be careful Frank," Brendon called out while Mikey helped him stand shakily. Any quick movements seemed to throw off Frank's internal balance, but once he regained his feet, he managed to take a few steps without any support from Mikey.

"I will, and I'm sorry I got so drunk, I forgot to eat before, but I'm okay," Frank babbled quickly, wanting to erase the lines of concern that were creasing the corner of Brendon's eyes.

"I'll make sure he's safe," Mikey assured Brendon, waving to the bar owner before steadily ushering Frank outside into the cooler air. The summer heat had finally relinquished its hold on New Jersey, and the chilly atmosphere helped clear Frank's head a bit, although moving from his stationary position had his stomach protesting angrily.

"Fuck," Frank muttered to himself after they had made it about a block. His stomach was cramping constantly by this point, and he could no longer resist the urge to vomit, even if the last thing he wanted to do was showcase his current weakness in front of Gerard's younger brother.

Mikey kept him from falling over as he got sick in the entryway to a small alley, the expulsion doing nothing to alleviate his drunken state in any way, in fact, Frank felt even more inebriated by the time his insides had finished their revolt, but his nausea had subsided at least.

"We've come full circle huh?" Mikey remarked casually while slinging his arm around Frank's waist, supporting most of his weight while Frank did his best not to trip over anything.

"Yeah I guess we are even now," Frank chuckled hoarsely, remembering how his decision to take Mikey home all those weeks ago had turned into what was debatably the best and worst thing he'd ever done.

"You're doing better at walking than I was at least," Mikey grinned, and Frank couldn't help but smile back, even if his insides were burning and he thought he might pass out at any moment, he was on his way back to Gerard's place, which was more of a home for him than the house he had lived in his entire life.

They didn't speak much after that; Frank was too busy trying not to throw up again and Mikey was otherwise occupied with guiding them, but eventually, they made it to Mikey's apartment without incident, although Frank didn't think he was going to be able to make it up steep set of stairs leading to their floor.

Frank got sick again once they were inside, thankfully making it to the sink before losing the contents of his stomach. Once it seemed that he was empty, Mikey threw together a makeshift bed for him on the couch with consisted of a spare pillow and blanket that he had pulled out of their linen closet, although by then Frank was so out of it he was certain that he could have slept comfortably on the floor.

Mikey retreated to his own room after Frank was settled, reminding Frank to wake him if he needed anything, but Frank was already borderline unconscious, so he wasn't able to formulate a coherent reply before his eyes fell shut and he was dozing off despite the way the room continued to spin even once his vision turned black.

~~~

Frank awoke at some indeterminate hour of the early morning, his body moving before his mind had even processed the fact that he was conscious, and by the time Frank was aware of his surroundings, he found himself kneeling on the rough tile in the bathroom, his throat burning and his stomach churning as he threw up the rest of the liquor that he hadn't expelled earlier.

Frank didn't try to fight the waves of sickness, knowing he needed to empty his stomach before he would start to feel better. His eyes watered heavily as he heaved over and over again, his hands gripping the cool porcelain rim in front of him in order to keep himself balanced.

Frank faintly heard the door behind him creak open, followed by a soft pair of footsteps before a gentle hand was placed on the small of his back. Frank didn't have to look up to know it was Gerard, he could already tell by the careful touch and the fact that he suddenly felt more at peace than he had in ages.

Frank waited for his mind to bring up he bitter reminder that they were broken up, but for some reason, that didn't seem to matter right now. Frank wasn't even concerned with how he looked, or that he was currently puking up his stomach contents, because Gerard was here, stroking his hair back from his face gently while murmuring soothing words in Frank's ear, and just for a little while, everything was okay again.

When Frank's gagging finally ceased, Gerard pulled Frank flush against his chest, setting him securely in his lap so Frank was no longer crouching on the uncomfortable floor. Frank's muscles instantly relaxed as Gerard's familiar scent surrounded him, and before he could stop himself, he was nuzzling into Gerard's hold, inhaling deeply in satisfaction, and much to his surprise, Gerard allowed his display of affection.

"You okay now?" Gerard murmured lowly, his hands idly stroking over Frank's ribs in a delicate fashion.

"Think so," Frank groaned, "I'm sorry if I woke you up."

"You didn't, I just couldn't sleep, and finding you here was a nice surprise. I'm assuming Mikey picked you up while he was out?" Gerard asked, not seeming at all bothered by Frank's random appearance even though he typically dictated when Frank was allowed over at his place.

"Yeah, he stopped by the bar," Frank answered sleepily, his eyes drifting shut without his consent now that his insides were beginning to calm themselves. "Got a bit more messed up than I meant to so he offered to let me sleep here." Gerard simply hummed in reply, rocking Frank's curled up frame from side to side in a comforting manner.

"I wish you wouldn't drink so much," Gerard spoke up after a minute of nothing but their synchronized breathing, but his tone wasn't condescending at all, it was more wistful than anything else.

"I could say the same to you," Frank retorted thickly, pushing away the exhaustion that was threatening to overwhelm him in favor of enjoying this moment for as long as possible. "I can smell it on you in class sometimes."

"I know I'm being hypocritical," Gerard chuckled roughly, "but it's the only way I can make it through the day half of the time, and I don't want you to end up like me."

"It helps me forget," Frank admitted softly, his eyes welling up slightly at the reminder of everything he was trying to escape from. "You're right though - I should slow down, but I'm not making any promises."

"Maybe just try...for me?" Gerard asked carefully, the concern in his tone arrowing directly into Frank's heart like a precisely aimed bullet.

"Yeah...okay, I'll do my best," Frank sniffled subtly, a sudden rush of emotions washing over him, but he was able to hide his distress before Gerard noticed that anything was wrong.

"Come on sugar, let's get you back on the couch." Frank whimpered slightly, maybe because of the pet name, maybe because he wasn't ready to move just yet, and unfortunately, Gerard caught onto the small sound.

"I'm sorry - is it still okay if I call you that sometimes? I don't mean to, but it's sort of a habit now," Gerard stammered nervously as he slowly stood up, helping Frank to his feet as soon as he was upright.

"No - I like it... _really_ , it's just bittersweet you know?" Frank choked out, tottering over to the sink so he could wash his mouth before allowing Gerard to lead him back into the living room, an uncomfortable silence settling down around them as Frank wracked his brain, trying to think of a way to get Gerard to stay with him for a bit longer, but in the end, he settled on blunt honesty. "Can you sit with until I fall asleep? You can say no, it's fine if you can't, I mean - I know you have to get up early and all."

"Of course Frank, I don't want to leave you alone until I'm sure you aren't going to be sick again anyway," Gerard beamed, his smile somehow lighting up the dark room better than any lamp ever could.

"Thank you," Frank exhaled gratefully, burrowing back under the blanket Mikey had left for him while Gerard positioned himself near Frank's head, allowing him to lay over his legs while he carded his fingers through Frank's hair instinctually.

Frank didn't want to say anything else, because this amount of affection was a rarity that he had been starving for over the past few weeks, and he knew words would only shatter the moment, but Frank's mouth had other ideas, and his sentence had hit the open air before he even realized he had spoken.

"We're halfway there, do you think we are going to make it?" Frank questioned tentatively, because unless he was mistaken, it had been almost a month since their break up, meaning it would be October soon, and his birthday not longer after that. His body tensed up as he waited to see how Gerard would react to his query, and for a moment, it seemed like his heart ceased to beat as well.

"I hope so," Gerard whispered, sincerity leeching from his every pore. "I want to be with you more than anything, and you are still coming around, so that has to be a good sign." Gerard ended his statement with a laugh that sounded borderline painful, inspiring Frank to wrap his arms around Gerard's waist the best that he could while in his prone position.

"I want that too - _so fucking much_. I haven't been with anyone else since the time I told you about, and even though waiting is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, I know it will be worth it in the end."

"That's good, but you can if you want - sleep with other people that is. I don't want you jumping into this and then regretting it later on...losing you for a second time might kill me," Gerard attempted to keep his tone light, but Frank saw straight through his paltry attempt at deception.

"I know, but I only want you okay - when are you going to get that through your thick head?" Frank tried to chuckle, but it transformed into a yawn about halfway through, his jaw popping sharply as he nuzzled closer to Gerard's warm body.

"Shut up and go to sleep, I don't want you dozing off in class tomorrow," Gerard grinned, attempting to make a joke out of their fucked up situation, and it actually seemed to work. Frank was getting used to the fact that Gerard was now his teacher, and although it was still not ideal, it didn't bother Frank as much as it should.

"No promises," Frank murmured groggily, but if Gerard ever said anything in response, it was lost on Frank as he slipped into slumber with an ease that only appeared when Gerard was present.

~~~

When Frank woke up for the second time, he was shocked to find himself in Gerard's room instead of on the couch, not to mention the fact that the older man was pressed against his side, his breath tickling the back of Frank's neck with each exhalation.

Frank froze in place, not daring to move a muscle in case this was a wonderful dream, but _no_ \- it was real, Gerard must have moved him sometime in the night, and Frank hadn't realized how much he had missed the simple act of sleeping in the same bed with the older man until just now.

Gerard's limbs were wrapped around him tightly, trapping Frank against his chest in a warm embrace, just like they always did when Frank used to stay the night with Gerard, and although Frank knew he should try to free himself so he could get home before his mother woke up, he didn't really give a shit about that right now, and it would take nothing short of a disaster to convince him to get up.

Frank hummed softly to himself on contentment, threading his fingers through Gerard's lightly while he still had the opportunity. Frank was overcome with a sudden rush of love for not only Gerard, but also this entire snapshot in time. Everything about this moment was so calming, so _domestic_ , and Frank found himself wondering what it would be like to wake up to this exact scene every morning.

Much too soon for Frank's liking, but what was probably a good half hour later, the alarm on Gerard's phone began to go off, shattering the peaceful quiet within the course of a few harsh beeps. Gerard shifted slightly, moving on what seemed to be autopilot before his hand landed on the device which he placed on snooze. Instead of getting up afterward like Frank thought he would, he simply burrowed back into the blankets, mumbling something incoherent under his breath as Frank tried to stifle a giggle caused by Gerard's adorable nature.

As tempted as Frank was to follow Gerard's lead and sleep the rest of the morning away, he knew he was going to have to be the responsible one here if either of them wanted to make it to school on time, but before Frank could convince himself to disturb Gerard, Mikey beat him to it by pounding on the door loudly, the sound startling Frank so much he almost toppled off the edge of the mattress.

"Gerard - wake the fuck up, you have to be at work in twenty minutes," Mikey groaned, rapping his knuckles against the wood sharply one last time before his retreating footsteps faded away.

"But 'm sleepy," Gerard called out thickly, groaning under his breath as he threw the blankets off the both of them, and it was only then that he seemed to remember that he had another occupant in his bed if the look of surprise on his face meant anything at all.

"Good morning," Frank grinned, his lips stretching wider when Gerard returned his gesture with a smile of his own.

"Hey sugar," Gerard beamed, rubbing one eye idly as he began looking around for something to wear.

"So did I sleepwalk in here or..." Frank chuckled nervously, trying his best to smooth the numerous wrinkles out of his shirt with little success, his mouth running on his own to banish the uncomfortable aura that Frank felt lurking at the edges of his consciousness.

"Nah - you kept twisting and turning all night, and I was afraid that you were going to fall off of the couch, so I moved you in here," Gerard shrugged nonchalantly, even though his caring gesture warmed Frank immensely, and Frank was positive that Gerard was aware of that as well.

"Thanks...I didn't even notice," Frank chuckled softly, keeping his back turned as Gerard changed out of his pajamas, even though the temptation to turn around and sneak a quick peek was almost irresistible.

"It was no big deal, I couldn't really relax until I knew you were safe, so bringing you in here seemed like the best thing to do for everyone." Gerard brushed off Frank's gratitude easily, throwing on a blazer that had seen better days over his light gray button-up shirt. "Do you need to head home first, because if not, I can drive you if you want. I'll have to drop you off at the corner or something, but at least that way you won't be late."

"I think I have a spare uniform shirt in my bag," Frank answered quickly, because even though the right thing to do would be to go check up on his mother before school, it wasn't like this was the first time he had spent the night away from her, and she could always call him if she needed him, which she hadn't done yet, not to mention that Frank wanted to wring out every second he could get with Gerard, so he definitely wasn't going to turn down his offer even though it would be safer for the both of them if he did.

~~~

Frank could barely wait until school let out to call Pete with good news for once, the desire to share his evening with Gerard bubbling away inside of him as he prayed for the clock to move faster so he could finally contact his friend.

Frank would have liked to actually stop by Pete's place and tell him what had occurred in person, but he had to work tonight unfortunately, and he wouldn't have time to fit in a visit since he had to head home first to make dinner for his mother.

His mother had been doing a bit better, even though her spending had taken another irresponsible downturn, but she hasn't suffered through any episodes in which she mistook Frank for someone else lately, so he was counting that as improvement, and he didn't want to risk damaging her progress by disappearing for an entire day without any explanation.

Frank pulled his phone out as soon as his bus creaked to a halt at his stop, dialing Pete's number eagerly as the excitement in his veins thrummed under his skin. Frank was aware that he might be looking too deeply into what had happened last night, and Gerard most likely had been experiencing a momentary lapse in judgment, but Frank was still counting it as a victory in his book, and he wanted someone else to share in his joy.

Frank barely gave Pete the chance to say hello before he launched into a spiel involving the minute details of his evening, slowing his pace so he wouldn't arrive home before his story had finished. Pete listened without interruption as Frank gushed about how Gerard had consoled him while he had been ill, quickly moving on to how he had stayed with him while he slept and even moved him into his room so he would be more comfortable.

"And when I woke up - he was fucking _cuddling_ with me, not to mention he drove me to school afterward." Frank finally finished his narrative, taking a moment to catch his breath once he had run out of words for the time being.

"That's awesome Frank, I'm happy he was so nice to you," Pete responded, and although his tone sounded a bit stiff and forced, Frank thought nothing of it.

"Thank you, and I know it isn't really that big of a deal, but lately he has been so distant, even when we do spend together, so it was a reassurance of sorts that he hasn't stopped caring for me, and I _really_ fucking needed that."

"I'm sort of surprised you are still so hung up on him," Pete remarked casually, startling Frank with his statement since Pete had been nothing but supportive of their relationship so far, and Frank hadn't been expecting such a negative reaction from him.

"Why do you say that?" Frank huffed, irritation bleeding through his previous happy mood now that Pete wasn't as ecstatic for him as Frank had hoped. "I told you I was falling in love with him, you didn't think that would change in the course of a few weeks did you?"

"No - not _really_ ," Pete hedged nervously, and Frank could almost see him shifting back and forth in agitation as he spoke. "I mean - I guess I thought you would realize that being with him is more trouble than it is worth, and even if he does wait for you to turn eighteen, it's not like all of your problems are going to suddenly go away, and the last thing you need right now is any more stress."

"What the hell Pete?" Frank sputtered, his internal equilibrium reeling now that Pete no longer seemed to be on his side. "Gerard is the only thing keeping me sane...I thought you knew that?"

"Well - I mean..." Pete paused for a moment, and Frank could hear him sucking in a deep breath through the line, "it sounds like you just want affection from another person, and I get that you want it to come from Gerard, but I honestly think you would be happier with somebody else," Pete ended on practically a whisper, and even though Frank wanted to curse him out and tell him how wrong he was, he forced himself to calm down before he did something he would regret.

"I know our situation isn't ideal, and forgetting about him might seem like the easier option, but Gerard means the world to me okay...I'm not giving up on him, and I thought you of all people understood that," Frank hissed, harsh tears stinging at his eyes when he realized that not even his best friend believed that he and Gerard could one day achieve happiness.

"I'm not trying to make you upset Frank, and if you want me to, I'll shut up right now, but if I'm being honest, I think it's unhealthy how much you rely on Gerard, not to mention the effect he has on you. You've changed so much since you met him, and I - I'm worried about you Frank," Pete admitted guilty, and although Frank was aware that it had taken Pete a great amount of courage to voice his thoughts aloud, it didn't stop Frank's vision from flickering in and out as he fought back the fury that his sentiment invoked.

"Whatever Pete - forget I even called you okay?" Frank snapped, wanting to end this conversation that had taken a very upsetting turn as soon as possible, "but for the record, I don't give a shit what you or anyone else thinks about Gerard, and he may not be perfect, but he is in my eyes, and that's all that matters."

"Frank - _please_ don't do this," Pete begged, his desperation bleeding through the phone line so heavily that Frank managed to swallow his anger and hear him out. "I only want you to be happy, and if Gerard does that, then I have no problem with him, but I think that you could find that same sense of security and love in someone closer to your own age."

"Oh yeah - like who?" Frank scoffed, missing out on Pete's obvious hint entirely since he was still trying to reel in his temper, so he was completely caught off guard by Pete's next statement.

"Like me..."

" _Oh_ ," Frank gasped, his head spinning due to the whirlwind Pete had invoked within it composed of confusion and shock as he realized what his best friend was implying.

"I mean - it's whatever, I just thought it would work you know? I already love you, and it's not like we've never gotten physical before. I could be there for you in ways that Gerard never could, it just seems like a good solution..." Pete rambled awkwardly while Frank struggled to gather his scattered thoughts, his mind torn into shreds due to Pete's unexpected bombshell.

"Pete," Frank finally managed to force himself to speak, needing to stop his friend before he dug an even deeper hole for himself. "You know I love you too, but we are just friends okay? It's not that I don't care about you, but it's different with Gerard. I mean - _fuck_ , I can see myself marrying him one day if we ever reached that point, I can't even imagine my life without him, and _yes_ \- I need you too, but it's not in the same way."

"Yeah - of course," Pete choked out, sounding much more upset than Frank had expected, but he didn't know what else to say to heal his friend's wounded emotions. "It's no big deal, just a suggestion - _um_...I've got to go, my mom's calling me," Pete stuttered awkwardly, ending the call before Frank had the chance to say anything else.

Frank stared down at his phone screen blankly, debating on if he should call his best friend back and try to smooth things over between them, but a part of him knew that it would be a pointless effort right now. Frank had vaguely been aware that Pete had cared for him a bit more than he had let on, but he had always buried that knowledge away instead of facing it head on, knowing that bringing it into the light would do nothing but damage the strong bond they had maintained for years.

But now Pete had finally voiced his affections aloud - or had he? Frank could simply be thinking too deeply into this, and Pete hadn't exactly said he wanted to be with Frank, just that he was willing to try if Frank wanted to. Pete had always been oddly protective over Frank, so maybe he had offered to be his boyfriend simply to save Frank from getting hurt again.

Pete had sounded so hurt at Frank's rejection though, but Frank didn't want to accept the fact that Pete was genuinely in love with him, it was too much for him to handle right now, so he would rather pretend that Pete had simply thought that he was doing Frank a favor, it was a much better conclusion than the other option in which Pete truly desired to be Frank's boyfriend.

Whatever the case was, Frank didn't want to ponder it any longer. He would talk to Pete tomorrow after he had calmed down, but for now, Frank wanted to try and salvage the remainders of his good mood that had been torn to shreds by Pete's reluctance to see Gerard in the same light Frank did.

And _yes_ \- Pete might be right in some aspects, but Pete didn't know Gerard, he didn't see the way he had taken care of Frank last night, or the soft sheen in his eyes whenever Frank would catch him staring at him. Pete might have Frank's best interests at heart, but Frank knew without a doubt that Gerard was what Frank needed right now, and hopefully with time, Pete would figure that out as well.


	28. Mend And Break

Frank didn't call Pete the next day, or the one after that, and before he even realized it, more than two weeks had passed him by without any contact between him and his best friend.

Frank didn't mean to ignore Pete for so long, and technically he wasn't given the fact that he hadn't reached out to him either, but _still_ \- Frank missed him, and no matter how furious his previous comments about Gerard had made him, Frank didn't want to throw fourteen years of friendship away over a petty fight, so he knew he had to fix this, he just wasn't sure how.

Life without Pete there as a constant pillar of support had quickly taken its toll on Frank, especially since his mother had experienced another episode during which she had mistaken Frank for his father, and without Pete's home to escape to, Frank had been left with nowhere to go.

Eventually he had made his way down to the restaurant he worked at and begged to pick up an extra shift, which they had allowed since Billie Joe had called in. Frank stayed until closing time, making his way to Brendon's pub after that, and thankfully the kind bar owner allowed him to crash on the couch in the back room for the night, which Frank was very grateful for, but it wasn't the same as spending the evening with Pete who always knew how to cheer him up after one of his mother's fits.

Frank had been tempted to reach out to Gerard instead of Brendon and Ryan, but he quickly rejected that idea, because Gerard still knew nothing of his mother's oddities, and Frank didn't want to burden the older man with his problems any more than he already had.

Gerard had been different as well since the night he had taken care of Frank and they had woken up in the same bed - not necessarily in a bad way, but it seemed as if he was constantly torn between regretting how affectionate he had been coupled with random bouts of time during which it appeared that he wanted to recreate the moments they had shared the other evening.

He had called Frank a few days after that, his intoxication made obvious by his slurred words and overly happy tone, erasing the burst of joy that had initially ensued when Frank saw that Gerard was actually reaching out to him for once, because as ecstatic as Frank was to hear from Gerard, he wished he felt the urge to do sober, that way Frank would know that Gerard truly wanted to speak with him without the influence of alcohol clouding his brain.

Frank had agreed to come over of course when Gerard asked it of him, because he would never turn down that offer regardless of Gerard's current state, but when he arrived at Gerard's apartment, the other man had apologized profusely for dragging him out so late, stating that he had made a mistake and Frank should just go home. When Frank refused, Gerard had become sullen and silent, eventually falling asleep on the couch and leaving Frank to walk home alone, confusion and hurt festering inside of him when he contemplated the distance that had appeared between them which Frank had hoped he would never have to experience again.

Frank had been dreading school the following morning, not wanting to be trapped in a classroom with Gerard for any period of time, but much to his surprise, once the final bell had released the students from classes, Gerard had asked him to stay behind under the pretense of helping him with his homework, and even though they did focus on the confusing topic of different clefts mostly, Gerard had been uncharacteristically touchy for the entire session, using any excuse to brush his hand against Frank's, leaning into his side when Frank was stuck on a particularly hard question, even wrapping his arms around Frank in a tight embrace that lasted much longer than they typically did when he had to leave.

Frank had been even more thrown off then, not that he didn't enjoy the unexpected bouts of tender gestures - he _lived_ for those instances in fact, but the random switches between the two were mind boggling and slightly startling. Frank was already constantly in fear of where he stood with Gerard at the moment, and now with these contrasting signals being sent his way, it was making everything worse instead of better like he had assumed it would.

It was too much all at once, Frank was exhausted and overworked and lonely, and he didn't have the motivation or the energy to fix everything that had gone wrong with his life, choosing to simply tread water instead of attempting to head for shore like he knew he would have to eventually before he could swim no longer and the ocean dragged him under.

He found himself pulling away from everyone as a sort of defensive mechanism, even Gerard, choosing to simply communicate with him through phone calls instead of begging to come over to his place every chance he got. He neglected visiting Brendon's bar after the night he had spent there as well, instead drinking at home if he even bothered with that. Alcohol hadn't been helping Frank forget as well as it used to, in fact, nothing really worked except keeping his mind as blank as possible while trying to focus on anything else besides his broken friendship and whatever the fuck he had going on with his teacher.

But Frank wasn't going to continue hiding away from everything and everyone today, even though the thought was definitely appealing, but Pete had sent him a short text not long after Frank had arrived home from school, which was the catalyst Frank had been waiting for, and now he had the motivation to force his deadened limbs into motion, bringing him closer to the metaphorical pier that was barely visible now that he had allowed himself to drift so far away from it.

_"I miss you, I'm sorry"_

The short line of script physically ripped Frank out of the mental bubble he had cocooned around his brain, making him regret his radio silence with his best friend, even though he wasn't entirely to blame here, but _still_ \- he hadn't put in any effort to smooth over the snag their friendship had hit, so he was as much at fault as Pete in this case, and he wasn't going to continue to act like the loss of Pete hadn't affected him at all, because it had - _so fucking much_ , and Frank just wanted him back, no matter how he felt about Frank's relationship with Gerard.

_"I miss you too, can I come over?"_

Pete replied to Frank almost instantly, saving Frank from waiting by the phone and worrying himself sick, which he had already managed to do in the few scant seconds it had taken him to type out his message, so he was grateful that he wasn't given the opportunity to work himself up into a full blown panic attack.

_"Please?"_

That was all Frank needed to see to have him tearing out the door, placing a note for his mother on the counter who was thankfully still at work. Lately she had been refusing to vacate the house unless she absolutely had to, leaving Frank to wrack his brain for ways to get her to go to her job every morning, and he had failed once or twice over the past few weeks.

Frank was beginning to worry that she would be fired soon, because he had no idea how much sick time she had left - if _any_ , but Frank wasn't going to dwell on that issue right now, he couldn't handle dealing with more than one thing at a time, and mending his relationship with Pete was currently his main priority.

Because they were going to fix this - they had to, any other outcome was unacceptable in Frank's mind. He needed Pete, he always had, and Frank couldn't imagine a world in which Pete wasn't his best friend or where they didn't speak on a regular basis, so Frank was going to do whatever it took to make sure the outcome of this visit was a positive one.

But as Frank drew closer to Pete's house, his optimistic outlook quickly began to dwindle into nothing, because he knew they needed to talk about what Pete had offered the last time they had spoken, no matter how much Frank would rather ignore it, but pushing it under the rug would only allow the confession to fester and grow until it became this monstrous thing that neither of them would be able to deal with.

Frank wasn't good with actually facing things like this head on though, he always ended up stumbling over his words, or saying the wrong thing, sometimes even going blank entirely, which was probably why he buried everything deep inside of himself in the hope that it would work itself out eventually without him ever having to do anything about it.

That obviously wasn't the best way of dealing with things though, especially not the fallout that had happened between him and Pete, because this new tension between them was caused by Frank in a way, it had sprung into existence because of his feelings for Gerard, and even though Frank would never apologize for that, he did need to let Pete know that he still mattered to him, and he always would, even if he and Gerard ended up together or not.

When Frank arrived at Pete's house, he was waiting for him on the front porch, his gaze cast downward at his shoes which were shifting back and forth nervously, increasing Frank's own anxiety by another notch. Using a supreme effort of will, Frank swallowed down the nerves that he hadn't felt around Pete since they were four, forcing his feet to keep moving even though they suddenly seemed to be tied down by invisible weights that caused each step to drag heavily.

"Hey," Frank spoke when Pete didn't immediately notice his close proximity, causing Pete's head to snap upward and a small smile to break out on his face.

"Frank," Pete sighed in relief, almost as if he had assumed that Frank wasn't going to show after all, not that he would ever do that to his best friend, but things were changing now, and the unshakable foundation of trust that they had built their relationship on was in danger of crumbling at any moment, which was a sensation that Frank despised with every fiber of his being, which was why he was doing his best to fill in the cracks before they became any larger.

Frank came to a halt in front of Pete, biting on his lower lip as he tried to think of something to say to clear the awkward aura in the air - _anything_ really, but Pete saved him the trouble of replying by enveloping him in a brief hug. The familiar feeling of being encased in Pete's arms allowed Frank to relax for the first time in ages, and much to his shock and embarrassment, he found himself on the verge of tears, his eyes stinging painfully as he buried his face in Pete's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," Pete murmured, his hold around Frank tightening briefly before he released Frank entirely, leaning back against the wall of the house while Frank quickly attempted to pull himself back together. "I never should have said what I did, I'm such an ass," Pete apologized, running his hands through his hair in agitation which had the dark strands sticking up every which way in a comical fashion.

"It's okay - I was a dick too, I don't know why I didn't call you sooner," Frank admitted, his heart lightening with every word he spoke when he realized that they might be okay again. "Things have just spiraled out of control lately, and I'm not dealing with it well, but I shouldn't have cut you out, I'm not even mad anymore."

"No - I understand, I mean, I deserved it honestly, and I'm surprised your even here now." Pete paused when Frank shivered suddenly, the cold October air affecting him since he hadn't had the foresight to grab a jacket before leaving for Pete's house. "Come on, let's go inside," Pete offered, opening up the door when Frank nodded gratefully.

Frank followed silently behind Pete as they ascended the stairs leading to his room, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he went, trying to stabilize his internal equilibrium which was still slightly off even though he and Pete seemed to be on good terms now, but they still needed to talk about Pete's confession, and Frank knew that as soon as they stopped moving, he had to bring it up before he lost the courage to do so completely.

" _So_..." Frank made himself speak up once Pete had seated himself on his bed, patting the spot next to him which Frank took, his spine rigid and unmoving as he perched himself on the edge of the mattress, "about what you said before - the _uh_ , I mean, the whole dating you thing," Frank managed to stammer out, his eyes glued down at his hands so he wouldn't have to maintain eye contact with Pete, "was that just to help me out, or do you like _actually_ want to be with me, because you know I care about you, but not romantically, and I just wanted to make sure that you weren't upset about that or whatever," Frank spit out all at once, finally raising his head so he could see if Pete had managed to decipher his mangled sentence, which it appeared he had if the deep flush staining his cheeks meant anything at all.

" _Oh_ \- that." Pete released a high pitched giggle that was laced with nerves, the harsh sound grating on Frank's ears, causing him to hunch inward on himself as if that would lessen the vibrations somehow. "I mean, I do want to be there for you any way I can, and I wasn't really thinking clearly that day, but _no_ \- I'm not secretly in love with you or anything, we're just friend, and I get that, even though I wouldn't say no to being your boyfriend, but just because we are so close you know?" Pete sighed loudly then, collapsing back against his mattress while flinging his arm over his face. "Does that make any sense? I know I shouldn't have offered, it wasn't cool of me, especially when I know that you're crazy about Gerard. I guess I just wanted you to know that you don't have to look for affection from other men all the time and I'm here if you ever need someone."

"I do know that Pete," Frank assured him, allowing his posture to unwind until he was pressed up against Pete's side. "You're my best friend, and I do love you, you know that, but our relationship is perfect the way it is. This whole thing we have going on has been so helpful to me, and it's not like I'm not attracted to you or whatever, it's just different with Gerard, and now that my birthday is coming up soon, I can't fuck up again, but you'll always be my best friend okay?"

"Yeah, course, that's all I've ever wanted." Pete smiled up at Frank, and even if his tone sounded a bit choked with what Frank guessed were suppressed emotions, Frank chalked them up to the fact that Pete had been worried that he had lost Frank forever, Frank could definitely vouch for his own overwhelming relief now that everything had fallen into place again, so it made sense. "Can we just forget this whole fight ever happened and go back to how we used to be?"

"That depends on if you have any food I can steal." Frank grinned cheekily, earning himself a loud laugh from his best friend that held none of the anxious energy from before.

"I'm pretty sure my mom's bringing subway home, I'll text her to get you something," Pete replied, pulling out his phone as Frank hummed happily at the prospect of a sandwich that contained something besides discount meat which was all he could afford half of the time. "Want to watch something until she gets here, I recorded the new episodes of Criminal Minds since I know you don't have cable."

"Oh fuck yes, I've been wanting to catch up on that show," Frank nodded eagerly, moving over slightly so Pete could begin searching for the remote.

And although Frank still had a sinking feeling in his gut that Pete wasn't being entirely honest with him about his feelings, and that he might care for Frank more than he was letting on, Frank forced himself to ignore his misgivings, because it had to be just a phase. Pete would move on eventually when he met someone else he was interested in, and he was probably just thrown off now that Frank had actually found someone he truly cared about instead of his usual string of men that he only spent one night with.

Frank would most likely have reacted in a similar fashion if Pete had announced that he had a boyfriend first, and Frank knew if he were in Pete's position, he wouldn't want to be constantly pestered about his emotions. Pete would work it out in his own time, and as long as it didn't affect their friendship any more than it already had, Frank was perfectly happy pretending that everything was fine, because it _was_. Pete was feeling lost and confused right now, so it wasn't unnatural for him to latch onto Frank, but once the newness of his relationship with Gerard had worn off, Frank was confident that Pete would forget about this entirely and they would be able to laugh about it further down the line.

~~~

After his success with Pete, Frank found himself oddly optimistic when faced with the prospect of school the next day, he even went so far as to wake up early and finish all of his chores, managing to get his mother functioning and on her way to work with very little effort on his end, leaving Frank relieved and with more time on his hands than he was usually granted in the mornings.

Frank decided to walk to school instead of taking the bus, enjoying the crisp air that always came with early October, his entire body feeling lighter than it had in weeks now that he and Pete were officially okay again.

They had spent the entire afternoon together watching television before his mother arrived home with dinner, and the simple act of sitting down and eating with a group of people who actually loved and cared for each other and were willing to include Frank into their lives had been a soothing balm to the invisible wounds Frank had been suffering from over the past few weeks.

Frank arrived at the front gates of the school just as they were being opened, which meant he was much earlier than he had intended on being, but the free time didn't bother him, in fact, he was grateful for the added hour he was given to prepare himself for the oncoming day since he hadn't finished all of his english reading last night given the fact that he was busy with Pete.

Frank turned his feet to what was known as the smoking area, even though students were technically forbidden from having cigarettes on them, but some of the seniors had found a small spot off to the left of the teacher parking lot where no one could see them partake in the illegal activity.

Frank hadn't spent much time there this year, mostly because he hadn't had the funds to purchase the expensive sticks lately, but Billie Joe had given him a pack the other day as thanks for unintentionally covering his shift. Apparently their manager had decided not to write him up for calling in since they hadn't been shorthanded with Frank on the staff, and Billie Joe was about two more documentations away from being fired, so Frank had taken the gift eagerly.

Spreading out on the slightly icy ground, Frank wrapped his jacket closer around himself before grabbing his lighter and igniting the end of his cigarette, taking measured drags while trying to focus on the dull book in front of him. He had heard rumors about how tedious Great Expectations was from other students, but none of their warnings had prepared him for how much he was going to dislike the novel, and if finishing it wasn't a major part of his grade, he would have burned the thing ages ago.

Barely fifteen minutes later, just when Frank was finally starting to be able to focus on the words which had been blurring before his eyes after every few sentences, the sound of a car engine shattered his peaceful solitude. Frank sat up slightly, stubbing out the end of his cigarette before moving closer to the entrance of his small hideaway, trying to make sure that whatever teacher had pulled up wouldn't wander in his direction and catch him in the act of smoking.

Frank's breath hitched in his throat when he spied a familiar vehicle, and even though Frank shouldn't have been surprised to see Gerard's dark sedan given the fact that he did work here, he hadn't been expecting the older man to be here this soon. Gerard typically showed up at the last possible minute due to his love for sleep, and his unexpected appearance had all thoughts of his english homework evaporating in a puff of smoke as Frank waited for Gerard himself to emerge from the car.

A part of Frank ached to rush out and greet Gerard, even though he knew that was a terrible idea, they were still at school after all, and no matter the hour, someone could see them, but that didn't stop the surge of longing from wrapping itself around Frank's chest so tightly he thought he might suffocate if he didn't do something to alleviate it.

After what seemed like ages to Frank but what was probably barely a minute, Gerard finally made an appearance, but Frank was no longer elated when he got a good glimpse of the older man, because _fuck_ \- he looked awful. Even with the distance separating them, Frank could tell that Gerard had been drinking; his hair was unkempt and greasy, his posture was stooped, he was visibly unsteady on his feet and Frank was pretty certain he had seen Gerard wearing that exact same outfit when he had caught sight of him in the halls yesterday.

So although Frank hadn't been planning on making his presence known to Gerard, his feet began moving without any conscience decision on his part, rushing him to Gerard's side before he could stop himself. Frank was well aware that what he was doing was dangerous, but his concern for Gerard had overridden all of his practical fears, and the only thing he cared about right now was making sure that Gerard was okay even though it was obvious that he was anything but.

"Gerard," Frank hissed once he was within earshot, his eyes darting around quickly to make sure that they were still alone, which thankfully they were.

"Frank - _hey_ ," Gerard exclaimed much too loudly, leaving Frank wincing when he heard the pronounced slur to his words coupled with the rank stench of alcohol on his breath.

Now that he was closer to Gerard, he realized that there was no way he could let Gerard into the school like this. His eyes were unfocused and bloodshot, not to mention he smelled like a bar, and even though Gerard had taught slightly inebriated before, it had never been this bad, and Frank had only caught onto it because he knew the older man so well, but Gerard wouldn't be able to hide his intoxication today.

"What do you think you're doing Gerard, _hell_ \- how did you even drive here without crashing?" Frank questioned, agitation lacing his tone, lending it a harsh sheen that had Gerard reeling with the force of it.

Frank didn't mean to be so harsh with the older man, but he couldn't help himself. Gerard was drunk - borderline _wasted_ actually, and just the thought of him being in a wreck had Frank shaking slightly, because he could have died, or at least been seriously injured, and the fact that he didn't seem at all worried about that had Frank furious and petrified all at once.

"I - I've got work, I'm your teacher, remember Frank," Gerard explained, his body swaying slightly from side to side before he leaned back against the hood of his car heavily. "That's why we had to break up...I'm - _wait_ , is it the weekend? No...you wouldn't be here if it was, right Frankie?"

"Shit," Frank cursed weakly, knowing that the other faculty members would be arriving at any minute now, leaving him with a very small window with which to get Gerard out of here before someone noticed his appalling state. "Get in the car okay? Just sit down, I'm going to call Mikey so he can come get you."

" _No_ ," Gerard protested vehemently, "he's going to be mad at me, please Frank?" Gerard begged, but he did allow Frank to open the door to his vehicle and guide him inside forcibly.

"He won't be upset Gerard, but you can't be here right now, and there's no way in hell I'm letting you drive home either," Frank stated sternly, digging his phone out of his pocket before dialing Mikey's number quickly.

But much to Frank's dismay, Mikey didn't pick up, and after the third attempt, Frank realized that he was going to have to get Gerard back to his apartment safely on his own, which would be an absence his mother was sure to question once she noticed it, because even if he went straight back to school after he dropped Gerard off, he would miss part of first period for sure, but _still_ \- Gerard's wellbeing was the important thing here, and Frank would do anything to help him, including skipping a class or two.

"He's not home," Gerard mumbled quietly, forcing Frank to strain his ears to pick up on his quiet words, "I can't remember where he went, but he's been out since last night."

"Okay," Frank sighed, giving up on his hope that Mikey would be able to watch Gerard once Frank got him back to his apartment, leaving that to Frank as well, because he didn't feel comfortable abandoning Gerard without some form of supervision right now. "Stay there okay," Frank ordered, quickly sprinting back toward his things which he had left in his original spot, stuffing everything into his backpack before returning to Gerard's vehicle as quickly as possible, heaving a sigh of relief when he found Gerard exactly where he had left him. "I'm going to take you to your place," Frank answered the questioning look Gerard shot him, but when Gerard still didn't move out of the driver's seat, Frank had to physically help him up, placing him in the back since Gerard didn't seem inclined to walk around to the passenger's side. "Are you going to be sick?" Frank queried when he caught sight of Gerard's unnatural pallor, not wanting to let him throw up in the parking lot which was sure to be full of witnesses within minutes, but also not liking the idea of him doing it on the upholstery.

"No," Gerard groaned miserably, his eyes watering up suddenly when Frank started to move away. "Are you mad at me too Frankie?"

"No Gerard, no one is mad at you," Frank sighed, forcing himself to get in the car and start the engine even though he wanted to take a moment to comfort the visibly distressed Gerard, but they couldn't afford another delay. "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm sorry," Gerard wailed, the choked quality to his voice alluding to tears on the way. "I was trying so hard to be good, I swear."

"Just lay down, we can talk more later." Frank tried to nail a soothing tone, and surprisingly enough, Gerard listened to him, stretching out across the seats as Frank exited the parking lot, the soft sniffles he emitted every few seconds breaking Frank's heart even though he knew Gerard was just drunk and he had worked himself into a state for no good reason.

The drive home went well relatively speaking; Gerard didn't get sick at least, and even though a few teachers had started to arrive while Frank was leaving the school, no one had witnessed Gerard or Frank's short discussion, but another problem made itself known to Frank while he waited at a red light that seemed to last for ages even though no one was coming for the opposite direction.

Gerard needed to call in sick to work, or at least Frank assumed he did given the fact that the school would have to find a substitute to teach his class, but Gerard was in no condition to have that conversation right now, so Frank now had another thing he would have to do to make sure Gerard didn't suffer any repercussions from his irresponsible actions.

But first, Frank had to get Gerard inside, which was going to be easier said than done. Gerard remained curled up in the back when Frank stopped the car, his unsteady breathing and the way that his hands clenched together roughly were the only signs that he was still conscious.

"Gerard, we're here, you gotta get up okay?"

"I don't want to go in there," Gerard whispered, his body inching as far away from Frank as it could get when Frank pulled his door open wider.

"Why not?" Frank questioned, completely confused by how emotional Gerard was being, not that it was unusual for Gerard to become overdramatic when he was drunk, but Frank didn't understand why he was so reluctant to go into his home which was a place he rarely wanted to leave at any other time.

"I told you," Gerard huffed angrily, "I'm trying to be good - I'm trying _so_ _fucking_ _hard_ , but if I go in there, I won't be able to - I just...I don't want to be alone. Please don't make me do this Frank," Gerard pleaded, finally maintaining eye contact with Frank, and the pure desolation he could see in Gerard's irises physically pained him, making him want to hold Gerard close until whatever was eating away at him relinquished its hold on him, but he had to get them behind closed doors first.

"You won't be, I'm going to stay with you...if that's okay?" Frank asked, holding his hand out to Gerard in a silent invitation that he was praying Gerard would accept.

"You promise you won't leave me?" Gerard queried shakily, his gaze dancing between Frank's face and his outstretched palms numerous times as he waited for Frank's answer.

"I swear, I'm not going anywhere until Mikey comes back."

"Okay..." Gerard agreed reluctantly, lacing his fingers with Frank's before allowing Frank to tug him to his feet.

Much to Frank's relief, Gerard managed to walk up to his floor on his own, only leaning on Frank when they reached the steep set of stairs that preceded his door. Frank kept a close eye on Gerard the entire time, checking for any signs that he was going to be ill or stumble, but his color was slowly returning to his face, and even though he was still intoxicated, he didn't seem to be in as bad as shape as Frank had originally thought, but he still shouldn't have been behind the wheel, or at school for that matter.

"Gerard, do you have your phone on you?" Frank asked once they had successfully made it inside of his apartment, hoping that the older man had the number to the school saved in it or else he would have to find it another way, and he couldn't remember if he had the contact in his own list or not.

"Yeah, it's...uh - here." Gerard shifted around awkwardly for a few moments until he emerged with the device, placing it in Frank's hand before flopping down onto the couch with a soft grunt.

Frank opened the phone quickly, finding the school's number saved under work, and after a few deep breaths coupled with a mental recitation of what he was going to say, he pressed the send button with shaking fingers, hoping he could bullshit his way through this easily so he could return his entire focus to Gerard.

Frank barely waited for the secretary who answered the call to begin speaking before his mouth was moving, spitting out the cover story he had concocted stating that Gerard had a stomach virus and he wouldn't be able to come in today, claiming he was Mikey and Gerard was too sick to come to make the call himself. Much to Frank's relief, the woman bought his explanation instantly, not bothering to question him further, simply informing him to call back when Gerard knew if he would be able to make it into work tomorrow or not.

"Gerard," Frank turned to face the older man who had by this point buried his face into the cushions, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder until Gerard looked up at him groggily, "I called into work for you."

"Thanks," Gerard mumbled quietly, "I'm sorry, I was going to go in, but I guess I didn't..." Gerard's brow crinkled in confusion, and Frank realized that he was so inebriated that he didn't recall Frank bringing him home, which was a worrisome sign, but hopefully a few hours of sleep would sufficiently clear his head.

"Let's get you into bed okay?" Frank gestured to Gerard's room, earning himself a halfhearted shrug from the other man, but he did drag himself to his feet slowly, following behind Frank reluctantly the entire way.

"Why don't you change into something more comfortable while I grab you some water," Frank offered, but the second he turned in the direction of the hallway, Gerard whimpered softly, his fingers curling around Frank's wrist in a tight grip that Frank wasn't able to easily break free from. "Hey, what's wrong?" Frank whispered, his hand moving up to stroke Gerard's cheek on its own accord, and thankfully, Gerard leaned into touch instead of flinching away like Frank half expected him to.

"You said you would stay."

"And I am, but you need something to drink," Frank tried to reason with him, but when Gerard only scooted closer to Frank, he gave up on that endeavor entirely, allowing Gerard to come with him instead of wasting his energy arguing with him. "So...why did you get so drunk last night?" Frank dared to ask as they walked, because he knew that Gerard had taken to the bottle more often lately, but this was extreme, even for him, and Frank was desperate to know if something had happened to set off his binge drinking, even though he wasn't sure if he would receive a coherent answer until Gerard had sobered up a bit.

"I told you...didn't I?" Gerard shook his head in a perplexed manner, his expression looking lost and adrift as he peered down at the glass Frank had placed in his hands filled with tap water he had gotten from the kitchen sink.

"No...you just said you were trying to be good," Frank reminded him, the meaning of which was still eluding him, but if Gerard's idea of good meant getting wasted and then attempting to teach class, his priorities were obviously skewed even more than Frank had originally thought.

"I - _fuck_ Frank," Gerard groaned, his eyes welling up with another round of tears before he ducked his head to hide his face, "I wanted to hurt myself again, so I stayed out, I didn't go home, because if I had, I would have done it - I know I would have, but I didn't want you to find out, because I know it upsets you, not to mention Mikey, and I - I don't want to do it either, but for some reason, I couldn't get it out of my head, so I went to a bar, I fucking slept in my car, I did everything I could to stay away from my blades, but now I'm back here again, and the urge is still there. Is it every going to go away Frank, will this ever stop?"

"Oh Gerard," Frank choked out, wrapping his arms around the older man's waist before pulling him against his torso gently, running his hands through his hair in the way he remembered that Gerard used to love back when he was allowed to touch him like this. "I can't say for sure, but drinking isn't a good substitute. You could have died being out on the road in that state, and if that had happened, I - I don't know what I would have done."

"I didn't mean for it to go so far...but it did - I fucked up again didn't I?" Gerard burrowed deeper into Frank's hold, and Frank could feel a few tears slip down his cheeks, the warm liquid tickling his neck before it was absorbed by the fabric of his shirt.

"No...you were trying, but you know you could have called me, I would have stayed the night with you or something if you had asked." Frank made sure to keep his tone kind and accusation free, not wanting to upset Gerard any further, but he also couldn't pretend that he condoned Gerard's methods of coping, because they were both dangerous, and Frank didn't want to lose Gerard to either of his vices.

"You don't understand Frank," Gerard hiccupped, ignoring the soothing noises Frank was making, choosing to keep speaking instead. "I wanted to call you, I want you here all the fucking time, because you do help - _fuck_ , you help so much. I was in such a bad place before you showed up, and I know it's ridiculous to say you magically fixed everything, because you didn't - _not_ _really_ , but you gave me hope, you were a reason to get up in the morning and to try to be a better person, and that's what I needed. I always pretend to be strong for Mikey, but it was different with you, easier I guess...I don't know, but now I'm falling again, and I don't know how to stop myself. It's not just the fact that I don't have you anymore, it's this job, it's trying to pretend I'm fine for eight hours a day when I'm breaking to pieces inside, it's watching Mikey destroy himself when I want to be doing the same thing, and I know I can turn to you, but at the same time, seeing you is a reminder of when I was at my happiest, and somehow being faced with that prospect makes everything hurt even more."

"Gerard..." Frank didn't know what to say, because words weren't good enough, they wouldn't fix the way Gerard was feeling, they would do nothing besides fill the empty air for a few more moments, and even if Gerard was drunk, even if he wouldn't remember this tomorrow, Frank wasn't going to fill his head with empty promises, he wasn't that cruel.

"I'm sorry, I'm not making sense, and I'm trying to keep my head above water, but it's so hard. I miss you so fucking much, and I keep trying to remind myself that we only have two more weeks to wait, but each day seems like years, and even then I can't tell anyone about you, I won't be able to take you out on proper dates, and you deserve that Frank, you deserve the fucking world, and I don't think I can give that to you."

"I don't want the world," Frank sniffled quietly, his own eyes burning heavily as he clutched Gerard as tightly to him as he could, "I only want you, that's more than enough."

Gerard started again crying then, his soft sobs shaking his body as he leaned heavily against Frank. Frank tried to calm him down, allowing their entwined forms to sink to the cold tile floor as his own tears joined Gerard's, his heart aching in his chest as he attempted to provide the older man with the comfort of his touch, wishing that the simple act could erase the sorrow weighing Gerard down but knowing that his wounds were too deep to heal so quickly.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Gerard kept repeating, the statement emerging muffled and slurred more often than not, but no matter how many times Frank told Gerard that he had nothing to apologize for, Gerard would only shake his head before saying the same phrase over and over again.

And even though Frank knew that this moment would pass, and Gerard would most likely recall very little of his breakdown in the morning, Frank couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't only their relationship that was at risk of being permanently damaged, but Gerard as well.

Frank didn't care how much baggage Gerard carried with him, but seeing the older man this vulnerable scared Frank, because he wasn't whole either - _not even close_ , and he was terrified that they wouldn't be able to hold each other together long enough for the two of them to mend, but that didn't mean that he wasn't going to try, even if he failed, he wasn't going to give up on Gerard - not now, not _ever_.


	29. Scotch Tape And A Smattering Of Glue

Frank eventually managed to get Gerard into bed, curling up next to him so Gerard would know he was still there even in his sleep, because he wasn't going to break his promise, he was going to stay with Gerard for as long as possible, and _really_ \- there was nowhere else he'd rather be, even if Gerard wasn't in such a state.

Gerard had cried for what felt like hours earlier, and as much as the expulsion of sorrow had hurt Frank to witness - _fuck_ , it had practically ripped him to shreds inside, he sensed that Gerard had needed to lose control, to completely expunge the pain and misery he kept bottled up inside him in the form of tears, so Frank had let him weep, whispering soothing nonsense the entire time until Gerard had tired himself out.

Finally, Gerard had calmed down enough to drink some water and get changed, allowing Frank to lead him into bed without a single word of protest. Gerard had refused to relinquish his hold on Frank the entire time though, even going so far as to keep a tight grasp on Frank's wrist while brushing his teeth, but Frank didn't try to pull away either, in fact, he sort of loved the way Gerard wanted to be touching him at all times, even though he knew it was out of fear of being left alone and not actually any desire for physical affection.

Now Gerard was sleeping peacefully, his larger frame wrapped around Frank's as he combed his hand through his hair idly. Mikey still hadn't returned, but Frank was almost thankful for that. It gave him an excuse to stay, even though his unexplained absence would most likely get him into trouble with his mother at a later date, but that didn't matter to Frank right now - nothing did besides Gerard.

Gerard needed Frank right now, so Frank wasn't going to abandon him, and honestly, Frank needed this too, maybe not as badly as Gerard did, but _still_ \- the simple pressure of his touch was like a healing balm to the jagged edges of his heart that had been grating at his internal organs roughly, sometimes gently, other times so strongly that Frank didn't know if he could stand the agony.

Frank had been trying so hard to pretend that everything was fine, because it was - _mostly_. He and Pete were friends again, his mother hadn't gotten noticeably worse, and although he missed the relationship he and Gerard had shared, he was learning to function without it.

Gerard still cared for him after all, he knew that now, even though the dark part of his mind that seemed like his own worst enemy personified was hell bent on convincing him differently, but after all this time, Gerard was still waiting for him, in fact - they had almost made it until his birthday.

It was only two more weeks until Frank turned eighteen, and although dating his teacher was still illegal, it would work out, Frank had to put faith in that. They would be discrete, and soon enough he would graduate, which would relieve all of the pressures society had forced onto their shoulders, if something else didn't go wrong before then that is.

But even though things were finally beginning to look up for Frank, he wasn't happy - _hell_ , he didn't even think he was content. He tried to bury his misery in work, or school, or anything really, but now that Frank was given a period of calm in which to think, he began to realize that he was just as fucked up as he had always been, maybe even more so given the stress of current events.

In the past, all he had to worry about was his mother and his absent father, which had been almost more than Frank could handle. Now he had whatever existed between him and Gerard added to his plate, coupled with the awkwardness that now resided in his bond with Pete, and even though Frank prayed that everything would work itself out eventually, he was so fucking terrified that he was going to break before that happened.

Frank was _hurting_ , he didn't know how else to describe it. There was a constant ache in the center of his chest now, even in moments like these when Gerard was pressed against his side and he should have been enjoying the calm serenity of the early morning.

Frank had originally thought the pain had been caused by Gerard leaving him when he discovered his age, that was when he first began to truly notice it, but even now that they had smoothed things out the best that they could given their circumstances, the heaviness was still there, like a stone had lodged itself inside of Frank's ribcage and he had no way to remove it without cracking his sternum wide open.

Being with Gerard helped though, it always did. It quieted his mind and gave him something else to focus on, the soft sparks that Frank still felt whenever they touched disrupted the negative ball of energy until Frank could almost pretend like it didn't exist, but it never failed to return, and Frank was beginning to wonder if it would ever go away.

Realistically he knew that he was most likely depressed, and the only way to truly heal this ailment would be with pills or therapy, but he didn't have the money for that, or the will to seek it out. His own wellbeing wasn't his top priority right now, and if he couldn't even convince his own mother to get help for herself, there was no way in hell he would be able to talk her into sending him to a doctor either.

It would get better though - it _had_ to. Frank had it under control, and when he thought about it, he hadn't been acting nearly as destructive as he had previously besides the occasional nights of binge drinking, but now he wasn't searching for validation in other men, and he hadn't even been spending that much time at the bar. Lately he had been turning to Pete, or Brendon and Ryan, sometimes even Gerard in an attempt to stop himself from doing something stupid he would regret later on, and that progress had to mean something right?

Frank didn't know for sure, and deep down, he really didn't care. His mental health was something that he had always been unsure of, but pondering over it was doing nothing but bringing him down even more than he already was, and he didn't want to make himself upset right now, not when Gerard was in a much more fragile state than he was.

Frank wondered if what Gerard felt when he wanted to hurt himself was similar to what Frank was experiencing, or if it was an entirely different set of emotions. He had never desired to take a blade to his skin, not understanding how physical pain could soothe emotional agony, but occasionally, he wondered about it. When he had first discovered that Gerard was his teacher, Frank remembered wanting to hurt, thinking that he deserved it, but it had been a fleeting thing, not something he would have ever actually gone through with.

Frank couldn't imagine Gerard feeling as awful as he had that day, he wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially not him, but apparently he had - he _still_ did, and Frank hated that fact. If only he could do more for him, he wanted to fix him, but Frank knew that was something Gerard would have to do for himself, and if anything, Frank would be nothing more than a helping hand to ease along the process.

Frank would probably hinder Gerard's recovery more than anything though, despite his promises that said the exact opposite. Frank had hoped that he could be a friend that Gerard could turn to in times of need if not his boyfriend, but that hadn't happened last night when Gerard had chosen to spend his entire evening at a bar without once calling Frank.

It scared Frank to think of Gerard out on his own and wanting to rip into his own skin, of him drinking until he couldn't think anymore in the hopes of escaping himself, and although Frank was proud of Gerard for resisting his compulsion to self-harm, he didn't approve of the methods he had chosen, because they could kill him just as easily as a misplaced blade. Frank wanted to be a safe haven Gerard could turn to in times like that, but he knew he couldn't always be there, no matter how badly he wanted to.

That didn't mean that Frank was bitter about Gerard's choice to deal with his urges on his own, how could he be? He understood what it was like to constantly want to be around Gerard but also to be fearful of wearing out his questionable welcome, he knew how bittersweet it was to spend time with the man that he had once been able to kiss and adore without fear of any repercussions, and having that taking away warped the calming effects they had once found within each other, whether they wanted them to or not.

That was going to change though, they would be able to go back to the way things were, or close at least, and that was all that Frank had to left to look forward to lately. He knew that placing so much significance in Gerard was dangerous, because he was unstable and unsure at the best of times, but Frank didn't care.

Gerard was the best thing to happen to Frank in ages, so even though their situation was fucked up, and it seemed like the odds were stacked against them, Frank had hope in a happy ending. Why else would the world have brought them together the way it did, why would he have such a strong attraction to Gerard from the second he met him if they weren't destined to be together?

Frank loved Gerard, he could say that for certain now when he gazed down at his peaceful face, and _yes_ \- Frank had never experienced that particular emotion before, but he could think of no other term to label the overflowing well of affection he carried for the man sleeping next to him. It had to be love, otherwise he wouldn't still be here risking both of their futures for a chance at maintaining a relationship with him.

Frank was aware that most people would tell him that this was a fleeting thing, and that all seventeen year olds believe that they are going to stay with their first boyfriend forever, but Frank knew this was different. Gerard was _special_ , and he seemed to reciprocate everything Frank felt for him and then some. Frank wasn't sure if Gerard loved him yet, or if he ever would, but he _cared_ , and that was more than Frank had ever expected to get when they shared that first night together.

 _Still_ \- the future was a scary thing to Frank, it always had been, mostly because he had nothing to look forward to besides escaping the structure that was the American school system, but now Frank had a person who made waking up seem worth it, or he would soon, but in a way, that almost made everything a thousand times more terrifying.

Frank had told Pete that he could see himself marrying Gerard, and that wasn't a lie, but it could very well be wishful thinking. Gerard might never want to take that step, or he might eventually tire of Frank, but those fears were insignificant compared to the sensations Frank was feeling right now when Gerard sighed softly and burrowed closer against Frank's side.

Frank knew then and there that Gerard was worth everything he had suffered through and more, and even if this ended in tragedy, that was a chance that Frank was willing to take. He had never experienced these emotions with anyone else, so teenage romance or not, Frank wasn't going to allow himself to be deterred. The benefits outweighed the risks in his mind at least, and no matter how broken, or how illegal their relationship was, it made Frank happy.

He and Gerard might be held together by fragile pieces of scotch tape and a smattering of glue right now, but it gave them a chance to sew themselves together, to find the shards of their shattered lives and make a new one from the wreckage. It wasn't an impossible dream, _unlikely_ yes - but doable, and Frank was done hiding, of avoiding the things that pained him, because during the hour or so he and spent in silent contemplation, the ache in his chest had begun to lessen slightly, and that was a sign to Frank that for once, he was doing the right thing by sticking this out when most people would have given up long ago.

Having reached a mostly pleasant conclusion to his drawn out train of thought, Frank allowed his body to relax, the knots of tension that had been plaguing him ever since he first saw Gerard in the parking lot finally unwinding as he stretched out next to Gerard, daring to place a soft kiss to the crown of his head before he settled down with a tired sigh.

~~~

Frank hadn't meant to fall asleep, not wanting to miss it if Gerard awoke, but apparently his body had other ideas. Frank wasn't sure how long he had spent dozing, but he felt significantly more rested than he had when he had initially drifted off, so he would guess that a few hours had passed since he had arrived at Gerard's place.

Frank sighed happily under his breath once he made sure that Gerard was still sleeping peacefully with a quick glance to his right, enjoying the warmth Gerard provided almost as much as his presence next to him. Frank would give up all of his worldly possessions to be able to wake up this way every day, and even if he was blessed enough to have that happen to him, Frank didn't think he would ever tire of it.

Frank carefully pulled his phone out of his pocket a few seconds later, grateful to see that he had no missed calls from his mother just yet. There was a text from Mikey asking if everything was all right coupled with an apology for not answering earlier that had been sent about fifteen minutes ago, to which Frank replied with a short explanation and a promise that he had the situation under control now.

Frank placed his phone on the bedside dresser once he was finished going through his messages, turning his attention to Gerard instead of the outside world. The older man looked much better than he had this morning, although it was hard to judge his state without him being awake. He was breathing deeply at least, his eyelashes fluttering faintly and his mouth slightly ajar in a manner that Frank found ridiculously endearing.

"Frankie?" Gerard groaned softly when Frank moved his arm so he could rub at his eyes lazily, and although Frank cursed himself for unintentionally disturbing the older man, he instantly felt his lips twitch into a smile when Gerard didn't pull away from him, the gesture seeming to radiate deep inside of him until his earlier pain became a distant memory.

It wasn't lost on Frank how the once hated nickname had become a treasured thing whenever Gerard uttered it, in fact - he almost looked forward to the term of endearment now since it carried memories of Gerard with it instead of only painful recollections involving happier days with his father.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" Frank whispered softly, not wanting to aggravate the hangover that Gerard most likely had, keeping himself still as if any sudden movements would startle Gerard and ruin the peaceful moment.

"You stayed," Gerard murmured instead of answering Frank's question, and he sounded so grateful for that fact, even though leaving had never been an option in Frank's head, which he had assumed Gerard knew as well.

"I said that I would," Frank shrugged, downplaying his actions unconsciously, because it was second nature for him to protect Gerard however he could, and he would have done much more than drive him home and kept him company if that meant ensuring his safety.

"I keep forgetting how wonderful you are," Gerard chuckled softly, a faint blush staining his cheeks before he ducked his head down, hiding his features from Frank's steady gaze.

Frank had to pause for a moment, his throat clenching tightly as an unexpected round of tears filled his eyes. He refused to let them fall though, because he had no reason to be getting so emotional over a simple sentence, swallowing them away with a supreme effort of will that left him feeling dizzy and lightheaded.

Gerard's words had struck Frank harder than they should, but _fuck_ \- it was so rare that Gerard was like this with him anymore, and Frank was weakened by the distance between them, desperate for any compliment or affection from the older man who could bring him to his knees with nothing more than an off handed comment.

It wasn't as if Gerard was ever cruel to him, but typically he was aloof unless Frank was intoxicated or he was, and the last time he had been this kind to Frank was when he had gotten sick after Mikey had brought him back to his and Gerard's place, which seemed to have happened years ago although in reality it had only been a few weeks since that night.

"You needed me," Frank finally managed to reply, shifting his position so that he could sit up with his back propped against the headboard as he spoke, "and I'm always going to be there when you do."

"You don't know how much that means to me," Gerard admitted quietly, and maybe Frank imagined it, but it seemed as if he scooted closer to Frank as he spoke. "Still - I'm sorry you had to see me that way, I should never have gone to work, or even had that much to drink in the first place, but I obviously wasn't thinking clearly, and I owe you a hell of a lot for getting me out of there when you did, and also for not leaving me alone."

"I'm just glad that I was the one to find you - _fuck_ ," Frank cursed weakly, vivid images of what could have happened if Frank hadn't spotted Gerard when he did flashing across his mind, involving everything from violent car crashes to him being fired for his deplorable condition flickering behind his lids when he closed his eyes briefly. "I don't know what I would have done if you had gotten hurt."

"I know - it was stupid of me, but I didn't know how else to cope..." Gerard trailed off into silence, his hand finding Frank's underneath the tangled covers, and when he linked their fingers together loosely, Frank swore his lungs seized to function for a brief moment, his bodily functions disrupted by the jolt of adulation that fired throughout every one of his nerve endings. "I think I need help Frank."

"Yeah?" Frank questioned warily, aware that they were treading on dangerous ground at the movement. Mikey had warned him that Gerard hated talking about anything involving his addictions and illnesses, but this time Gerard had brought it up, and he was peering at Frank with such a hopeful expression that Frank couldn't find it within himself to be fearful of him. "In what way?"

"I - I just want to be better, like maybe take my pills how I'm supposed to and not drink as much you know?" Gerard shrugged helplessly, his grip on Frank's hand tightening by a small fraction. "I don't think I can do it by myself though, I'll need Mikey to get after me about it...and you, if you're up for that."

"Of course I am," Frank responded instantly, his heart fluttering erratically when Gerard began rubbing his thumb over the pulse point in his wrist idly. "I just want you to be happy, I hate seeing you this way."

"Thank you," Gerard exhaled heavily, his eyes drifting shut as he leaned back against the pillow. "Don't get upset with me if I don't keep to it though."

"I won't, and at least you're trying, I'm proud of you for that."

"I've attempted this before, and... _well_ , you can see how that worked out," Gerard chuckled wryly, but Frank didn't miss the hint of sadness to his tone, and he hated the way Gerard was already anticipating his failure, even though he also related to him as well.

"No one expects you to be perfect Gerard," Frank reminded him, biting his lip to prevent himself from babbling on about how he would always be perfect in his eyes no matter what, of how much he loved him despite all of his problems, but that was too much, too heavy, too _soon_. Frank had only just truly come to accept his feelings recently, and he was nowhere near ready to voice them aloud yet.

"I know, but I do need to calm down a bit. I haven't been this bad in a while, not since...the band." Gerard cleared his throat roughly, his eyes dancing away from Frank's when he tried to meet his gaze, leaving Frank to stare down at the lump under the comforter that was their conjoined hands instead. "It's harder now, it's been so long since I've had to work a normal job, which really shouldn't set me off, but it's weird you know? I have to teach these kids who probably have more of a future than I do all while pretending that I'm put together and knowledgeable when really I'm a wreck. I need the money, and it's not like I hate what I'm doing, that's not even the main problem, _fuck_ \- it's everything really...but it's mostly my head, and Mikey, and I - I miss you a lot," Gerard admitted so quietly that Frank had to strain his ears to catch his last words, his eyes stinging again when he realized that Gerard's current descent was partially his fault.

"I'm so sorry," Frank choked out, trying his best to mask his emotions so Gerard wouldn't catch on to his misplaced guilt, "but you know I'm still here whenever you need me."

"I do know that," Gerard nodded slowly, his chest rising visibly as he inhaled deeply, "but I think it would be easier for me to turn myself around if you were my boyfriend again."

"Two more weeks right?" Frank asked nervously, his voice audibly shaking, the pressure of Gerard's palm in his seeming to overwhelm him all of a sudden even though it hadn't changed since the initial contact, but the atmosphere had changed now - it was _tense_ , charged with an energy that Frank couldn't pinpoint the source of, but it was there nonetheless.

"Yeah," Gerard paused then, his eyes finally meeting Frank's for a brief moment before they darted away again, "but I was thinking, I mean - this is already pretty illegal, whether we wait until you're eighteen or not, and in hindsight, it probably won't matter when we actually make it officially as long as we don't tell anyone. I still want to wait to do anything physical until your birthday, just for my peace of mind, which is silly since we've already fucked but I -"

"Gerard," Frank cut off Gerard's nervous rambling, his spine stiffening and his eyes widening as he turned on his side so he could be closer to Gerard, "are you asking me to be your boyfriend again?"

"I am - if that's okay?"

Frank started crying then, taking himself by surprise with the sudden overflow of emotions, but he couldn't stop them once they had started. An unforeseen wave of joy filled tears poured out of him as he buried his face in Gerard's chest, a sob tinged with a laugh bubbling its way through his chest which felt lighter than it had in ages. Gerard held Frank close as he continued to weep happily, his long fingered hands petting over Frank's spine until he had regained his composure.

"You're serious right, like you want us to be together now instead of on my birthday?" Frank had to make sure he wasn't hallucinating, because this seemed too good to be true, not that he was complaining, but he couldn't verbalize his answer until he was certain that this wasn't an elaborate prank his own mind was playing on him.

Frank had never imagined that this would be the outcome that would follow him taking Gerard home, he had thought Gerard would thank him for his kindness and then send him away after he had recuperated, but now Frank was getting everything he had so desperately been aching for, lending a dreamlike quality to the event that was unfolding before Frank's eyes like a cheesy movie starring Gerard and himself.

"I do, I always have - I only broke up with you because I thought it was for the best, but you haven't moved on, and I'm obviously a mess. I think I'm finally starting to believe you when you say you don't want anyone but me, and although I'm still convinced that you'd be better off with someone else, not to mention we'll have to be really careful, if you're willing to risk so much for me, then I am too."

"I meant it, I'll always mean it, you're special to me Gerard, and I want to be with you so badly that it hurts," Frank reiterated, and he would keep saying it over and over again until Gerard was incapable of doubting him. "I know I lied and fucked up what we had, but I swear I'll be honest with you from now on," Frank added, pleading his case as if his very life was on the line, and in a way, it felt like it was.

"I know sugar, I understand why you did it. I'm not good with deception, but I'm starting to trust you again. You told me about your hookup when you didn't have to, and that meant more to me than any amount of promises you could have given me, but if I'm being completely honest, I don't think I would have been able to stay away from you even if I was convinced that you were a liar."

"I'm not, I still regret not telling you sooner, I hated deceiving you," Frank murmured, and he knew he would never lie to Gerard again. He would tell him everything about his past if he asked right now without a second thought, from his mother to his father to what he had for dinner last night and everything in between. Frank trusted Gerard as well, more than anyone except maybe Pete, which was a terrifying thing given how much power Gerard had over him, but he would never judge him, or use the information Frank imparted to him in a negative fashion, Frank was certain of that.

Now wasn't the time for a random confessional though, Frank would work his way up to explaining all of that eventually, but at the moment, he wanted to focus on Gerard's proposition. A part of Frank was still leery, because Gerard had been the one who was so deadest on waiting until Frank was eighteen before making anything official between them, and he wasn't sure what had changed.

They were both obviously suffering because of this separation, but that was nothing new. _Still_ \- maybe Gerard had finally reached his breaking point, maybe Frank meant more to him than he knew, and Gerard needed to repair their bond before he could begin mending himself. He had said that he would withhold sex after all, which was the main reason their relationship was illegal since he couldn't technically consent, but if that was all that had been bothering Gerard, why hadn't he offered Frank that option in the first place?

Frank wanted to question Gerard, to sift through his mind until he was one hundred percent positive that Gerard was serious about this, because if he wasn't, Frank wouldn't be able to handle another break up - it would destroy him completely, but at the same time, he was too afraid to bring up his queries in case it made Gerard rethink his impromptu decision, so after a few seconds of internal deliberation, Frank stayed silent, waiting to see what Gerard would say next, biting down on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from spilling his worries aloud.

And in the end, Frank didn't want Gerard to think logically about this, because nothing about their situation made any iota of sense. They should have parted ways when they discovered that Gerard was Frank's teacher, but they _hadn't_. Something kept them together, an invisible pull that followed no rules of logic or reason. It was that force that had drawn Frank to Gerard in the first place, and Frank knew Gerard felt it too, so maybe its strength had worn down Gerard's initial resolve of waiting until Frank was of consenting age to solidify their relationship.

"Well good, so now that we have that settled, do you want to be my boyfriend again?" Gerard spoke up, almost as if he had read Frank's mind and realized that he needed to hear the question again before he could give his answer, and as soon as Frank heard the term boyfriend falling from Gerard's lips for the second time that afternoon, his fears melted away completely, because it didn't matter why Gerard had changed his mind, not as long as he wanted Frank, and he _did_ \- Frank could see it in his eyes which were focused and bright, not a hint of alcohol or any other substance clogging his irises as he gazed up at Frank steadily.

"Please?" Frank all but whimpered, his limbs trembling noticeably as reality began to sink in and he finally started to comprehend the fact that this was actually happening.

Gerard only grinned in response, his expression so relieved and genuine that it had Frank smiling just by looking at him. Gerard sat up slightly when Frank failed to say anything else, hooking his arms around Frank's shoulders before he dragged Frank down until their lips connected for the first time in months, and _fuck_ \- Frank had forgotten how much he loved this, the gentle pressure, the unbridled affection, everything that had been barred to him was finally free territory once more, and even if all they did was kiss until his birthday, Frank couldn't care less right now.

Frank sighed happily against Gerard's mouth, his fingers tangling in the longer locks of hair at the back of his neck as they continued to kiss lazily, small jolts of pure joy filling Frank until he was sure he would burst from the intensity of it all, but he honestly wouldn't mind if this killed him, his heart could stop right now and he would be just fine with that.

Gerard was finally his again, and more importantly, he was Gerard's. They were both still broken people, but they were trying to fix that, and two pairs of hands were better at putting things back together than one. They were going to be okay, they would make it out of the pit they had both fallen into, Frank would help Gerard get himself back on track, and maybe in the process, he would right his own life as well.


	30. Turning Mountains Into Molehills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry these updates are taking me so long.  
> I am working two jobs now and it is hard to find time to write but I am slowly learning how to juggle everything.  
> Thank you for sticking around I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Frank stayed in bed with Gerard for hours, the two of them exchanging soft kisses and hushed words as they reacquainted themselves with each other after their long separation.

They kept things chaste per Gerard's request, but even the simple act of having Gerard's lips against his own was borderline euphoric for Frank after going for months without.

They rarely moved from Gerard's room, only once getting up to grab something to eat when Mikey's arrival disrupted their privacy. They had waved off his apologizes for his absence with secret smiles tugging at their mouths, which Mikey seemed to notice although he didn't question them about their uncharacteristic giddiness.

Mikey probably already knew that they had gotten back together anyway, Frank could tell that Mikey was a very insightful person, and it didn't take an expert on body language to figure out that they were much more comfortable with each other than they had been the last time Frank had come over.

Mikey had retired to his room now though, leaving Gerard and Frank free to resume their affectionate actions without company. Frank was currently snuggled against Gerard's side at the moment, enjoying the feeling of being held as Gerard occasionally pressed soft kisses to the crown of Frank's head, the comfortable silence in the air filling Frank with peace as his eyelids began to droop slightly.

But although Frank's limbs were filled with a heady languor and his mind was fogging over with the desire to sleep, his heart was still racing at a hundred miles a minute, his closeness to Gerard feeling akin to brushing his palm against a live wire, but instead of a painful shock, Frank was filled with a surge of love and vitality every time Gerard so much as shifted, his minute movements resonating deep within Frank, keeping him awake and hyper aware while somehow still in a peaceful state all at the same time.

Frank didn't understand how their relationship was wrong, it just didn't make sense to him in this moment. How could something that brought him so much joy be labeled as illegal, how could something so wonderful and life changing potentially sentence Gerard to jail?

If Gerard wasn't his teacher, they wouldn't even have a problem, but yet the world had decided that what they were doing was unacceptable, and as much as Frank wished he could change that, he knew there was nothing he could do besides wait for his graduation date.

Frank would miss being able to go out in public with Gerard, but compared to everything he had gained, it was a small loss. He could always spend time here at Gerard's apartment, or their spot in the woods, and after the months spent without Gerard, being able to have the older man's arms around him was akin to Heaven, even if they had to hide behind closed doors for the time being.

"What are you thinking about?" Gerard whispered, a hot puff of air hitting the shell of Frank's ear as he spoke, releasing a small shiver down his spine as he leaned back against Gerard heavily.

" _You_ ," Frank answered honestly, a grin overtaking his face when Gerard chuckled gleefully.

"What about me?" Gerard pressed, his hold on Frank tightening by a small fraction as he scooted further down on the mattress, dragging Frank with him until he was practically lying on his chest.

"Mostly just how happy I am that we can do things like this again."

"So am I," Gerard sighed, his nose tickling the back of his neck as he burrowed against Frank suddenly.

"And you?" Frank asked, because he could tell that something was on Gerard's mind by the way his muscles had tensed up and his previous relaxed posture and grown stiff in the past few seconds, the bodily signals saying more than a thousand words ever could.

And for once, the fact that Gerard seemed nervous and on edge didn't send Frank into a fit of hysterics, because he had already been through the worst now. He no longer doubted everything Gerard said, or feared fucking up constantly, how could he when Gerard was risking everything to be with Frank?

And _yes_ \- of course he still worried slightly, but he was beginning to realize that he and Gerard could work through anything together if they tried, leaving him at ease and more self-confident than he had been in ages as he waited patiently for Gerard to answer his question.

"I - um..." Gerard stammered quietly, continuing to hide his face in the crook of Frank's shoulder, preventing Frank from picking up on any visual clues that might give him a hint as to what Gerard was currently struggling with, "it's really nothing, I'm just being silly." Gerard laughed hoarsely, but when Frank remained silent, he pushed on determinedly. "I guess I'm feeling a bit guilty, and don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic that you're here, and that you still care for me, but I can't help but wondering if I'm being selfish you know?"

"In what way?" Frank queried, keeping his voice even and calm as he tried to catch up with Gerard's rapidly shifting mind, not wanting to allow himself to jump to conclusions quite yet in case he arrived at the wrong one.

"I was just planning in my head the things I need to do, like get my prescription renewed, and probably go through my cabinets and throw away the medicine I've been abusing, maybe even my blades if I could get that far, and I don't want to do it alone, but I also don't want to burden you with this so soon."

"But you're not, at least not to me - I _want_ to help you with this," Frank reminded Gerard, brushing his cheek lightly with his knuckles when Gerard lifted his head up slightly.

"I know, and I believe you, so I shouldn't feel bad about it, but then I started thinking about how I'm your first boyfriend, and how you practically babysit me more often than not, and don't take this wrong, I'm not retracting my earlier statement, and I do want this relationship, but I also don't want to be unfair to you, and I just want you to know that if at any point I became too much, or you get frustrated with me, that's okay...I'll understand, _honestly_."

"Hey...I don't like you thinking like that okay?" Frank murmured gently, tilting Gerard's chin up with two of his fingers so he was looking directly into his eyes. "I want this okay, I want _you_ , and I'm not going into this blind. I understand that you are going to struggle with your addictions, and that doesn't scare me off. I'm going to stand by your side through it all, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not the most emotionally stable person either, but we can work on that together yeah?"

"I'd like that," Gerard smiled, leaning forward until his lips grazed against Frank's briefly before sitting back in his previous position. "I think I just needed to hear you say it again. I'm building up the courage to call my doctor soon and you are very good at boosting it."

"Well I'll keep repeating it as often as you need," Frank beamed, "and I know I already said this before, but I am really proud of you."

" _See_ \- right there you did it again," Gerard giggled. "It's almost crazy how good you are at dragging me out of my head."

"I consider it one of my best skills," Frank teased, an answering laugh bubbling out of his chest when Gerard continued to chuckle happily. "Seriously though, I am in this for the long run, I'm not going to take off after waiting for so long to get you back," Frank added on, knowing that the extra reassurance would be helpful although Gerard seemed sufficiently calmed already.

"You really are perfect," Gerard mumbled before dragging Frank back in for another kiss without giving him a chance to respond to the compliment that always had his stomach fluttering and his heart bursting with joy.

Frank gasped happily when Gerard slipped his tongue past Frank's lips, exploring his mouth carefully as Frank clutched at his sides to ground himself. Frank couldn't help but groan when Gerard tilted him onto his back, his larger frame hovering over Frank in a way that made him feel protected and desired all at once.

It was difficult for Frank not to push things further, especially as the kiss lengthened and drew out, leaving him progressively more needy as each minute ticked by, but Frank wanted to respect Gerard's wishes, and he didn't want to insinuate anything that the older man would regret later on, so even though his cock was beginning to swell and his body was begging for attention, Frank made himself stay still, letting Gerard set the pace no matter how much it pained him.

Just when Frank was getting completely absorbed in the slick sounds their mouths were making and the heavy pressure of Gerard's torso pushing against his waist, his phone rang, snapping them both out of the world which only involved the two of them much to Frank's disappointment.

"Fuck," Frank groaned as he pulled away, praying that it was just Pete phoning him so he could ignore it and return to Gerard, but when he grabbed his phone off of the dresser it had been lying on, it was his mother's name that stared back at him. "I have to take this," Frank apologized, sitting up once Gerard rolled back onto his side of the bed with a soft pout painted across his face.

"Hey Mom," Frank spoke softly once he had pressed the answer button, his stomach churning uncomfortably when the other end of the line remained silent. Some of his unease ebbed when Gerard tangled his fingers through Frank's free hand as if he couldn't bear to not be touching him for more than a few seconds, and the physical contact helped Frank find his voice even when his throat began to dry up and his limbs started to tremble. "Are you there?"

"I am," his mother snapped coldly, causing Frank to sink down against the mattress as if he could somehow hide from her fury if he made himself small enough, "and I just got a message from your school saying that you didn't attend any of your classes today."

All of the air left Frank's lungs when he realized that he had spent so long with Gerard that he hadn't taken any time to think up a plausible excuse for his absence, which he really should have done earlier while Gerard was sleeping, but so many things had happened this morning that his mind had been otherwise occupied, leaving him defenseless against his mother's onslaught.

"I ...I was going to -"

"Don't try and lie to me Frank," his mother cut him off mid-sentence, her anger emitting through the speakers of the device pressed to Frank's ear, its palpable presence wrapping around Frank in a constricting manner that had him shaky and out of breath within seconds. "I want you home now, we can talk about it when you get here."

"Okay," Frank promised, his tone quiet and defeated as he tried not to sniffle audibly. "I'll be there soon."

"Good," was all his mother said before she hung up, leaving Frank in a daze as he slowly put his phone down, his eyes stinging with unshed tears even though he wasn't all that upset, he was more disappointed in himself than anything.

Frank hated when his mother became cross with him, although there were worse things, she was lucid today obviously, she had remembered his name and even checked the answering machine apparently, which was actually a very positive sign since Frank had to all but force her to complete simple tasks lately, but it was just his luck that she had happened to have a good day the one time that Frank almost wished she hadn't.

Still, Frank didn't regret what he had done, how could he when the end result has been him getting Gerard back? He should have planned out a viable excuse though, and he probably should have been home before his mother returned from work so he could play it off like he had been feeling ill or something like that, but it was too late to take back his actions now, and the hours spent with Gerard were more than worth the scolding Frank was sure to receive later on.

"Everything okay Frankie?" Gerard asked when Frank remained silent, tugging Frank against his side gently as he spoke, the reassuring warmth that instantly flowed into Frank following the small action loosening the bands of tensions that had been pressing down against Frank's chest, allowing him to breathe properly again for the first time in a few minutes.

"Yeah," Frank nodded, wrapping his arms around Gerard's waist when Gerard cocked one eyebrow at him in a disbelieving manner, "my mom is just pissed that I missed classes today, but she'll get over it soon."

" _Shit_ \- I'm so sorry," Gerard exhaled heavily, "I can get the absence excused, at least in my class, I don't know if that will help at all though."

"It's okay Gerard - _really_ ," Frank smiled, burrowing closer to Gerard to show that he truly was fine with it. "I think I'm going to tell her that I wasn't feeling well, so I had Pete pick me up and I ended up staying at his house. She won't like it, but it's believable at least."

"I really do feel bad Frank," Gerard murmured, "but at the same time, I wouldn't have traded today for the world, but I can talk to the attendance office and see what I can do."

"Don't worry about it." Frank waved Gerard off, because now that he was no longer on the phone with his mother, his earlier fear and guilt was already slipping away. "That might look a bit suspicious anyway since you weren't at school today either, and one unexcused absence isn't going to kill me, but I probably should get home before she works herself into a frenzy."

"I wish you didn't have to go," Gerard groaned, his facing falling slightly when Frank pushed himself vertical once more, although he made no move to get off the bed just yet. "Call me later yeah?"

"Of course," Frank giggled, leaning down to steal one more hurried kiss from Gerard that elongated a bit more than Frank had originally planned, not that he was complaining.

When Frank finally found the will to pull away, his lips were swollen and his hair was mussed up, and Gerard was in a similar state. Frank grinned widely when Gerard gazed up at him with wide pupils, a look of adoration crossing over his face when Frank slowly backed off the edge of the mattress, maintaining eye contact with Gerard the entire time.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" Gerard offered when Frank bent down to pull on his shoes, breaking the calming spell they had both been trapped in by removing his gaze from Gerard.

"I can walk, it's fine, besides, I'm pretty sure we'll end up doing that a few more times and I'll be even later than I already am."

Frank's heart swelled when Gerard laughed in agreement, because they were joking together just like they used to. All of the tension and insecurities that had been hovering between the two of them for the past few months had been completely eradicated in the space of a few hours, and _fuck_ \- Frank had missed his relationship with Gerard even more than he had realized, making each minute thing carry a special significance that it hadn't contained before, but now Frank appreciated everything from Gerard's expulsion of mirth to the way his arms felt when Gerard got up and pulled Frank into a gentle embrace.

"I'll miss you," Gerard whispered, "and thank you for giving me another chance, for being here when I needed you most, for _everything_ really."

"Stop thanking me," Frank scoffed playfully, although Gerard's words had him much more emotional than he was willing to admit, "in fact, I should be saying that to you, so thank you for taking me back despite everything, thank you for caring enough to risk so much to be with me."

"I should have done it sooner honestly," Gerard mumbled into Frank's hair, "I've missed you so much."

"I'm here now," Frank assured him, pulling Gerard close when he shuddered softly, "and I'm not going anywhere - well, I am right now, but you get my point."

" _Fuck_ \- I'm keeping you all to myself again aren't I?" Gerard chuckled as he reluctantly released Frank from his tight hold. "Let me know how it goes with your mom."

"I will," Frank hedged, unwilling to leave Gerard's side just yet, but knowing that he had to soon or he would have to be bodily dragged out of here.

This was going to be a constant struggle for Frank, because even though Gerard was his first priority, his mother was important too, and Frank wanted to see her while she was in a decent state, even if she was simply going to yell at him for skipping class. He couldn't completely ignore his other responsibilities for Gerard, he knew that, but _fuck_ \- Frank was so tempted to pretend like the outside world didn't exist so he could spend the rest of the evening with Gerard.

He didn't though, and after a few more brief kisses, Frank finally made his way out of Gerard's apartment and in the direction of his home, and as hard as it was to say goodbye to Gerard, Frank still felt light and overjoyed, because this wasn't forever, he didn't have to worry about when he would see Gerard next, or if he would even want to speak to him tomorrow anymore.

Those worries were hopefully behind him, and _yes_ \- Frank did have plenty of other problems on his plate, but with Gerard as his boyfriend again, the mountain had shrunken down to an easily dealt with molehill that no longer weighed Frank down at all times.

~~~

"I just don't understand why you didn't call me, you didn't have to go spend the day with Pete. For all you know, your might have gotten him sick now as well."

Frank bit his lip as his mother continued to chastise him, trying to hide his growing frustration as he repeated his hastily constructed lie for the third time.

"Because you were at work mom, and I know you don't have a lot of vacation hours left. I'm fine now anyway, it was just a stomach ache, and I think it was more nerves than anything else."

Frank had concocted the story that he had thrown up right before school started, most likely because of an imaginary test that he had made up on the spot to explain why he had chosen to take the day off to supposedly study with Pete.

It wasn't the best excuse in the world, but it was all he could come up with on such short notice. Unfortunately, his mother wasn't pleased with his explanation, leaving him trapped underneath her steely gaze while she paced around the kitchen in frustration.

"I just...I'm not upset you with for being ill, you know that right honey?" Frank nodded mutely, waiting for his mother to continue her tirade. "I'm only worried about you, it's your senior year after all, and missing a test is very serious, not to mention I'm sure you didn't get much work done at Pete's, you would have been much more productive here."

"I'm sorry Mom, I won't do it again okay?" Frank apologized again, sensing his mother's anger wearing thin, which was proved by her actions when she sunk into the chair next to him a second later.

Frank exhaled in relief when his mother didn't add an anything else, although he wasn't sure what else she could say. She had been chastising him for the past half hour, and even if Frank didn't enjoy being in trouble, or seeing his mother in any sort of distress, especially when he was the cause of it, the attention from the typically distant woman had been actually enjoyable.

So instead of escaping up to his bedroom like he usually would after a scolding, Frank decided to stay in the kitchen and soak up whatever time he had with his mother while she was this coherent, looking in the cabinets for something to make for dinner which were actually filled for once since he had gone shopping recently.

"You're growing up so fast," his mother hummed under her breath after a long period of nothing except the pattering of Frank's feet, her heavy lidded eyes meeting his for a brief moment before she looked back down at her lap. "It's like you're not my little boy anymore."

"I still am Mom, I always will be," Frank assured her, pulling her into a brief one armed hug before returning to the package of pasta that he had been attempting to open. "Does spaghetti sound good?"

"See what I mean?" his mother continued, not answering his query which Frank took to mean that whatever he cooked would be fine with her. "You make the majority of our meals, you do the shopping, it's like you're the adult and I'm the child now."

Frank stiffened as he poured the hard noodles into a pan, wondering if this would be a good time to discuss his mother's mental state with her while she seemed so aware of herself. It needed to be brought up eventually before she got worse, but Frank was selfish, and he didn't want to ruin one of the few decent conversations they had partaken in lately by bringing up a topic that was sure to cause his mother to shut down instantly.

"It's fine Mom, and I'm still your kid, I'm just old enough to help you with things now," Frank shrugged, although he knew that most seventeen year olds didn't have to deal with the things he did on a daily basis, but he was getting better at handling his mother's oddities, and he was keeping them afloat - for _now_ at least.

"Do ever wish you could turn back time?"

His mother's question had Frank starting slightly since she had once again lapsed into silence, his hand slipping as he added water to the pot, a few drops splattering across the counter before he righted the cup once more.

Frank didn't reply straight away, because he wasn't sure what to say. Two days ago he would have agreed wholeheartedly, but now he wasn't so sure. As much as he looked back fondly on the past, as much as he missed his father, as much as he'd like to return to the carefree boy he'd once been, it was the future that now held hope for him, because it held Gerard and the potential for a happy life with him at the center of it.

Once Frank graduated, if they even made it that far, Frank would be free to show the world how much Gerard meant to him, and even closer than that, Frank had tomorrow to look forward to, because he would be able to see Gerard without his heart twisting in pain, even tonight held the promise of his voice waiting for him once Frank got the chance to call him. Those little things had Frank content with his place in the world for the first time in months, and he didn't think he would trade them for anything.

"No - I wouldn't," Frank finally answered, "change scares me of course, and sometimes the idea seems appealing yeah, but overall, I'm starting to see that everything happens for a reason, and if we keep trying to live in the past, we'll never get to experience what's waiting for us if we don't look ahead every now and then."

"When did you get so wise?" his mother grinned ruefully, her slippered feet touching the floor as she got up and made her way to the fridge.

"I learned it in school, which I do attend ninety-nine percent of the time," Frank teased, earning himself a playful scoff from his mother as she poured herself a glass of juice.

"You better," his mother winked, motioning to the cartoon to ask if Frank wanted some as well, which he gladly accepted.

And for the first time in weeks, Frank sat down with his mother as they shared their meal, and although they had eaten together on many nights, this was different, because his mother was present, she was _engaged_ , they were sharing stories and talking like they used to.

Of course Frank couldn't bring up the things that were truly important to him like Gerard, but that was fine given that his mother was rarely willing to participate in any sort of discussion with him lately.

And even if this wouldn't last, because it never did, Frank chose to enjoy the present, finding joy in his mother's laugh and her genuine smile for as long as he could before they were ripped away from him once more.

~~~

Frank grinned as he closed the door to his room behind him firmly, all but diving for his phone which he had left charging on his desk earlier.

As much as he had loved spending time with his mother, Frank was already desperate to speak with Gerard again, and now that his mother had gone to bed, he finally had the privacy he needed to talk to his boyfriend in peace.

Frank dialed his familiar number eagerly, crawling under his blankets as the traditional ring started to sound in his ears. Frank had only gotten himself halfway covered when the line picked up, meaning that Gerard had most likely been waiting for Frank's call, which only had Frank smiling even harder.

"Hey sugar," Gerard greeted him, leaving Frank shivering slightly at the pet name that seemed to always affect him no matter how often he heard it. "How did it go with your mom?"

"Actually not that bad. I mean - she was mad at me of course, but once she calmed down, we actually had a nice chat."

"That's good," Gerard sighed audibly, his expulsion of relief filling Frank with small bubbles of joy when he realized that Gerard had truly been worried about him. "I really do feel bad that I got you in trouble though."

"Well don't, I told you it would be fine, and it was," Frank giggled, shifting himself into a more comfortable position as he prepared himself for what he was going to say next.

Frank hadn't been planning on doing this so soon, but after giving it some serious thought while washing the dishes, Frank had decided to tell Gerard about his mother's condition, although Frank still was clueless on what it actually was.

 _Still_ \- he didn't want to keep things from Gerard anymore, even personal information that he hadn't asked for, and sooner or later, Frank might need to turn to Gerard for comfort on one of her bad days, so he would rather explain his home situation now while he was in a pleasant mood and not on the verge of tears with nowhere to go if she ended up kicking him out again.

"You got quiet...everything okay?" Gerard asked, picking up on Frank's emotions just like he always did, which gave Frank the courage to expose this part of his life that he so rarely shared with anyone.

"Yeah... _actually_ , I just wanted to tell you a bit more about my mom." Frank drew in a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever reaction he was going to receive from his boyfriend, keeping his finger crossed that it wouldn't be a negative one. "She's - _well_ , I don't know exactly what is wrong with her, but I think she has some mental health issues. I started noticing them when my dad left, and ever since then, they've been getting progressively worse."

Gerard stayed silent, giving Frank permission to speak freely, so he did, explaining all of his mother's quirks from her moodiness, to how she rarely took care of herself anymore, much less Frank, of how she was on thin ice at work after missing so many days, of how she often mistook Frank for his father, or sometimes didn't recognize him at all - _everything_ , and although he paused and stuttered during his recitation several times, he made it through without stopping, and much to his surprise, he felt noticeably lighter when he was done, as if another of his burdens had lifted once he had found the courage to share it.

"Frank...I - I don't know what to say, that sounds awful," Gerard gasped when Frank finally trailed off, his voice free of the pity that Frank so despised, his tone filled with caring and compassion instead.

"It's not all bad, and I'm learning to deal with it, but I just wanted you to be aware of it in case something happens again and I need a place to stay or whatever. I usually crash with Pete, but just...I guess I felt like you should know that about me - _fuck_ , I don't know, I never talk about this really," Frank chuckled weakly, threading his fingers through his hair nervously as he spoke.

This was harder to do than Frank thought it would be, and a part of him wished he had waited to tell Gerard in person, but he probably would have talked himself out of it if he had postponed his confession another day.

"And your dad is out of the picture entirely, he doesn't know what's going on with her?"

"No, I haven't seen him since I was fifteen, no phone calls, _nothing_ ," Frank shrugged, ignoring the painful twist in his stomach that always emerged whenever he thought of his absent father.

"Well Frank, I know it isn't really my place, and there isn't much I can do while I'm your teacher, but if you ever need help, I'm here for you, and I don't mean just a place to stay, you always have that, but if she gets worse, or she loses her job, I can try and step in. I'll do some research if you want, maybe speak to my doctor and see if he has any patients with similar symptoms, whatever you need, just know that you aren't alone in this."

Gerard's words were so sincere and heartfelt that Frank found himself choking up suddenly, his eyes welling over with tears that he hadn't realized he was holding back until just now.

Gerard somehow knew exactly what to say just when Frank needed to hear it most, he hadn't told him that he needed to commit his mother, which was something he wasn't sure if he wanted to do just yet, if _ever_ , he had just given Frank someone to turn to if things got too bad, and Frank was so fucking grateful for that pillar of support.

Gerard trusted Frank to take care of this in his own way, he wasn't telling Frank what to do or how he should do it, but he was giving him more options, he was making Frank feel in control of his life, which was a sensation that Frank so rarely experienced, and although Frank was aware that there was little Gerard could actually do to interfere without rousing suspicions, it didn't really matter, Frank probably wouldn't even ask that of him anyway, but it was the comfort he received from his sentiment that meant everything to him.

"Thank you Gerard, that - just thank you," Frank sniffled quietly, wrapping his free arm around himself in a parody of how Gerard had held him earlier.

"Of course sugar, and I'm really glad you told me all this, I know it wasn't easy for you."

"I feel better now that I did," Frank admitted, "no one really knows besides Pete, I don't want anyone at school finding out in case they try to send her away you know?"

"Yeah I understand," Gerard hummed. "It makes a lot of sense now that I think about it actually."

"What does?" Frank questioned, unsure of what Gerard meant by his vague statement.

"Well I always wondered how you were so good at dealing with me during my...uh - _episodes_ I guess. It took Mikey ages to figure out what set me off and what didn't, but you seemed to just know, and hearing about your mother made it all click for me."

"You're not like her though," Frank protested, although he did see Gerard's point, and he probably wouldn't have reacted so well to certain aspects of Gerard's personality if he didn't live with his mother, but he didn't want to admit that aloud.

"Maybe not identical, no, but I'm exactly mentally stable either," Gerard responded wistfully, and _fuck_ \- Frank wanted to kiss him until the sad cast from his voice was eradicated completely, but he couldn't do that while he was trapped in his room, so his words would have to do.

"It's not the same Gerard, stop thinking like that - _please_?" Frank begged, because he knew how Gerard's mind worked, and he was certain that Gerard was feeling like a burden to Frank once more when he was anything but.

"I'm sorry - it's just...you're dealing with so much already, and I wish I wasn't one of those things, I want to be normal, but I don't think I ever have been."

"You're perfect Gerard," Frank whispered, daring to use the compliment that he knew Gerard didn't typically receive well, but he was unable to think of any other word to describe him, sincerely bleeding from his tone and hopefully into Gerard, although it was hard to tell without visual confirmation. "I mean it, I'm not just saying it to make you feel better. I wouldn't change anything about you, so even if you don't like the way you are, I do."

"Fucking hell Frank, I - you know I don't like that word, it's not true." Gerard didn't sound distraught though, in fact, it almost sounded as if he was biting back a smile, and Frank knew he had chosen the right adjective even if Gerard was still resistant to it.

"Like I said, you don't have to believe it, but I think you are, and my conviction is strong enough for the both of us."

"One day I'm going to find out that you're someone I dreamed up, I swear to god," Gerard laughed lightly, the sound leaving Frank giddy and overjoyed at the fact that he had successfully managed to derail Gerard's unhealthy train of thought before it had spiraled out of control.

"Well if that's the case, then can you imagine me as a bit older without school or work to worry about because that would be great."

"I'll get right on that," Gerard chuckled warmly, and Frank could all but see his eyes crinkling up the way they always did when Gerard was truly happy. "Speaking of school, I'm sure you have homework that you should be doing right now."

"Oh god, don't go all teacher on me," Frank groaned, but Gerard was correct in his assumption, and with the makeup assignment that Frank would have to complete tomorrow, he really needed to get ahead while he had the chance, "but how about we make a deal, I'll start it if you stay on the line with me for a bit."

"I see no downfall to that plan," Gerard agreed, "you better not let me distract you though."

"No promises," Frank teased, reluctantly getting up to retrieve his texts books as Gerard kept him company with his voice, his schoolwork appearing almost appealing as long as Gerard continued to ramble to him during them.

Everything seemed easier when Gerard was added into the equation, from his assignments, to dealing with his mother, basically all aspects of his life had greatly improved now that Gerard was a part of it once again.

Frank had no idea how he had survived for so long without the older man, but somehow he had done it, and he hoped he would never have to experience another separation from him ever again.

 


	31. Happy Birthday To Frank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been a bit ill lately so writing is taking me much longer than it usually does but I'm still doing my best to update everything thanks for being patient with me xx

Life with Gerard compared to carrying on without him was a never ending study of startling contrasts which absolutely fascinated Frank, because everything had changed now that Gerard was his boyfriend again in the best way possible, but it seemed that he was the only one who noticed it.

On the surface, everything was the same, and that was all anyone saw, so even if Frank was smiling more often, or paying better attention in class, it wasn't a noteworthy attitude shift, and if a bystander had been asked if something was different with Frank lately, they would have most likely said no.

The only people who were aware that Gerard and Frank had gotten back together were Ryan, Brendon, and Pete, the latter of which Frank had been nervous about telling since he'd been afraid of recreating the uncomfortable tension that they'd only recently worked through, but Pete had seemed fine, and Frank had downplayed his excitement by a fair margin, but he'd still wanted Pete to share in this with him even if they had conflicting views on his relationship.

But besides those three, no one else was able to see underneath Frank's skin, no one knew about the core of contentment that Frank harbored within him, the sensation growing every time he awoke to a "good morning" text from Gerard or he spied his car parked a few blocks away so he could drive him closer to the school, saving Frank from the uncomfortable bus ride he would have had to endure otherwise even if Gerard had to drop him off a few blocks away so they wouldn't be seen arriving together.

But those occurrences, as simple as they were, meant the world to Frank. Each quick kiss and endearment energized him for hours afterward, making the stress of homework coupled with his shifts at the restaurant that much easier to bear until almost nightly Frank dozed off with a smile on his face instead of tears in his eyes.

Frank couldn't truly explain with words how being Gerard's again had improved so much, because when he truly took a step back and observed their relationship with a critical eye, he had to admit that it wasn't what he'd envisioned the few times he had entertained the idea of actually having a proper boyfriend.

Still, it was incredible nonetheless; Frank compared it to looking through the other side of a mirror, because he was still him, he still had all of his burdens and old wounds marring his insides, but he was seeing things with a new set of eyes, the shadows that had been obscuring his vision for so long had finally been lifted, allowing him to view the potential his existence held instead of only the darkness and the hopelessness that had been such a prevalent part of him until Gerard had come along.

Frank didn't actually even see Gerard all that often, definitely with much less frequency than he had during the summer, but they were both busy after all. Frank had to balance his responsibilities as a student along with making sure that he was setting aside time for his mother and Pete even if he'd love nothing more than to spend all of his free moments with Gerard, and Gerard had papers to grade and Mikey to look after not to mention appointments that he was actually going to now much to Frank's relief, so it was to be expected that they'd be apart more often than not, especially since the only place they could truly be together was Gerard's apartment.

They made up for it with texts though and so many phone calls that Frank began making sure that he hid the phone bill from his mother just in case she remarked on his sudden spike of activity. He could always brush it off as a new friend he'd made at school if he was caught of course, but it was better to avoid rousing his mother's suspicions entirely, not that she'd ever imagine he was using all of his minutes to speak with his teacher even if she did find out.

But as much as Frank adored Gerard's messages and hearing his voice, the best occasions by far were when Frank was able to spend a few hours with Gerard in his place which was quickly becoming a second home to Frank, and even if he had to wait until his mother was asleep so he could sneak off, and although he was always exhausted and half dead on his feet the next day, it was always worth it when he got to feel Gerard's lips on his, when Gerard would hold him close and murmur how much he missed him.

Gerard seemed to be doing better too, he was drinking less at least, he was turning to Frank when he got overwhelmed or frustrated instead of the bottle, he'd even asked Frank to help him clean up his room the other evening, telling Frank to dispose of certain pill bottles that he'd been abusing which had Frank's chest swelling with pride and adoration, because Gerard was trying to mend himself, his words hadn't been false promises, and although Frank knew that Gerard was going to continue to experience a wide range of ups and downs, that was something Frank was prepared to deal with, and it was so much easier to help Gerard now that he was no longer attempting to shut him out.

Frank craved more though, of course he did, it was only a natural thing when he was forced to sit in class with Gerard a few feet away and pretend that he was just another teacher, when had to head home to make sure his mother ate before maybe getting the chance to see Gerard, when he had to sleep early so he wouldn't be too tired for a test the next day, cutting their phone call short even though Frank wasn't even remotely tired.

Frank wished they were closer in age, or that Gerard wasn't in a position of authority so their relationship would truly be legal the moment he turned eighteen. He missed feeling Gerard's hands on every inch of his bare skin instead of just his face, he'd love to be able to eat dinner in public with Gerard instead of having to get takeout so they could retreat back to the safety of a closed door, but honestly, those were paltry things that would come with time, and even if they didn't, Frank was happy - _truly_ happy, so all of the events that were barred to them failed to bother him, they were more of an annoyance than anything else.

And before Frank knew it, the day he was waiting for arrived - _Halloween_ , better known as his birthday. Everything wasn't going to be perfect once he was eighteen of course, it never would be probably. Frank was starting to realize that, but he didn't need it to be, he just needed Gerard, and the fact that they were one step closer to being able to properly be with each other had Frank thrumming with excitement from the moment he woke up, and even the fact that his mother didn't recognize him that morning wasn't able to put a dent in his joyful mood.

Unfortunately for Frank, his birthday fell on a Friday this year, which meant he still had to attend classes, but since Gerard would be there, he didn't mind all that much, especially since all he'd desired for his birthday was to spend time with the older man, which he would be able to do later on since he'd made sure that he didn't have to work this evening.

Frank had insisted that he didn't want Gerard to do anything special for him, simply being with him was enough, and _okay_ \- Frank was maybe hoping that Gerard would be thinking along the same lines as he was, which for lack of a better term were all very sexual, but could you blame him? Frank missed sex a lot, especially given how much of it he used to have and how amazing being with Gerard in that fashion was, so being able to finally sleep with him again was the best present he could ever receive.

Gerard had been reluctant to agree, but he'd finally given in when Frank had refused to kiss him for the rest of the evening until he promised that he wouldn't buy Frank anything, or throw him any sort of party, which was more of a punishment for him than anything, but it had worked, and even if Frank felt a bit guilty for preventing Gerard from going all out, and maybe a small part of him wouldn't mind being spoiled by his boyfriend, he didn't want Gerard to spend money on him, and any sort of get together would be a sad affair given the fact that Frank's only friend was Pete and Frank was nervous about having both him and Gerard in the same room.

Pete was already a bit miffed that Frank wasn't going to be spending his birthday with him, although Frank had hung out with him just last night, but _still_ \- it was a tradition for Frank to sleep over at his house on Halloween for the past few years, and Frank could tell his friend was bothered by the lack of it, even though he had smiled weakly at Frank and said it was his special day after all so he could do whatever he wanted on it.

Frank would make sure to see Pete later on this weekend though, and honestly, he didn't want to think about his disappointed friend on the first birthday he'd been looking forward to since his father left, so he pushed all traces of negativity from his mind, getting dressed quickly before turning on his phone only to see a message from Gerard that had been sent at exactly midnight.

_"Happy birthday Frankie xxx"_

It was a simple text, but the fact that Gerard had kept himself awake just to make sure he could send it on the thirty-first had Frank grinning broadly, especially since he knew that Gerard had to be up even earlier than usual for a teacher's meeting or something like that, which also meant that he couldn't drive Frank to school today, but Frank didn't care. He would see him in class after all, and since it was a Friday, they would have the entire night to spend with each other. That was enough to have Frank in motion, all dredges of sleep sloughing off of him as he dressed hurriedly so he could begin his day that much quicker.

And it didn't matter that Frank's mother didn't wish him happy birthday before leaving for work, it wasn't like he was expecting it when she barely even seemed to register that he was there, or that Pete hadn't texted him yet either although he had to be awake by now since he had class as well, because Frank was done wallowing. He couldn't change the bad things in his life, he couldn't fix everything, but he could enjoy the positive aspects he was blessed with, and he was determined to do that today.

~~~

Frank's anticipation regarding his birthday didn't reach its pinnacle until it was almost over, because he wasn't able to get away from his other responsibilities until almost half past nine in the evening. As much as he'd wanted to go to Gerard's directly after class let out, the urge only intensified by the short note Gerard had slipped onto his desk along with his homework from last night wishing him a happy birthday again, Frank couldn't leave his mother to fend for herself, not after she'd been in such a bad state this morning.

Frank had let Gerard know this through text, not trusting himself enough to impart the information in person mostly because he knew once he started speaking with Gerard he'd convince himself that his mother could survive on her own for one night. Gerard had encouraged Frank to take all the time that he needed, saying that he had a few last minute preparations to make anyway, which had Frank on edge in regards to what he was planning, but he decided to leave it be for now.

Frank had done the right thing by returning home first though, because when Frank's mother had made her way through the front door, she'd been practically comatose, not responding to words or touch, it even got to the point where Frank was worried that he was going to have to force feed her at one point.

But eventually, she'd finished her dinner and allowed Frank to lead her to bed, and once her breathing had evened out to a steady pattern which assured Frank she was asleep, he'd all but run to Gerard's place, responding to Pete's belated birthday message as he left, satisfied that everything was tied up as well as it could be for the time being only to spy the man himself waiting for him outside the apartment complex in his car.

Gerard had pulled Frank into the vehicle before he'd had the chance to properly greet him, steadfastly ignoring the numerous questions Frank had thrown his way, silencing him with a quick kiss that Frank was all too happy to receive.

And now Frank found himself outside, not to mention blindfolded, his nails digging into Gerard's forearm in an attempt to keep his balance as Gerard led him into the woods, the gesture, although endearing, leaving Frank a bit frustrated since all he'd wanted to do was kiss Gerard and maybe more, not take a hike.

"Do I really have to wear this?" Frank complained after stumbling roughly - _again_ might he add, which was an act that was quickly getting tiresome after the fifth occurrence or so.

"Yes you do." Frank could tell Gerard was smirking although he couldn't see it, the expression was evident in his smug tone, but he did sling his arm around Frank's waist, making almost falling on his face every time he took a step a bit more appealing since it provided him with the opportunity to lean against Gerard's side.

"It's not like I don't know where we are going," Frank continued to argue more for the sake of filling the silence than anything else, but it was obvious that Gerard was taking him back to their spot, Frank highly doubted that Gerard knew of any other places outdoors that Frank would be at all interested in.

"True, but it's still a surprise, and I'm not going to let you ruin it for yourself."

"You're ridiculous," Frank grumbled fondly, shifting closer to Gerard as they continued to walk forward at a steady pace, or as near to one as Frank could maintain without his vision. "When I run into a tree and get a concussion, I expect you to care for me the entire time," Frank teased, enjoying Gerard's exasperated huff as well as the way he tightened his hold around Frank minutely.

"Fine, maybe I'll just take you home then and you won't get to see the present I've worked so hard to put together for you." Gerard tried to nail an offended tone, but Frank easily saw through it to the mirth bubbling beneath the surface.

"Well there is a bed there," Frank grinned cheekily, "so I don't see a problem with that." Frank couldn't help but to not so vaguely point out how he'd really wanted to spend this evening, although doing anything with Gerard was lovely, but Frank had gone without sex for months, and he wasn't embarrassed to admit that he was getting a bit desperate for it.

"Teenagers," Gerard scoffed, "always thinking with their dicks."

"Like you're any better old man," Frank shot back, swallowing down the peals of laughter that were tickling at his throat insistently. "You honestly can't tell me that you're not dying to fuck me again."

Gerard chuckled deeply then, the joyful sound melding with the air before it seeped into Frank's blood stream, leaving him giddy and ecstatic at the fact that they could joke around in this fashion, that they had gone from awkward drunken phone calls and doing their best not to stare at each other excessively during school hours to a comfortable relationship in the span of two short weeks, which was what Frank had been hoping would happen of course, but it still hadn't prepared him for how wonderful being with Gerard again truly was.

"With the way you're acting, it's a good thing I did bring you out here then since Mikey's home, and I'm not in the mood to try and keep you quiet tonight," Gerard spoke once he had contained his giggles, leaving Frank shuddering softly at his words. Having sex in the woods didn't sound all that comfortable honestly, but Frank was more than willing to try it, especially if it meant he got to be as loud as he wanted. "We're here," Gerard announced suddenly, snapping Frank out of his filthy thoughts and back into the present, his skin tingling slightly as Gerard gently removed the blindfold from around his eyes, his touch lingering maybe a bit longer than was necessary, but Frank wasn't at all inclined to complain.

And when Gerard stepped to the side, giving Frank an unobstructed view of the clearing which was so familiar to him, that was no _their_ spot, Frank found his lungs tightening in his chest and his eyes welling with tears as he drank in the change of scenery that Frank had not been expecting.

In hindsight, it was nothing to get emotional over really; Gerard had simply set up a large tent in the center of the meadow, the sides of which had been tied open to reveal a plethora of blankets and pillows on the inside. Surrounding the structure was an abundance of small lanterns that gave their location a cherry glow, highlighting the way the grass swayed in the gentle breeze as well as the look of awe that Frank could feel his face morphing into.

"Gerard...this is," Frank had to pause to suck in a deep breath, hating the way his voice was shaking so much it sounded as if he was on the verge of tears, which he wasn't, not _really_ , he was just a bit overcome by the affectionate gesture was all, "it's perfect."

And it really was, because material possessions meant nothing to Frank, but Gerard had managed to give him a true gift by enhancing a place that meant so much to him, by filling it with another wonderful memory to bury the painful ones, by taking him out in the only way he really could to a location where Frank could be himself, where Frank could be with Gerard and have no one judge him, and honestly, that was the best birthday present in the world.

"Guess you don't want to go back home now?" Gerard smirked happily, his lips hovering near the back of Frank's neck as he crowded close behind him, his fingers settling on Frank's hip bones loosely as Frank continued to gap at the setup that must have taken Gerard most of the evening to pull off. "You really like it though, and be honest with me. I know it's a bit underwhelming, but with you being so stubborn about me not getting you anything, it was the best that I could come up with."

"I love it," Frank blurted out perhaps a bit too quickly, but he wanted to reassure Gerard before he got tangled up in the belief that Frank didn't enjoy his gesture, because he _did_. It meant so much to him that Gerard had even attempted to put this together in the first place, almost as much as Gerard meant to him in general really, but Frank wasn't sure how to express that with words.

"Yeah?" Gerard queried, the upturn of his mouth physically felt as he buried his face in Frank's shoulder, squeezing him tightly as if Frank's approval was the best thing in the world. "I brought some food too, I thought we could stay out here for the night, just us, if it doesn't get too cold that is. I checked the weather beforehand, and it's not supposed to rain or anything, but you can never be sure you know -"

Frank cut Gerard off by spinning around and kissing him hard, which was something that he still hadn't fully gotten used to yet even though they'd be doing almost nothing but recently, _still_ \- it never failed to amaze him how they fit together so perfectly, how their lips moved instinctually like they were made to be doing this and only this, leaving Frank warm even with the slight chill in the air, his cheeks flushing deeply as Gerard's tongue pushed into his mouth gently when Frank didn't immediately pull away.

That kiss meant everything to Frank, although he was sure he'd say that about the next one, and the one after that, but that was the beauty of what they had, that's why Frank could never give this up, even if it was better for the both of them to go their separate ways, because he needed this, he craved the way Gerard made him feel, the security that came with being wrapped in his arms, the way his problems shriveled up and disappeared any time he so much as looked at Gerard.

Gerard was the best thing in his life, the one person that brought him true, unbridled joy, and Frank let himself sink into the sensations he only experienced around the older man even after Gerard broke the connection of their mouths so he could lead Frank toward the tent, because his tenderness and care for Frank was prevalent even when they weren't kissing in the way his hand gently linked with Frank's, in the way he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off him as they made their way forward, in the way his body was always turned in Frank's direction like he was pulled toward him at all times.

Frank crawled inside of the tent once they had reached the entrance, the thin fabric protecting him from the cold instantly, the space becoming even more inviting when Gerard joined him with a shy smile that had Frank instantly reciprocating the gesture. They sat together quietly for a moment, drinking in the sounds of nature and the presence of the other person next to them, which was something that Frank wasn't able to do often as distracted as they both were, but now nothing else existed besides the two of them, and Frank found himself wishing they could stay this way forever.

"You know I never planned on coming back here again before I met you," Frank admitted without really thinking about what he was saying. It wasn't like he particularly felt the need to break the still air that was surrounding them, but the words had bubbled out of him in an unexpected show of honesty, and now that Frank had started speaking, he didn't feel all that inclined to stop. "It hurt too much, but now it's the complete opposite. I feel safe here, because it reminds me of you and not my father."

"Frankie..." Gerard murmured softly, threading his fingers through Frank's hair as he pulled him against his chest, a pleased hum emitting from Frank as he allowed his muscles to go lax, trusting Gerard to hold him up. "It means a lot to me that I could do that for you. You've been through so much, and I want to help you, to make it better in any way that I can."

"You do Gerard, you make everything better - _honestly_ , and I hope I do the same for you at least in some small way."

"You make everything worth it."

Frank looked up when Gerard remained quiet after his short sentence, noticing the sheen to his irises and the way his hands were trembling slightly where they were pressing on Frank's spine, but Frank didn't need a verbal explanation to understand what was going through Gerard's head. He knew what he was feeling because Frank was sharing in it as well; it was adoration at its strongest, it was having someone care for you when you had given up on ever meaning anything to anyone, it was love, at least on Frank's end, and although Gerard most likely wasn't quite at that point yet, or even if he never was, Frank didn't care, because this was more than he had imagined he would receive in the way of affection, and he was more than content with that.

Frank leaned up then so he could capture Gerard's mouth in his, wanting to distract himself before the thoughts in his head made their way down to his lips, because he couldn't speak them aloud yet, but he could show Gerard how much he loved him with actions at the very least. Gerard kissed back eagerly, also seemingly glad for the excuse not to speak, his shoulders flexing as Frank dug his nails into them, stabilizing himself as hot spikes of desire began to shoot across his nerve endings.

Frank wasn't sure how long they stayed locked in that position kissing almost frantically as if neither of them could get enough, oxygen became irrelevant as long as they could continue in this fashion, their nostrils flaring and their chests burning as they crowded as close to each other as possible, trying to get nearer still even when there was no space between their intertwined bodies.

Eventually, Gerard pushed Frank backward, forcing him to relax against the soft blankets underneath him as Gerard worked his shirt off of him slowly, almost as if he was waiting for Frank to say something, or maybe as if he wasn't sure if he was allowed to view Frank in this way anymore, but he _was_ now.

Frank tried to show him that with his gaze, because in all reality, if Gerard wasn't his teacher, their relationship would be legal now, and Frank didn't want Gerard to go into this with even a hint of guilt twisting at his insides.

Gerard visibly relaxed when Frank put his hand over his, helping Gerard with the last few buttons of his flannel in a physical manifestation of how much he wanted this - wanted _him_. Frank shrugged the fabric away once they were finished, his body instantly responding to the way Gerard's pupils dilated and his mouth hung open slightly as he stared down at Frank.

"I forgot how gorgeous you are," Gerard muttered, trailing the pads of his fingers over Frank's exposed skin lightly, leaving Frank shivering under his touch even though he was anything but cold. "I missed being able to do this."

"Can I?" Frank asked when Gerard continued to be distracted by Frank's skin, tugging at Gerard's sweater so he would understand what he was asking.

"Yeah," Gerard nodded, letting Frank grasp onto the bottom of his top and lift it over his head, his hair getting mussed in the process, which of course inspired Frank to run his hands through it, using the strands to pull Gerard in for another kiss that only ended when Frank had to throw his head back to gasp for air.

Frank's inhalation turned into a moan when Gerard leaned over him, his body instantly responding to the weight and the pressure just where he needed it most, his cock which was already plump swelling even further when Gerard rocked against it gently. Frank's hips jolted forward on their own accord, his eyes falling shut and his stomach churning with need when Gerard's length rubbed heavily against his own.

"Gerard - _please_ ," Frank begged when Gerard began toying with the waistband of his jeans, every small feeling becoming impossibly amplified after going so long without, leaving Frank desperate and aching already even though they had barely started.

"I want to hear you say it, tell me what you want." Gerard's voice emitted so softly that Frank had to strain his ears to catch his words over his audible panting, but once he understood, Frank flushed darkly, his tongue drying up at the worst possible moment. It wasn't as if Frank was shy, not _anymore_ , but it was hard to concentrate on speaking when Gerard was gazing at him steadily with a look that had Frank trembling in anticipation.

"Want you," Frank finally managed to heave out, his cock twitching as Gerard began removing his pants once his words had hit the open air, "want you to fuck me."

"I will, _god_ sugar you don't know how hard it's been to wait for this."

Frank whimpered softly, his lower half lifting upward to help Gerard rid him of his jeans until he was left in nothing besides his boxers, the material tenting forward obnoxiously as Frank did his best to be patient while Gerard removed his own pants.

Gerard leaned over to the left once he was done, digging through a small bag that he must have placed in the corner before returning with a bottle of lube that Frank was so fucking grateful that he'd had the foresight to pack. Frank dug his teeth into his bottom lip as he watched Gerard slick up his fingers, his hand grazing across his length idly, the soft pressure feeling so much better than it should have, leaving Frank gasping quietly when Gerard nodded at him in a way that he knew meant it was all right for him to take off his underwear.

" _Fuck_ ," Frank hissed once he properly wrapped a hand around himself, his motions fueled by the way Gerard was gazing at him in a way that could only be described as hungry, his thighs shaking as he spread them wider, exposing himself to Gerard's rapturous stare as he pumped himself slowly.

Gerard continued to watch Frank with an almost dazed expression in his eyes, leaving Frank feeling wanted, _adored_ even, the emotions mixing in along with the lust that was flooding his entire body, leaving him more turned on than he could ever remember being before.

"So beautiful," Gerard gasped when Frank tilted his head back with a groan, his thumb brushing over his slit which was already leaking precome heavily. "Keep doing that, show me how badly you want me."

Frank whined roughly, wishing for Gerard to replace his hand with his own more than anything, but he didn't voice his complaints aloud, he was much too eager to please the other man after all, so he did as he asked, even going so far as to suck a finger into his mouth, licking at the salty digit until it was dripping in saliva before trailing it down his chest, finally reaching the juncture of his legs, stroking over his hole roughly while Gerard moaned in between clenched teeth.

"Please?" Frank pleaded again as he inched the digit inside of himself impatiently when Gerard still remained frozen, his muscles clenching down on the intrusion that he hadn't felt in far too long, "Gerard please?"

Frank was getting desperate now, although he thought he understood why Gerard was making Frank touch himself this way. He assumed that it was helping to remind the other man that Frank wanted that, that this wasn't some illicit tryst, but a partnership with consenting equals no matter what the law said, and Frank was willing to give Gerard that reassurance, but that didn't mean that he wasn't dying for Gerard to take over as well.

"Keep going," Gerard ordered, but he did shift closer to Frank, nudging his way between his splayed out thighs, one of his damp fingers tracing over his entrance as Frank continued to work himself with very little finesse, the awkward angle preventing him from doing much more than brushing against his inner walls, but even the slight drag of that coupled with Gerard's teasing strokes had Frank dizzy and out of breath within minutes.

Finally Gerard pushed one of his slender fingers alongside Frank's, the following burn leaving Frank hissing in surprise since it was rare for fingers to sting so much, but it had been ages since he had been stretched this way, and he found himself enjoying the slight edge of pain as Gerard inched another finger in carefully.

"Shit Gerard - I can't, need you," Frank gasped out when Gerard found his prostate, his hips bucking upward before pushing back down onto Gerard's hand as hard as he could, his eyes watering up at the sweet mixture of pain and pleasure that was threatening to overwhelm him.

"Shh sweetheart, just let me take care of you," Gerard muttered, gently pulling Frank's finger out of the way before replacing it with another of his own, scissoring the digits widely which had Frank crying out loudly, his heels digging into the blankets as he clutched at the base of his cock tightly, trying to contain the pressure there that was already threatening to push its way out of him much too soon. "Do you think you're ready, I don't want to hurt you."

"I am - _fuck_ , I'm going to come if you don't fuck me soon," Frank chuckled weakly, his cheeks tinting red at his admission, but Gerard knew by now how easily he could make him fall apart, and he didn't feel any shame about it, although it was a bit of an inconvenience at times.

"Alright," Gerard groaned lowly before slowly slipping his fingers out of Frank one by one, leaving him whimpering at the empty feeling, his muscles fluttering in protest although he knew what was to come would be even better. "How would you feel about being blindfolded?" Gerard added on, catching Frank off guard with the casual question even though he shouldn't be surprised by anything after hearing about Gerard's kinks. "You can say no, I was just wondering if it would be something you would like."

"I've never thought about it," Frank confessed, taking a deep breath as he weighed the pros and cons of it in his mind, because it sounded interesting, but he also wanted to be able to see Gerard when he pushed into him.

"It will make everything more intense," Gerard continued, "and you can always ask me to take it off if you don't like it."

"Let's try it," Frank nodded, reassured by the fact that he could back out if he changed his mind. He felt safe with Gerard after all, and he was curious what it would be like to be deprived of everything besides the sensation of Gerard's cock inside him, the mere thought of focusing only on such a physical thing leaving him shuddering slightly, which Gerard noticed of course.

"Head up," Gerard grinned, brandishing the item he had used to cover his eyes earlier, which Frank now noticed was one of his ties that he wore at school, which meant that he'd never be able to view the innocent article of clothing in the same way again - _fuck_ , that was going to make class much more interesting.

Frank stretched his neck forward so Gerard could place the fabric around his eyes, letting his lids fall closed as the silky material was wrapped around them. Gerard pressed a series of soft kisses to Frank's cheeks and lips when he was done, ending with a lingering kiss that had Frank chasing after his mouth even once it was obvious that he had retreated once more.

"You're gorgeous Frankie." Gerard's voice resounded louder in Frank's ears than it usually did since he was currently straining to catch onto any sounds that would let him understand what was going on now that he couldn't feel Gerard hovering over him, the compliment twisting around his spine and leaving Frank blushing heavily, his hands reaching out in Gerard's direction only to be stopped by a gentle pressure on his wrist. "No moving okay? Just let me do all the work."

Frank nodded in response, his head feeling heavy as he did his best to relax. A part of him was grateful that he was getting a few minutes to unwind, especially since he had been so close to the edge earlier, but on the other hand, Frank was forever impatient when it came to Gerard, and he had to force himself not to fidget as he heard the sound of the lube bottle being reopened and Gerard's soft sigh which Frank could only assume meant he was touching himself.

"Condom?" Gerard asked, even though Frank thought they had already reached a decision on not using those, but that was before everything had fallen apart, before they had been ripped away from each other all because of Frank's age, before they had decided to try again despite the odds not being in their favor.

The fact that Gerard had thought to check with Frank again touched him, because it was just another way that he was showing that he cared, that he always put Frank first no matter what he wanted, and _fuck_ \- Frank would never stop appreciating that.

"No," Frank answered when he realized that Gerard was still waiting on his reply, "just you."

Frank gasped aloud when he felt the blankets shift underneath him followed by Gerard's warm hands on his thighs, spreading him wider as he rubbed his length against Frank's hole, letting Frank know that he was there, that he could still speak up if the blindfold was too much, but Frank didn't want to take it off now, not when everything felt so amazing when he wasn't expecting it, not when it seemed as if he was entirely in Gerard's control.

"Relax sugar," Gerard whispered, and it was only then that Frank realized he was tensing up in anticipation, his body already trying to drag Gerard's cock deeper into him although it was still just pressing against his stretched entrance. "I'm going to make you feel so good."

And true to his word, Gerard pushed in just then, slowly working himself into Frank at a steady past that had Frank moaning loudly, the burn coupled with the heavy weight of Gerard's cock nudging its way inside of him had him choking on his exclamation, because _fuck_ \- Gerard was right, this felt so good, better than usual, and even though part of that might be because they hadn't been together in months, Frank reminded himself to ask to be blindfolded more often if it was going to produce more sensations like this.

" _Oh god_ ," Frank hissed when Gerard bottomed out, his body struggling to accommodate his size even though Frank actually wasn't feeling that much pain, it was just overwhelming being so full again. He'd forgotten how incredible it was to be connected to Gerard in this fashion, and Frank knew that he would do everything he could to make sure he never lost this privilege again.

"You okay sugar?" Gerard asked, his fingers brushing some of Frank's hair back from his face, the touch surprising him since he couldn't see it, but he still leaned into it hungrily, his hand tracing over Gerard's arm which was taut and strained, the muscles pulled tight thanks to the self-control he was currently imposing on himself.

"Yeah, _god_ -" Frank cut himself off with a choked whine when Gerard moved slightly, nudging his prostate in the process, "so fucking okay."

"Always so tight," Gerard whispered almost to himself as he pulled back out practically all the way, leaving only the head of his cock trapped inside of Frank, "missed this so much."

Frank wanted to respond, to say that he did too, that Gerard felt amazing as always, or _something_ , but Gerard shoved back in just then, ripping a harsh cry out of Frank's lips that he didn't even have time to try and bite back, but it didn't matter here, they were alone for once, making Frank even more grateful for Gerard's choice in their current location.

Frank continued to gasp and whimper as Gerard set up a steady pace, his hands scrabbling against the fabric underneath him until Gerard pinned his wrists down, placing just enough weight on them for Frank to feel trapped in the best way possible, but also like he could pull away if he wanted. The change in angle was better as well, because now with Gerard leaning over him like this, his prostate was being hit constantly, increasing the coiling pressure in Frank's stomach quickly no matter how hard Frank tried to push back his impending orgasm.

Frank found himself becoming lost in the slick drag of Gerard's cock inside of him, in the brilliant bursts of pleasure that wracked his body, in the muttered compliments that fell from Gerard's lips every time Frank clenched around him. Frank was so close already he couldn't even decipher the sounds he was making, or if he was even making any at all, but he could hear Gerard, he could feel him all around him, and Frank had never felt so safe than he did in that moment.

"You're so perfect Frank, absolutely perfect," Gerard's voice cut through the haze of pleasure that was coating Frank's brain, his words slicing into him with a shocking amount of force, and Frank knew that no matter how many times he heard that term, it would never stop being special to him. "I'm so lucky to have you."

"I - _fuck_ ," Frank cried, his head thrashing back and forth as his cock swelled and pulsed suddenly, his fragile grip on himself shattering underneath Gerard's sentence and the way Gerard was pushing against the most sensitive spot inside. "I'm gonna come - _shit_."

Frank's warning almost arrived too late; he was sputtering across his stomach before Gerard could finish wrapping his hand around his length, a drawn out moan coupled with Gerard's name tearing its way out of him as the blackness covering his eyes became tinged with a faint shade of blue at the edges, his body quivering wildly as his cock continued to twitch in Gerard's palm, his orgasm leaving him breathless and exhausted when it finally ended, which seemed to be years after it began.

"Fuck baby, I'll never get tired of seeing you like this, you look so good, I - _ahh_ ," Gerard hissed under his breath, his rhythm going sloppy before he shoved into Frank one last time, holding himself there as he coated his insides with his release, causing Frank to gasp quietly at the hot rush, the sensation still pleasurable even though he was oversensitive, and sore, and dazed.

Frank tried to move, to wrap his arms around Gerard before he could pull out, but his muscles had turned to jelly, and it was only when Gerard unwrapped the blindfold from around his face that Frank realized that Gerard had already shifted his position, leaving his hands free even though it didn't do him much good now.

Frank smiled blearily at Gerard since he also seemed to have forgotten how to speak, the grin stretching across his face even when Gerard leaned down and kissed him slowly.

"How did I go so long without that?" Frank mumbled around his thick tongue when Gerard pulled away, his words emerging in an unsteady tone that had Frank flushing once he heard it.

"I was just asking myself the same thing," Gerard giggled as he returned to the bag in the corner, emerging with what looked to be a washcloth which he then used to wipe Frank down with, causing Frank's muscles to quiver underneath his touch, his skin still overly attuned to everything even now that he could see again. "Happy birthday again by the way, I know I've said that probably ten times already, but seriously Frank, I'm so glad I got to share this day with you."

"This has been the best birthday ever," Frank admitted, a yawn breaking up his sentence as Gerard covered him with one of the clean blankets, making sure Frank was comfortable before joining him, a pleased sound rumbling out of his chest when Frank instantly snuggled into his side.

"You deserve so much more, but I'll always try to give you the best of everything."

Frank sighed against Gerard's skin, hating how Gerard always painted himself in such an unflattering light, but right now, he didn't have the energy to argue with him, and he knew that Gerard wasn't being self-deprecating on purpose. Frank would keep showing Gerard how wonderful he truly was, and with time, hopefully he would view himself differently.

Not wanting to breach the sensitive topic at the moment, especially not when Gerard didn't seem truly upset, Frank simply tugged him down for a quick kiss, glorifying in the way he and Gerard shared the same air, and in the way Gerard held him close, because as amazing as the sex had been, these little moments would always be precious as well.

This was when Frank felt the most love for Gerard, this was when he had to bite his tongue to hold that admission back, and maybe one day he would let it emerge from his throat and onto Gerard's ears, but not tonight. For the rest of the evening, he just wanted to lie here with Gerard and enjoy the warmth and adoration he could feel pouring from the other man who was a literal gift all on his own.


	32. Time Flies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there long time no see.
> 
> I hope some of you are still here and if you are I am very grateful for your patience.
> 
> I am attempting to get myself vaguely back on track writing wise which includes making this story a priority again. I can't promise consistent updates because when do I ever manage that but this is no longer on hold and I truly intend to keep it that way.
> 
> I'm a bit out of touch with this story and its characters so if anyone notices any plot holes or things I mess up either now or in the future please let me know so I can fix them.
> 
> Also please don't call the number in the chapter I just made it up and I have no idea if it's real or not.

Time passed in that fleeting fashion it has, proving the old saying true since it only seemed to fly by when Frank was actually enjoying himself, which he was now that he had Gerard in his life. It seemed like just yesterday that Frank had turned eighteen, but now months had slipped by, Christmas had gone, and January was quickly coming to a close as well.

This was the first time in years that Frank had been looking forward to the holidays. Typically he spent the day with his mother playing happy family until he could escape to Pete's home for a real Christmas celebration, which he still did, but then he headed over to Gerard's for the evening. He had helped him and Mikey make dinner, or attempted anyway, and although the turkey had been borderline inedible, falling asleep in Gerard's arms was the best gift Frank could have asked for.

The holidays had been a lovely blur to Frank, most of his days were lately, and for once, he wasn't just surviving, but _living_. The bad occurrences were drowned out by the good, mostly Gerard if Frank was being honest, even if they still had to be careful with their relationship.

It was hard at times to keep their secret, but Frank was becoming adjusted to it. The most important people in his life knew anyway, mainly Pete, Ryan, and Brendon. Gerard even came with Frank to spend time with his friends at the bar, not just to drink. His efforts to interject himself into Frank's life meant the world to him, although Pete wasn't willing to hang out with Gerard yet, he still didn't like when he was mentioned all that much, but that was fine, Frank didn't expect his friend to instantly accept the man again, if ever, although he hoped that one day he would.

Sometimes Frank wished that he and Gerard had a more traditional relationship, one that his best friend would approve of, one that he could flaunt proudly whenever he wanted, but Gerard was worth all of the worries, and the bouts of fear, and the hiding, because he made Frank happy, so he would do everything he could to keep their status just between them and the people he trusted, he wasn't going to fuck this up, because they deserved this joy, and Frank refused to lose it by slipping up in any way.

And Frank was determined to do just that. They had made it so far already, and now his graduation date was in sight, so they could do this, and then they could truly be together - _hopefully_. Frank knew all of their problems wouldn't magically disappear once he was finished with high school, he would always have his mother to deal with after all, not to mention Gerard could still get in trouble if anyone discovered that they had been dating while Frank was his student, but Frank was going to think positively for once until he was given a reason not to.

Frank had no idea what was going to happen once May came and went, when he would be officially considered an adult in society's eye, he never had actually, even before Gerard came into his life, but at least now he had hope. He always assumed he'd simply start working full time at the restaurant, that he'd take care of his mother until she became too much for him to handle, but he had no goals, no aspirations for himself, not really.

How could he when he always had his mother to worry about, and _yes_ \- she was vaguely functioning now, but Frank knew she would get worse, she was already declining, which meant that college was iffy, if not out of the question entirely.

Frank wasn't even sure if he could afford a higher education, they weren't exactly well off, but he could probably swing the local community college, especially if he got a scholarship or two, but so far he hadn't been approached by any colleges.

He was a good student, but he wasn't especially driven, he couldn't even pick what degree he'd like to pursue if he was asked, so continuing on with school always seemed pointless to Frank. Maybe he would at least complete his basics though, inspiration might hit him later on if he did, and Frank had a feeling that once he stopped going to school, it would be difficult to get back into it if he changed his mind later.

But now he at least he other things to look forward to, he had a boyfriend, and motivation to change his life if the path he was traveling down ended up not working out for him. Things had already changed for the better for him, and Frank wasn't going to forget that, even if thinking of the future left him feeling nervous and unsure about what he was doing with himself.

And there was so much to be thankful for in the present, at least to Frank there was, so thoughts of what was coming next could wait until those events drew nearer. Gerard had continued to improve, he hadn't had a mental break in quite some time, and Frank loved seeing the older man slowly healing as he did the same. His relationship with Pete continued to repair itself as well, and now most of the awkward tension that had plagued the air when they had gotten together before had leeched away.

In fact, Frank was just returning from Pete's house. He had dropped by on his way home from school to help Pete with some homework he was struggling with, but now he had to hurry back to his own place before his mother got home, leaving him with no time to see Gerard, but that was okay. Frank had begun to accept that he would never be able to spend as many hours as he wished with his boyfriend, but he knew Gerard would call him later, and perhaps he might even be able to sneak by for a quick visit if his mother fell asleep early enough.

Frank hoisted his backpack higher up on his shoulder as he approached his front door, waving to the mailman who had apparently just finished putting their mail in the slot. Frank picked up the small pile of letters once he was inside, intending to toss them into the box they used to store such things until he had time to go through it and search out the important bills that his mother would surely forget to pay if he didn't do so himself.

But as Frank deposited the envelopes in their appointed place, a familiar name caught his eye, causing his heart to stutter in his chest and his breath to hitch in his lungs as he read over the small line of handwritten text once more just to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

But no, Frank's eyes hadn't been playing tricks on him, because the letter which was addressed to both him and his mother had a return address on it, and the name above it was none other than his _father's_ , which was the last person he ever expected to receive any mail from, but now that he had, he had no idea how to feel about it.

Frank's hands shook as he fished the envelope out of the stack of others, his mind churning and his stomach flipping over as he tried to process that his father was finally trying to get in contact with him after years of silence.

Frank almost didn't want to read what he had chosen to say, because he was finally moving on, he was recovering from the loss of his father, or at least pretending it didn't bother him as much as it did, but _fuck_ \- this felt like a slap in the face, and the muted pain that Frank had buried deep inside himself returned with a sudden resurgence of agony, leaving Frank winded and aching as his fingers tore through the thin paper without him making a conscious decision to open the letter.

But it was too late now, his curiosity had gotten the better of him, and Frank knew he had to see what his father had decided to pen down, even if it hurt. Frank couldn't forget about it now, so it would be better to face this all at once instead of letting it fester inside of him.

So he blinked his eyes numerous times, forcing his vision to focus on his father's scrawl which was once something he saw often, but now it was a foreign thing that evoked painful memories. Frank pressed on though, struggling to decipher the meaning of the words instead of simply the shape of the letters.

_I guess I should address this to Linda since Frank never reads these although it is him that they are intended for._

_I'm not sure why I keep writing either way, but I don't want to give up on our son, even if he hates me._

_Not much has changed since Christmas, so I will keep this short, and most of what I would like to talk about involves my husband, who you don't care about._

_I wish I could talk to you about these things, but I know I don't deserve that. I hate that I hurt you the way that I did, that I lost you as my family, but I still want you and Frank to be a part of my life, I promise, even if you won't believe me._

_I just wanted to tell you that I've changed my cell number, so if Frank has a change of heart, or by some miracle you do, you can now reach me at 213-5556._

_Can you please ask Frank to call me?_

_I doubt you will, but I miss him._

_I won't expect a reply, but I hope you both are doing well._

_\- Frank_

Frank couldn't accurately explain the emotions he was experiencing as he finished skimming his father's brief letter, but if he had to pick one term to describe it, he would go with shock, or maybe confusion, because what the actual fuck did this all mean?

Frank's father didn't care about him, he left without a word, he hadn't tried to contact Frank since that terrible day, except apparently he had, and Frank was left shaken and unsure of what to believe as he read over the note again, just to make sure that he wasn't dreaming this up.

But this seemed real, and after pinching himself harshly, Frank had to accept that everything he thought he knew about his father might very well be a lie. He'd been writing to him, he'd apparently sent a letter around Christmas time, and he missed Frank - he actually _wanted_ to talk to him, so why hadn't Frank known about this before?

Frank flipped the envelope back over just to make sure that it was indeed from his father, which it was, but Frank also noticed the return address, which was somewhere in New York. That meant his father was only a train ride away, or a short car trip if he could get the vehicle from his mother, and for some reason, that also surprised Frank. In his head, it was almost as if his father had fallen off the face of the earth, or moved to another country, but _no_ \- he'd been within reach this entire time, Frank had just been unaware of that fact.

Frank couldn't understand how this had happened, he had tried to reach out to his father when he left so many times, and all of his attempts had been ignored. Frank usually went through the mail too, so he would have seen any previous letters - _unless_ \- fucking hell, Frank's mother must have hidden them from him.

Frank didn't want to believe it of her, but it was the only logical explanation. He typically did as he had today with the mail, he tossed it into the bin or on the table and dealt with it later, leaving his mother with ample opportunities to search through it if she so wished. Frank hated to assume that she would do something so cruel, but he knew her, he was aware of her hatred for his father and his lifestyle, but would she really stoop this low?

Frank was filled with a hot spike of anger for his mother if she had indeed done this, but she didn't deserve all the blame either. She was unwell, Frank knew this, and his father wasn't a saint in this either. They hadn't moved, he knew where they lived, so if he really missed Frank, he could have visited, or maybe called Frank back after all the times he had tried to reach out to him.

Frank didn't like jumping to conclusions, so he attempted to calm down even as his fury continued to increase, but just then, he heard keys in the door, which meant his mother was home, and he was determined to receive some answers to the numerous questions that were bouncing around angrily in his head.

"Hey Frank, how was school?" his mother asked in a tired tone of voice when she made her way into the kitchen, not seeming to notice the letter Frank had clenched in his fist or his stiff posture as she wandered further inside.

Usually, Frank would be ecstatic that his mother had remembered his name, or that she was inquiring after his well-being at all, but not today. At least her lucidity would most likely work in his favor, because if she didn't know who he was, pushing her for information on his father would most likely not end well for either of them.

"What is this?" Frank hissed coldly, trying and failing to stop the trembling of his limbs as he thrust his father's letter in his mother's direction, making sure to tilt the envelope upward so she would able to read who it was from.

Frank watched as a look of horror tinged with guilt crossed over his mother's face, her eyes widening in fear as they darted away quickly, but it was too late to hide her visceral reaction, and Frank was now convinced that his mother had known about these all along, that she had been hiding them from him, which fucking stung knowing that both of his parents had wounded him so harshly, not just his father.

"Where did you get that?" his mother finally replied, but not with the apology Frank had been hoping for, earning her a hateful roll of his eyes as he chased after her retreating figure.

"It was in the mail mom, where else would it be?"

"You shouldn't have opened that," was his mother's response, and that was it, Frank was done playing nice now, so he stepped in front of his mother, stopping her retreating footsteps as he crossed his arms over his chest angrily.

"No - _you_ shouldn't have kept this from me, because I know there are other letters, which you probably have somewhere if you didn't throw them away already," Frank scoffed spitefully. "I can't believe you Mom, how could you do this to me?"

"Frank, I'm tired, can we do this later?" his mother tried a different escape route, but Frank ignored the soft tug of pity that filled his chest, because he couldn't put this off, he had to understand, and his mother owed him an explanation for her deception, even if nothing she could say would make this any better.

"We are doing this now, so I am going to ask you again, why did you think it was a good idea to keep these from me, why didn't you tell me Dad was trying to get in contact with us?"

"Because I was trying to protect you Frank!" his mother yelled back, her loud tone startling him with its sudden intensity. "Your father isn't a good person, he's sick, and I can't have him infecting you. So _yes_ \- I made sure to hide the letters away, but it's for the best. He left, he doesn't care about us, only his sins, and you don't need to be exposed to that sort of person."

"How dare you," Frank whispered, his words dripping with venom as he backed away from his mother slowly, "I know you carry those stupid beliefs, but you had no right to push them on me, or to keep me from my father, and you know what, you're the sick one. You'd be lost without me, but instead of thanking me for everything I do for you, you pull shit like this."

"You can't speak to me that way young man," his mother tried to interject, but Frank wasn't finished speaking just yet.

"Actually, I can, because I am an adult now, I've been one for years, you're just too blind to see it, and you need to hear this. I pay the bills here, I make sure we stay afloat, I'm the one who gets you up in the morning so you won't miss work, and you still have the audacity to treat me like a child."

"Frank -"

"Just shut up okay - leave me alone," Frank screeched, his vision swimming with tears as the implications of everything his mother had done truly began to sink in.

Who knows what else she had kept from him, or what other attempts his father had made to be a part of his life she had thwarted. Frank was so furious he was literally shaking, and he knew he had to get away from his mother before he did something he would later on regret.

Frank was so tempted to spill everything to her, to shout that he was gay as well, that he had known he was even before his father announced his own sexuality, that he had a boyfriend that he loved, and that nothing she said or did could change the way he was, but Frank knew it wouldn't help, that she wouldn't understand, and as much as he hated that fact, it was his reality, and he would only be shooting himself in the foot if he let the information out, so he bit his tongue just like always.

"I'm sorry," his mother spoke up meekly, but Frank had no idea if that was another lie or not, and he highly doubted she meant it, if anything she was only saying it to get Frank to calm down.

"Yeah, so am I," Frank mumbled, "I need to go, make sure you eat dinner okay?"

Frank exited the room without another word, grabbing his backpack on the way out before slamming the door loudly behind him, the immature action bringing him the slightest sense of relief as his feet carried him far away from his home which felt more toxic now than it ever had.

Frank was well aware that he couldn't leave forever, because as much as he despised his mother for what she had done, he wouldn't truly abandon her. She needed him, whether she admitted it or not, and Frank wasn't that heartless to let her flounder on her own.

But for today, he needed space, he needed to forget about all of this until he could process it better. He had no idea if he should try to find his father, or how he was going to deal with his mother after this betrayal, but if he tried to sort through the mess in his brain right now, he was going to break.

So Frank turned his feet toward the one place that would offer him comfort, which was Gerard's of course. He ached to lose himself in the other man's touch, to let his calming presence erase the cloud of confusion that was threatening to smother him.

Frank debated calling Gerard to let him know he was on his way, but he was already halfway there by the time the thought crossed his mind, and he doubted Gerard needed a warning. He was always willing to drop everything for Frank, even if he was busy grading papers or something like that, he made sure Frank knew he came first, and that meant the world to Frank.

Frank knew Gerard couldn't fix everything, he wasn't a permanent bandage, but Frank didn't need that, he was just searching for a distraction from the shit storm that he had found himself in, which Gerard always provided, and maybe later he would mend things, but right now, he only wanted to forget.

 


	33. Distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This literally took me months to write but it's done now and I am so proud of myself.
> 
> I've been struggling with a lot of mental issues lately and I've been put on depression meds which at first made me worse but now I am on a new brand and I seem to be able to vaguely function again.
> 
> I am determined to keep writing though, this brings me a sense of accomplishment that so few things do and no matter how long it takes me I promise to create new updates eventually.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your patience.
> 
> I love you more than I can ever say xxx

"Frank?" Gerard questioned warily when he opened the door of his apartment complex after hearing a series of rapid knocks, his eyes widening as he glanced over the apparently distressed younger man with what he was sure was a concerned look. "You didn't tell me you were coming over."

Not that Gerard minded Frank's unexpected arrival of course, but Frank usually at least called and asked first. Frank shrugged helplessly as he walked inside when Gerard motioned for him to do so, his shoulders which had been tensed to the point of rigidity relaxing by a small margin when he entered the living room.

"I'm sorry, I should have asked first, but I needed to get away," Frank exhaled heavily.

"Away from what?" Gerard dared to ask, although he was unsure of how Frank would react to his questioning.

" _Everything_ \- just, I can't talk about it yet okay," Frank choked out. "Please distract me."

"Okay, yeah, I can do tha-"

Gerard was cut off when Frank surged forward, attaching their mouths together in a heated kiss. Gerard was well aware that this was Frank's usual coping methods for dealing with things he wasn't ready to face, and even if he wasn't sure what the problem was, this was something he knew he could help Frank with.

Gerard was still slightly in awe of the fact that Frank had chosen him to be this person for him, that he wanted Gerard to be his shelter from the harsh realities of the world, that he cared for him so much that he trusted him in his most vulnerable moments.

Gerard didn't think he was worthy of this task, although he wanted to be, but Frank deserved so much better than him. Gerard had tried to show him that, to give him the opportunity to leave, but Frank had stubbornly remained, so Gerard was determined to be the best boyfriend that he could for Frank until he realized his error, even if that would never be good enough for the wonderful boy who was currently pressed against him.

Gerard might not be right for Frank, but he could assist him in this, so he let Frank steal the air from his lungs until some of his pent-up emotions seemed to ease for a moment, his arms wrapping around his torso in a supporting manner when Frank sagged against him as their lips broke apart.

"Do you want to try something new?" Gerard suggested when Frank began bucking into him needily, his cock straining against the fabric of his jeans as he rubbed against Gerard suggestively.

"Like what?" Frank whispered breathily, his eyes already carrying the glazed over quality that meant he was slipping away from whatever was causing him so much pain and sinking into the lust pumping through his bloodstream instead.

"Get in the bedroom and I'll show you," Gerard smirked, his teeth biting into his lower lip to suppress a laugh when Frank all but ran down the short hallway, tossing his shirt off as he went.

Gerard followed at a slightly slower pace, mulling over what he actually wanted to do in his head. He knew what Frank needed, he wanted to let go of his concerns, to give over control to Gerard for at least a short time, and he could think of numerous activities that would help him achieve that, but he wasn't entirely certain which one to pick.

Frank was already waiting for him on the bed, his chest heaving lightly as he stared at Gerard when he walked into the small space. A smile instinctively turned Gerard's lips up at the corners when he saw him lying there - his _boyfriend_ \- god that would never get old.

Gerard had decided he must have done something incredible act in another life to earn him Frank in this one, because he sure as hell hadn't earned him, or maybe this was the one good thing that the universe had decided to grace him with. Gerard didn't really believe in karma, or religion, or any of that, but some other force must have intervened to give him someone like Frank, there was really no other explanation that he could think of.

"Gerard," Frank whimpered quietly when he didn't immediately move since he was distracted by his inner musings. "Please, I need you."

"Do you sugar?" Gerard grinned. He shook off his thoughts with a mental brush of his hand so he could focus on the now, letting his knees hit the edge of the mattress as he leaned over Frank teasingly. "You're so worked up, and I've barely even touched you yet."

"Wanna touch you," Frank begged, his hands reaching out in an attempt to pull Gerard on top of him, but he dodged out of his grasp easily.

"Nuh uh, this is about you," Gerard admonished him, his mind settling on what he was going to do to Frank to make sure he forgot about whatever was plaguing him, at least for now. "Pants off," Gerard ordered, doing his best to keep a straight face as Frank scrambled to comply.

When Frank was completely undressed, Gerard finally allowed himself to kiss him again, his tongue plundering Frank's mouth with a fierce intensity that he had never before felt with anyone else. Frank did something to his insides, he made him burn and ache and need more than he ever had in the past, and he loved it, but sometimes it scared him how attached he was to this boy that legally he shouldn't even be with.

But now wasn't the time to remember that fact, he was determined to pay attention to Frank and only Frank, not his doubts or self-loathing, so that is what he did, keeping their mouths connected as he trailed his fingers down Frank's torso. He brushed over his peaked nipples before moving lower, his nails digging into the small trail of hair leading down toward Frank's cock which was already pressing up against his stomach eagerly. Frank whined quietly against Gerard's lips, his hips tilting upward in a silent plea for more, which Gerard was helpless to deny.

He let his hand wrap around the base of Frank's cock, slowly stroking him at a pace that he was sure Frank found tortuous and delicious all at once. Gerard hadn't tried this with Frank yet, he usually let him come as often as he wanted, but he was curious to see how Frank would react to being brought to the brink then denied his orgasm, hoping that the need to release would completely distract him from everything else that was swirling around in his head.

"You're teasing," Frank exhaled shakily, his eyes fluttering closed as his head fell back to rest against the pillow.

"I am," Gerard nodded. "You want to come already don't you greedy boy?"

"Yeah, please - _need it_ ," Frank groaned, his lashes brushing against his flushed cheeks as his cock pulsed in Gerard's hand as if in protest to his slow motions.

"Can you hold off for me?" Gerard asked as he began moving his wrist faster, dragging a harsh groan out of Frank as he teased his slit with the pad of his thumb.

"Uh - _fuck_ ," Frank shuddered, his eyes blinking open blearily, his dilated pupils locking onto Gerard's visage almost instantly before darting down to his leaking dick. "I don't know."

"I think you can, I know you can be good," Gerard encouraged him, continuing to work his length as Frank trembled and gasped as the sensations spread through his nerve endings.

"I - I'm so close already," Frank cried out, his lids squeezing shut again and his teeth gritting together as he fought back his release, "but I wanna be good."

"I know you do, you're so good for me always," Gerard soothed him while slowing down, making sure to draw Frank back from the edge before he tipped too far over, "so good that I think you deserve my fingers."

"Oh fuck - _please?_ " Frank exhaled heavily, his legs spreading automatically as Gerard scooted off the bed so he could reach his dresser, retrieving the lube he always kept there since Frank had come into his world before returning to Frank's prone frame.

"So eager always," Gerard chuckled darkly. "I love it." He adjusted himself in his pants which were quickly becoming much too tight for his liking, his dick all but screaming for his touch, but this was all about Frank, he could take care of himself once his boyfriend was satiated. "Tell me if you need me to stop at any time," Gerard reminded him, because he could already feel his mind clouding over with the dominant nature the Frank invoked in him, and he didn't want to take this too far, especially when Frank was fragile.

There was just something about this though, being in control, having someone trust him so much that they would let them do anything to their body that had Gerard soaring higher than he did when he snorted up. He used to be the giver, the person who trusted his partner with himself and his pleasure, but after so many bad experiences, he couldn't bring himself to do that anymore, so he had learned how to be the one in charge, and he liked it more than he thought he would. He had done this was others of course, but when he was with Frank, everything was amplified a thousandfold, and Gerard felt giddy and powerful as he slicked up his fingers, his cock pulsing against his thigh as Frank groaned happily when Gerard pressed inside him without any more preamble.

Gerard would never get used to Frank's reactions, to how tight he always was, or how warm. The explicit noises he made ignited Gerard's blood and filled him with a sense of accomplishment that he had never before felt, not on stage, not in the classroom, not _anywhere_ \- Frank was all that mattered to him now. Gerard twisted his fingers steadily, angling them in the direction he had learned would have Frank falling apart within minutes, making sure to brush his prostate repeatedly as he thrust in and out of him, listening for Frank's hitched inhalations which were alerting him to how close he was getting to his release.

" _Gerard_ ," Frank cried out, his spine arching upward as Gerard pressed against his most sensitive area with a bit more force than he had been previous, "please - I need to come."

"Not yet," Gerard admonished him, pushing his fingers in one last time before pulling them out completely just before Frank lost it, earning himself a disgruntled whine from Frank.

"Why are you doing this?" Frank all but sobbed, his hands twitching at his sides as he spoke.

Gerard knew he was aching to reach down and grab his cock, he could physically see how badly Frank need to come in the blush that was staining his neck and chest and the rigidity of his muscles, but that was the point of all of this, and Gerard knew that Frank would thank him in the end.

"It's edging baby, remember what I said, how much I like this?" Gerard reminded him gently when Frank seemed a bit more coherent.

" _Fuck_...this is cruel," Frank laughed throatily, "but you will let me come eventually right?"

"I will, and it'll be amazing, I promise you."

"Prove it," Frank growled quietly, but Gerard wasn't going to give in so easily.

He did insert two fingers back inside of Frank's tight heat, working him to the point of ecstasy quickly once again. Frank grew louder than Gerard have ever heard him, his mouth hanging open and his hair dripping with sweat as Gerard stretched his insides with his hand, eventually adding a third finger when he was sure that Frank could take it.

Frank was shaking heavily now, his lungs working rapidly as he tried to comply with Gerard's wishes. Gerard silently thanked his luck that Mikey wasn't home right now, because _god_ \- Frank was loud, and Gerard loved it. He wanted to make Frank's volume increase, to have him screaming, so he curved his body downward until his face was hovering over Frank's stretched hole, darting his tongue out briefly to lick at his knuckles which were being clenched by the tight ring of muscles encircling them.

And Frank did scream them, his body bowing off of the bed before he pushed back down onto Gerard's face, a violent tremor wracking his frame as Gerard licked inside of him messily, twisting his tongue alongside his fingers until he felt the telltale clenching which meant that Frank was seconds away from shooting all over himself.

Gerard stopped then of course, even though he was tempted to let Frank come. He'd been so patient after all, but Gerard wasn't quite ready to give up on his game just yet. He excepted Frank's cry of dismay when he removed his fingers and tongue from his ass, but much to his delight, Frank didn't voice any verbal disappointment, he simply lay there and waited for Gerard to make his next move.

"You're amazing, you know that?" Gerard murmured quietly, his heart swelling with affection as he watched Frank twist underneath him subtly, his cock bobbing softly against his abdomen, leaking precome across his skin as he tried not to move too much as Gerard observed him.

He seemed completely lost now, but in a good way, in the way Gerard wanted him to be. His entire concentration was focused on not coming, on being good, and not on whatever had driven him to Gerard's place on the verge of tears.

"I -" Frank finally spoke when Gerard bent down to kiss at his hip bones gently, sucking lightly in the hopes of leaving a mark that he could look at later to remind himself that Frank was his.

"What is it Frankie?" Gerard pressed, using the time he was given while he waited for Frank's response to unfasten his jeans and shove them down just enough so he could release his aching dick from the confines of the hash material.

"Please...it _hurts_ ," Frank whimpered, his nails digging into the sheets as he spoke, perspiration coating his torso as he turned his body in Gerard's direction pleadingly, his cock all but begging for release.

"Yeah, okay sugar. You've been so wonderful, so I think you deserve to come now," Gerard finally gave in, knowing that anymore teasing would be more of a cruelty instead of a kindness.

So Gerard wrapped his lips around the head of Frank's dick, sinking down to the base as quickly as he could go as well as reinserting two fingers into Frank's ass, curling them in just the right way to have Frank crying out so loudly that Gerard was certain that his neighbors had heard them, but he really didn't give a fuck if they did or not.

Gerard began stroking himself with his free hand as he hollowed his cheeks around Frank, pressing his tongue against the ticking vein on the underside of his cock as he thrust into his own fist. A muffled groan left his lips as he continued to work himself with his hand, which caused Frank to thrash back and forth when the vibrations traveled down his length and through his overwhelmed body.

And this time, when Frank began shaking and tensing up, Gerard didn't stop, he just increased the suction with his lips, trying to bring Frank all the ecstasy he could possibly manage. It was only second later that Frank was calling out his name hoarsely, his hips jerking upward as his cock swelled in Gerard's mouth, a bitter taste splashing across his tongue as Frank came heavily, and kept coming.

This was why Gerard loved edging, because the end result was always worth it, and Frank seemed to agree by the noises he was making. Gerard swallowed thickly around Frank, some of his come dribbling out of the corners of his mouth as he tried to keep up with Frank's intense release. He only pulled away when Frank began to whimper quietly, oversensitivity kicking in quicker than usual after such a hard orgasm.

" _Fucking hell_ Frank, so perfect," Gerard groaned when he had removed the last traces of Frank's spunk from his mouth, his hand working furiously over his cock as he bent over the younger man, pushing the head of his dick against Frank's sweat slick stomach as he chased his release feverishly. "Going to make me come just by watching you get off, _god_ \- I'm so hard for you."

"Do it," Frank gasped weakly, his finger fluttering weakly at his sides as if he wanted to reach out and help Gerard reach his peak but he didn't seem to contain the strength to actually move his worn out limbs, not that Gerard needed the help, he was so close that by the time Frank got a hand around him it would most likely be too late.

Gerard moaned sharply when he felt his balls draw up and his length pulsing, his orgasm approaching its peak much quicker than he thought it would, but he had stopped being surprised at how easily Frank managed to get him off quite some time ago. As horrendously cheesy as it sounded, Frank seemed to reach something deep inside of him, to touch his soul even, to make him feel things he wasn't even aware that a human could experience, and Gerard would never stop being thankful for him for stepping into his life when he had.

But Gerard's lofty thoughts were disrupted as he began shooting across his knuckles suddenly, an obscene sound leaving his lips as he decorated Frank's stomach with his come, his body jerking forward unsteadily until the powerful sensations began to ease. Gerard collapsed down next to Frank when his cock finally stopped twitching, his eyes fluttering sleepy when Frank nuzzled into him as if it was some automatic programming he had hardwired into himself.

"You good sugar?" Gerard managed to ask when he could speak again, his tongue feeling dry in his mouth as the words skated across it, but he was much too comfortable to go searching for a glass of water right now.

"Much better now," Frank nodded slowly, "that was fucking intense. I haven't come that hard in ages."

"Edging does have its advantages if you are patient," Gerard replied smugly. "It wasn't too much for you was it?" Gerard checked, because although Frank seemed sated, he had to make sure he hadn't crossed any lines.

"No, it was amazing, I promise," Frank mumbled happily. "You always know how to make me feel better."

"Luckily for me, you are easy to please," Gerard laughed quietly, wrapping his arm around Frank's back tightly, ignorant to the mess they were making of his sheets as Frank spread his come across the fabric. "I'm glad you came to me," Gerard added on after a few moments of silence, pretending to ignore the way Frank stiffened up against him, not wanting to return him to his previously distressed state by saying anything else.

"I am too," Frank finally responded. "I am sorry for this, I should have asked before just showing up, but I just - it was all too much, my mom...and my dad...and I don't know who to trust anymore besides you."

"Oh Frank," Gerard whispered, not knowing what other words to utter. He knew Frank didn't have the easiest life, but he was foggy on the details, and he didn't feel qualified to offer advice or comfort when he wasn't entirely sure what was going on.

"It's okay, I'm fine, it was just really unexpected, and I sort of lost it on my mom earlier," Frank sighed wearily.

"You don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to Frank," Gerard reminded him, even though he was curious to what had occurred, but if talking about it was going to make Frank feel worse, Gerard would contain his intrigue and focus on comforting Frank the best that he could.

He knew that talking about his problems rarely helped, at least not in his case. He had done therapy, pills, the works, and he was just as fucked up as he had always been. Shoving everything down worked much better for him than anything the professionals had advised, and the same seemed to apply to Frank, but Gerard also wanted him to know that he was there for him if he wanted to unload his issues without making him feel like he was obliged to discuss them with him.

"No, I want to, I have to tell someone or I'll go insane, and I'm calmer now thanks to you." Frank inhaled loudly, as if he was steeling himself for whatever he was about to reveal next, saving Gerard from deciding if he should change the subject or not. "I already told you my dad left, two years ago, well, a bit more than that now. He actually divorced my mom for a man, which she has never forgiven him for. I have of course, I mean, it would be a bit hypocritical of me not to, but it still hurt that he abandoned me, and I've never really gotten over it."

"That's shit of him," Gerard piped up before he could stop himself, but he didn't regret his statement. Frank didn't deserve this pain, no one should have caused him this type of internal wound, especially not his father who was supposed to love him and support him no matter what.

"Yeah, that's what I thought for ages. I tried to contact him, but he never responded, so I assumed he didn't want anything to do with me, but apparently, he has been trying to reach me, I just didn't know that he was. My mother has been hiding his letters from me, but I found one today, and just - I _snapped_. I was so angry...I still am in a way. I get that she hates him, or who he has chosen to love. I don't expect them to be all friendly again, but he's my dad, and she made me think he had forgotten me. I think in her fucked up head, she thinks she's protecting me, and a part of me wants to forgive her, but I don't know if I can. This thing with my dad has been eating away at me for so long, but all she cares about is the fact that he likes dick, she didn't even think about my feelings. _God_ \- I was so close to telling her that I like dick I do too, but I didn't, I don't need to get kicked out right now on top of all the other shit I have to deal with."

"If she could see you now," Gerard tried to joke in an attempt to lighten the dark cloud that had overtaken the mood of the room, even though his voice cracked slightly halfway through, his heart twisting painfully as he pulled Frank even closer to his chest, the desire to protect him from every cruelty in the world overwhelming him momentarily.

"She'd flip shit," Frank chuckled wearily, "and I wish I didn't care, but she needs me, and I can't just walk out on her, which leaves me at at a loss for what to do now. My dad does want me in his life apparently, and he lives vaguely close, but after all this time, what do I say to him, and how do I deal with my mom if I do want to go see him? It's _just_ \- it's not the biggest problem in the world, but piled onto everything else, it's just too much to handle for me right now."

"Well whatever you decide, I'm here for you. If you want to go see him, I'll take you, we can hide it from your mom somehow if you think that will help. I hate that you have to live with such a judgmental woman, but don't let her stop you from doing something just because of her hatred. And if you don't want to visit your dad, that's fine too. It's all up to you, and you don't have to decide right now. If you ever want to talk about it or anything, I'm all ears, or if you just need another distraction, I am more than willing to provide that too."

"God, you're incredible," Frank sighed happily. "Thank you, for this, and everything. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Neither do I," Gerard murmured so quietly that he wasn't sure if Frank had heard him, he appeared to be dozing off now anyway, which was probably for the best. "Get some rest sugar, I'll be here when you wake up and we can deal with all of this then."

Frank mumbled something unintelligible in response, but Gerard didn't ask him to repeat himself. He just wanted Frank to sleep for a bit, to forget about his worries for a few hours. Gerard hoped he felt as safe and cared for as possible in his arms, because if anyone deserved happiness, it was Frank.

Gerard didn't truly believe he could properly provide that for him, but Frank seemed to think that he could, so Gerard would do whatever he could to help him through the terrible trials the world continued to throw at him. His joy was now tied into Frank's, and he was beginning to hope that maybe together they could survive this cruel universe and come out mostly unscathed, and even if he didn't, he would make sure that Frank did.


	34. Choices

Frank had stayed with Gerard the entire night since he wasn't willing to go home and face his mother just yet, or _ever_ really, but he knew he would have to do so eventually. Still - he wasn't quite prepared to deal with what she had done even after school had ended, so Frank sought out Pete's company since Gerard had a teacher's meeting scheduled after work and Frank didn't want to go back to his flat alone since Mikey had hardly been there lately.

Pete was home luckily, and he seemed happy to see Frank, even though his smile fell when he asked Frank how he was doing only to earn a harsh groan from Frank in reply. Frank took the time to greet Pete's mother before he allowed his friend to drag him upstairs so he could interrogate him, but honestly, he wanted to talk about this with someone who would most likely know what the right thing to do would be.

Gerard's advice had been more than helpful of course, and in the end, Frank was aware that the decision rested with him and him alone, but Pete knew his mother almost as well as he did, he and also been close to his father before he had left, so he might be able to give Frank some insight on how to deal with this new disaster that had unfolded along the perilous path that was his life.

"Is it Gerard?" Pete asked as soon as the door was closed behind them. His rapid assumption that Gerard was the reason for his distress had Frank tampering down a sudden welling of anger toward his best friend, but he understood his conclusion, he just didn't like it.

"No, it's not," Frank tried not to snap, "in fact, things are going great with him. This is something else entirely."

"Okay, so spill," Pete suggested, throwing himself down in his office chair while Frank chose to collapse on a nearby bean bag.

"It's my mom, again, but this time was just... _god_ \- it's fucked Pete. I still can't believe she would do this to me," Frank exhaled heavily.

"What did she do?" Pete asked warily, solemnity draining all the color out of his tone as he gave Frank his full attention.

"She has been hiding letters from me, _my dad's_ letters. He's been trying to get in contact with me for who knows how long, and she's been making sure I don't see them. She said it was to protect me, and I know she's not mentally well, but I don't think I can forgive her for this."

"Oh god - that's so shit," Pete exclaimed, his eyes widening in a manner that would have almost been comical if Frank wasn't so weighed down by his own internal concerns to laugh at it. "I knew she didn't like him obviously, but to go that far...fuck Frank, I'm so sorry."

"I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it just hurts you know," Frank sighed. "She literally said he was sick, and he could infect me if I reached out to him, which I'm tempted to do just to piss her off. I have his phone number now, and his address, so I could if I wanted to."

"And do you?" Pete queried gently.

"I'm not sure..." Frank hesitated. "I've spent so much time assuming he didn't want me, that he had all but forgotten me, and now I know that's not true, but it's still hard to shift that sense of thinking. I haven't seen him in years, and a part of me wants to, but the other half is worried he'll have changed, or that he won't like the person I've become - _hell_ , I barely do, so why should he?"

"Frank, your dad loves you, he has to if he's still trying to reach out to you even this long after he moved out, so if you want to go see him, I'm sure everything will go fine, but if you don't, then no worries either way."

"That's almost exactly what Gerard told me," Frank responded without thinking of how Pete would take his statement, but besides a slight stiffening of his muscles, Pete didn't react, "and I truly do appreciate both of your support, but right now, I honestly don't fucking know what I want. I am more concerned about what to do with my mother at the moment. Every time I think about going back home, my blood starts boiling, but if I leave her on her own, she'll be fucked, and I can't just sit by and let that happen."

"Well - technically you can, you are an adult now, so if you leave there is nothing she can do about it," Pete pointed out, "but I know you, and you're too good of a person to do that to her, so if you want my opinion, I think you have to go back at some point. That doesn't mean you should forgive her though, in fact, I'd give her the silent treatment until she offers up an apology if anything."

"Which she might never do," Frank replied harshly. "I guess what stings the most is knowing that my mother literally loathes a man she adored just because he's gay, and then I start thinking how she would treat me if she knew I was too. I'll never be able to change her mind on that, but I want to."

"I wish you could too Frank, I really do, you don't deserve to be looked down on by anyone, especially your mother. Just remember that she's not right, and even if you can never prove that to her, you're amazing no matter who you like. You're a wonderful son, and she's lucky to have you in her life. If she was a decent person, she'd accept you as you are without question, but for now, you have me, and Gerard, and even your dad if you want to see him, and we all support you no matter what."

"Thanks, I think I needed to hear that," Frank smiled, that fact that Pete had included Gerard in his list of people without grimacing causing the expression to bloom on his face easily. "I think you're right though, I do have to go home soon, but if she thinks I'm going to act like nothing has happened, she has another thing coming. I'll have to give some more thought to what to do about my dad, maybe I'll just text him or something and see if he answers and then go from there."

"You're welcome Frank," Pete grinned, "and I meant it, I'm always here for you no matter what, and if you don't want to be at home at any time, you can always come here."

"That means a lot to me Pete, it really does," Frank reiterated for the millionth time, but he wanted Pete to know that he truly was grateful for his presence in his life.

He might not be around as much lately because of Gerard, but Pete was his best friend, he always had been, and Frank had been making sure to reassure Pete of that as well, especially since things between them had shifted slightly thanks to recent events.

Frank honestly had no idea if Pete still had a crush on him, or if he ever truly did. He didn't want to bring that topic back up just in case Pete got defensive, but Frank had managed to convince himself it was mostly just Pete wanting to help him combined with the platonic affection that they both felt for each other. He just couldn't imagine Pete being properly in love with him, or maybe it was that he couldn't see himself ever being in love with Pete, but either way, Pete hadn't mentioned it again, so Frank had chosen to leave that delicate subject buried until it was forgotten about entirely.

"So what about you, anything new in your life?" Frank asked to break the silence when it stretched a bit too long to be comfortable.

"Nah," Pete answered with a yawn. "School is boring, Andy is thinking about shaving his head but he hasn't done it yet, and Mom still won't let me get a dog even though I promised to do all the work."

"You're still trying to change her mind on that?" Frank giggled. "You know she's allergic."

"Yes, but I found out that poodles don't carry any dander or whatever the fuck it is that makes people react to them, so I suggested we get one of those so she wouldn't have an issue, and she still said no."

"You seriously want a poodle?" Frank wheezed, the mental picture of Pete walking a fluffy poodle around somehow seeming hilarious to him at the moment.

"Sort of, I mean, I'd rather have a pug or something like that, but I just want a dog in general honestly."

"Well once you graduate you can move out and get one?" Frank suggested.

"Yeah, if I ever get a job. I have no money basically, so any dreams of getting my own place are in the distant future. I'm probably just going to attend the community college anyway for the first few years, so there really isn't any point in moving out right away except the dog part."

"I feel you there, if I even go to college that is. I have no fucking idea what I want to do with my life after school," Frank admitted. This was a much more honest conversation then Frank was used to having with anyone, even Pete, but he was feeling a bit more at ease talking about heavier things lately since it did seem to help him deal with his burdens in some way. "I try and look to the future and it's just blank you know. I mean, realistically, I'll probably take care of my mom until she gets to be too much to handle, but then what?"

"Then you can do whatever you want to do you know?" Pete shrugged. "That is what everyone tells me at least like it's going to be helpful. They expect me to just know what I want to major in and what job I want, but really, I just want to be in a band, and that's stupid."

"God I haven't even thought about a major," Frank groaned, "and I know most people at my school have already applied to like ten different colleges. That won't be a problem for us since admittance rates are high, but still."

"I'm probably just going to do business since you can do so much with it and it looks good on most applications."

"That's smart," Frank nodded, "I still don't know if I should go to college right away, I might take a gap year and try to figure out what to do with my mom and work a lot to stock up some funds. Community college is cheap but it still costs money."

"That might be a good idea, maybe I should look for a job first then figure out what I want to go to school for," Pete mused, "but Frank, if you want to go to college, then do it. Don't let your mom dictate you're life. I think it's amazing that you've made her such a big priority, but don't let her ruin everything for you okay? I get that having to deal with school for four more years might not be your dream, but there are other options if it is something you want to pursue. You can find her a caretaker, or even move her into a home if you have to. Just don't forget you have options."

"I won't, thanks Pete," Frank grinned as he kicked out his feet to affectionately nudge at Pete's ankles.

Frank was still nervous about what was to come for him in the next year, or even the next few days, but Pete was right, he had choices, and everything wasn't preordained. He had hope now, or maybe he always had, but things finally seemed to be looking up.

Gerard was still with him, and hopefully he would be when Frank became more serious about what he wanted to do to continue his schooling, and Pete would always be there as well, maybe even his father if he made an attempt to contact him. His support system was growing as time passed, and with the people he loved around him, Frank was assured that he could face whatever was waiting for him in the future.

~~~

It was late, and Gerard knew he had to get to sleep soon if he wanted to be vaguely functioning at work tomorrow, but his worries were keeping him awake, and this time, they didn't revolve around Frank. His boyfriend had texted him after school, informing him he was going to Pete's for the evening, so Gerard knew he was safe, but it was actually his brother that was causing his distress this evening.

Mikey had popped out to the store hours ago, but he had yet to return. Usually Gerard would brush off his disappearance and think nothing of it. Mikey was always flaky, and he was most likely with Ray or another of his friends, but for some reason, Gerard felt the need to reassure himself that his brother was truly all right before he sought out slumber.

Gerard waited another fifteen minute, giving Mikey the chance to either respond to one of the numerous texts he had sent him or for him to come home, but when neither of those happened, Gerard pulled out his phone, thumbing through his contacts before he found Ray's name.

Ray was the only close friend of Mikey that Gerard actually knew, so he was really the only option he had left. If Ray didn't know where Mikey was, then Gerard was fucked, but he held onto the hope that Mikey would be there and he had simply fallen asleep or something else innocent like that.

"Hey Gerard, what's up?" Ray answered the phone, his voice emitting thinly thought the speakers of the device he had pressed up to his ear.

"Not much, I was just wondering if you had seen Mikey tonight?" Gerard asked straight away, not wanting to waste any more of his or Ray's time at this late hour, or late for him anyway now that he had a normal job.

"Uh yeah, he was here, but that was about two hours ago. He left with Matt and some other people, and I'm not sure where they went."

"Oh..." Gerard sighed, his hopes of finding Mikey holed up at Ray's evaporating into thin air. "Well, thank you anyway. If you do see him again, can you have him text me? I need to get to bed, but I've been worried about him lately."

"I will, and Gerard..." Ray paused, his usually jovial voice hitching uncharacteristically as he continued speaking, "I think you are right to be worried. Mikey hasn't been himself lately, he's pulling away from me, from _everyone_ really. All he cares about is drugs, he's using more than ever, and I think he's going to get himself killed if he doesn't calm down soon."

"Is it really that bad?" Gerard whispered as if someone would overhear him if he spoke at a louder volume. "I mean, I know he shouldn't be doing coke at all, but I thought he had it mostly under control."

"He did, until recently," Ray sighed. "I don't know what changed, but he's stopped being careful, or even vaguely responsible, and I could be wrong, but I think Matt has started some sort of gang or something, and Mikey is in it. He has money all the time now, which I know you didn't give him, so he must be making it by selling or something. He's scaring me, and I care about him a lot, so I thought I should warn you before it's too late."

"God - fuck me," Gerard groaned. "I don't know how to make him stop, I've tried talking to him, _hell_ \- when I quit I begged him to do it with me. He knows what happened to me, why I had to kick the stuff, but he never cared then, not really. He thinks he's invincible, and I get it I do. I felt the same before... _well_...you know, and I don't think I can explain to him that he's walking a really dangerous line."

"Can you at least try?" Ray all but begged. "I've done everything I can think of, and nothing is working. I try to keep him here as much as I can so I can watch him, but he's been going off more and more and he comes back completely shitfaced, if he does come back that is. I don't want anything to happen to him, and I know you don't either."

"I will do my best," Gerard promised, although he doubted that would have a positive result.

Gerard still remembered his affair with drugs, how amazing it had been, how he had truly believed he had been on top of the world until he had fallen and broken on the unforgiving pavement below. He hadn't let anyone talk him out of using until he had been placed in a situation that forced him to access his choices, until the trauma he had gone through had been too much for drugs to appeal to him any longer since they had mostly been the cause of it. Even now Gerard refused to voice what had happened to him aloud, but it had changed him forever, and besides helping him get clean, it had damaged him permanently.

He feared that the same would be the case for Mikey. Nothing negative had occurred because of his using yet, so he had no reason to think that anything would. He was living on the high, the rush, and there was no good reason for him to stop chasing it. Even knowing what had happened to his brother hadn't inspired him to stop, so Gerard was at a loss for what else to do, but he would attempt to intervene at least once more before Mikey was hurt in a similar fashion.

"Thanks, and I'll keep looking out for him. I'm always a phone call away if you want to talk or anything, and I'll let you know if I see him again tonight."

"Thank you, if I don't respond I'm probably asleep, I have work in the morning, but I feel a lot better knowing that you are watching out for him."

"I always will, we might not be a band anymore, but you and Mikey will always be my brothers."

"Yeah, same to you Ray," Gerard choked out, memories of the times they had spent together flooding his mind before he banished them to the dark corner they typically resided in. "Have a good night okay, I'll talk to you soon."

"I will, now get some sleep."

Gerard murmured an affirmative before hanging up and heading into the bedroom so he could plug his phone into the charger, but he knew that was a lie. He wasn't going to get any rest tonight, not with the nostalgic thoughts mixed with his fears for his younger brother chasing themselves around his head, but he had to try.

He no longer could maintain the lifestyle he used to where he stayed up all night fighting with his brain only to sleep the day away before it was time for a show. He was an adult now with a nine to five job, and he wasn't going to fuck this up just like he had everything else.

Still, he tossed and turned all night, even after he managed to doze off. The past haunted his dreams, the uncertainty of both his and Mikey's future nipped at his heels, giving him little rest and more nightmares than he was used to, but he would manage, he had to, and maybe tomorrow would be better.


	35. Nothing To Lose

The next day at school was surprisingly pleasant for Frank - _well_ , maybe that was too strong a word, but it wasn't half bad at least. In fact, most of the time he spent here had been nowhere near as awful as it used to be.

Frank wasn't sure what had changed, but it seemed that the people who had always enjoyed cajoling him had finally given him a respite. Perhaps they simply didn't have the energy left to bully him while applying to colleges and all the other stresses that came with their senior year, but whatever the case was, he could now walk down the hallways without one rude remark being tossed his way.

The classes were still boring of course, but even those had improved slightly. Frank was making more of an effort to pay attention and finish his work as well as he could despite his doubts about ever attending college. All higher education goals aside, he did want to pass his senior year with vaguely decent grades. He had even made a few vague acquaintances lately since his teachers apparently loved group projects, and having other people to chat with made the process of school so much better.

In his English class, he had met Simon, a quiet dark-haired boy that had a random smattering of tattoos that the teachers were always telling him to keep covered. Frank had never spoken to him before this year, although he vaguely recognized him, and he had come to find out that he was oddly brilliant behind the silent shield he kept up most of the time.

Frank's grades in class skyrocketed thanks to Simon. He was a genius with words, and he analyzed books and poems in ways that Frank's mind could barely comprehend. He shared his work with him eagerly, and Frank hypothesized that he was just as thrilled as he was to finally have a friend. They rarely talked outside of English, but he was still grateful that he had started speaking with him.

His closest friend was actually the transfer student he'd been forced to work with on the first day of school in his economics class. Her name was Jamia, not Jamie like he had initially assumed, and she was lovely. Frank clicked with her in a way he rarely did with people, and they had even gone so far as to exchange phone numbers, although they only texted each other when they were stuck on their homework or they had missed a lesson.

Jamia was similar to him in some ways, she seemed to be a bit of an outcast too despite her kind nature. She had switched school during her senior year, meaning she had very few friends, and she didn't seem all that interested in making new ones.

Frank learned that she had moved here because her mother had gotten a better job opportunity, which meant that Jamia was ripped away from the town and people she had known all of her life, leaving her uninterested in making new bonds since she planned to return to her old city once she graduated.

Frank seemed to be the exception though, he assumed Jamia had pitied him at first after the embarrassing things that had been said about him during their original meeting, so she hadn't pushed him away like she did with everyone else. Their friendship had grown from there even if neither of them had intended for it to exist.

Jamia also shared Frank's lunch period, which he hadn't known until recently since he had a lot of practice in disappearing from the crowded cafeteria as soon as he got his food - if he even bought any that day - and hiding either outside or in the library if the weather was bad. That had changed when he'd run into Jamia in the lunch line one afternoon and she had asked him to sit with her, which had quickly become his new routine.

They had chosen to eat outside today since the weather was vaguely nice for once. Spring was attempting to push winter away, and although it hadn't succeeded entirely, the sun was out and the air wasn't so frigid as to drive them back inside just yet.

Frank had actually brought a lunch that had been lovingly packed by Pete's mother, and so had Jamia. Since they didn't need to purchase their food, they had mutually decided they didn't want to face the chaos of the lunchroom today, which had led them here.

They ate their meals mostly in silence, their backs pressed up against the brick wall that separated the school grounds from what lay beyond them, their hands quickly going numb as a cold breeze whisked by, but neither of them voiced a complaint.

Frank had been lost in his thoughts for most of the day, his brain swirling with thoughts of his father, and the future, and also excitement since he had Gerard's class later on and he always looked forward to seeing him even in that setting. _Still_ \- he wasn't completely oblivious to the world around him, and he noticed that Jamia seemed off as well.

She was usually quite bubbly, which Frank liked. She always initiated conversations between them after she realized that he needed that since he wasn't a big talker, especially not in school. She was almost somber today though, which meant something had to be bothering her. Her lips were pressed into a firm line and she was tearing apart her sandwich more than she was eating it.

Frank wasn't sure if he should ask her about it. They had gotten closer over the last few months, but he didn't feel that it was his place. He knew he wouldn't react kindly if Jamia had begun prying into his life out of the blue, so he kept his mouth shut as well, enjoying the quiet that he so rarely got to experience anymore and doing his best to ignore his worries about his friend.

"Hey, do you mind if I smoke?" Jamia spoke up suddenly, her voice startling Frank a bit since he hadn't been expecting it.

"Oh yeah - go for it," Frank nodded belatedly. His heart picked up speed when Jamia discarded her ruined sandwich so she could reach into her bag for a pack of cigarettes, reminding him of how long it had been since he'd had one.

Frank wasn't trying to quit or anything, and he did still smoke during his breaks at the restaurant if he had any or he could snag one from his coworkers, but he had cut down quite a bit, mostly because if he wasn't at school he was almost always with Pete or Gerard. He was also tight on funds lately, he couldn't work nearly as many hours now that the winter holidays were over, and the two shifts he was given on the weekends weren't nearly enough to afford the number of cigarettes he had been smoking in the past.

Jamia must have seen Frank's craving in his eyes, either that or she was just being polite. Once she had the pack open, she tilted it in his direction, raising her eyebrow in a questioning manner when he hesitated slightly.

"You sure?" Frank asked when he noticed she only had three left in the pack. "I don't want to bum your last few smokes."

"I have a whole new one at home, don't worry about it," Jamia waved him off. "You look like you need it as much as I do anyway."

"Yeah, thanks, it's been a hell of a week," Frank sighed as he gave in to his desire, snagging one of the orange-tipped sticks before searching in his bag for his lighter, which luckily was still there.

"Same here," Jamia replied, not pressing Frank for more information like so many people would have, which was just one of the many reasons he got along with her so well. "So - this is random, but do you have a date for prom?"

"Uh... _no?_ " Frank answered in a confused fashion, not quite expecting the subject to shift to a dance of all things, but it was coming up soon he realized, it just hadn't been on his mind at all.

"Did you want one?"

"Jamia - I'm..." Frank paused for a moment as he decided if he wanted to share his sexuality with her, but he decided it didn't really matter since everyone already assumed he was gay anyway. "Well, you know all those rumors about me being gay, well, I _am_."

"Oh," Jamia exhaled slightly, blowing out a cloud of smoke in the process. She didn't look disappointed, just a bit surprised. "That's cool, well not the rumors, but you know what I mean. I can't believe people are giving you shit for who you like, it's not the nineteen-fifties anymore."

"Yeah, but this is a very catholic school, so it's not that much of a shock," Frank laughed nervously. He hadn't really ever come out to anyone before, Gerard already knew since he'd been trying to pick Mikey up at a bar, and he and Pete had discovered their sexualities together, so this was actually a first for him. "Sorry though, I didn't mean to confuse you or anything."

"No, you're fine, I promise," Jamia assured him. "I think I'm the one being confusing, but it doesn't have to be a date or anything. It would be amazing to go as just friends if you are okay with that?"

" _Um_..." Frank hedged, staring down at the burning end of his cigarette as he tried to decide what to say. Honestly, he hadn't had any urge to go to prom before now. He knew it was supposed to be a high school experience that no one wanted to miss, but he couldn't take his boyfriend, and he didn't particularly want to spend any more time at school then he already did, so the idea had never appealed to him. "I wouldn't be opposed to it," Frank finally finished his thought. "I guess I never thought about it before, but as long as my boyfriend is fine with it, then yeah why not?"

"Oh shit, I didn't know you weren't single," Jamia cringed. "If you were planning on going with him, please do."

"Nah, he hates dances, and he's going to be out of town then anyway," Frank lied speedily. "I've never been to something like this anyway, so I might as well before I graduate."

"Really?" Jamia smiled widely, her grin warming Frank up more than the jacket he had wrapped tightly around his body.

"Yeah, sure, it could be fun." Frank froze suddenly when he remembered that prom tickets cost money, usually quite a bit of it, which he did not have at the moment. "When do I have to buy the tickets by? I am a bit broke, but I am sure I could scrounge something up."

"You don't have to worry about that, I already have two." Frank was about to ask her why she had purchased them before she'd known if he could make it or not, but Jamia answered his question before he could voice it. "I was going to go with my boyfriend, he's from my old school. He swore he'd drive down here and take me, so I bought the tickets. Then my best friend from back home phoned me a few days ago and said she'd seen him kissing someone else. I called him on it, which turned into a huge fight that ended with us breaking up. So now I don't have anyone to go with but I already have a dress and I am going to have a good time at prom with or without him."

"What a dick," Frank scoffed, making Jamia laugh in the process even though she seemed on the verge of tears. "You don't deserve that shit."

"I mean - I should have expected it honestly. I know long distance relationships typically don't work out at this age, but I thought we could make it. He only lives two hours away, and I saw him pretty regularly, everything seemed to be going good you know? _Well_ \- maybe it wasn't, he might have been cheating on me from the moment I left, but at least I know now."

"Still, that's really awful of him, he should have just called things off before he moved on. I never get why people don't do that."

"Yeah, me either, but fuck him. I'm not going to cry over his cheating ass." Jamia actually did look like she was seconds away from breaking into tears, but Frank related to her coping methods since he used very similar ones. "You really don't have to go though, I just know it would be more fun if you were there, but I don't want to make you, especially if your boyfriend would be upset over it."

"I'm sure he won't mind, and I do want to go. Might as well try and have one good high school moment. Spike the punch and all that."

"Oh don't bother with that, the teachers guard it, but I just bring my own flask and mix it in my cup when they aren't looking," Jamia informed him casually.

"Wow, you just get more awesome by the day," he giggled, earning himself another grin from Jamia. Her eyes even seemed drier now, and Frank felt quite accomplished at managing to cheer her up even slightly.

Frank wasn't entirely sure how Gerard would react to his request to go, but he couldn't see him being opposed to it. He was just doing a favor for a friend, nothing more, and of course Gerard knew that he was gay, so there was no way anything would happen between them.

Frank made a mental note to ask Gerard after school if he got the chance, that way he could let Jamia know as soon as possible. Prom was in two weeks, or something like that, so he would have to start figuring out how to get a suit and whatever else he had to do soon if he was going to be ready in time.

The bell rang just then, interrupting their private moment. Frank was almost tempted to stay out here for the rest of the day, he really didn't want to listen to another lecture right now, but if he did that, he wouldn't get to see Gerard, so that wasn't an option.

"Ready for another exciting economics lesson?" Jamia grimaced as she got to her feet, holding out a hand for Frank which he took as soon as stubbed out the butt of his cigarette.

"Ready as I'll ever be."

~~~

Frank made it through economics without incident. He even managed to finish most of his homework in the time their teacher had given them after the lesson, which he was very satisfied with. That meant he didn't have to waste too much of his afternoon on it, and perhaps he could spend those hours at Gerard's instead.

He hadn't been to his place in two days, which wasn't long at all, but Frank already missed their private time together. He had texted him during that time of course, but since he'd been with Pete yesterday he hadn't had a chance to call him, which they usually did on the nights they spent apart.

Speaking of Gerard, Frank was currently in his classroom in his usual seat all the way in the back. He loved that he had gotten this spot, it let him observe his teacher without being caught by anyone else, and he took full advantage of that.

It might sound weird, but something about Gerard explaining music theory was sort of hot. It could also be his fitted button-up shirt and his tight pants which accentuated all of his best features, but either way, Frank was fascinated by this side of Gerard which was quite a contrast from the other parts of him that only he got to see.

Gerard seemed so confident in his position, he commanded the front of the room, using his hands and presence to keep people involved in what he was saying even when the topic was boring enough to put almost everyone to sleep. He rarely stayed still, moving from his desk, to the blackboard, to the students in the front row, keeping them alert and off their phones since Gerard had an uncanny ability of being able to call people out when they weren't paying attention.

Gerard had a real talent at this, and a part of Frank felt envious of his skill. He knew this wasn't Gerard's dream job, and that he'd been in a band before falling back on this, but _still_ , he was amazing at what he did. He wasn't a frontman anymore, but he was still helping kids and sharing a message with them, so it was similar in certain aspects.

Frank had never considered it before, but maybe he could succeed at teaching as well. He had always held a passion for music just like Gerard, and although he doubted he'd be able to emulate his manner and persona, he thought he could learn. As far as a job went, being a teacher wouldn't be all that bad. Frank could spend the day with others who liked music, maybe he could even teach the actual band, that appealed to him more than something like music theory.

The more Frank thought about it, it seemed like a path he could definitely pursue if he wanted to. It would take schooling of course, which meant that he would have to figure out a college plan and soon if he wanted to be accepted for the upcoming semester. He was getting ahead of himself though, he had only just gotten this idea, and he might hate the thought of it in a week or two.

Somehow Frank didn't think that would happen though. He wasn't saying that he would be able to make this happen, but for once, he had found a career path that didn't sound appalling to him. It gave him another burst of hope for the future, and even if it didn't work out right away, it could be something that he kept in the back of his mind when he felt like he had no other options.

While Frank had been distracted by his newfound plans, the class had somehow drawn to a close. He had missed if they had any homework to do or not, but one perk of dating the teacher was that he could easily find out whatever information he had missed.

By the time Frank had packed away his things, most of the other students had already vacated the room in the frantic way that always seemed to ensure after the last class of the day.

Frank was in no hurry to leave though, not that he ever was. A few months into their relationship, Gerard had finally stopped panicking so much about them being seen together. They were both still very careful of course, but Gerard allowed Frank to spend more time in his classroom, especially after school was let out.

"Have I ever told you that you look hot as fuck teaching?" Frank smirked as he walked closer to the front of the room, keeping his voice down just in case anyone was outside, not that they could hear them anyway through the closed door.

" _Hmm_...I don't think you have," Gerard hummed. He wasn't looking in Frank's direction, he had his back turned to him as he wiped away the notes he had written in chalk earlier, but Frank could tell he was biting back a grin.

"Well, you are."

"You want me to wear this at home huh?" Gerard suggested in a tone that sounded half joking and half hopeful. "Maybe let me gag you with my tie this time instead of blindfold you?"

" _Oh god_ \- you need to shut up now before I get hard," Frank groaned.

"You started this sugar," Gerard chuckled, finally moving toward his desk, allowing Frank to catch a glimpse of his cheeky grin, "so don't be surprised if I finish it." Frank noticed that Gerard's eyes were a bit swollen and bloodshot when he got a closer look at him, but his smile was genuine, so he told himself not to get concerned over what could easily be nothing.

"Wish you would finish me right here," Frank pouted, although he knew that wasn't an option. This wasn't like the movies where a teacher could fuck their student over their desk and no one would see them, and as hot as that would be, Frank would never risk their relationship for one good orgasm.

"Well get your ass over to my place and maybe I will."

"You better not be kidding or I will be very disappointed," Frank huffed, because now he actually was very horny.

"I'm not, but I do have to run by the bank before they close so I can withdraw the rent money, but I expect you on my bed when you get back," Gerard ordered softly, which didn't help Frank's goal of not getting a boner right before he had to walk to Gerard's apartment.

"See you soon then, and _oh_ \- question," Frank spoke up as Gerard began stuffing loose papers into his messenger bag. "I got asked to prom by a friend, Jamia - I know I've talked about her before. Her boyfriend just dumped her and she has an extra ticket. I said I had to talk to you first, but if you don't mind, I'd like to go."

" _Wait_...you told her about us?" Gerard asked, panic leeching into his voice as he stared up at Frank questioningly.

"No - _god_ no, I would never tell anyone. I just said my boyfriend, not even a name. She has no idea about us, I swear."

"Okay, good - sorry, I just freaked out for a second there," Gerard exhaled heavily.

"I'm the one who is sorry, I should have worded that better," Frank apologized, "but you know I'd never do that. I want this secret to be kept safe just as much as you do."

"I know, I trust you," Gerard brushed his fingers over Frank's knuckles in a physical form of his sincerity. "I just get nervous. We have gotten away with this so far, and it almost seems too good to be true at times. I guess I'm just afraid it's all going to fall down on our heads when we least expect it."

"I get that you're scared, I am too when I allow myself to think about it, but we won't be caught. We never do anything on school grounds, most people don't give enough of a fuck about me to pay attention to what I do anyway, and everyone loves you so much they are too busy trying to figure out how to get with you to think you would ever be with someone else."

"Shut up, they are not," Gerard laughed weakly, the storm behind his eyes calming slightly as he listened to Frank's reasoning.

"They so are," Frank snorted, "but either way, we can do this. It's only for three more months, and then I graduate. We have made it this far, so we won't fuck up now."

"Okay - _yeah_ , thank you. We can do this, and soon all of this hiding will be over."

"I can't wait for that day," Frank grinned, just the thought of being able to walk around in public holding Gerard's hand sending sparks of happiness fizzling through his bloodstream. "You need to get going though or you won't make it to the bank before they close," Frank reminded Gerard when he caught sight of the clock. "I'll see you when you get home."

"Ugh I do," Gerard groaned, "I shouldn't be long, but feel free to raid the house of food and whatever. I went shopping the other day, so there is actually something in the fridge besides beer this time." Gerard was halfway out the door when he stopped suddenly. "Oh, and Mikey is home, or should be...he came in this morning pretty fucked up, so if it's not too much trouble, can you check on him and see how he is doing? You don't have to of course, but I'm worried about him."

"No problem, I'll make sure he's okay, I haven't seen him much anyway so it'll be nice to catch up," Frank nodded, wondering how bad Mikey was if even Gerard was worried. Mikey had come home high, drunk, or both numerous times, and Gerard had treated it as a very normal occurrence, so this must have been worse than usual if he had asked this of Frank.

"And you can go with your friend to prom, sorry I got distracted, but that sounds like a lot of fun."

"Thank you," Frank smiled, "we can talk later though okay? You need to get going remember."

"Fuck me, I do, stupid banker's hours," Gerard cursed under his breath as he squeezed Frank's hand briefly in place of the kiss that Frank was truly craving. "Text me when you get home okay, key is in the same place as always."

"I will, see you soon," Frank waved as Gerard finally darted out of the door, his heart swelling in his chest as he watched Gerard glance back at him numerous times before he finally disappeared out of sight.

Frank took his time exiting the building, knowing that he would beat Gerard back to his apartment with time to spare no matter how long he took since the bank was usually packed at this time, which he had found out after trying to cash his paycheck when school let out. He had learned to go on Saturday mornings if he could, the lines were much shorter then.

He pulled out his phone as he walked, locating Jamia's number and sending her a quick text letting her know that his boyfriend was totally fine with him going to prom with her. He didn't receive a response right away, not that he expected to. Frank was about to put the device back in his pocket, but just then, he saw the number he had recently added to his phone, the one he had found on the letter from his father.

Frank stopped moving completely as his thumb hovered over the contact which he had saved as Frank Sr. instead of _Dad_ since he hadn't earned that title back. Frank had no intentions of contacting him anytime soon, but for some reason, the urge to at least see if the number was in service hit him full force.

Frank didn't dare call it though, it brought back memories of the hours he'd spend with the house phone pressed against his ear as he called his father's number over and over again, begging for an answer that never came.

A text though, that he could manage, and Frank knew that the longer he put this off the harder it would be. So he followed his instincts, allowing the positive trend his life had been going in to imbue him with hope, forcing his pessimistic nature away as he shakily typed out the words that he prayed his dad would actually receive.

_"Hey...it's Frank. I found your letter before Mom could hide it from me. If you're serious about wanting to be in my life_ _again_ _, text me back."_

Frank turned off his phone the second it said the message had been sent, not willing to torture himself by waiting for an answer that might never come. He felt nervous now that it was out there, now that his father might actually reply to him for the first time in years, but he also felt relieved.

The worst that could happen would be that his father wouldn't respond, and as hurtful as that would be, it really wasn't any different than the situation that Frank was currently in, so he had nothing to lose and potentially a father to regain.


End file.
